Woohoo!!! This is my first thread since the crash of 06. And, yes, at least for the first half of it being crashed, I did check almost everyday to see if it was back up!
Anyways, as I continue to learn and grow together with my fiancee, I have come across more and more information about his family and his childhood, much of which is sad to hear. I am afraid that this forum is too public for specific examples as I am speaking about someone without their permission, but I will try to outline some of the issues that have come up without invading on my future-in-laws privacy. (My fiancee is okay about posting).
In talking about childhood experiences, I have learned that he has experienced quite a lot of abuse in almost every typical way except direct sexual abuse, and even then he did experience covert or indirect sexual abuse through relatives.
Abuses included everything from seemingly trivial and hard to pin down emotional abuse such as withdrawing affection or threatening to abandon him at a young age when he didn’t do chores all the way up to being shut into a closet and having food and necessities taken away for small reasons such as not listening or talking back.
Physical abuse included having things thrown at him, being shaken, hit, smacked, kicked, threatened to be killed, etc. Physical abuse is actually what uncovered all of this and led to our talking, as a disagreement a couple months ago between him and his dad resulted in being hit and thrown across the room. (Thankfully he did not respond and instead left quickly).
Emotional abuse appears to be largely from his mother and apparently went along the lines of neglect and guilt. (The 'ole, if you become a lawyer, I’ll kill myself, stay home forever line). I learned about his experiences of emotional abuse by confronting it whenever he would clam up. Such as I would tell him, “I’ll be there at 6PM” and if I was a few minutes late, he would breakdown and regress to a childlike state, as only God knew when his mom would show up or be home, so obviously I was acting like his mom and abandoning him.
Sexual abuse began around 9yrs of age while at Grandma’s house. Uncles introduced him to various pornographic outlets and other situations that I cannot post on a public forum. Although he says he is sure that no direct abuse occurred, (and I do believe him) I still think these experiences are under sexual abuse as it was a traumatizing experience for a young child.
All of this is like a mountain falling on me! But it does help to fill in the blanks and really brings together the whole picture. I have felt that with every step he makes to becoming holier, more independent, loving and happier, his parents have waged an all out battle. All along, I have dismissed it as just cutting the apron strings or that his parents want what’s best for him a little too much, kwim? Things like threatening to call his boss at work and get him fired because they don’t want him to work were red flags to me, but I could only count them as random actions. Now they are fitting in.
Okay, so I am getting to the point of realizing his parents are completely loony and off the rocker. Despite the benefit of the doubt I keep giving, it is almost becoming purposefully blatant. Or maybe they are becoming more comfortable around me and thus being abusive around me. (Such as yelling and cursing, threatening while I am in the room).
This has all dropped from the sky recently. To be honest, I would not have begun a relationship if I had been aware of the sorely dysfunctional dynamic of his family.
The only thing I could think to do was talk to my mom about it and post here. My mom says to run for my life. What do the anonymous posters think? I wish there was a way to marry him without the family. I feel like I’ve been with him long enough to see him inside and out. I have not experienced any red flags or abuse from him, even in cases where he was angry, sick, put on the spot or stressed out. I feel like he is worth it. But I am seeing this from a young point of view. Any suggestions?