How to cope when your spouse is committing adultery?


#1

HOW do we cope when our spouses are committing adultery?

I just don't know how to.

Many of you nice folks have followed my threads here for such a long time now. Thank you.

But it all goes back to the simple question, "how do you cope when your spouse you loved is unfaithful" HOW?

Someone please tell me. It's been 2 1/2 years now, and I still cannot cope. My counselor tells me because I still love him. Yet he's been committing adultery now with a stripper now for 3 years. How CAN I love him? I do not know. I have been very emotionally/verbally abused now for years. I used to love him, but now I hate him severely.

Please help me move on. With your good advice. My heart is still grieving. For just too long now. Like almost 3 years. What is wrong with me?:blush:


#2

I’m afraid this is going to take more than I can give over the Net. It sounds like it will take time, therapy, and focusing on God’s love for you - that God cares about you even though your husband is extremely difficult. It can be really hard to deal with the pain and sometimes there is just no alternative but to go through it and that can take a while. I don’t know how long. I have not dealt with this with a spouse but I have with my parents and although the issues are different, the need to resolve issues about important relationships and betrayal is similar. The recovery process often takes longer than people wish it would. I think you said you were starting a support group for abused women and/or one for people getting a divorce, how are those going?


#3

Because you were still around him. Over time, I’d say about 2 years itll take, you will feel much different because even though you’re sick of his actions, you love him deeply. In time, you will start to see that his actions aren’t worth being around and your love for him isn’t what it used to be for a GOOD reason! You’ll get over this, even if it feels like it drags on forever. If I can give you any advice, stay away from him, try not to talk to him and try not to go to all the places he would go with his friends or whatever to hang out.


#4

I'm not sure that we can help you move on. No matter what anyone says.

That's the worst part of a heartbreaking end of a relationship. No one else can help you move on. You have to figure it out yourself.


#5

I had to cling to Christ and let Him take the pain and bitterness away...My ex married someone who was "supposedly" one of my friends...Then they were living in the house that I was paying for...He was there alot before they were married to "help" her..He would answer the phone when I wanted to talk to the kids...My flesh wanted to clobber him...I knew I couldn't let this control me as it was ruining the peace I had with the Lord and turning me into a bitter person...I knew this was something I needed if I wanted to keep my faith in Christ strong...You really have to focus on bringing your though life captive to the obedience of Christ...It's all the grace of God,
you cannot will this on your own..One day I called and felt it broke off....He answered
and I said "Hi Dave".. I think he was shocked I was so nice..It just seemed to be smoother sailing after that.It got to where I was free to have mercy for them and pray for them..You need victory for you own well being...It is a heartbreaking time. Clinging to Jesus and casting your cares..I know I can't fully understand your pain....I know it is a process, but I also know Jesus can pull you through..


#6

Time will do it. As will all the stuff that you will be dealing with, divorce law-wise. By the end, any feeling you have for him will be completely burned away, with the help of your lawyers and the family law system.

It has been four years since I packed the ex’s bags and left them on the porch. It has taken this long to become completely emotionally detached and indifferent to him. He is just some guy who happens to be the dad to our kids. Thank God for that sense of detachment!

You will feel much stronger as time goes on, Corinne. After this, nothing will faze you. My prayers are with you in this time of emotional struggle.

Prayers and Adoration helped me get through it, especially. As did attending a support group for divorcing/separating Christians in my local parish. I would recommend a support group to help you sound out your feelings about this. Writing them out in a journal also helps.


#7

It helps to realize that the man you loved was just an imaginary man, one that was created in your head based on the facade he projected, that your husband never was that true, honest, trustworthy man you believed him to be.

It's like the death of a close loved one, it's like having your right arm amputated and having to relearn how to do everything with your left, it's like waking up to a totally different world than the one you were prepared for and thought you lived in.

It is more painful than childbirth and continues day in, day out for as long as it takes to get to the realization that you deserve better and can succeed on your own and were made for better things and you can look at him and let go fully of that old, delusional life you thought was living and turn and move on into life knowing no-one has your back but you can make it with God at your side.
But you can and will find happiness and joy and goodness around and in you again.
It just takes time and reaching out and acceptance of big change.


#8

You said, understandably, that you now hate him fiercely.
Hating someone binds oneself to the person one hates.

While you hate him you will continue to obsess...as that's what you're doing...and he still has the power to make you miserable, or rather, you still have the power to make yourself miserable while you have such strong feelings as hate. It's not bothering him.

He doesn't care. He's not doing anything to you now. You are.
I hope and pray you can free yourself.
Kindest wishes and prayers


#9

You are the person who recently filed-or is planning to file for divorce? Yes?

First, you need to stay away from him-well, as much as you can. Granted, you have children together, so..you are going to have to have some contact with him.

I can tell you what I felt, and what I did...you have to understand, it's going to take a lot of time to heal the wounds...you know?

I-well, in the first, um...I suppose 6 to 8 months...took it one day at a time....sometimes one hour at a time. HA!

It was really hard, let me tell you..but, try to find something to distract you. Try to find some kind of group, something to occupy your time so that you don't have time to brood over how your ex wronged you, etc. If you have time to dwell on it, it will tear you apart.

I was-well, in a sense, lucky in that regard...I was in RT school FT, and worked PT on the weekends, and I had a 4 year old son to contend with;0D
(I had a very, very good babysitter who watched my boy when I worked and went to school...he was in the school system daycare PT-he needed speech therapy-and with the babysitter the nights I worked.)

I do recall that when I was especially tempted to rant at the ex and remind him of the many ways he was a scum-bucket (granted, he wasn't near as bad as I saw him then) I would write e-mails that were positively nasty....then delete them....they were NEVER SENT to him....that was my way of working through my anger. I suggest perhaps a diary to sort through your feelings? However, DO NOT GIVE HIM THIS INFORMATION...the goal is to work through your anger, not to bash him.

Your goal? To accept that what is, just IS-and you and your children need to move on.

He will not change-unless HE wants to...not for you, not for the kids (sad to say), not for anyone...unless HE wants it.

You have to realize that he's not plotting to make your life miserable....he's just-well-I'd venture to say a terribly confused man who probably doesn't know what he wants in the long term and lives in the moment....just a guess...but, sounds like it.

I really don't think he hates you, and for you to harbor resentment will destroy you, but...it takes a lot of time and work to get to that point...and-well-everyone's different.

Some people come to the freedom of letting the resentment go rather fast, some....well...never let it go. Your goal is to understand the why of it, and then let it go.


#10

[quote="Trishie, post:8, topic:217173"]
You said, understandably, that you now hate him fiercely.
Hating someone binds oneself to the person one hates.

While you hate him you will continue to obsess...as that's what you're doing...and he still has the power to make you miserable, or rather, you still have the power to make yourself miserable while you have such strong feelings as hate. It's not bothering him.

He doesn't care. He's not doing anything to you now. You are.
I hope and pray you can free yourself.
Kindest wishes and prayers

[/quote]

I know many people hate satan. That doesn't make them obsessed. And yes, he also does have certain powers to try and mess with you too!
Your point isn't necessarily true in all situations.


#11

[quote="BlueShadow123, post:10, topic:217173"]
I know many people hate satan. That doesn't make them obsessed. And yes, he also does have certain powers to try and mess with you too!
Your point isn't necessarily true in all situations.

[/quote]

Sorry, I used the wrong language, as I understand you to be speaking of spiritual bondage and obsession. That wasn't my meaning. I was speaking of emotional connection in the sense that, if you are indifferent and able or choose to forgive another, then the person doesn't have the power to hurt you, or hurt you as deeply. In that sense I stand by what I said, and in any case this thread isn't about semantics, so I'll leave that.

The agony of the betrayal must be unbearable at times, but I do hope the poor girl will be able to attain the degree of detachment that comes with emotional and mental stands and mindsets one must take to get over the horrible events and circumstances in our lives. I realise it would be all the more difficult and painful where children are involved so the relationship has to be maintained, and the other person's behaviour may remain unpleasant and obstructive. That certainly makes everything harder to overcome.

And one can only hope to heed Jesus' command to pray for those who persecute you.
However I do hope and pray Corrine can find her way to freedom.


#12

Make a choice and stick with it - get off the computer - you could have changed your entire life and situation for your children in the last six months you have been on the computer starting threads. How do I know? Been going through it in almost the same time span with a physical disability - and I got help - filed for divorce, put my stuff in storage, and moved. And by the way there are more resources available to you since you have children. Quit whining on the internet - get into real counseling or you risk losing your kids when HE FILES.


#13

I like you- you tell it straight. :thumbsup:


#14

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