How to adjust for others


#1

I find myself being beaten about the head, proverbially, by a fact that most people learn in their late teens and early twenties. I am thirty six and learning it only now. This lack is because I wasn’t getting the medicine I need, which I am now taking. I may need more than one medicine. I also had never dealt with some problems from early childhood. But the awareness that people in my life have hurts and needs at least as great as my own is something I never took notice of before.Its a new concept to me. Any advice on how to implement the obvious, that I am sadly, yet hopefully, learning now. Better late than never, I guess. Case in point: My wife got sick and disabled in 2006. I had, until very recently, thought mostly about how hard this made my life. While this is a valid assessment, my personality flaws blinded me to the fact that its even harder for my wife. After all, she is the disabled one. There are more of these situations in my life and social circle. Advice?


#2

Well you only learn things when you learn them. It's not like there is something you could have done differently to learn it earlier. I say don't beat yourself up over it, although I should follow my own advice, I find myself doing just that from time to time.

We are all works in progress!


#3

You sound okay to me. My husband is on disability also, and it is hard personally as well as for your spouse, and you can only deal with each day as it comes, just trying each "today" as it comes, to be kind and attentive in helpful ways, and any time you fail, (because you're a person too, and you get tired and discouraged sometimes so won't always be perfect) but if you fail one time or a few times each day, just try again, without battering yourself.

God bless you,

Trishie.

I'll remember you and your wife at Mass in the morning.

Selfishness, as a measure of giving

My selfishness and personal consciousness gives me a great gift. With its desires and attachments, it teaches me how much caring and blessing I desire for myself, and therefore, I better understand others' needs.. I desire all good, no less for the others in my life than I would desire for myself.

That's another way of learning how to love others as myself as Jesus commands!!!


#4

[quote="traillius, post:1, topic:189956"]
I find myself being beaten about the head, proverbially, by a fact that most people learn in their late teens and early twenties. I am thirty six and learning it only now. This lack is because I wasn't getting the medicine I need, which I am now taking. I may need more than one medicine. I also had never dealt with some problems from early childhood. But the awareness that people in my life have hurts and needs at least as great as my own is something I never took notice of before.Its a new concept to me. Any advice on how to implement the obvious, that I am sadly, yet hopefully, learning now. Better late than never, I guess. Case in point: My wife got sick and disabled in 2006. I had, until very recently, thought mostly about how hard this made my life. While this is a valid assessment, my personality flaws blinded me to the fact that its even harder for my wife. After all, she is the disabled one. There are more of these situations in my life and social circle. Advice?

[/quote]

I'm very curious what medicine you're taking, and what you're taking it for. I wasn't aware that there was medicine that could make someone empathetic. I would really like to know this, so if you don't want to say it in the public thread, would you mind PM'ing me?

I guess my advice would be to do nice things for your wife to make it easier for her to cope with her disability.

I struggle with this myself, to an extent. I don't think I have problems with empathy because I score high on empathy/EQ tests. But at the same time, when I take Asperger's screening test I score much higher than the average (and I think something like twice the female average), but never high enough to wonder if I might have Asperger's.

There is definitely something off about me, and I've always felt it. I would call myself very introverted, because I generally prefer solitary activities and work activities to time with people.

For a time when I was a teen I very seriously wondered if other people were real at all, rather than constructions of my own mind like a dream. I spent quite a bit of time trying to see if I could prove that other people existed.

Still, I cry in movies from time to time, so I must have feelings. :D


#5

Late teens and early twenties?! I learnt this a lot earlier…
(I am not saying that it makes you a bad person, I’m more wondering at the people who have no medical reason to lack empathy but don’t discover it till then…)

Anyway, I don’t know how helpful this is, and I recognise it must be difficult to have a partner with a disability, but the only real thing I need to provoke empathy is the idea of putting myself in their shoes, complete with emotions, thoughts etc - how would she feel if I did this? And it works for just about anyone in any situation. But if you have problems experiencing much emotion even for yourself, that may be hard.

I am assuming you’re a Catholic on here, and even as an Atheist I would reccommend the New Testament and Jesus’ teachings, because he appears to me one of the most selfless figures in history.


#6

Don't beat yourself up over this - my 8-yr old daughter 'teaches' me things all the time by her generousness and selflessness towards others (to the point of making me tearful with joy), and I'm in my mid-40's. Sadly, some people never learn to be selfless. Even more sad is that this is what Christ calls us to and most refuse, because when accepted and lived with joy, can bring tremendous happiness and freedom to ones life, and ultimately will bring a level of humility and tenderness to ones relationships with others, and concern for their spiritual well-being, in a charitable way.


#7

I didn't lack the ability to empathize. I lacked the focus, concentration, and motivation to unleash it publically, and consistently. I am on ADD medicine. I may soon be on medicine for anxiety. I also until recently was pretty much in denial over more than one * personal and intimate * childhood trauma, involving someone else's indiscretion, if you take my meaning. These things made it hard to pay attention to other people's problems, in an effective way.


#8

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