A little background, I’m going to college and I experience SSA. I think there’s still attraction towards women too.This weekend drove me crazy. Hung out with a friend Friday night, felt this desire to cuddle up next to him, it was irritating. I felt sad driving back home, was longing for something more. I felt such an intense feeling/desire that night. My whole body ached, I was yearning for physical touch so much, it drove me crazy. This lingered into the next day. I felt this ache, and I just wanted it to stop. I ended up getting drunk Saturday night and gave back into porn/masturbation. I went 3 months without, and now that streak is gone.
Sunday I was feeling so much shame/guilt. Felt so unworthy to be around people, was invited for lunch and went but felt like I didn’t fit in. I went home after that, I cried. Texted a friend of mine, he recommended me to goto adoration. So I did and cried there a bit too. Felt calmer afterwards. Yet, that night I just felt that intense desire again. These sexual images with women just kept popping in my head, I entertained them but didn’t masturbate or anything. I felt like if I could’ve hooked up with someone then, I would’ve. That scares me.
So now it’s Monday night. I talked with a friend about some of this, it was helpful. I went to confession. I think I now realized I’ve been suppressing a lot of stuff. I’ve told myself it’s wrong to feel that way towards women. After the events of this weekend, I’m pretty sure there’s a desire there.
So, how do I manage these desires without going crazy? “Don’t suppress them but don’t act on them.” I assume God gave us this desire to be ordered towards Marriage. Sex is very good in that context. But when I feel this, and it’s towards a guy, that’s not going to work. I don’t really intend to do sexual acts, I just want to cuddle, have a feeling of closeness but I think that’s just using him. Even if I intend for it just to be cuddling, it can lead to something more.
Deep down I have this desire for closeness. To get as close as I can to a person. I desire intimacy, I have felt so alone for so long, I’ve gotten so many good guy friends now but I feel like what I want is deeper. Should I try dating women now? I still feel like that initial attraction isn’t there, or maybe I’m still suppressing stuff. Yet I know if I ever end up getting in a relationship like that, and I feel that erotic feeling, I’m not sure if I would be able to resist doing something sexual. I guess that’s why you set boundaries and try to avoid the near occasion of sin.
I feel so much confusion, oh how I wish I didn’t feel this way towards men. I feel like it’s hard enough being attracted to one sex, let alone two. I want to be able to live a chaste life while not suppressing my attractions. So how do I fulfill this desire for physical intimacy in a healthy way?