How long will it last?


#1

Okay…
I was in love and he was in love … and it didn’t work out so we cut off the contact ( or that is… he cut it off with me because I would not marry him for many good reasons)… but my question is… I have been a miserable wretch since we split up… I am waiting for my heart to heal but it doesn’t seem to… I am stille weeping every day and it has been 4 months and 12 days since I saw him … is this normal… when will it stop… I am so tired …


#2

**I can’t answer to what normal is but what you are feeling is certainly understandable. You had an attachment, a bond. It will take awhile for that pain/loss to heal. But how fast can depend on how you help yourself. If you spend all of your free time reminiscing and mourning the pain will stick around. But if you fill your thoughts with other stuff (from school to charity to Church to dating again) you will get through this faster. Also, make sure you really take whatever lessons this experience has to offer you and absorb them! Use this to help you if and when you have another serious relationship.

Also, not saying you did or didn’t and I don’t really want to know, sex creates a very strong bond between two people (it was designed to help marriages stay strong) so that may or may not be a factor.

Malia**


#3

No, it’s not normal.
How good were these good reasons for refusing to marry him?


#4

very good reasons… I never even wanted to fall in love with him… I was totally taken by surprise when one day I was at Mass and I could not stop thinking about him…
I fell passionately in love even though I did not want to. and the relationship was bad for me and my relationship with God.

he was too old for me
he was a poor man, unable to support a family
practically homeless
not catholic
had a past with abuse and drugs
had been married a long time ago
he tempted me to fall
and many more…

many good reasons… but alas… I miss him so much every day… not for what he isn’t but for what he is…


#5

Even sins can bring you closer to God.
Here I suspect that what you interpret as your good relationship with God is in fact your prudent upbringing. The boyfriend represents a truth beyond that, which is why you still yearn for him.
However he’s probably not what you are really looking for, just something closer to it than what you had. You’ll find the same good qualities in someone else, but it will be a relationship that actually has a future.


#6

Dear brother.

No… love Jesus… I came to know Him only a few years ago and I was very very on fire… and then I became catholic… one of those that wanna change the world in a day and go around evangelising on the streets and cant get enough of God…I loved Jesus with a spousal love… so even when I fell so deeply and madly in love with a mortal man I was shocked… and already there I felt I was unworthy to stand infront of my Jesus … so I started avoiding my heavenly spouse… BAD idea. because I was in love and this man was very passionate and we really looked like each other in the soul and he was wonderful in many ways… and we loved being together and talking about God and going to Church and all that… but we were tempted heavily … and my fall was the biggest dissapointment in my whole life. Not only has my heart been broken since I had to leave the man but I have also been near despair because of my loss of innocense… I thought: my life is over. But Jesus saved me… oh how good He is… so I am still sad but now I know He has only good things in His right hand for me and He will never leave me though I am a fragile soul.
But the pain of missing the man that I so fell in love with… that is a pain for itself…
This time in my life is very hard… please forgive me for babbling… this is the only place I can do it…


#7

Grace, It seems from what you are describing these are really different traits than you have. Spend your time Praying to St. Monica and the Blessed Mother to bring you a man that will more closly hold your values and you can cling to each other. One of the main components of marriage is that each spouse strives to get the other to God’s Kingdom.

You are in my prayers: HAIL MARY, Full of Grace, The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of death. Amen.


#8

Thank you TIME.

I feel rather besides my self and dont get much prayed.
I do believe the Lord will give me a good man in due time… also a man that can help heal my wounds.
And you are right… the man was very different from me in important areas and I know this is important.
However it is not likely that I will marry a Catholic… but there are many good evangelical men in my country.


#9

As much as I normally agree with pretty much everything you say, on this one I need to disagree. Dating in such a state would help neither the Opening Poster nor the guys who’d be on the receiving end. We’ll agree, I’m sure, that those guys can’t be used as a tool in healing and at this stage they could hardly be more than that. Additionally, the cure won’t work anyway since it will either make matters worse (reminding of the good times with the previous guy) or risk throwing the Opening Poster into a relationship doomed from start, resulting in many complications. Unless of course that were to be light-hearted, unserious dating leading to nothing, but leading people on would be wrong. So I guess just spending time with guys could help by providing an example that the male gender doesn’t end with that single one who’s gone, as well as some contact with the other gender - we need contact with both genders in order to stay sane.


#10

Grace, Our Father hears all His children’s prayers. Ask and you will receive.


#11

As much as I normally agree with pretty much everything you say, on this one I need to disagree. Dating in such a state would help neither the Opening Poster nor the guys who’d be on the receiving end.
**
Sorry I wasn’t clear… I meant* thinking*** about dating again. As in what were the good qualities about this man she would like to find again and what were the not so good ones she wishes not to duplicate. How she can grow as a potential spouse and be the “right woman” for the right man God will hopefully send her way. I agree that actually dating at this time may not be prudent:thumbsup:

malia


#12

#13

“Love” can make you blind. Be sure to know that there is a fine line between love and compassion. To me it sounds like you feel compassion for this person that has been a part of your life for some time now.

In reading the reasons why you would not marry him, I would say that you need to continue to think with your head and not your heart on this one. You can have love for this man, care for this man, but what you do not need is a “project marriage.” By that I mean, on the surface it seems that this gentleman, while he may be a great man, has several “issues” that he would be bringing into the marriage. You are not the one that should have to fix those. Entering a marriage you would expect “all your ducks to be in a row” and starting a happy life together, not making a list of “to do’s” on how to fix the other person.

I know that it may be hard now, but you must have patience and trust in God’s plan for you in your life. Turn to Him when you struggle, he will provide. “This too shall pass.” I know it is easier said than done, but you must (you must) think about your future, stop focusing on the past. You must think that if you were to marry this man, (based upon what you have said) your troubles would just be beginning.


#14

I heard that it takes a broken heart to heal for about the same amount of time two people were together to begin with.

So assuming you were together for a year, you can assume it’ll take a year to really get over it.

So they say…:shrug:


#15

thank you dear sisters in Jesus…

Its just so cold and lonely… and my relationship with him really brought me into an identity crisis… nothing less…because of the sin… the uncommitable, unforgivable, unforgettable… whatever people say… Its really ugly being good one day and waking up the next day knowing that in the spiritual realm you have just comitted a murder and the stains wont seem to ever go off…

I hope none of you never had that experience…:crying:

Mirror Mirror… I know… and don’t worry about it. I am not going to marry him… precisely because it would be a poor marriage for me.
I would not be happy… he may think I am the woman of his dreams but it would not be happy…
I think I just suffer even more because of his silence… I dont understand how he has left me so utterly alone… at one point he was so in love he could not even stay away from situations leading us into sin… and now suddenly he has the iron-will to stay silent… something is not right with that…

I ought to be over it now… our relationship lasted 4 months…it has been 4, 5 months since I saw him the last time.

:frowning: Thanks for your kind understanding… I guess whenever I open myself up on this forum I expect people to tell me: “Grace…you sure are the biggest idiot in the universe… how stupid can you be!” …because that is how I see myself. But you people never say what I expect…


#16

Grace, often what we have built up in our minds is a glorified version of the real relationship, and that’s what we miss so very much after it ends. You’re not the first one to go through something like this, nor will you be the last, so please don’t feel stupid or foolish. I wasted four years of my own life in an on-again-off-again relationship with someone who was lazy, irresponsible, unemployed more than he was working, and who was a world-class freeloader. But he was so nice and sincere and caring, and all of that…until I realized that beneath the “niceness” he was very clever at manipulating others to enable his bad behavior. I missed his “nice” qualities after I left him, as you are missing the nicer qualities of your ex. My mind was filled with “if only’s” and “what-if’s” (that’s why I took him back so many times :blush: ). But in your case as well as mine, there were some absolute deal-breakers, so we have to walk away and trust that God has a different, better plan for our lives. With Christmas here, I know how hard it is to see everyone else having happy times as couples and families. Maybe that is also causing you pain?

As far as his silence goes, men often want to make a clean break. I asked a guy about this once, and he said that it’s not as if they don’t care anymore about you, just that it was pointless to stay in contact with a woman if he knew that their romantic relationship was finished. He didn’t want or need “friends,” he had his guy-buddies for that. Maybe your ex thinks the same way…

Hang in there, dear sister. Praying for you.


#17

When you speak of sin leaving a stain that never comes off, oh dear girl, have you been to Confession? You need to know that God truly loves and forgives us, the Sacrament is there for you.

Let God heal your heart.

You might read this prayer:

catholicanalysis.blogspot.com/2007/03/prayer-for-healing-of-memories-by-fr.html


#18

dear kage_ar… I have been to confession. And I know of Jesus love and forgiveness.
I think what I mean when I write “stain that doesnt come off” is that every day and night it is always with me what I have done… how horribly I have failed, not only to God but also to my self and to my dreams of my future marriage. It has been so so difficult for me to see my self in a new circumstance and redefine myself and try and live with that.

as for the man… ah… I dont know what is wrong with me. he is like part of me… its crazy… whenever I think of him I wanna just shake him and say: “dont you understand… I love you… I love you like a close relative would love!”

One of you stated that often guys need a “clean cut” or something like that… well, thats the difficult part. I never dated anyone except once 8 years ago… because it is not in my culture to really date… and I was never into the disco, party-life of the wild youth in my country… and then I met Jesus and feel in love with Him and I was not at all desperate to find a man.

then I met J… and we were friends… he was so wonderful to me. I can barely write. he called me precious sister and I called him precious brother…
Thats the whole thing. I loved him for him… not for his looks or age or wits or anything… he loved me too… we were friends… but I must have been blind. You see. I cant understand that a Precious Brother could leave a precious sister alone when she was so broken down and when she really wanted to continue the friendship… because I loved him… I dont understand this sudden strength in him that he did not have all the time where he was suppose to have it where things got out of control…

I know I am an idiot… maybe I was fooled? I just don’t understand… One day I will see him again… Lord help me to not ever be so imature and passionate and head over-heals again…


#19

I am so sorry you are hurting so badly!:hug1: :hug1: :hug1: :hug1:

It will get better, and things will get easier. It may take awhile, but stay strong. Do not be afraid of love. Dating is a learning process. When people hurt us, we must try to see the relationship for the good and the bad it was and when we are ready to move on, use that knowledge to eventually find what it is we need in another person. I will be praying for you


#20

Thanks for the “hug”…

I just feel beside my self. After the relationship ended I was so depressed both because of the loss of him and the sense of loss of myself…(its called self-disillusion) I guess.

Anyway… right now I dont know wether to be mad at him for what he did to me or … how and to where and whom am I’m gonna direct these strong emotions.

I am no longer expecting anyone to respond to this monologue of my feelings…
But it is better to vent on this forum than to write to him… oh how pathetic it would be …to do it again. I have done it sometimes after he said we had to cut out the contact… just short lines… or even longer notes but always without anger… I am the kind of person who does not know how to get angry… I get real hurt thats all.
Also tonight I wanna write to J. I wanna tell him: what have you done to me… I dont lack people who want my friendship …but the one whose friendship I truly want to win and whom I have done my utmost to please… he does not lower his eyes anymore to see me laying there in the cold mud infront of him and reach down to grap me… to have mercy… I have a feeling he knows I am there. but he is in the work of cleaning off himself after he made it to the shore… And I have to carry myself and accept that he has turned his back…

I feel like writing some bad words here… But what good would it do… what good would indeed anything do anymore…


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