Husband and wife both have jobs, husband and wife both make the money to buy their own car, each person buys one car and picks it themself based on what they can afford. Simples.
Marriages are a lot happier when one person isn’t seeing the other as the money machine for the family. It’s also very helpful to have that setup in case one person all of a sudden dies and the survivor still has bills to pay.
That doesn’t work either. That’s the other extreme. Even in a marriage where the husband didn’t invoke obedience you couldn’t do that. There are other factors to consider. Who will drive the car most of the time. Is your husband more knowledgable about cars in general. What’s the MPG/Insurance cost. Is it a good deal. etc. etc.
The scenario you brought up was one in which a husband ignores his wife’s expertise. In such a case, especially if it was an emergency, I feel that I would have a responsibility to act on my knowledge and skills. I didn’t say I would “do whatever I want.” I would expect my hypothetical husband to do the same if I was acting like a jagoff and he was the one who knew better, but that doesn’t mean I want to give him the final say in everything that affects my life.
Here’s the thing–a guy could think he was fulfilling his God-given duty of leading his household while actually making bad choices and hurting his wife. In fact, that’s exactly what my husband was doing. It’s not uncommon for husbands to be oblivious to problems at home, or to not understand how serious problems are.
And it’s not hard to imagine how this happens–he’s not at home all day living the life his wife is, so he doesn’t know where she is.
US SAHMs are more depressed than working moms (28% versus 17%–that’s over a quarter depressed), sadder (26% versus 16%), angrier (19% versus 14%), and more worried (41% to 34%). The “good” news is that SAHMs are not substantially more stressed than working moms–SAHMs are “only” 50% stressed whereas working moms are 48% stressed.
These are extremely serious numbers with a lot of implications for how long women are willing to be SAHMs, not to mention implications for the health of marriages and children’s welfare, and I can’t say that I’ve ever heard hard care submission type people really grapple with what they mean. People complain about small US family sizes without thinking about what conditions are like at home and how well mom is doing.
US SAHMs are not, as a group, a very mentally healthy group of people, and it’s going to have downstream effects on the well being of their families.
Edited to add: It wasn’t just that my husband was unhelpful when our youngest was a young toddler, but that he was actively trying to keep me from doing things to keep my head above water by making it hard for me to get out of the house and see other adult human beings. He could not see how isolated and lonely and stressed I was, and he did things to to make my isolation worse. And if he saw me falling apart, he didn’t recognize how badly off I was, and he didn’t think of it as his responsibility to help me figure out how to do better. I had to save me by putting Baby Girl in PDO one day a week.
There seems to be a fine line between submission and generous self-giving love. Last night, my husband wanted to go for a walk and look at Christmas lights. I didn’t want to go. It was cold, it was late, and I didn’t want to bundle up the kids. I tried to talk him out of it, but he was insistent. He knew I didn’t want to go, but he didn’t let up. So I went. Was that submission or self-giving? It was certainly the subjection of my own will to make him happy. But don’t we all do that in marriage, men and women alike? If we aren’t doing that sort of thing for our spouses, we should be.
Could that partly have to do with the fact that society increasingly places the value of the SAHM at nil? If SAHMs were valued highly as being the contributiors to society that they are then that would probably change slightly?
Yeah, but if that only goes one way then you are the one dying to your husband and not the other way around.
The Church teaches mutual submission for a reason. It’s untenable in a marriage for one person to submit all the time.
Why does it need to be the majority to be a serious problem?
I grew up in a home with a mother who could be very violent, right up into my mid-teens. She grew up in a very abusive home in various respects. I don’t talk about this in real life much at all, so anybody who knows me wouldn’t know that when I was a kid, my mom was breaking wooden spoons and spatulas on us kids, backhanding teen daughters, and literally using a horse whip on us. (And that, by the way, was one of the reasons why wifely submission to a husband didn’t sound terrible to me as a young bride–because all the inappropriate violence I experienced came from my mom and my dad’s presence was what kept us safe from her rages.)
If my husband decided to do things his way, despite my objections on a situation I had more expertise in, he would need to own up to the responsibility and “make things right” if his decision was a total flop. Same as I would do if the situation was reversed…like I mentioned earlier.
I can’t think of any instances where he would do this… I mean decisions where we’ve had a disagreement have always been in an area where one of us will finally say “okay, you really do have more knowledge/experience/more at stake…whatever, with this particular issue, so let’s go with your take on it”. Being that our names are on everything, save a couple of department store credit cards of mine, it’s not like he’s going to go list our house with a realtor or do something risky financially with our money without my agreement, so I honestly don’t see this happening in our marriage. Maybe we’re a rare couple in this world and if that’s the case, I’ll the more thankful for my marriage.
Well, if my wife stays at home minding the kids then I would consider that to be important work. Just because one person make all the money doesn’t mean the other person’s role is worthless. I know of couples where the wife spends extravagantly too, but it’s more out of lack of cummunication with the husband about what money is available to them. Neither my wife or myself would make a big financial commitment without consulting the other.
I also know one couple where the man makes all the money and the man also makes stupid financial decisions. And buys a lot of “status goods”.
Who is going to be driving that car the majority of the time? What’s the reason he wants X and she wants Y. Is X a safer vehicle? Is Y more practical for hauling the kids around in? Those things need to be taken into consideration. Who is benefiting/using/ dealing with the item/object/whatever the majority of the time?
I suppose so, but when somebody is overspending, it’s usually not on necessities.
I have seen a husband who went the other extreme and forced his wife and kids to live like they were in Iron Curtain Eastern Europe because he was afraid to spend a dollar. The poor wife was my mother’s good friend. She was so sad, she prayed every day to find some way out of the situation. One day she was praying at church and her husband dropped dead. I hate to say this, but it was a big relief for her.
I will never understand men who want their wives to use “various wiles to get good things out of him.” Why do people prefer to be managed and lied to, rather than communicate like adults? Why is that more respectful of the wife.
Of course, I don’t have much in the way of feminine wiles, and mine are mostly exhausted by dealing with Baby Girl.