For the past 3 years, I’ve been living with the expectation that I would find happiness, but each year passes and I don’t feel any more capable of bringing joy into the world. I hope that I bring joy to those that are close to me, but I don’t do anything for anyone else. I don’t feel capable of spreading God’s love, because I don’t have enough of it in me. I’ve gained experience and some wisdom, but not the happiness that allows it to be put to use. What use is the existence of God’s teachings in my mind, without joy?
I’ve spent my life trying to find where I fit in the world, because I believed that once I found that place I would understand what God expects from me in my life. Once there, I could learn how to love people and myself no matter where I was and despite any lack of love in return. I would give myself to that goal entirely. Wholly.
But I just find myself feeling bitter, resentful, angry, and being completely unloving of others because of perceived rejection, my inability to meet their expectations, and anticipation of better future goals. I can feel that God means for me to do something else, and I’ve never been able to let go of that and enjoy the journey.
I’m a junior (supposed to be senior) in college, and I’m trying to be more serious about my search, because everything I’ve done hasn’t worked. I can only give this selfish love to a select few people in my life who either love me unconditionally or have shown themselves trustworthy.
I know that God will protect me. And I know that its slightly inappropriate to ask what kind of signs he sends, because I shouldn’t need signs.
This is all very vague. But the general bottom line for catholics seems to be the importance of the freely given, freely chosen covenant. I know that God is guiding me towards a freedom that will make his path clear.
Can someone tell me what that freedom feels like? How do I distinguish it from slothful freedom?