How much time seperate from your fiancee/spouse is appropriate?


#1

OK,

In a nutshell my fiancee wants to go do the guy thing of skiing with his best guy friend. The issue is that this is taking time away from each other esp since we only see each other on the weekends. He says that his friendships are important and need to be nurtured. He treats me well and I have no other complaints. I don't need him stuck to my side all the time but something in my gut is unsettled. He's only done this once before. I can't help thinking that this will only continue once we get married and have children.

Am I being too idealistic or is this an issue of concern? I get along with his best friend but he is a guy that says he never wants to get married. Neither one of them are party people.

I need your advice. We are due to be married in a few months.


#2

I think that the only person who can truly answer this is your fiancee. There has to be trust the relationship, and you want him to be in your pocket shows no trust.
Just my opinion:)


#3

[quote="toothfairy, post:1, topic:182739"]
OK,

In a nutshell my fiancee wants to go do the guy thing of skiing with his best guy friend. The issue is that this is taking time away from each other esp since we only see each other on the weekends. He says that his friendships are important and need to be nurtured. He treats me well and I have no other complaints. I don't need him stuck to my side all the time but something in my gut is unsettled. He's only done this once before. I can't help thinking that this will only continue once we get married and have children.

Am I being too idealistic or is this an issue of concern? I get along with his best friend but he is a guy that says he never wants to get married. Neither one of them are party people.

I need your advice. We are due to be married in a few months.

[/quote]

He's only done this once and you are concerned?! It really does sound like you need him stuck to your side all the time. It would be one thing if he spent nearly all his time with his friends and away from you, but only his second time going away?

It's healthy and normal to have a life outside a relationship. Why don't you do something fun with your girlfriends when he's gone? Or alone if that's what you prefer?

It's definitely unreasonable to expect a man not to go skiing with a buddy. Friendships are important and do need to be nurtured, though once you're married you'll find yourself being friends with other couples and doing things together.


#4

of course it is an issue of concern if it troubles you. it is something you must discuss and negotiate as you prepare for marriage, as you would differing views about handling money, children, where to live etc. As described the situation is setting up someone for being seen as demanding and unreasonable, so unless you can arrive together at a mode of living that both consider reasonable, you are headed for trouble. You might want to begin with considering exactly what the issue is. Surely you do not envision a marriage where neither is allowed to go out with friends. So there must be some other issue. Is it that particular friend of his who is a problem (bad influence for instance)? Is it a matter of not being consulted in making plans for your mutual time together? Work it out now or you will be having problems later.


#5

YOU need to decide if this is an important issue. Does he intend to do this after you are married? If so, are you okay with it? Some people are; I am not. Neither is my DH. We don’t do “guys’ weekends” or “girls’ weekends”. We spend enough time apart as it is with our work schedules, so any free time we have with each other is sacred to us and our son (we’ve been married almost 22 years.)

Perhaps he believes that his friendships and marriage can, and should, be separate. That is something you two need to discuss and agree upon BEFORE you get married. In our relationship, we “married” some of each other’s friends (those friendships are still going strong…and made new friends when those friends married) and some other friends we had to “divorce” (usually the ones who objected to us including our spouse in our get-togethers… I mean, what does that tell you?)

But the final word is, this is something the two of you need to talk about as honestly and openly as possible. BEFORE you get married.


#6

This sounds like a difference in POV on friendships. Better to explore and deal with it now, it could be a deal breaker for marriage.

For DH and I, we both feel the same way. We do need time with our friends and we value that time. Neither way of dealing with friendships is right or wrong, it just sounds as if the two of you are not on the same page.

If you cannot live with it now, remember, it will not change after you get married.


#7

I think you are totally within your rights to demand that 1) he consider how you feel about him going off with his friends for a weekend and 2) you two must discuss this at length and come to a mutual decision before you are wed.

My husband and I met on CatholicMatch last December, and were married in June '09. We thought it best that we spend as much time together, and under the guidance of our spiritual directors, I moved to his area to get to know one another before we got married --but not into cohabitation.

For me, it meant leaving behind the friendships and various other relationships I had in my past -- for him, it meant etching out time from his very busy schedule, and consequently surrendering some activities he previously enjoyed. If we were going to become one flesh on our marriage day, we needed to know (in a chaste way) what the other was really like.

In marriage, you have only one best friend here on earth--your spouse. The friendships that you have had up until then helped shape you into who you are, but they led to that moment of marital union, and then begin to diminish. I can truly say that my husband is my best friend, and we do everything together. There is no "my time" and "his time". We are a team--and we work, play, relax best together. If I didn't want to spend all my time with him, I would not have married him, and he will say the same about me. I am responsible for getting him to heaven, just as he is responsible for getting me there--and we cannot really do a very good job of that if we don't spend large amounts of time together.

A Catholic-Christian marriage is truly that two become one flesh. This is not only in the marital embrace, it is in all aspects of life. It is not being "clingy" or "demanding", it is being a spouse. It is part of "settling down". Does it mean that you have "no life"? NO! It means that you share a common life of love and mutual respect--a life lived in union with the other. "One flesh" cannot be divided for long before outside factors begin conquering it. That is not paranoia, it is common sense.


#8

It is an issue that troubles me (since we as a couple seem to be getting placed 2nd) but I am not going to ask him to dump his friends just like I wouldn’t want him to ask that of me. Although my fiancee only lives 2 miles away from me, we are busy with work and our lives and never have enough time to see each other during the week other than chatting on the phone.

I dont feel like his friend is a bad influence. My issue is with my fiancee’s priorities. I have discussed this with him and he says that his friendships need to be nurtured and he needs time with his friends - that’s fine- buy why does it have to be during our time? We don’t have mutual friends so this is an ongoing issue.


#9

If you were my sister, I'd tell you to find a guy who shares your opinions on friendships. This will NOT get better.

Many happy married Catholic men spend time with their guy buddies, just hanging out or hunting or playing golf or fishing or whatevering. It is not a flaw for the guy to want male bonding time.

Sounds like you need to find a guy who is more of a loaner.


#10

[quote="toothfairy, post:8, topic:182739"]
It is an issue that troubles me (since we as a couple seem to be getting placed 2nd) but I am not going to ask him to dump his friends just like I wouldn't want him to ask that of me. Although my fiancee only lives 2 miles away from me, we are busy with work and our lives and never have enough time to see each other during the week other than chatting on the phone.

I dont feel like his friend is a bad influence. My issue is with my fiancee's priorities. I have discussed this with him and he says that his friendships need to be nurtured and he needs time with his friends - that's fine- buy why does it have to be during our time? We don't have mutual friends so this is an ongoing issue.

[/quote]

I'm not sure I understand... it almost sounds like you INTEND to keep your friendships separate, unless you meet new friends as a couple. If that's the case, I see big problems ahead.

Do you not include each other's friends when you get together? Or are you/he excluded from gatherings that are for his / her friends?

I think you need to sit down and come to an agreement about what "our" time means--and "his" time and "her" time.


#11

In your OP you said he’s only done this once before. Done what? Gone on a trip with a friend? Gone skiing?

I agree it would be a problem if he was putting his friendships ahead of the relationships, but the facts you related don’t support this. If he spent the more time going on skiing and other such trips with his buddies than with you, then you’d be right. But his second trip? I think you are being very unreasonable.

My guess is that the real issue isn’t that he’s going skiing with his friend, but that you don’t spend enough time together. 2 miles and that’s it? Even if you don’t have a car, that is like a half an hour walk. I am guessing that since you work you both have cars though, why not eat dinner together at least?

Why are your lives so busy that you can’t find the time to make the 2 mile trip?


#12

How long have you been dating?

How many times has he done something with his friends instead of doing something with you?

When is your wedding date?

What is it that has you both so busy that you cannot spend any time together during the week?

Did you have anything planned for that weekend or was it open when he planned his trip?

What is your expectation of how your time will be spent after you are married?

Frankly, I think you are being totally unreasonable and irrational. I can’t believe you would have a problem with him doing something with his friends one weekend when he spends all the other weekends with you.

Why can’t he do it during the week? Uh, because people normally plan “weekend getaways” on, um, weekends.


#13

OMG this is a totally ridiculous statement.

He is doing something with his friend ONE time and all of a sudden “we as a couple” are getting “second place.”

Peronally if were him, I’d be rethinking this wedding plan if that’s how you are going to act.


#14

Our lives are busy with work 40+ hours and getting our errands done so we can free up our time on the weekends for each other by making dinner, spending time together, hanging out with each others family, planning a wedding, etc.

My point was that this is the second time (in a month) that he will be away (overnight) during what is usually ‘our’ special time. He surely didn’t do this before putting the ring on my finger a few months ago. So this whole concept of seperate time is all new to me.

We include each other when we visit friends. Of course I don’t blame him for not wanting to hang out with my friends who like to talk about girl things just like I dont get excited about watching a football marathon on tv all day. Our friends have nothing in common and we simply do not have any mutual friends yet. I know this is an issue longterm. Personally, I dont mind seeing my friends during the week so as to preserve ‘our’ time on the weekend since we go all week without seeing each other.

I just thought that successful marriages have more ‘our time’ than seperate ’ his/her time.’


#15

How long have you been happily married?


#16

[quote="toothfairy, post:14, topic:182739"]

I just thought that successful marriages have more 'our time' than seperate ' his/her time.'

[/quote]

They probably do, I would wait and see how he behaves in the future. 2 weekends out of many more other weekends is not more separate time. If the trend continues and he starts spending most time every month with friends rather then you, then you will have reason to worry.

Right now you are overreacting because it's only happened twice and you are already assuming that there will be more separate time than together time in the relationship.

Why not make a bigger effort to spend time together during the week? You say you talk on the phone? That time could be spent in person, since you're literally only a 5-10 minute drive away from each other.


#17

Maybe he’s making an effort to spend more time with his male friends before he’s married, because he knows that he’ll be spending his time with you afterwards?

Giving a guy who’s about to be married a good “send-off” is something that some guys do. (no, this has nothing to do with strip clubs.)

Of course they do, but you’re not married yet. Have you even talked to him about your concerns? And it does seem odd that you live just minutes away from each other, yet you find it impossible to see each other during the week at all. Honestly, that concerns me more than these 2 weekends do.


#18

Twice in a month would concern me too. I'd wonder if something is going on. To be frank I think once in awhile is fine, but honestly I'd like to share as much as possible with my husband. Now if he wanted to go watch the football game with the guys, I'd be like cool. But two weekends in a month are a bit much. But yes this totally could be a send off. I have to agree that you guys should make more of an effort to spend time together. Why can't you for example grocery shop together? Do some errands with each other etc.


#19

I think you should probably focus on integrating into each other’s lives instead of living separate lives and create this artificial “special time” that only takes place on weekends thereby creating (a) unrealistic expectations and (b) a skewed vision of what married life will be like.

That’s not how marriage works.

Perhaps if you did not put so much emphasis on creating some special, artificial “us zone” on weekends and instead saw each other during the week when you simply do whatever including laundry or whatever, there wouldn’t be this expectation that he cannot do anything with a friend on the weekends.

Nope. Successful marriages are based on mutual respect and individuals who are self-possessed and mature.

You will have more “our time” by virtue of living in the same house and combining your lives.

I don’t see him as wanting to have more “his” time just two specific instances where he was invited to do something he wanted to do. I think if you can’t handle that you have a real need to discuss what each of your expectations is.

I personally think you are being ridiculous. But, you know what, it’s who you are and if it’s important to you the key thing is that he is on the same page-- not what I think about it. If you have equal expectations about how you will spend your time, and you agree on this idea of “us time” all the time and such, then go for it. But, if he has different expectations, you need to know this. I would not say his expectations are right or wrong, just different than yours. He’s entitled to his own vision of what marriage should be like. You will only run into trouble if your expecatation/vision and his are different.


#20

[quote="bekalc, post:18, topic:182739"]
Twice in a month would concern me too. .

[/quote]

It's not "twice a month" it's twice, ever. At least that is my understanding from what the OP wrote.

To spend ALL his weekend time with his girlfriend for the duration of their relationship except for 2 weekends is, IMHO, heoric effort on his part.


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