How should this relationship problem be approached?


#1

I was in a relationship with a boyfriend for about four years. I loved him because he is really caring and has higher morals than most boys.

He had some problems from his past and gradually became distant from me. I saw him the same amount, but he would reject hugs and prefer to watch TV when I went round his. I started going off him and after a couple of years, I told him I wanted to break up.

I am currently with another boy, who I get a lont with well. He is religious (not Catholic), so understands my views and that I want to save sexual activity for marriage, but he has such little self control. I get fed up of having to push him away and tell him off. He is trying though, but it's irritating me more and more. Also, due to his religion, unless he converts or allow me to raise my children Catholic (he's not a Christian) I don't see how a marriage would work.

However, he lives so close to me and is at my university. He can give me the support I need and I life would be so difficult if we break up. I'm not sure if I'm with him for the wrong reasons because my views on love have changed a lot since all this.

I have started talking to my first boyfriend again. He doesn't know about my current one. I didn't tell him because I don't know if he'll cope. My new reason for not telling him is because I believe I might be with him again some day and I don't want him to lose hope on us.

I know this all seems really selfish and is tottally against my moral views, but I'm in this situation now. I can't stop seeing my current boyfriend. Even if I did, I'll have no one. My previous boyfriend lives an hour away and we're both students. Since I went to a boarding school, everyone I know lives so far away, and my current boyfriend is the only reason why I'm not depressed.

My previous boyfriend is an Agnostic with very Christian morals. He is anti-abortion and so selfless that he will do anything for others. He doesn't think that God exists though, because he doesn't understand why a murderer should be able to enter Heaven a long with people who have had more moral lives.

Sorry if this isn't very clear, but I will try to explain it better if there is something unclarified. I am seeking an opinion from people on here because views will have more moral than those on a secular website. I don't mind if an atheist answers this question by the way.

Thank you for reading all this. I know it seems silly, but It's getting me down. I am praying the rosary for it over Holy Week, but not all prayers are answered and I have to take action myself.


#2

If you are asking what you should do, I think that if your current boyfriend lacks the self-control necessary to maintain a chaste relationship, and if you are staying in a relationship with him because you are afraid to be alone, then you should break up with him.

As for your ex boyfriend, you mentioned that he distanced himself from you. I'm not sure why you started talking again, but if you think you might get back together with him someday, how do you think he is going to feel when he finds out you have been keeping your current relationship from him? And if he is the one who pushed you away, what makes you think he would be so bothered by it?

You seem to be using your current boyfriend. Keeping someone around because otherwise you would be lonely and depressed is not a good reason to stay in a relationship and is not fair to the other person.


#3

If you are asking what to do I have a very simple answer. Dump your present boyfriend, leave alone your past boyfriend, and try to live by yourself for 6 months without any boyfriends. I think that your idea of boyfriends and relationships is too utilitarian, you need to spend sometime just with yourself and see what you really want from life instead of what you can get out of a boyfriend.


#4

The purpose of dating is to discern marriage. You have already discerned that he is not marriage material. Nor does he respect you, since he pushes himself on you sexually.

This sounds like a “relationship” that needs to end.

This is not a reason to date someone.

Sounds like maybe you have some issues you need to work on yourself before you are ready to date anyone.

It is wrong to deceive this person and lead them on.

Uh, yeah.

Yes, you can.

Waaa.

Really, this is a problem you need to fix. It’s about you, not them. If you really think you have to be with someone unsuitable in order to not be alone, this is a very big red flag that you need some counseling.

Stand on your own two feet. You do not “need” a boyfriend.

Then you need to see a counselor.

So it sounds like neither your current nor former boyfriends are suitable partners for a Catholic woman wanting a faith-filled husband.

Go see a counselor, get yourself straightened out, and maybe in a few years you will be ready for a real, mature relationship.


#5

It is not fair of you to use other people as crutches because you are afraid of been alone. It does not sound like you love either of these boys rather it seems you are with them simply because you are afraid of been alone.

I would advise you to spend some time single so that you can learn to truly love yourself and gain the confidence you need to be able to cope with life without feeling the need to be in a relationship with a boy.

Only when you are comfortable been single will you be able to start making good choices regarding marriage in my experience.


#6

Sorry, I didn’t mention that I do love my current boyfriend and that I’m not just using him. I love spending time with him.


#7

Cristiano has the right idea. Only thing I would add is to find a monastery or (preferably) convent and make a retreat…maybe over a weekend, maybe for a week if you can take off from school. Ask for counselling from one of the monks or sisters, and try to follow their advice. The setting -away for awhile- from the “world” offers a special perspective for good and deep thinking. Your parish or diocese will have info on retreat sites.

God bless you! Peace be with you!


#8

If he can’t keep his hands to himself maybe you shouldn’t!


#9

[quote="JamestheOlder, post:7, topic:236680"]
Cristiano has the right idea. Only thing I would add is to find a monastery or (preferably) convent and make a retreat....maybe over a weekend, maybe for a week if you can take off from school. Ask for counselling from one of the monks or sisters, and try to follow their advice. The setting -away for awhile- from the "world" offers a special perspective for good and deep thinking. Your parish or diocese will have info on retreat sites.

God bless you! Peace be with you!

[/quote]

That sounds like a really good idea. My mum was suggesting I go on a retreat on day and I am off university until September.

I'm not very confident though. What is it like to go on a retreat (assuming someone reading this thread knows).


#10

I have to agree with what other posters said. Your past boyfriend is in your past for a reason and I don't think it is right to not tell him about your current relationship. You even admit this yourself. Your current boyfriend is too pushy and like another poster said you don't see him as marriage material. You need to spend some time being single like others suggested. If you do not have friends, try to make some with strong Catholic women. If depression exists, see a counselor to fix things and maybe try some medicine if needed.

Lastly, I have been reading some really great books about dating. They are convicting me more about what I already believed about relationships. I would recommend How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind and How to find you soul-mate without losing your soul.

The purpose of marriage is to get your spouse to heaven and for them to help you get to heaven. When you are ready to date, you need to find a strong catholic who believes in purity and chastity and who can help you get to heaven. It sounds like neither of these two guys in your life would be capable of that. Will be praying for you.

oops forgot to add about retreats. There are many different kinds, but overall, they help you to focus your life on your relationship with Christ. After leaving retreat, you are typically on retreat high in which you feel more at peace with life and feel much closer to God. The trick is maintaining this sense and at the same time realizing that faith is not about a feeling. At least this is from my point of review.


#11

Dear Sister,

You already know what you need to do, even if you are afraid to do it. Not being alone is no reason to keep a relationship. Dating someone who is not marriage material is very unwise. You are worth more than this. And no man is going to make you whole. Only Christ can do that. Ask Him for the grace to learn to get along by yourself until you are whole and not expecting some guy to fill a void. Ask Him for solid friendships with other women, and seek them out.

Remember - the kind of man you will attract while you "have to have a man" is not the kind you want to spend your life with. When you get healthy you will attract a healthy and worthy mate. That'll be the guy you want to marry. :thumbsup:

Take courage, girl. In time you'll look and be so grateful that you did.

Peace of Christ,

mary


#12

Thank you very much for all your replies. I do agree with what is being said.

However, I'm not scared of being single. I'm more scared of breaking up with my boyfriend and regretting it, or him never speaking to me again.

Sorry this isn't a very long reply.

I've had a brief look into retreats and they seem quite expensive, but there's an open day for one on 2nd May, so I might have a look around.


#13

OP, let me see if I understand. You're with Current Boyfriend (CB), not because you see a future with this man, but because he attends the same university you do and your life would be hard if you end things. This even though that he tries to push your sexual boundaries over your objections.

On top of this, you ended a relationship with your Past Boyfriend (PB), but you re-established contact with him without telling him about CB because you thought you might be with him again and you want him to keep hope alive.

Boyfriends aren't the same thing as insurance policies. You don't have one for your piece of mind, and you certainly don't take out an extra one for additional coverage or in case your first one falls through.

More than a boyfriend, I think you need counseling to help you understand why folks enter into romantic relationships, learn healthy relationship behavior, and learn to get out - and stay out - of relationships you deem not right for you. Until you get this stuff sorted out, you're going to continue to exhibit and deal with truly maladaptive relationship behavior.


#14

If you’re already fantasizing about him being your next boyfriend, this isn’t fair to your current boyfriend. If you’re already thinking of your potential next relationship, the current one needs to end.


#15

You are using other people to prop yourself up. Start a serious relationship with Jesus, make him the focus of your love and He will help you get yourself together, girl. Men are not crutches or pawns to be used. Other posters have recommended that you need counseling and I agree. You are not strong in your own sense of self, therefore you are not ready to be part of a couple. If you are still in college, slow down and get your own personal issues clarified. You will become a much more well rounded person and also much less needy. YOu have a long life ahead of you, God willing. Plenty of time for romance if you discern that God is calling you to marriage as a vocation.


#16

There may be “scheduled” retreats where an up-front offering is asked. You probably do NOT need this type of retreat, which is usually focused on a single subject.

If you have a Trappist or Benedictine Monastery close by, or a Benedictine Convent, call them directly and ask if you can visit them…better if you go for a few days if you can afford the time. Tell them up front that you have some situations on which you need advice and guidance, and ask if you should speak to some specific nun or monk for this advice. All three types of monasteries accept individuals as “temp” residents for usually no more than what you wish to give as an offering.

Go, please, and ask for help. The peace you will experience there will be worth whatever effort you have to make to go.

Please go. And God be with you! Peace!


#17

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