How do you get your husband interested in having a child?


#1

Hi -
This is my first post on here but a friend reccomended this site so I thought I'd give it a try and see how the responses went.
My husband and I have been married for some time. I have some serious female problems and we wound up having some miscarriages. One made me really, really sick too. So we stopped trying, as the doctors reccomended. Now the doctors are saying that we can try again as long as long as all my tests come back normally each week. At first, my husband was way excited about trying to have a child. We have mouned the children we've lost and even had a burial service for one. We Baptized each one, even if it was an impromptu service that the nurses were looking at me like I was crazy during (it looked like I was Baptizing my stomach, so I guess that did look weird). So now my husband is less than excited about trying to have a child. Actually, he almost seems apathetic. I tell him "hey this test came back pretty good - only a couple more to go until the doctor says we can try again!" Or when joking about the little kitten we just saved from some mean kids that were kicking him against a wall - "I guess I should have been more specific with God - I asked him to let us have a baby but I didn't mention the species..."- he didn't seem to find that amusing at all. I have asked him if he does still want to have a baby and his answer is "of course"...but actions speak louder than words. I know he sees me helping out with our god children or some of the ladies at church that stand at the back- I'll offer to give them a break from their crying/screaming/won't setlle down 2 year old. Also I am getting to the age where my clock is ticking - I havn't really said anything to my husband but we both know that soon we'll be having added risks because of age, although many of my friends have had healthy children beginning at 39, 40 and 43 even. I don't know how to get him excited like he used to be. I'm not about to be one of those people who gets pregnant on the sly - I could never do that but at the same time, I don't want to loose this opportunity, which I have no idea how long we'll have this time where I'm in good enough condition to carry a pregnancy to term - Please HELP


#2

I’m in a similar situation. So far I’ve prayed quite a bit and also tried to show my husband that this is something we can handle. Good luck and I hope he comes around!
Rye


#3

Anne Kristen I am just wondering if your husband is afraid to become excited again for fear that even this one will end up the same way. I suspect that he has not finished mourning the previous losses as (respectfully) I think you havent either but He is now “numb” that is too numb to do anything about it. If it happens it happens and yes he would like a child but he is afraid and too fearful to even think about it or to contemplate a successful pregnancy.
My thoughts would be, go gently with him and if he wants to have a child then proceed along the ways to do this, it is not deceitful because “of course” he wants another child, but he is afraid. Fear is behind his reaction.
GraceAngel.


#4

How do you get your husband interested in having a child?

Just wait for him to want one, don't rush it nor push it on him.


#5

[quote="prodigalson12, post:4, topic:178889"]
How do you get your husband interested in having a child?

Just wait for him to want one, don't rush it nor push it on him.

[/quote]

Here's part of the problem - we've waited almost a decade - we had to stop for some time because of my health - but now we're getting the all clear and I don't know how much longer we'll have the all clear from the doctors or when I'll loose my fertility as I'm in my 30's - I really don't want to hit 40 and not have had a child. I have no intention on having one on the sly -I appreciate one of the other posters comment about it not being deceitful but generally he asks if it's "o.k." to go ahead before we are with each other - to me that means "are you safe about not getting preggers?" and if I say yes, than it's o.k. - no and he straps on a condom or asks me to use VCF. I don't want any type of condemnation here for our use of birth control because that's not going to help me at all in this situation. I've pretty much stopped using mine but I'm not going to lie to him and say we're good to make love when I know what he means when he asks. I want a child but I REFUSE to betray my husband. I've seen other women do it and it's a BAD situation


#6

him in this message can be plural.


#7

May I suggest a brief stint on couples counseling to try to get to the root of his reason? In all fairness, he may not really know it or if he does, be able to explain it.

Me personally, I believe part of it is based on fear from your prior experiences. That would be huge for me (and I'm a guy/dad)! I know I'd need a ton of help to get passed the emotional trauma from all of what you've been through.

We needed counseling to get passed some of the anxieties my wife experienced about that very topic. After 13+ years of marriage we got passed it and had the joy of our life 16 months ago.

Do not push or trap him as you say. Nothing positive can come of the relationship with that tactic.

Good luck!


#8

Given that their is past health issues involved, I think that your husband should go with you to the doctor and the subject of TTC should be brought up with the doctor. Clear communication if so important in this area. Our thinking can get a little distorted, it appears to me that your husband’s motivation is to protect you at all costs. He may be exaggerating the risk in his mind. Sort of like people who are afraid to fly on an airplane yet ride motor cycles in their spare time. The doctor can help the two of you rationally balance the risks.

As far as past BC use, no comment other than it is possible that it may have affected his thinking over time. The current condom use by your husband is a big factor that should not be ignored. I’m not judging you, nor him for that matter but you can’t just ignore the “elephant in the room” :confused: If he does not want you to conceive when you are fertile, he should abstain for a week or so. I suggest that next time you say yes you are fertile and he wants to use a condom that you tell him that you prefer to abstain during this period if he is unwilling to TCC and see what he says. As a man, I suspect if this situation gets corrected he will want to TCC.:slight_smile:

The bottom line is you should both be very clear on the health issues by meeting with your doc together and very clear that having relations at anytime especially when you think you are fertile can God willing result in the creation of new life!


#9

Sigh. In God's plan, this would be easy. You'd just need to buy yourself a nice new set of pajamas and your husband's God-given biology would strip away any phony excuses in no time flat. That's not being sly, you just be up front about where your fertility status and he makes an informed (if biased) decision.

Sins aren't arbitrary things written on a list. Sins are things that do real damage to people's ability to give and receive love. Contraception is a sin because it severs the link between sex and babies that God created to help us through situations like this.

Sorry it isn't the advice you wanted, but you don't seem to have noticed the cause and effect here. So what to do about it now? I dunno. If he's against pregnancy AND doesn't see that his contraceptive mentality is part of the problem I don't know how to bring him into the light.

My advice would be to start by praying, repent/confess your own contraceptive mentality and pray for the Holy Spirit to do the same with him.


#10

H AnneKristen
have you had medical advice about having another pregnancy?I ask because it may be beneficial for you and your husband to have all the medical facts before trying to get pregnant again.It may be that you both get the reassurance you need to go ahead,it may be that you will need intervention of some kind or that it may be very risky.Whatever the out come at least you will both have the facts medically.This will enable your husband to make an informed decision.
Also have you both had counselling for the previous losses of children? I highly recommend both of you getting counselling first.
I agree with whm about abstaining rather than condoms.I am not judging I just think it is giving the wrong message to hubby

God bless


#11

anualman;6027054]Sigh. In God's plan, this would be easy. You'd just need to buy yourself a nice new set of pajamas and your husband's God-given biology would strip away any phony excuses in no time flat. That's not being sly, you just be up front about where your fertility status and he makes an informed (if biased) decision.

Sins aren't arbitrary things written on a list. Sins are things that do real damage to people's ability to give and receive love. Contraception is a sin because it severs the link between sex and babies that God created to help us through situations like this.

Sorry it isn't the advice you wanted, but you don't seem to have noticed the cause and effect here. So what to do about it now? I dunno. If he's against pregnancy AND doesn't see that his contraceptive mentality is part of the problem I don't know how to bring him into the light.

My advice would be to start by praying, repent/confess your own contraceptive mentality and pray for the Holy Spirit to do the same with him.

Goodness, I know it's been a long time since I was on here - I had some serious family problems and believe it or not, my relatives don't have a computer - so except for going and paying the bills on the neighbor's computer - well, you get the message- then when I got back home - there was sooooo much to take care of after 4 months. I guess I should have tried better to get back on here but I wanted to make sure I resonded. We use birth control for medical reasons. We spoke to our priest before we got married and have mentioned it to our priests who have been over for dinner when they asked about kids. Yes, I went through lots of testing only to be told that needed to be on it I've gone off of it only when we tried NFP (billings was not effective for us) and we really need to have my doctors involved in any situation of TTC. I don't want to get into the "it's never right - read this encyclical" because our conciences are clear - and I've read some of the arguments on birth control on here even for medical reasons and it often tends to become a knock down drag out fight at times. So there's really not "elephant in the room" and trying another form of NFP is too chancy because the only way you know it works is if you Don't get pregnant - if it fails, you do. Perhaps once we've gotten the o.k. to TTC we should try NFP - I appreciate you thinking confessing would be a good idea, but we've done nothing wrong in this situation. I wish I didn't need to take the pill but I was on it long before I ever became sexually active.
Thank you for your help and again I'm sorry it took so long to get back with you!
Hope this helps !
I did also want to mention about the VCF COndom comments- my doctors want me to be off ABC pills for at least 6 months - year prior to getting pregnant. It's nearly impossible to figure out when I'm fertile. We did speak to a Priest about this (actually this mean I did)- and was told that he understood the situation and didn't feel there was a problem since we were doing all of this in order to try to become pregnant later (and he was the assoc. pastor - he did ask permission to speak with the Parochial Vicar and they both agreed that this was acceptable due to the fact that we are doing all of this in order to hopefully wind up having a successful pregnancy). I'm sure some on here will not agree, but I'm not going to question my Priest.
Also there were questions about counseling and we did have some for many months. In all honesty, my husbands work has often taken him out of town so it was often a situation of me being on my own when something happened and sometimes I didn't find out I was pregnant until I miscarried (if that makes sense).
AK

My Lord and My God,
My Love and My LIfe,
Please don't leave me here all alone
Cradel me in Your Arms,
Hold me in Your Heart,
Until You being me Home...


#12

[quote="manualman, post:9, topic:178889"]
Sigh. In God's plan, this would be easy. You'd just need to buy yourself a nice new set of pajamas and your husband's God-given biology would strip away any phony excuses in no time flat. That's not being sly, you just be up front about where your fertility status and he makes an informed (if biased) decision.

Sins aren't arbitrary things written on a list. Sins are things that do real damage to people's ability to give and receive love. Contraception is a sin because it severs the link between sex and babies that God created to help us through situations like this.

Sorry it isn't the advice you wanted, but you don't seem to have noticed the cause and effect here. So what to do about it now? I dunno. If he's against pregnancy AND doesn't see that his contraceptive mentality is part of the problem I don't know how to bring him into the light.

My advice would be to start by praying, repent/confess your own contraceptive mentality and pray for the Holy Spirit to do the same with him.

[/quote]

Hi and thank you for all of the responses. I know they were well thought out and caring. I did want to answer about the contreception comment. This is not something we just decided to do. It was necessary for me, due to health concerns to be on birth control not long after my menstraution began. I had many tests done and the pain and blood loss was too much for me to handle - I wasn't even a teen ager yet!. We would try as I grew older one every 18 months or so to have a few months where I tried to cease using it and would always wind up at the same place. The pill was the best way to keep me healthy - and when we got married, it was made clear to us that it was still alright to use the pill as long as it was for the correct reasons. So yes, we've used contraception but only because it was necessary. Over the years, we have tried other methods, including NFP. Unfortunately, this was not a good fit for us. We've recently bought a new (al be it expensive) fertility monitor. The doctors have given me criteria which they want me to attain or by for at least the next 6-12 months. At that point if the criteria are met, then they will let us know we can being to TTC, (assuming at this point my husband is in agreement). I have had to periodically be given some forms of hormones (yes mostly forms of ABC) in order to help with the situation. Believe me, if there was a way to permanantly be off of any form of ABC and just do NFP effectively, we would. I'm not a big fan of taking more pills than I have to.

We did go through some counseling a number of years ago. My husband was out of town a great deal - often for months at a time, so there have been multiple miscarriages when he was not present. Some occured and that was how I found out I was pregnant. I'm really hoping that the monitor will help, as it has with others, us be able to track my cycles. I do know that also, I believe my husband isn't too happy with God because of some of these situations. But we did go through the grief process and had subsequent counseling regarding this as well as other matters. Of course I am praying for him and myself and for the children we'll eventually have (as well as those we were unable to have). I guess I should ask for all of your prayers as well. I'm also praying to St. Gerard Majella and Blessed Seelos as well as Mary and St. Anne.

AK

My Lord and My God
My Love and my Life,
Don leave me here all alone!
Cradel me in Your arms,
Hold me in Your Heart,
Until You bring us home!


#13

Have you considered adoption?


#14

I agree with another poster that it sounds like your husband might still be mourning the losses you’ve had, and might be afraid to get excited again for fear of having another loss. That’s totally, totally normal.

But he is saying that yes, “of course” he wants kids…and with the fact that you waited so long and you’re getting older, etc., I would just go ahead and stay the course you’re on. Keep trying. No need to do anything on the sly. Take his yes as a yes, in other words. Even if his actions seem hesitant, that’s probably just his way of protecting himself from potential disappointment and/or just his personality.

Maybe you could bring some of the practical issues to the forefront, in a non-confrontational way. Such as, you’re worried about increased trouble with conceiving that comes with age…you’re not thrilled with the continued sin of using artificial birth control; you want to do things right…You understand that he may be afraid and you don’t expect him to express himself in the same way as you…you don’t intend to put pressure on him to be “excited”, etc, etc.


#15

Just wondering aloud here, I'm wondering though that if going on and off of ABC is messing with your system and further preventing you from getting pregnant. Hormonal BC is very strong stuff, and I'm just wondering if going on and off and being on BC for so long has somehow prevented pregnancy. I'm sure that it can happen, as I remember reading some medical info on various hormonal contraceptives that they can cause issues.

Have you looked into the Pope Paul IV institute? popepaulvi.com/


#16

Hi - thanks for the responses - and I don’t want to get off onto a whole different subject but you mentioned that I should mention to my husband that I’m not thrilled with “the continued sin of using artificial birth control”? I’m sorry, did you read what I wrote prior to this? We are committing no sin by using the pill - I mentioned I was on the pill since basically beginning my cycles because of the health problems which occured when I didn’t take them. We have discussed this with a Priest prior to getting married and have even seen what it says in the CCC about birth control being used for other reasons than preventing births - I’m taking the ABC in order to keep from loosing so much blood as well as the pain. It also helps to reduce the amount of ovarian cysts I have. I’ve even read Fr. Serpa’s post on here that mentioned that the pill was allowed even if it was an abortifacient as long as it wasn’t being used to prevent pregnancy-so you see, we are not committing any sins with regards to the use of birth control. It doesn’t mean I really like being on it.
He doesn’t want to go back to any counselling and Church, he’s really not going even when I go. I understand this(somewhat) - of course, I’m praying,
Thank you for the responses!
AK


#17

Yeah I don’t think there’s need to go off on a tangent about ABC here, except for the post whm made. We don’t know your situation and frankly we shouldn’t know your whole medical situation; you’re just a stranger us and we to you. But suffice it to say that if you’re having serious hemorrhaging issues and a lot of ovarian cysts, using the pill is most likely licit. I would have probably talked to doctors about trying to find ways to SOLVE those problems instead of just papering over the symptoms which is what BC hormones do, but that’s a medical question and not terribly relevant here.

I think whm is exactly right.

[quote=whm]The current condom use by your husband is a big factor that should not be ignored. I’m not judging you, nor him for that matter but you can’t just ignore the “elephant in the room” If he does not want you to conceive when you are fertile, he should abstain for a week or so. I suggest that next time you say yes you are fertile and he wants to use a condom that you tell him that you prefer to abstain during this period if he is unwilling to TCC and see what he says. As a man, I suspect if this situation gets corrected he will want to TCC.
[/quote]

This is great advice, but I’ll go a step further. I think you should communicate this fact before you hit the fertile stage. Tell him flat out that once you hit Phase II it’s either “yes” or “no” not “yes but let me use a barrier.” Be as charitable as possible on this point but firm and then leave the ball in his court. Trust me, us guys think about these sorts of things and most of us know what we’re getting into even in the “heat of the moment.”

We’ve got two kids in three years and we’re TTA for right now. My wife has like a 28 day Phase II going right now. Not. Fun. But that’s life you know and I know the situation even when, er, let’s say certain situations are fogging my mind a bit and I know when the line cannot be crossed. Not to say that I particularly like that, but I still know the deal. So will he.

So I’d take whm’s advice and throw in a bit of manualman’s as well with the whole “buy a new pair of pajamas” thing.


#18

I was unclear and it seems to have caused you pain. I am deeply sorry for that since you have plenty of pain on your plate already. Forgive me.

I wasn't referring to the pill here at all. If you have received medical advice and spiritual direction and determined that hormonal therapies to deal with other issues are the best approach for you, it is no business of mine to say anything otherwise.

I was trying to key in on the husband's condom use. Speaking as a guy, the way we are wired sexually condom use causes a gradual divorce in a man in the way he comprehends sex itself. The sex no longer has anything to do with babies other than in a purely mechanistic way. That's not God's way. God made sex a union between man and wife so profound that sometimes it so powerfully reflects God's own love that it has God's own power of creating new life. Putting a condom ignores all that and cheapens sex drastically.

From very personal experience, I can tell you that if there is no opportunity for physical intimacy during fertile times, he will ponder much more deeply the issue of children. I credit this little noticed aspect of NFP for having three kids right now (so far!) instead of giving up in exhaustion at two. God's no dummy. He wired us the way He did for good reasons. We circumvent those reasons at our own peril.


#19

Although there are some seriuos matters going on financially, I do have some reason to rejoice. Thank you all for your comments. I almost broke down into tears last night. My husband was off for a night - we have a God Child that we see regularly as she lives very close to us. She had kind of been going through a "princess" phase and her Mum seemed to be giving her anything and everything she wanted with just a cusory, "isn't that nice..." Joe and I didn't feel great about this phase and believe it or not, we put some brakes on her getting stuff when she is with us - believe it or not, she kind of seems to like it better when she has to do things to "attain" or "deserve" something. But I digress. We're at home and her name comes up and my husband says "if we have a girl, I don't want her to be forced into a "princess" stage..." It went on from there, but it put it in my head that he's thinking about these things. I think having become God Parents and being able to actually have regular interactions with her has helped to open his eyes a little. We do have quite a few God Children, but this is the only one that's really close. Don't get me wrong, I know we still have to wait for the Doctors to o.k. this or for God to override something and have me get pregnant. (Right now we could use prayers that our financial situation improves - we're having mortgage problems with our lender) - but I felt so much joy over the fact that this meant he was thinking about having kids! Positively! We hadn't talked about them in this manner since before we were married and before our first losses. I would highly reccomend that anyone that has had a similar problem to have interaction with a kid. It makes some of what (and I know it's nowhere near what all of it is) fatherhood is like very obvious. Sometimes a test in patience but often something very rewarding. Thanks again all those that wrote in!
God Bless
AnneKristen

My Lord and My God,
My Love and My Life,
Don't leave me here all alone.

Cradel me in Your Arms,
Hold me in Your Heart,
Until You bring me Home!


#20

never mind


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