How to allow a man to lead?


#1

Ok, hopefully this won't get to heated but here is my question as a woman. How can a women allow a man to lead when .....(how to put this delicately)......hhhhmmmm..... Ok, I will say it like it is

How can I let a man lead when I think he is less competent than me. OK I said it but before anyone shoots me please here me out.

Example 1-) I went to my parents for Christmas. I am the only on who drinks perked coffee because both my parents prefer instant. So I was using the big coffee pot when my dad (with the best of intentions) pulled out a machine that makes one cup at a time. I used it to be polite but to be honest it was a pain because I could not make 2 cups at a time (yes I drink a lot of coffee). All I could think is 'thank God this is only a couple of times a year'

Example 2-) I was on a tour in Europe and having trouble accessing my cash. The tour guide tried to help me by making phone calls and emails for me. This poor man could not understand banking instruction for the world of him and was messing things up left right and center. How do I politely tell him 'I can handle this myself'

Example 3-) I had a male friend over and I had to hand wash some sweaters. He offered to help me (which was nice). He put way too much soap in the sink and then was stuck rinsing the sweaters forever. I was concerned he would bet fed up and just leave the soap in the sweaters and hand them to dry. How do I tell a man who has just offered to do some housework 'Don't use to much soap' without sounding ungrateful?

Example 4-) Men have commented when I have lost weight. The first thing I hear is 'If you put the weight back on you are a looser' (yes I was a fat child). How do I tell a man who in his mind has just given me a compliment 'Don't talk about my weight'

So in a nutshell, how does a woman allow a man to lead with out having things messed up?

Thanks

CM


#2

I find that the call to let a man lead is often misunderstood by many women.

See, men are creatd by God to be the head of a household. I don't know if you're married, but I am. I can tell you I thought my hubby was the most humble man in the world until we got married. He NEEDS to feel that he is in charge, and his ego is very easily bruised. I am SO PROUD of him for this. However, part of being a leader means defering to others when knowledge isn't all there. My husband and I BOTH know that I will be in charge of religious instruction with our kids because I am far more knowledgeable than he is. I know I will teach the kids to cook, clean, and care for animals. I know that my husband will instruct our kids on matter related to maintenance and construction because he knows more, and teach our boys to be men of God. The important thing is that he is the head of the household and has the final say in everything. I run everything by him, and the buck literally stops with him. I love him as my husband and leader and I serve him as his wife. He loves me as Christ loves his church, and sacrifices and serves me.

Honestly, if a man isn't your husband you are under no obligation to let him lead you unless he is a priest. Until you are married, you are led solely by God. When you are married, you are lead by your husband and God, and your husband is to be an extension of the leadership of God.

If men are doing things wrong in your house, you can always politely instruct them. If you are uncomfortable with men mentioning your weight, you can say something. (although I personally love it when people notice I am losing weight. It helps to keep my motivation up!)


#3

Umm, I don't know if anyone's noticed but Catholics are under no obligation to interpret scripture literally. A marriage is a partnership of equals. You don't need a man to lead you, you need a team-mate. Please don't go and call me radical and liberal and all those sorts of things. I'm a theology student at a central (neither overly liberal nor conservative) Catholic school and all the theologians there would balk at the idea that a wife ought to submit to her husband.


#4

You only have to submit to your husband. Not all males.

Just find a man that you think would make a good leader. Preferably someone at least a little bit smarter than you.


#5

[quote="cmscms, post:1, topic:225213"]
Ok, So in a nutshell, how does a woman allow a man to lead with out having things messed up?

Thanks

CM

[/quote]

this advice applies to anyone who is clueless (in your estimation), man or woman. in the first instance, don't look for insult, criticism or evidence of mental incapacity where none exists or is intended. Accept charity when it is given with thanks. Your dad went out of his way to find something he thought met your specific needs, something only you would use, and you chose to be offended and annoyed. and so forth. Changing your own attitude will do wonders to free you from such uncomfortable feelings.


#6

This is a loaded question. This is a very complex subject.

Only a husband has the authority, but a woman can play into the dynamics with any man. She does not need to do this. Male leadership is not about doing something for a woman over her discomfort. If he expects that she will take a back seat while he does something, that is not leadership. He is not clued in when he takes over a task that she is doing.

I would advise saying "Thank you for your generosity, but I have things under control"

A complement with a "butt out" often works. In marriage, the answer is much more complex but this simple response works there too.


#7

I don't think you have to allow the man to lead.


#8

[quote="cmscms, post:1, topic:225213"]
Ok, hopefully this won't get to heated but here is my question as a woman. How can a women allow a man to lead when .....(how to put this delicately)......hhhhmmmm..... Ok, I will say it like it is

How can I let a man lead when I think he is less competent than me. OK I said it but before anyone shoots me please here me out.

Example 1-) I went to my parents for Christmas. I am the only on who drinks perked coffee because both my parents prefer instant. So I was using the big coffee pot when my dad (with the best of intentions) pulled out a machine that makes one cup at a time. I used it to be polite but to be honest it was a pain because I could not make 2 cups at a time (yes I drink a lot of coffee). All I could think is 'thank God this is only a couple of times a year'

Example 2-) I was on a tour in Europe and having trouble accessing my cash. The tour guide tried to help me by making phone calls and emails for me. This poor man could not understand banking instruction for the world of him and was messing things up left right and center. How do I politely tell him 'I can handle this myself'

Example 3-) I had a male friend over and I had to hand wash some sweaters. He offered to help me (which was nice). He put way too much soap in the sink and then was stuck rinsing the sweaters forever. I was concerned he would bet fed up and just leave the soap in the sweaters and hand them to dry. How do I tell a man who has just offered to do some housework 'Don't use to much soap' without sounding ungrateful?

Example 4-) Men have commented when I have lost weight. The first thing I hear is 'If you put the weight back on you are a looser' (yes I was a fat child). How do I tell a man who in his mind has just given me a compliment 'Don't talk about my weight'

So in a nutshell, how does a woman allow a man to lead with out having things messed up?

Thanks

CM

[/quote]

Example 1) "Thanks, Dad! This makes great-tasting coffee, but I need more than one cup ready to go at a time. Can I just use the big coffee pot instead?"

Example 2) "I know you are trying to do your job and help me, but I think having too many people involved is making things more complicated. I will do what I can and if I need more help, I will ask."

Example 3) Do not ask a male to help you hand wash sweaters. Period. If he offers, refuse. Put the washing away while he is there. Washing a sweater is not entertainment, it's a huge chore and a PITA.

Example 4) "I am working very hard to keep the weight off, I feel so much healthier at this current weight, thanks!"

People are actually trying to be helpful and yes, some of them are clumsy. Be grateful you have the family relationships you have, grateful you can travel to Europe, that you have a male friend who likes you enough to offer to hand wash a sweater (!) and that you have been able to lose weight and that people notice, in whatever way they do. Maybe they'd be nicer, maybe they are not trying to be rude, or maybe they are. It's the way you see these things that turns them into problems.


#9

[quote="AdriannaJean, post:3, topic:225213"]
Umm, I don't know if anyone's noticed but Catholics are under no obligation to interpret scripture literally. A marriage is a partnership of equals. You don't need a man to lead you, you need a team-mate. Please don't go and call me radical and liberal and all those sorts of things. I'm a theology student at a central (neither overly liberal nor conservative) Catholic school and all the theologians there would balk at the idea that a wife ought to submit to her husband.

[/quote]

(CCC) 116 The literal sense is the meaning conveyed by the words of Scripture and discovered by exegesis, following the rules of sound interpretation: "All other senses of Sacred Scripture are based on the literal."

Perhaps the theologians at your school need to study their faith. If your married, the husband is the head of the household. God's Kingdom, as the Church is not a democracy. Nor is the domestic Church, the family. You MUST have leadership.

Feminism, sadly, has polluted the minds of so many of the young women in our day and age. This contributes to the high divorce rate. Be submissive as your called to be.


#10

We don't accept the protestant view of submission. I find that so much is told to women and nothing is told to men. The men are told in the Bible to love the wife. A man that holds that submission verse over a woman does not understand the gospel. It isn't a child/ parent relationship. Christ laid down his life for His Church. Just because he is the leader in the home doesn't mean the wife has to do everything he says. Any man that would just decide what was to happen in the family without his wife's approval should go back to verse that says we should submit to one another. Throw the calvinism out folks!

Before the protestant revolt men and women would come into the church together. The father would not give the daughter away because the two came into the marriage as equals.You had to come freely. It is still done in the Eastern Churches.

I think the better verses to read for marriage are from I Corinthians 13. Love is patient, kind etc.

I know a deacon who does alot of work with both prisoners and families. He said the biggest problem to day is that men have not stepped up to the plate. The prisoners for the most part do not have a strong loving father.


#11

[quote="MrsMW, post:10, topic:225213"]
We don't accept the protestant view of submission. I find that so much is told to women and nothing is told to men. The men are told in the Bible to love the wife. A man that holds that submission verse over a woman does not understand the gospel. It isn't a child/ parent relationship. Christ laid down his life for His Church. Just because he is the leader in the home doesn't mean the wife has to do everything he says. Any man that would just decide what was to happen in the family without his wife's approval should go back to verse that says we should submit to one another. Throw the calvinism out folks!

[/quote]

Now I am confused, because I first read Ephesians 5:24 before I read Ephesians 5:25. Please explain. Doesn't the necessity of needing a wife's approval equate with her having VETO power which results in her being the de facto Head of the Family? Then there is the word "everything." What does this mean?


#12

DH and I are equal partners. We see eye to eye on most issues and defer to the one who is the expert and/or cares more about the subject.


#13

[quote="RLWM, post:12, topic:225213"]
DH and I are equal partners. We see eye to eye on most issues and defer to the one who is the expert and/or cares more about the subject.

[/quote]

You summed it up! My husband is a CPA and he does the money. Not because he is the man but because he is good at it! I handle other things that I am better at. It works much better that way.


#14

No one said he isn’t the head of the house. My problem is with putting this verse over all the others. More is said in how we treat each other than anything else. Making mutual descions that work best for everyone in the family is the way to do it.

We are Catholic and we don’t put one verse over the other. I question anyone who holds that verse over anyone’s head.


#15

A marriage of equals doesn't sound like much fun at all. Authority is sexy.


#16

Mutual respect sounds much sexier to me. A strong man who listens to his wife isn't a pushover he is smart. Oh and before anyone says what about the women..... Yes It goes both ways.


#17

[quote="puzzleannie, post:5, topic:225213"]
this advice applies to anyone who is clueless (in your estimation), man or woman. in the first instance, don't look for insult, criticism or evidence of mental incapacity where none exists or is intended. Accept charity when it is given with thanks. Your dad went out of his way to find something he thought met your specific needs, something only you would use, and you chose to be offended and annoyed. and so forth. Changing your own attitude will do wonders to free you from such uncomfortable feelings.

[/quote]

Amen, puzzleannie. (As usual.)


#18

[quote="AdriannaJean, post:3, topic:225213"]
Umm, I don't know if anyone's noticed but Catholics are under no obligation to interpret scripture literally. A marriage is a partnership of equals. You don't need a man to lead you, you need a team-mate. Please don't go and call me radical and liberal and all those sorts of things. I'm a theology student at a central (neither overly liberal nor conservative) Catholic school and all the theologians there would balk at the idea that a wife ought to submit to her husband.

[/quote]

This.

The way some people discuss 'submission' and male as 'head of household' on this site, you'd think we live in the 4th century or something. Partnership of equals is probably the best way to put it. Any relationship will have things one person is better at than the other (cooking, laundry, construction, sports, etc). A marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.


#19

Amen to that! I here this stuff and people sound like the Calvinism I left behind! NO that does not make me some radical feminist!


#20

As the others have said, you are under no obligation to allow any man other than your husband (or father) lead. As for letting the husband lead, you shouldn't worry as long as you choose a man who is smarter and more level-headed than you are. If he is not, and you let him lead, he will lead you and your children off course. There is nothing worse than standing by, "humbly" letting hubby lead the family into Hell, or financial ruin, or whatever, when you know better.


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