I was just wondering if someone could help me understand something about God. I’ve been Catholic since 2009… and in the beginning, I sometimes felt God’s love during prayer or after receiving the Sacraments. I saw this as a way He encouraged me - I always feel weak spiritually and doubt easily. I came to understand His love as something very personal, - not an abstract thing, like “God loves His creation in general” - but also: God knows me, loves me. (and everyone). But over the past few months, I’ve been going through some spiritual trials, and I’ve almost forgotten what this is like. I do believe in His love, but I’ve felt mostly desolation and dryness in prayer. I’ve also been trying to discern His will for me about something, which has been difficult. And I often feel caught up in my sins and need Confession. So today… I was thinking about some friends of mine who are either married, or engaged, or in relationships. I’m single and last year I was discerning religious life (now I’m just trying to figure out these trials that I mentioned). And all of a sudden, although I’m happy for them, I also felt sadness and loneliness because I felt like these people have someone who loves them so personally, and I do not. In the past, I never really felt this way. I always saw Jesus as Someone who is closer to me that anyone could be, and my relationship with Him felt so real. But now, when I’m weaker I guess, (though my faith in His love has not disappeared) - I had these thoughts.
I was thinking, can someone perhaps explain to me, how does Jesus love us, how does He see us? In which ways is this closer even than what people share in earthly romantic relationships? I just want to believe in His love more and to be secure in that, but it seems I forgot everything I thought i knew… it even all seemed like an illusion, something I made up through wishful thinking. But I do not believe that it is. What do you think? I’m interested in your thoughts