How much should physical attraction matter?


#1

edited


#2

Well…you have to realize that physical attractiveness fades with time. Fortunately, in a solid relationship, growing love and respect fill in the space that physical attractiveness vacated.

Having said that, I have to give you credit for acknowledging the fact that it’s a big deal to you, and that you feel that you could “do better.” Do this lady a favor and let her move on.


#3

Yeah, “do better” physically. But as I said, in my past experience, the “hot” ones were also nuts. This is my dilemma.


#4

I agree with BettyBoop. You obviously can see all of her wonderful qualities, but you can’t seem to get past her weight. If you consider it that big of a turn off then by all means let her go.


#5

I have no good advice sorry! but I see the attractiveness in being overweight. Of course I do know it is not healthy and I actually can love my man in a slimmer size… I guess I just love him to bits. That’s all I’m going to say since I don’t want to be improper heh


#6

I hate to break it to you but loosing weight does not always make people look better. I can think of a couple of people who looked normal/proportioned when they were overweight and loss weight and looked more ‘freaky’. Now if they wanted a lower weight for health reasons, go for it.

But honestly, I really have to wonder if you aren’t attracted to her or if you are simply concerned about what other’s will think of you when you are seen in public with a ‘not hot’ girl. It is insecure to wonder what ‘other will think of me if I date this girl’

Honestly, I think you should break up with her because she deserves better.

Most people put on weight with age. Some people are in terrible accidents and are then disfigured.

Physical attraction matters but not in the way secular society tells us

CM


#7

Well, do you actually love her anyway? Even if you marry a woman who is thin right now, how do you know she won’t gain 60 pounds after a pregnancy or two? However, if there really is no spark at all (you have no interest in being intimate with her), then it is probably not the right person for you.


#8

Why only try the “hot” ones and the ones with whom you have no physical attraction at all? I personally don’t like “hot chicks” either. I like “cute” or “sweet” looking girls. The ol’ “girl next door”, you know? Maybe you need to seek out a happy medium.

Indeed. Since this is an important issue for you, it would not make for a good marriage without her changing.

Your guy is very blessed to have someone like you, I think! :slight_smile:


#9

Okay, I’d like to address the bolded points.
1.) The whole “when we’re in public” thing is problematic in my opinion because it speaks volumes about your own insecurity. It seems to me that if you are feeling this way in public, you are afraid of what people might think of you and you have no qualms about shunting your girlfriend under the bus so to speak, in favor of how you believe society views her. No matter who your girlfriend is, you should be proud to show her off in public and you shouldn’t let people’s pettiness get in the way of your relationship.

2.) The fact that she’s trying to lose the weight shows you that she cares about health. She sounds like a wonderful person who was given this cross to bear in life. No one is perfect, and if this issue really bothers you, you have a couple of options. You could break up with this girl, but just know that if that’s the case, she deserves better. You could try and join a gym with her, or maybe just eat healthful foods. You know, it’s difficult to lose weight because for the most part, it is caused by emotions. If she’s feeling your reluctance to become close with her because of her weight, this could in turn, drive her to eat more for depression/anxiety. The least you could do is be supportive of her, not only with encouraging comments, but by actions. Understand that this issue is one of the most difficult ones, and that she’s trying her best. She’s only human, and again, no one is perfect.

3.) The fact that you say she’s a good kisser shows that there is some attraction on your part. Bottom line is that if you truly care about someone, something this trivial shouldn’t matter. Especially if that person is as great of a catch as you have said that this girl is.


#10

Thanks for your reply, and all the replies so far.

Your analysis is very reasoned. Yes, I am insecure, a thing I hate about myself.

I think when people are replying “let her go”, they are saying it for her sake, not mine.


#11

i think initially looks may be important, but after knowing someone it is less so.
she sounds wonderful. her weight wouldnt matter to me.:slight_smile:


#12

If you find someone who will happily live with you the rest of your life, right from the start you are better off than half the people who get married.

Looks do not matter. Finding someone who believes that marriage lasts forever and will do what it takes to make your marriage work is the most beautiful person in the world.


#13

I can only speak for myself. Yes I was saying let her go for her sake, not yours. Although in the long run if you did marry her I wonder if it would work b/c you don’t accept her as she is now. I said let her go b/c it isn’t fair to let her think there may be something deeper than it is at this time. If I was seeing someone I would have wondered if I was seeing you.

Over the years as an overweight woman I’ve dated men who were what most other woman would have called “hot” and men who other woman probably wouldn’t give a second look. I would prefer someone who treats me well and is a good Christian man than one who looks “hot.” Looks fade, weight can go up or down. A man needs to love me as I am. If they can’t see past my weight to the good Christian woman that I am, then I know I can do better and I deserve better.

I don’t remember seeing your age. I can tell you that as you age you will be able to see beyond weight and physical appearance. Now that I’m in my early 50’s I’ve found that more men have learned that lesson then when I was in my 20’s.

Try not to be so insecure. I bet you have a lot to offer her or another woman.


#14

It should matter SOMEWHAT.

I mean, if you are completely repulsed by someone physically, that aint gonna work.

But if there is at least something there, it could work. But proceed with caution.

You have to also look at the reverse situation. What if you looked for someone you were more physically attracted to, but say, shortly after marriage, they blew up and became 100-200 lbs overweight?

Or they became disfigured? Or just aged quickly? Or got lazy about their looks? Or got a haircut you hate? etc. etc. the list goes on and on, but the bottom line is that appearances DO change, and sometimes more quickly than you might think.

And then again, what if she lost a few pounds? Would you be a lot more attracted to her? Super attracted?

What if your metabolism slowed down (trust me, it will before you know it) and YOU gain 50-60 pounds?

I think young people (16-25) put WAY WAY WAY too much importance on physical appearance. (older people put too much importance on money, job security, etc.)

Having a deep, strong friendship with them, truly enjoying their company, not imagining your life without them, these are all far more important, but there should be at least SOME amount of physical attraction, in my opinion.


#15

I think, and this isn’t meant to be rude, she’s too good for you and you need to let her go find someone who isn’t ashamed to be with her. Maybe you could find someone like her who is just kind of homely instead of fat, and that will not be a big turn off for you. I think your honesty in this matter is highly commendable.

I would also like to point out that when you are friends first, sometimes you get sort of sister/brother attached and your subconscious fights the impulse to sexual attraction even if someone doesn’t have a physical imperfection.

Personally, with your issues, I think marriage is just a set-up for adultery. Do her a favor and move on and don’t try and be friends after - much too painful for her.

God bless you abundantly in your search for the perfect fit in a life partner.


#16

Physical attraction matters a fair amount, after all, our first impression (unless we’re blind) is visual. So I’m thinking that you find her somewhat attractive, and would find her more attractive if she lost weight. But if you’re ashamed to be with her and have a nagging sense that you could do better, she is going to pick up on that. That’s hurtful and unfair to her. It’s unkind to maintain a relationship on a string.

Just be advised that physical appearance is the least durable of human traits. Ask anyone who went to their twentieth high school reunion.

As much as someone tries, they can’t assemble an ideal mate from several bins of parts! I call that Frankensteining a search for a mate. For example, the “perfect mate” would have one person’s looks, another’s intellect, a third’s personality, a fourth’s spirituality, a fifth’s sense of industry, etc, etc. Each person is an unique child of God, and deserves the honor and respect due to that fact.

With that in mind, either learn to be attracted to her and appreciate her for who she is and what she looks like right now, or move on.


#17

The only person who can really answer this question is you.

While it's tempting to push through the lack of physical attraction because you don't want to be shallow or throw away a wonderful possibility, keep in mind that there is nothing inherently wrong with physical attraction. God designed us a certain way and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be physically attracted to your future wife. If a lack of physical attraction means you don't admire/respect your girlfriend as you really should, then for her sake and yours it may be best to move on.

But, as you point out yourself, she has many other wonderful qualities, and qualities you have failed to find in more physically attractive GFs previously. Whoever we eventually marry, they will have certain faults. The dating process is a means of working out which faults you can accept and which you can't...because everyone has some faults. So, is her "fault" in this regard a deal-breaker? Would you rather a more attractive wife who has certain personality faults that this girl doesn't? Unfortunately, these questions can't really be answered rationally. You may rationally decide that you want to get over this issue, but perhaps your affections will not develop because of it.

So what do you do? :shrug: Only you can decide...


#18

Well, of course. In fact, if you break up with her and she says “this is about my weight, isn’t it?” this is how you should reply: “Jenny, if I’m the kind of guy who couldn’t accept you because you don’t look like someone else, then I’d be the one who needs to change, not you. If anybody ever says he accepts all of you except this part or that part, then he’s the one who needs to go. Let him go wise up, and don’t look back. He’ll be the one that needs to lose the baggage, not you. If he doesn’t, then you’re better off finding somebody with better eyesight.”

And it will be the total truth.

I don’t mean to be too hard on you. It is my opinion that most of us have something that we “can’t see past.” I have even come to see that natural affection is the very special gift of being able to truly see how special a particular person is. If we all saw that right away, if we really even saw a fraction of what God has put into any given human being, in our fallen state would we not be driven crazy by covetousness and desire? So perhaps it is a grace that we have some shallow blindnesses to compensate for our deep blindnesses. It’s a theory, anyway. :shrug:

Let her find someone who truly appreciates her. You both deserve to be in a mutual admiration society. If that means that someday you’ll look back at this and kick yourself, at least you’ll have left for all the right reasons. If you leave and come back, then you’ll know why you came back, she’ll have the unqualified affection she’ll have always deserved, and you’ll be able to give the unqualified affection that you’ll always have wanted to give, too. There is nothing wrong with that.


#19

I dated an adonis and he was the biggest jerk in the world but looked good on my arm. I am ashamed to say that, but it’s the truth. I became a shell of the woman I was before that relationship.

Then I dated a moderately handsome, chubby guy who had the most wonderful personality, loving, kind, treated his mother like gold, and just funny as could be. Unfortunately, he was not into long-term commitment or marriage so that was that after not too long. Still a friend, though, because that’s the kind of man he is.

Now I’m happily single, but should someone come along, I would take personality over looks any day.

I have to agree with the others… if you can’t get past it, let her go.


#20

Also, to the OP,

No one has really mentioned this, it seems like people are making this into a “choose between looks or personality” thing,

BUT, If I were you, I wouldn’t “settle” either way.

Wait for someone that has BOTH, the looks and the personality that you are personally attracted to. I mean, don’t be unrealistic about it. If you are not a “10” on the looks scale, don’t hold out for a supermodel.

Pray for the perfect person (for you-- no one is actually perfect of course). At the same time, as long as there is nothing sinful in the relationship with this “almost” perfect girl, there is nothing wrong with staying in the relationship if you are not sure!!

I’m sorry, but the “just let her go” stuff is silly if you ask me. That’s what dating is about, seeing what you like, who you like, giving plenty of time to be sure. Of course if you are ALREADY 100% sure that you could never ever marry her, then yeah, you would be unfairly wasting her time, but as long as there is a possibility, then you shouldn’t feel pressured to break up with her just because you aren’t sure!! I wasn’t 100% sure even up to the actual marriage with my husband! I got up to about 95% or 99% though (LOL) so don’t decide everything in one night for goodness sake!!

Also, as a side note, DO pray for her weight issues, not for selfish reasons, but because SHE mentioned it is a big struggle for her. I have a friend who struggled with her weight for YEARS, but she had some kind of miraculous dream and the Lord spoke to her and anyway, she sites that dream as a turning point in her struggle, and she has been thin and kept the weight off for 8-9 years. (and is now a successful business owner, founded her own fashion company)


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