How many second chances?


#1

My husband and I married in July of 05. Four months later, my father was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. I discovered I was pregnant in January, to my joy, and my husbands dismay. He’s now 43 years old, Southern Baptist, I’m a cradle catholic, 27 years…

He was, in retrospect, verbally abusive the whole time I was pregnant, because he ‘couldn’t cope’ with the thought of having a baby (he was 41 at the time, divorced, w/ children) and used that as justification for his treatment of me. Over and over again, he’d tell me gems like ’ you’d better enjoy this because it’s the only one we’re having!’ or ‘boy, dear, you’re getting awfully, um, broad across the back. How much weight did you say you’ve gained?’ or this beaut- ‘what, are you just sitting there growing?’ The whole while, I’m stressing because I have a brand new job and oh yes,

(his ‘friend’ said to me’well, he said you were as big as a hall closet! You’re not that big!’ Hubby’s reply? “What? Yes she is!”)

So I had our son 12 days before my father passed away, and he’d made more comments about my weight at the funeral of all places.

I’d almost-almost-gotten to the point where I thought maybe I’d be able to forgive him, and really try again, because he’d destroyed any bond we’d built - he let me down, and then kicked me, over and over again, when I had no one to turn to, and really didn’t love him anymore. Then, about 2 mos ago, I discovered that he’s spent over $400 on porn ppv movies-all the while he’s telling me we’re so broke, that I couldn’t buy maternity clothes, or baby stuff for the nursery (I’m frugal by nature; I’m more a secondhand chic type than even a old navy baby type). He thinks I should just get over and not be mad. He even purchased a movie when he stayed home from work to watch our son, when his mother (who normally sits for us) was unavailable! I came home to a baby with a bad case of diaper rash (rare for DS, since he’s still only nursing). When I called him on the whole PPV movie thing, he got mad when I told him I didn’t trust him anymore (shocker!) and he put his fist through our bedroom door, and told me to 'Pack my ***** and get the f$%# out." (The second, maybe third time this year he’s said that to me).

I’ve spoken to a priest several times, he’s very good, but replied to my last email stating "I’ve received the e-mail. My thoughts are somewhat jumbled. I need some time to pray about my response. The subject of prayer just floods me as I read through the letter. I can not sort my thoughts out well enough just now to respond. In prayer we support true love, the best intensions toward the other. " and that he’d try to get back to me within a week. That was three weeks ago, and honestly, I’m feeling more and more anxious and trapped.

My mother is certain that I should leave and take our son. I’m severely depressed, the only joy in my life is that which I get from my son. I can’t do anything right, and DH is convinced thta I’m just unhappy because I’m not ‘coping’ with the fact that Dad died. He wont hear that it’s his actions, his words, his lack of respect that is causing our trouble. I’d rather be alone forever, than live like this the rest of my life, but I still can’t bring myself to leave.

There is only one marriage counselor in the area; I went to her once and she told me to get a divorce, that we were past saving.

How do I leave when I still love the man I thought he was, but can’t stand the man he appear to truly be? I vowed to love him before God, I’m certain it isn’t a vaild marriage, because he said so many times that he wasn’t ever having any more kids, and he obviously didn’t intend for our marriage to be exclusive, judging by his use of porn before and after our wedding, but I’m still overwhelmed with guilt and fear at the thought of1 leaving. I’m scared to death to have more kids with him; partly because he’d treat me that way again, and then I’d have two to deal with, and partly because that would make finding someone else so much harder. I want more kids-I want a big, normal, Catholic family-as God intended. I want a husband that treats me well.

Does anybody have any advice? Words of encouragement? Phone numbers for someone who breaks kneecaps for a living? (Obviously I don’t mean the last one, but I’m at the point where it’s either laugh or cry and I’m nearly out of tears!)

Reading back through this, it sounds pathetic.

It is so much better to give advice, than to act on it. I know what I’d tell someone in my situation, but I don’t know how to get started-what to do first?


#2

Your primary responsibility is you and your baby. Your husband is a big boy and can care for himself. Your baby can’t. As difficult as it may seem, the choice is clear to me.
That being said, I will pray for you when I say my night prayers.
Kathy


#3

You know what? You are absolutely right. I know that, but it fell to the wayside as I wallow in self pity.

Now if I can only maintain strength of conviction without faltering.

Perhaps its because getting married, is such a reason for joy, and a divorce is so very much the opposite.


#4

I don’t know what to say except I also think Katie is right. I’ll be praying for you and the little guy, too. God bless you.


#5

Having been married for 17 years to a man with similar attitudes about sex, women, and babies…all I can say is it is better to see things for what they are sooner rather than later. I waited too long and gave my exhusband far too many chances.

Your husband’s attititude about sex and women and not being open to life are major, major problems that will only get worse and will really hurt you and your child. It’s better to do something now, rather than to hope it will all magically get better. It won’t.


#6

Have you talked to a priest about this?

God bless,
Ed


#7

My husband has a 4th degree black belt, and we were reading your story together. He said “I’ve been known to do a few jobs pro bono” :wink: We will be praying for you tonight!

Just the fact that you don’t want to have any more babies with your husband because it will make finding a new husband harder, says something about your situation.

Were you married in the Catholic Church or did you get a dispensation to marry outside the Church? If you did, then didn’t your husband have to promise to be open to children and to raising them in the Catholic faith?


#8

Abusive people, typically were abused, themselves. That being said…until they face the fact that a)they are abusive, and b)that their abuse stems probably from their own childhood and c) they try to seek help…this will be an endless cycle…and your kids will learn from all of this abuse around them. What they will learn is left to be seen, but I agree with Kathy. I think that unless he is willing to do the above three things…your marriage will always suffer like this…and this is no way to live.

God doesn’t want us to be in dangerous situations. If you left him–you would be leaving a dangerous situation, frankly. How can that be immoral or wrong? But, you have to make your own decision–I will pray extensively for you on this.


#9

If you feel that you need to get out (even if only for your baby’s sake) but can’t figure out how, call the national domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (there’s a line for the hearing-impaired, too: 1-800-787-3224). There are also local shelters in most states (one is called the House of Ruth) that can help.

Has he hit you yet?


#10

GET out of there. He doesn’t even want you there. He told you to pack your &^%$ bags, I actually agree with him there. Obviously for different reasons.


#11

Praying for your strenghth (and I also agree with Katie). Maybe for strenght, think on this…you do not want your son growing up in a home where abuse and pornography are daily occurances. You, I’m sure, are very concerned for his spiritual and physical well being and in this instance I think you already know what to do!

My friend (a doctor) went to a seminar on porn once where they stressed that “Users abuse and abusers use”. From research I’ve done in my own field, this the correlation I have seen as well. God bless!


#12

Separation from your husband for your sake and the sake of the baby is not the same as divorce. I suggest you go to your Mother’s for a nice long visit. While you are there do a few things–talk to a lawyer to be sure of your situation, talk to your bank and get your financial situation straight, finally and most importnantly speak to a priest IN PERSON. Emails don’t count in situations like this, you need to be in the same room, talking in real time.
I will be praying for you.


#13

I know this may sound silly but I’m curious…is there any chance for an annullment? It sounds like to me with the porno (before and after the wedding) that you could prove that he didn’t enter into the marriage with full intent. I dunno if that’s enough grounds for an annullment though as I don’t know too much about it… :shrug:


#14

There is a wonderful new website just launched by the US Catholic Bishops regarding marriage…it is foryourmarriage.org.

This is the article dealing with domestic violence, which is what you are battling. Check out the links. We are adding you to our prayer list. foryourmarriage.org/interior_template.asp?id=20398729


#15

…Your husband is a big boy and can care for himself…

About the only thing true in this statement is the “Boy” word.

…‘boy, dear, you’re getting awfully, um, broad across the back. How much weight did you say you’ve gained?’…

My reply would’ve been “Well, since your initial 1/2 ounce “donation”… it might be xx lbs…”

Bail out. Get help

In 20 years of marriage I’ve never punched a hole through a door… and there’s been a few times I’ve been furious enough to want to.

Separation from your husband for your sake and the sake of the baby is not the same as divorce. I suggest you go to your Mother’s for a nice long visit. While you are there do a few things–talk to a lawyer to be sure of your situation, talk to your bank and get your financial situation straight, finally and most importnantly speak to a priest IN PERSON. Emails don’t count in situations like this, you need to be in the same room, talking in real time.
I will be praying for you.

Do this.


#16

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