My husband and I had a reeeaaalllly long talk last night, and even though we didn’t “get to the bottom of things”, something really popped out at me that I just don’t feel like I grasp/understand. We were going over several issues from the past which we have disagreed upon, and he said that he feels that the decisions that we make always end up in my favor (meaning me, Kittery). He said that God designed marriage for the man to be the leader and that I don’t let him do that.
Several main issues that we were discussing:
*Two months before our wedding, a brother of his was being released from prison, and my husband wanted my blessing to have him move in with him, into the house that we had bought. I said that I did not feel like we would be able to be “husband and wife” (sexually) with his brother living in the house with us, and that I was very uncomfortable with this idea. The decision went in my favor.
*This house that we bought was a major fixer-upper. It had missing windows, a make-shift kitchen, no shower, etc. We bought it especially because it had a separate tax lot next door that we could sell, or build a house on. After several months of constant fixing on the house, I got pregnant. Several things about our house aren’t cohesive with family life- no dining room and steep/dangerous stairways. I expressed my desire to move on, and he bucked. He says he’d be happy to live here forever. As of now, we’ve turned in for building permits. The decision went in my favor.
*While I was pregant with our first, my business was not doing well. My income became intermittent, sometimes not being able to bring any money home. He became very intent on changing jobs suddenly after we got married. Jobs that he was interested in were paying $7 or $8 less per hour. I couldn’t understand how, with a baby on the way, my income being shaky (we’ve since lost that income altogether), and needing money to fix the house, he could be truly considering this at that time. I really feared that I would have to continue operating the business for little to no income (we’re in a lease we can’t break), and go get a second job to keep things afloat, all while I was pregnant. I told him that I felt this way and that he was putting me in a tough position and I swear he almost left me on the spot. I’m in school now to be a nurse so that eventually, my income will allow him to take a lower-paying job. So, he didn’t leave his job (yet). The decision went in my favor.
So, what I really want to know is how married couples should deal with these kind of situations. I can’t imagine any of these scenarios going any other way (other than we could have just moved to a different house- we didn’t HAVE to build). But because of things like these, he says that I’m not letting him be what he’s called to by God. But because I feel like these things were “non-negotiable” at the time, I question myself. Am I a “control-freak” as they say? What could I have done differently? These same things haunt us every time we have one of these talks, and I never feel like I really “get it”. He has so much resentment towards me, which I regret. Did I cross the line?
I would love to know from both male and female perspectives, What makes men feel that they are the “head-of-the-household”? And how do you interpret the “wives submit to your husbands” thing?