How I would have written the two creation stories and the fall of man

Chapter 1
1 In the beginning, God created all things:
2 Galaxies, stars, planets;
3 Germs, plants, animals;
4 And lastly, He created man.
5. He set the man in the garden,
6 Or orchard, if you want to call it that,
7 And told him to not eat the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil -
8 Figurtively speaking, I mean, you don’t gain knowledge just from eating fruit;
9 Maybe better eyesight, I don’t know, but definitely not knowledge.
10 Maybe.
11 Anyway, so, like, the man said okay and ate of every fruit of every other tree.
12 Than he got lonely and prayed, "O Lord, give me a companion."
13 So God brought to him every kind of animal in the world, at that time in prehistory mind you, not every animal that ever was,
14 And the man named them all, but found no suitable companion.
15 So God made the man fall into a deep sleep, and He took out a rib to create woman.
16 The man rejoiced when he saw her and said, "You shall be mine from this day forth."
17 So, like, they got married and stuff.
18 I guess the animals acted as witnesses at the wedding.
19 But see the snake didn’t like that, so he decided to try the man and the woman.
20 He found the woman alone by the tree of knowledge of good and evil,
21 And he approached her, saying "Did God tell you not to eat from this tree?"
22 And the woman replied, "How can snakes talk?"
23 And the snake was all like, "This story isn’t literalistic, so don’t be so literal."
24 And the woman answered, "Well, God did tell me not eat the fruit of this tree. He said if I did, I would die."
25 (Note to the reader: Death is the wage of sin)
26 But the snake lied, "God lied to you. He knows if you eat this fruit, you will become a god yourself."
27 The woman knew God had created her and her husband to be like Him, but she didn’t like the way He wanted them to be like Him, or something like that,
28 So she took the fruit and ate it.
29 And she gave some to the man, who ate it too, wanting to make her happy, even if it was in disobedience.
30 Than they suddenly understood good and evil, having committed evil, and decided to hide in shame from God. They thought He would kill them for disobeying Him.
31 Now when evening came, God went through the garden, searching for the man and the woman.
32 He called out for them. The man replied, "Here I am, O Lord!
33 "I was hiding from you, because I know I have sinned. I ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. But it’s not my fault! The woman tempted me."
34 But the woman replied, "Yeah, but the snake tempted me!"
35 And the snake said, "Yeah, but…oh wait, no one tempted me."
36 So the Lord said to the man, "Because you disobeyed Me, you and your wife shall die."
37 (God only gave immortality to the man and woman)
38 “Further,” He continued, "Because of your sins, you shall each bear a punishment, that is, a consequence of your own actions."
39 To the man He said, "You will toil and sweat all day to make your food, and the earth will not cooperate with you."
40 To the woman He said, "You will bear your children in pain, and the man will rule over you in lust rather than as I wish, which is in love."
41 To the snake He said, "Because you tempted the woman, you will eat dirt and crawl on your belly."
42 To the man and woman He said, "You are under the devil’s power now, since you have subjected yourselves to him by giving into temptation, but fear not; I will redeem you."
43 Than the man and woman were banished from the garden, just as Satan was banished from Heaven for disobeying God,
44 And they went to live in the East somewhere. The man had marital relations with the woman, and she bore children. So Adam named her Eve.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.