How do you know when you're ready for marriage/courtship?


#1

What are some of the qualities that you would normally associate with someone (man or woman) whom you would consider ready for marriage/courtship?

Thank you.


#2

It is good to be able to communicate well and listen to one another.

You should be able to agree on what is really important, number one being matters of faith.

You should really care about that person and want what is best for them.

You should want to grow together in your relationship for the rest of your lives.


#3

To both be faithful and practicing Catholics.


#4

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:3, topic:254587"]
To both be faithful and practicing Catholics.

[/quote]

Yes! Most of all!


#5

You didn't specify so I'm assuming it's a first marriage for the two of you and don't have kids either.

  1. When you want to leave every aspect of your single life behind you. Of course be an individual but your independence changes.

  2. When you can love someone more than yourself. Your spouse takes priority over anyone, even your future children.

  3. When there is no doubt in your mind that this is the person God has sent you.

  4. When you have taken responsibility and solved problems in your life. It's hard to start a new life with old problems lingering. Definitely, take care of those first.


#6

I apologize for not being clear in my original post. What I meant was how do you know when you're ready to consider the possibility of settling down and marriage, in terms of education, career, maturity, and other aspects of your life?


#7

Would you be able to receive a child if God were to send you one?
Would you be able to give yourself completely to your spouse, making sacrifices as necessary, having your spouse as a priority over anyone else, with God at the center of your new family?

Would your significant other be able to do the same? These things can be affected by maturity, ability to care for a family etc....


#8

This is a good topic. The way I frame it is, "How many character flaws must you deal with before you are mature enough for Marriage?"

We all have character flaws, little things that make it difficult for us to completely relate to others, to be entirely honest, completely open, always charitable, selfless, etc etc. To me the question is at what point do you make the transition from immaturity (the childish desires to put your own needs and wants before that of others) to maturity (the desire that first God and then the other person come before the self, who is last).

To me, this re-orientation happens for different people at different times. I am always second-guessing myself, thinking "am I mature enough for this kind of a commitment"? For me, the huge turning point was learning how to acknowledge my faults ("You were right/I was wrong"), focus on the interests/needs of the other person and finally, to be ultimately concerned with how practicing the Faith will play into the relationship. There are other little concerns and things that are holding me back (mostly due to collateral family issues, parents approval, logistics etc) but on the "big" matters - faith, morals and maturity, I think these are key.

Best of luck in your discernment. ;)


#9

[quote="SummertimeBlues, post:6, topic:254587"]
I apologize for not being clear in my original post. What I meant was how do you know when you're ready to consider the possibility of settling down and marriage, in terms of education, career, maturity, and other aspects of your life?

[/quote]

As a man, when you have a reasonable expectation of being able to provide for your family, without government or family assistance. I know some people do get married while in grad school but this is difficult and not optimum. It can be done, but is stressful. If a man has gotten all the way through his education, and is in a stable job (if any are these days) with a plan for a stable future, it's likely that he is mature enough for a wife and children. This assumes he wants a lifelong partner and children.

As a woman, when she is ready to submit to the spiritual leader of the home, her husband. ;) This will earn me a lot of scathing responses, I'm sure.

I don't believe anyone is ever truly ready to have children, so I'm not going to comment on that. For everyone, it's a frightening decision to be open to life and the creation of a new human being.


#10

How important is financial stability? If you're still in school, does that mean that women will not consider you ready for marriage?


#11

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:9, topic:254587"]

As a woman, when she is ready to submit to the spiritual leader of the home, her husband. ;) This will earn me a lot of scathing responses, I'm sure.

[/quote]

No scathing responses from me :D


#12

[quote="SummertimeBlues, post:10, topic:254587"]
How important is financial stability? If you're still in school, does that mean that women will not consider you ready for marriage?

[/quote]

Being in school wasn't a deal breaker for me when I met my husband. He had gone back to school after being in the military. What was important is that he had a plan for his future, even before we met. He had goals and a purpose for his career. I had no doubt that he was going to work hard at achieving his goals, whether we ended up marrying or not. That was what was important to me.

I think the most important quality that we both had before we even met was that individually we had both discerned marriage was our vocation. Neither of us were interested in "casually" dating. I was ready to meet my future spouse, and so was he. Neither of us were interested in dating for years to discern if the other was "the one". We both were actively praying for God's will to be know to each of us before we met, and especially after we started dating.

I think only by talking to God and listening to God will you ever know when you are ready for marriage/courtship. I quit listening to what society tries to tell us we need to have or to do to be married. I was certain God's plan wasn't going to look like anything our society tries to tells us is appropriate or the normal way to go about getting married. I put all my trust in God when it was clear my vocation was marriage.


#13

[quote="SummertimeBlues, post:10, topic:254587"]
How important is financial stability? If you're still in school, does that mean that women will not consider you ready for marriage?

[/quote]

It would not really be prudent to marry while still in school if you do not have a way to support yourself. And to depend only on the employment that you think you will get afterward is not really a good idea either if you have to live in the present.


#14

[quote="SummertimeBlues, post:10, topic:254587"]
How important is financial stability? If you're still in school, does that mean that women will not consider you ready for marriage?

[/quote]

A husband should be able to support his family, babies have a habit of showing up when THEY want and not when YOU want. If you have a year or two to go before graduation, you could consider a long engagement and give yourselves extra time to get started.


#15

[quote="SummertimeBlues, post:10, topic:254587"]
How important is financial stability? If you're still in school, does that mean that women will not consider you ready for marriage?

[/quote]

I had about a year left in school when I proposed to my wife, and we set the date without knowing whether I'd have a job, be going back for grad school, be able to afford a house or be able to support her and our son. The way I saw it, though, the bigger issue was that I couldn't afford to not have her as my wife. I was willing to do whatever it took to make sure things worked out. If I'd waited until I was on solid financial ground and fully ready to buy a house, start a family, etc. I think I'd still be waiting.


#16

Well I'm only 18 so yeah...not ready for marriage yet ;)

But my only boyfriend to count was good catholic guy, and what really appealed was the fact he wanted a long committed relationship. That he already had a good future job lined up for him, and had direction. He would have been husband material if it has worked in the long term. It didn't work, but I think I want to ride the single train for a bit before I sign up for another relationship.

They do say you tend to meet your future spouse in University...


#17

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