Hi everyone, I am new here. I have been reading here for a while and decided that CAF is probably the best place to get feedback. This is kind of lengthy so please bear with me…
Growing up, I always thought that I would go to college, meet a husband, and get married.
Well, as the saying goes, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. Well, due to some family stuff, I did spend some time helping my siblings through school (not financially but in other ways), so down the road, everyone is grown up, and I had fewer familial obligations. I was working, going to Mass almost daily, online on a few different Catholic singles sites, had a great group of friends. Life seemed to be great!
My friends and I supported other through singlehood and all the ups and downs of meeting good Catholic guys, online and in our social circles. And we all pledged to pray for each other, and one by one, they all got married, and I did not. I decided perhaps God might want me to do something else, at least “for now”, and I ended up starting my own business (ironically, I make wedding favors, and I am quite talented in an area in which I will never personally benefit).
I took a payout from my job in order to move with my cousin (my roommate) to another state where one of her siblings lives, because we don’t have much family left where we grew up and wanted to be near some of the family with children. She sold her house and was able to buy a house for cash here in the state in which we now live. So I have few living expenses, and I will not be homeless, so this takes me to the next part of my question.
I know all of the following is my own fault so please spare me a lecture :D, but I ran out of money at the same time I totaled my car. My business is not doing well (although I am earning enough to eat and pay my internet bill), and I have not paid my other bills in months. The amount of money I got from my car (due to a high deductible), was not enough to get another one, and I ended up using the money for some emergencies (a repair on my cousin’s car, because we must have a working car).
So here I am single, not getting any younger with:
no health insurance
My question is why is God doing this to me? Intellectually I know (I studied theology in college, LOL) that God loves me, but how exactly do our prayers work with God’s will? I spent many hours praying for my friends, and well, they seem to have everything I do not, not just materially, but spiritually (obviously they have attained some sort of spiritual readiness in order to be married). I don’t get it. Does this mean no one prays for me? Or that they do, but it’s God’s will that my life be like this? If so, WHY? I am fighting terrible terrible envy of my friends, too. I’ve sent maybe 2 emails to my friends as a group asking for prayers (with no specifics), like 5 months ago when this started, and have received no replies. So I guess they don’t care? And I know they are around because they post on Facebook all the time posting things like “we’re off to take Emma to her first Yankees game”, “we’re off to take Emma to grandma’s art show”, “I got maid service because I cannot clean 4 bathrooms”. “We’re off to the Hamptons for Taylor’s birthday”. I’ve asked for prayers on Facebook (without ever mentioning specifics), and only had a couple of my cousins reply, (no friends). The thing is, I don’t think they’re shallow, they’re all great Catholics. So I just don’t get this whole thing AT ALL. Their happiness and wealth (both material and spiritual) is shoved in my face every time I log onto Facebook.
I can use my cousin’s car, but since we are in a new huge city, I don’t know where to find a spiritual director (can this be done online? :D), and I do go to Sunday mass and I do go to confession.
Why? Why me? I want to stamp my foot and say it isn’t fair. I cannot find a job (and I have degree!), either. How do people get to the point spiritually where God gives them all the desires of their heart? I cannot get there and I don’t know how. I also want to make it clear that I am not just looking for material gains through prayer.
I don’t want anything fancy or extravagant out of life, just to be able to pay my debts, someone who loves me, a car to drive, and to get to heaven. Ok, heck, I’d be happy with the ability to pay my debts, and heaven (of course!).
And to top it all off, I have terrible terrible insomnia. I didn’t fall asleep until 8 :eek: this morning!
Help… and sorry this was so long and in spite of everything I do know God loves me.