how should I deal with this situation.


#1

I recently meet a girl on vacation that was traveling with her mother. She is very attractive and I think that I like her a great personality a great deal.

She wanted to go alone but her boyfriend told her to take her mother. I dont think things are working out very well with her boyfriend.

I think it was strange that I met them on the plan and that they ended up right next door to my room.

To make a long story short I ended up spending most of my vacation with them just for something to do. I even went shopping with this girl.

now that I know her I want to do something with her in a romantic way… I´m just not sure what to do. given the fact that she has a boryfriend


#2

There are a few other things I should say.

I´ve walked on the beach with this girl. I´ve had to refuse to buy her flowers (that people thought I would buy for her). I have had to resist buying a nice necklace for her.

Everyone thought I was married to this girl or something.

Basically, this whole situation was just painfull. I really liked her dispite the fact that she already has a nine year old son. she is also 28 so she knows what she is doing.

This just seems like a mockery of everything I want to do for a girl. This girl is so great she even gave money to a guy with one leg in mexico. I was impressed.

She ended up fighting with her mother (l could hear the fighting from my room and it was loud).

I tried my best to provide her with an objective outlook on the situation but I´m not sure what good it has done.

Anyway… I guess I´m just at a loss to know what to do with her. How can I move in and break up the relationship with her boyfriend?


#3

Why would you want to “move in” to start a relationship with a girl who has a boyfriend? If she is willing to spend all this time with you while she has a committment to another person, then you should expect that she would do the same were you the boyfriend.

If you are looking for a Catholic spouse, a person to assist you in attaining Heaven, then a girl who has shrill screaming matches with her mother at age 28, an out of wedlock child (or a divorce in her past), and a boyfriend she is willing to step out on with you does not sound like a prospect.


#4

[quote=kev7]Anyway… I guess I´m just at a loss to know what to do with her. How can I move in and break up the relationship with her boyfriend?
[/quote]

I think that’s the real question…How can you do that? How would you feel if you were dating someone and another came in and broke up your relationship - regardless of the quality of the relationship. I would suggest maybe telling this girl how you feel, but also telling her that you respect the fact that she is currently in a relationship and you won’t do anything because of that.

I would start with prayer and go from there.


#5

To me, until someone is engaged, they are fair game. It can’t hurt to ask. The worst that can happen is she tells you no.

Even if the answer is no because of a commitment with her boyfriend, you could wish her the best in her relationship, but let her know if the commitment ends for whatever reason, to look you up.


#6

[quote=qmvsimp]To me, until someone is engaged, they are fair game. It can’t hurt to ask. The worst that can happen is she tells you no.

Even if the answer is no because of a commitment with her boyfriend, you could wish her the best in her relationship, but let her know if the commitment ends for whatever reason, to look you up.
[/quote]

:rotfl: You sound like my mother. She always tells me that unless the girl has a ring on her finger, she’s fair game…


#7

Well… I´m glad I didn´t jump to conclusions about this girl and just prayed about the situation.

I have realized that I´m just going with my heart on this and trying to belive that God has a plan for me. I think that if this is Gods plan then things will work out provided I just continue to belive.

Anyway, I just can stop thinking about this girl. Dispite all her flaws. There was one time when I was walking on the beach with her and she started to tell me about the problems between her and her mother. It was at that time that she started crying and all I wanted to do was kiss her, but I didn´t.

I also had a chat with her mother and got both sides of the story. Her mother also told me that she recently converted and became a catholic. This shocked me and I was glad that I just stayed with it and had faith.

I want to do all kinds of great things for her. But she seems to be avoiding me a bit. I asked if she was mad at me but she told me that she just needed to relax.

I still haven´t told her that I like her because she is avoiding me. It just doesn´t seem right at the moment. I can only hope that God will give me another chance to tell her. I think she knows though and maybe that is why she is avoiding me. Anyway, I´ve only known this girl for a week now and I really care about her. I don´t even want to think about it anymore.

I am going to give her the copies of the pictures I took underwater when we went scuba diving . On the last one, the one of both of us I´m going to thank her for spending time with me on my vacation. I´m not sure what the last line will read though. Maybe, God bless you and your family. I want her to know that I like her so I plan to use the picture with of both of us.

I´m going to tell her mother to give her the pictures when our plane lands tomorrow. If she likes me she can call me and I´ll take her out someplace nice. I want her to have time to relax and think about everything. I think I just have to suck up the fact that I want to be around her tonight and do things with her.

Anyway, I just can help it … I like her alot for some reason and I don´t exactly know why.

What is even more strange is that we both took the same flights, the same bus to the hotel, and her room is right across from mine.


#8

What!?!? You obviously don’t care about anything other than what you want. She is committed to another person and you have no right to try to step in and break that up. It doesn’t matter whether or not you think her relationship with her boyfriend is going well or not. You have to respect other people. And in this case it’s her boyfriend. If you had a girlfriend I don’t think you’d like other guys trying to break-up your relationship. Someone is not “fair game” just because they are not married. With that kind of attitude someone is basically saying I am looking out for myself and if it makes me happy then I’ll do it regardless of how it hurts another person. Why don’t you ask her, “Can I try to break-up your relationship with your boyfriend?” I don’t think you would because of what she’d think of you.


#9

[quote=tkdnick]:rotfl: You sound like my mother. She always tells me that unless the girl has a ring on her finger, she’s fair game…
[/quote]

:wink:


#10

Let’s not start judging. “I think you’re being selfish.” A better way to put it would be, “Are you doing this for the right reason?”. If the relationship is damaging the girl, try and help her. She says the relationship with her boyfriend is not working well. Ask her if you can offer her some advice. But don’t take advantage of her trust. If the relationship is damaging her, help her realize that. But if you only want her for yourself, then by no means should you try and break it up. To do so would be very selfish, and if anyone ever did that to me (I don’t have a girlfriend yet but if I did), it’d ruin my life.

1ke, I don’t like what I just read. You have no way of knowing anything about the girl. Just because she made a mistake doesn’t mean she can’t be a very sweet and righteous girl. After nine years you have plenty of time to repent. Most people have a time in their lives where they might not be the best Catholics, or even not Catholic at all. This girl may be no different; she just has a souveneir. If you don’t believe that, you can drive to New York and meet one of our sopranoes, and her kid’s only a few years old.

I occasionally get into arguments with my dad as well. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does… :eek:


#11

[quote=Mt19:26]What!?!? You obviously don’t care about anything other than what you want. She is committed to another person and you have no right to try to step in and break that up. It doesn’t matter whether or not you think her relationship with her boyfriend is going well or not. You have to respect other people. And in this case it’s her boyfriend. If you had a girlfriend I don’t think you’d like other guys trying to break-up your relationship. Someone is not “fair game” just because they are not married. With that kind of attitude someone is basically saying I am looking out for myself and if it makes me happy then I’ll do it regardless of how it hurts another person. Why don’t you ask her, “Can I try to break-up your relationship with your boyfriend?” I don’t think you would because of what she’d think of you.
[/quote]

I wasn´t askin how I could break up the relationship was asking a question to point out how wrong it was. I know damn well that it would be wrong to do such a thing.

I forgot to mention that her mother told me under the table that she broke up with her boyfriend (who is catholic ) two weeks before she even came on the trip. The girl only told me that she was trying to leave him. The problem is that this guy just won´t let her be. He is very rich and buys her everything… He doesn´t however spend hardly any time with her. His family (who is catholic) won´t accept her because she has a child.

Regardless, I think it is everyone has a right to select a person they want. Even if it means leaving the person you are with because they are treating you like ****. Don´t forget there is nobody in this situation who is married.

I also want to make it clear that I´m being very respectfull about this situation. I´m not being intrusive at all. I´m just trying to deal with my feeling about her. I´m just showing that I care about her and her mother. It will be up to her to show interest on her own time.


#12

[quote=tkdnick]:rotfl: You sound like my mother. She always tells me that unless the girl has a ring on her finger, she’s fair game…
[/quote]

That’s right. A gentleman may ask, and a lady may say no.

If the gentleman’s asking is enough to cause a problem between her and her boyfriend, then really there was a problem already and this just thankfully brought it to the surface – especially for her boyfriend’s benefit.

If you, after spending a few days with her, are worth her risking her situations with the other boyfriend, you have done him a favor by letting him know how committed she is to him.

No, I’m not saying actively go in and try to break up someone, and especially there is a whole different set of rules when the other guy is a friend of yours. I’m just saying that if she is supposedly spoken for, she can either tell you straight up or decide she isn’t so taken after all.

Alan


#13

some good advice would be appreciated.


#14

What kind of advice are you looking for really Kevin? It sounds more to me that you could be the one giving out advice on this subject. Follow your heart, and as long as it’s inline with Gods-you’ll end up happy in the end. The in between may always be tough, but it’s worth it, right?


#15

[quote=tossolul]What kind of advice are you looking for really Kevin? It sounds more to me that you could be the one giving out advice on this subject. Follow your heart, and as long as it’s inline with Gods-you’ll end up happy in the end. The in between may always be tough, but it’s worth it, right?
[/quote]

It is just very painfull to resist your feelings for someone out of respect for their current relationship.


#16

I wish I had a younger sister to fix you up with. You sound like a “great catch”. :wink: I wish you the best. I’ll include your intentions with my family’s prayers. God Bless.


#17

[quote=1ke]Why would you want to “move in” to start a relationship with a girl who has a boyfriend? If she is willing to spend all this time with you while she has a committment to another person, then you should expect that she would do the same were you the boyfriend.

[left]If you are looking for a Catholic spouse, a person to assist you in attaining Heaven, then a girl who has shrill screaming matches with her mother at age 28, an out of wedlock child (or a divorce in her past), and a boyfriend she is willing to step out on with you does not sound like a prospect.
[/quote]

[/left]
I totally agree!

:yup: :yup: :thumbsup: :yup: :yup:


#18

[quote=kev7]some good advice would be appreciated.
[/quote]

How about:

[quote=Luke 10:25-28]There was a scholar of the law who stood up to test him and said, “Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

Jesus said to him, “What is written in the law? How do you read it?”

He said in reply, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your being, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”

He replied to him, “You have answered correctly; do this and you will live.”
[/quote]

Advice doesn’t get much better than that! :slight_smile:

Alan


#19

[quote=kev7]It is just very painfull to resist your feelings for someone out of respect for their current relationship.
[/quote]

But would you use that excuse for the guy who could come along when you’re the boyfriend? “It was painful for him to resist his feelings for my girlfriend, so I understand.” Hey, we all meet really neat people sometimes. Sometimes really, really neat people and we think - ‘what if’. What if I had been the guy to meet her first? What if she broke off her relationship for me? What if I try and break up her relationship? The problem is, right now it sounds like a bunch of those what if’s.

Pray about it! I find that it helps when we need a little direction.


#20

The only advice you need is to be as honest and as forthright as you can be. The girl needs to let you know what her real situation is with her boyfriend, and IF she is already as a crossroads in their relationship you may want to let her know how you feel about her. If she is really through with her boyfriend that is one thing, but if she is still in a realationship or if she is ambivialent that is something else.

Remember there is also the question of the 9 year old son’s father. Is he still in the picture OR is he the son of the former boyfriend. How do you or how will you get along with her son ? Does the son have visiting rights with his father ?

The girl may have a problem keeping a relationship going. What is it that happened with the boys father ? Was she married to him before, if she was, now you have the problem of her having to get an annulment through the Church.

There are a host of problems with this potential relationship, all of which you have to have answers for if you are to even consider making it last.

It is going to take a lot of patience and a lot of hard work on both your parts to make this thing work. SO far you sound like you may be willing to put the effort into making it happen, but you need the girl (and probably her son) to have the same commitment and energy and patience to even get it off the ground.

My guess is that the girl probably has a few similar feelings towards you also as she spent some time with you on the vacation (otherwise she would have just told you to get lost. Most people do not strike up a relationship with perfect strangers)

You need to get into very serious discussions with the girl, and find out how she really feels, and find out if you even have a chance to make work. Plus the discusion have to ongoing and consistent. The key to any successful relationship is communications.

IF she can not speak to you now, or she can not determine for certain, how she feels about you or her boyfriend then you are sunk from the start.

It may be that she is the type of person who has problems making long term commitments. It takes two to make a relationship last, so far you only have one.

IF I were in your position I would look elsewhere, but if you do move forward with this, be very careful and make very sure the girl feels as committed to making the relationship last and permanent as you do.

Down the road if she is later ambivalent towards you, she may take up with yet another guy, as she may with you. Afterall she has already left one guy with whom she had a son, and now she is looking to leave another one.

wc


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