How do you think of your same-sex crushes?


#1

So I’ve had many a person I’ve had a liking to. In order to keep a chaste friendship I tend to avoid getting too close to males who are actively homosexual (in that they engage in romantic/sexual relationships with other men). I’m a human and can’t help but be attracted to to someone else (and in this case) other males. I have a plethora of specific same-sex crushes I walk past or talk to every once in a while and find them very gorgeous. However, I personally right away see them as a close brother in order to have chaste thoughts of them. I understand they aren’t actually my close brother, some aren’t even Catholic, so does anyone have any ways they see their crushes that fosters a chaste mentality? I know I’m not the only one who is faced with this duty. Thanks :slight_smile:


#2

I can’t help but think that this question would also be well posed for both groups of singles (hetero- and homosexual). Just because I’m heterosexual doesn’t mean that I can’t identify with a “crush” feeling or infatuation. Neither “group” has a corner on the market because of sexual orientation, so please allow me to respond.

When I encounter a crush, I say, “Lord, thank you for making me human, thank you for these pheromones, thank you for making him so attractive!” Those are warm and fuzzy feelings that I like. I acknowledge those feelings and give thanks.

But if I feel myself start to pine for their company, I think of their dignity as a person and how I’m objectifying them in my mind. I pray for the strength not to battle the temptation, but I work to reframe my thought process to not see a person as a temptation to me, because that strips them of their dignity of personhood.

Obviously, this “retraining thought” is not for everyone. Michelangelo’s David, to me, is a study of the human form. Some find it erotic, whether they want to or not. Others are disposed to calling it outright smut! How can someone truly reshape their perception to thinking of the David sculpture as art versus something pornographic? That’s a highly subjective answer, because no one answer works for everyone. But the key is to move the perception of David from the erotic to the realm of art appreciation. So I try to move a crush from “some thing that turns me on” to “some person who is attractive.”

Finally, I recenter myself by reminding myself that my sexuality is a good part of me, but I am not my sexuality; I am not defined by it and it does not rule me. I have my own dignity as a gift from God.

Again, I don’t see the difference between controlling passion as either a hetero- or homosexual. We’re all called to be chaste according to our state in life. I hope this helps.


#3

You might check out this web site, it is highly recommended: couragerc.org/ or you might call your local diocease for advice, or C. A…

Linus2nd


#4

Behave as if there were a social taboo between the two of you. Imagine, for instance, that this person was a college student and you were his graduate instructor (sometimes instructors can be the same age as students). Or behave as if you had the same mother. Good friendships can exist in such situations, and once the friendship is established, the crush often subsides. But you need to mentally have it be UNTHINKABLE that anything could happen between the two of you.

This has been my experience, at least. The taboo aspect of it is very useful – you might want to look up the essay “Requiem For Friendship”, by Anthony Esolen, online.


#5

Did you omit to comment on your availability for a romantic relationship, eg. Are you married? If not married (or a religious, etc) “pining for someone’s company” may be a desire to be pursued, and it seems harsh to regard the desire as “objectifying” the person. Therein may lie a difference with which same sex attracted persons may need to contend. At the very least, they need to be ever aware of the ultimate limits that must be placed on the relationship.


#6

If this helps, I’m pursuing a religious vocation, and when I find a woman attractive, I briefly acknowledge it and move on, with the mind of treating them no differently than I would someone I wasn’t attracted to.


#7

Thank you for the chance to clarify.

The initial desire is natural, and mostly uncontrollable. Encouraging thoughts and fantasies ** is** controllable, though.

I don’t think my state in life has much bearing on this discussion, because everyone has those “crush” moments. It’s how we handle them that counts.


#8

That didn’t much clarify it for me!

Immoral thought and fantasies should be rejected, but I don’t know why pining for someone’s company needs to be resisted if you are free to move toward a romantic relationship.


#9

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