How to deal with all the pain of separation?


#1

Hello friends:

I am fine, just to have you all know, first off all my friends here. Thank you for reading this first and foremost. You all even reading one more thread by me is such a gift to me anyway. Thank you and huge hug from me, on-line!!! My friends on CAF~ I love you all. :slight_smile:

My h has been:shrug: out of the house now, for the 5th time in 2 years for his continuing sex addiction and affair with a stripper. It’s now been one month exactly.

I am having some highs and lows, mostly highs this time around, as I am becoming SO aware of how damaging he was to me and to our family and our children. How I didn’t see it 2 years ago, or how stupid I was NOT to see it, etc. I wish I was strong enough back then to follow the Love Must Be Tough principals as Dr. Dobson stated in his wonderful book, of the same name, but I wasn’t. I guess I should not beat myself up over it huh? I’m feeling like such a complete fool that I didn’t “get it” 2 years ago…Eveyone tried to tell me even on here 2 years ago, but I guess I was not ready to move forward. I had hope endlessly, love endlessly, etc., to no avail.

Anyway, on and off I suffer from such incredible pain I cannot sleep. Knowing my marriage is over and cannot ever go back. How does one deal with this? I ask you all, ones who have gone through this?

As usual in all the times of separation before, my h never once was the one to attempt reconciliation. Always me. I urged him to move home, instilled guilt in him, etc. He still wanted to be carrying on with his favorite whore from the nudie bar and do it under my nose…the entire time…cointinuously now for over 3 years…WHY was I so stupid before??? I guess I panicked.

I’d appreciate any advice this day. I am still in lots of pain on and off. However, I am much better than last time I wrote, so much better. I have accepted the fact that my husband is a pervert sex addict and shows no love for me or his kids, that it is HIS choice and that there is nothing I can do to change it. Plus, after all his lies, I cannot be married to a man like this moving forward. I am going to sadly sell my wedding rings this week.

God Bless~:)


#2

We all live life one day at a time. It's really easy to look back on a situation and think "if I would have done this or that earlier, I'd be here or there..." but that is not realistic. We don't have crystal balls and can't tell what will happen in the future because of our actions and we can't look back and know what would have happened had we done something different.

I think the only thing to do is keep on keepin' on... one day at a time... good luck and prayers for you!


#3

Corinne,

My prayers are with you love :slight_smile:

Very sorry for your pain. Have you considered volunteering to get your mind off your past?

You did all that you could, it’s time for forgiveness and moving on to a much happier life.

:hug1:

Barb


#4

Your pain is from betrayal - as was JESUS pain.
You are suffering from the rejection by the one you loved - as was JESUS rejected by the ones HE loved.
Your offer for reconcilation was ignored - as was the reconciliation JESUS offered.
You are hurting for your children - as does JESUS hurt for HIS children.

Meditate on the suffering of JESUS and understand that HE knows exactly what you are feeling, and HE is happy to take that pain from you, if you give it to HIM.

So say, "JESUS, I cannot carry this pain any longer, please lift it from me and grant me peace in my life and the life of my children" And each time the pain comes back make the same request. ". . .as we forgive those who trespass against us...", this is the hard part. Forgive your husband, and pray that GOD grants him forgiveness.

Adultery is the one reason JESUS gave in the Gospels for divorce. Make sure you have a good attorney, who can get all the child support necessary.


#5

Dear Corinne3,

I am very sorry for your pain. This is a most difficult time and I would encourage you to surround yourself with people that care about YOU. Friends and family can and will provide you with much support and comfort. Pray dear and pour your heart out to Jesus and Mary. They love you and will help you through this.

Stop beating yourself up for making a mistake as we all make them. It may be helpful to seek counseling if you are comfortable with that. A priest or professional that you trust would be a good place to start (the priest rates are pretty good).

If time permits get involved with something else that interests you. Now may be the time to start that hobby you have been thinking about. Keep active as idle time tends to spent thinking too much. Take care of yourself physically and eat well. This is very important. Also don't make any drastic decisions right now. Give yourself time to heal and get your thoughts together. I'm sure you are a great Mom and your children need you and you need them. Together you will make it through this. You are in my prayers.

MEMORARE,
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession, was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen


#6

Oh thank you all.

I love the Memorare:

Thank you~~~~:D

My heart just hurts so much at times, more than my bodily pains ever. I do not know how to make it better. With a physical hurt, there’s always something, with a heart hurt, what is there really? I pray but it doesn’t help. I go to bed many nites crying and rubbing my tummy in pure anguish. I wish I wasn’t so sensitive and I could just say “screw him”…but I am just not this type…


#7

I am glad to hear you are doing better. Everyone has had good things to say. There was one thing to touch on.

Adultery is the one reason JESUS gave in the Gospels for divorce. Make sure you have a good attorney, who can get all the child support necessary.

Jesus did not say that - it is translated that way in the Protestant Gospels - in the NAB translation which is the Catholic translation it reads like this in Mt 5:31-32:

"It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife must give her a bill of divorce.'
But I say to you, whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) causes her to commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. 

This is not to say that you may not have grounds for anullment as your husband had a sex addiction that he did not disclose to you (I don’t think he did because no woman in her right mind would marry a man like that and have his children) prior to the marriage. Just some thoughts - but yes, divorce is right - the tough part for people like us is remembering that we must live as we are married even though our husbands are doing whatever. Be thankful for your children.


#8

“but yes, divorce is right - the tough part for people like us is remembering that we must live as we are married even though our husbands are doing whatever.”

What do you mean JoanDarc??? Could you explain what you meant by this?

.Yes, what I am feeling is the horrible pain of betrayal. That’s it~I wonder if I’ll always feel this the rest of my life. I sure hope it gets better. With time maybe…


#9

[quote="Julian0404, post:4, topic:213928"]
***"Your pain is from betrayal - as was JESUS pain.
You are suffering from the rejection by the one you loved - as was JESUS rejected by the ones HE loved.
Your offer for reconcilation was ignored - as was the reconciliation JESUS offered.
You are hurting for your children - as does JESUS hurt for HIS children.

Meditate on the suffering of JESUS and understand that HE knows exactly what you are feeling, and HE is happy to take that pain from you, if you give it to HIM.

So say, "JESUS, I cannot carry this pain any longer, please lift it from me and grant me peace in my life and the life of my children" And each time the pain comes back make the same request. ". . .as we forgive those who trespass against us...", this is the hard part. Forgive your husband, and pray that GOD grants him forgiveness. "***

Thank you so much Julian!!!! This helps me so much!!!! You can't imagine. I will do this!!!!
I have discovered my pain is from betrayal, not from being separated. It's actually a relief not living with an unfaithful husband! IT'S THAT EXACTLY JULIAN, BEING BETRAYED! Thank you for pointing this out to me! It's just the worst hurt imaginable! From someone you loved so much and gave your life to, and made a family with, etc.......What a scum he is!:(

I will give my pain and suffering from this to Jesus~~~~ whenever I feel the pain cropping up, which is usually at night, going to bed all alone.....I guess if I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't feel so hurt. That's a good thing I guess. I feel things so very deeply. He was my prince. Now that's all gone.

[/quote]


#10

Corinne

I feel your pain and will pray for you. I understand what you’re going through because we’re going through the same thing. In my case, it was because of numerous instances of adultary on the part of my wife. I still love her also but…I feel the same relief that you do. At first I felt a bit guilty feeling relief that my marriage was breaking up but…I’ve carried the pain for three+ years of knowing she’s having affairs and “sucking it up” for the kids. At the end of the day, she made the decision to leave and I feel some peace because of that.

I love her and pray for her daily that she’ll find God again. Do the same for your husband, even if it’s tough to do. It will help you feel better and you’ll know in your heart that despite everything, you’re doing the right thing and living the example of Jesus in your life.

Take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon


#11

[quote="Corinne3, post:8, topic:213928"]
"but yes, divorce is right - the tough part for people like us is remembering that we must live as we are married even though our husbands are doing whatever."

What do you mean JoanDarc???? Could you explain what you meant by this?

.Yes, what I am feeling is the horrible pain of betrayal. That's it~I wonder if I'll always feel this the rest of my life. I sure hope it gets better. With time maybe...

[/quote]

I am not saying your divorce is not correct - I am saying that you will need the anullment in order to enter another relationship and that adultery may not be grounds for that anullment unless you can show that he never meant to stay faithful or he had the addiction at the begining and did not disclose or another cause for anullment. I just wanted to catch you so you can

a) take the time you need for yourself during the divorce/anullment process without dating
b) not put in your anullment on the wrong grounds and get it kicked back - it is very important you go to a priest or deacon that is trained as a Canon Advocate that can help you - there is usually one per parish or every couple parishes.

God bless.

And believe me - you did the right thing


#12

[quote="fosgrove, post:10, topic:213928"]
Corinne

I feel your pain and will pray for you. I understand what you're going through because we're going through the same thing. In my case, it was because of numerous instances of adultary on the part of my wife. I still love her also but...I feel the same relief that you do. At first I felt a bit guilty feeling relief that my marriage was breaking up but...I've carried the pain for three+ years of knowing she's having affairs and "sucking it up" for the kids. At the end of the day, she made the decision to leave and I feel some peace because of that.

I love her and pray for her daily that she'll find God again. Do the same for your husband, even if it's tough to do. It will help you feel better and you'll know in your heart that despite everything, you're doing the right thing and living the example of Jesus in your life.

Take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon

[/quote]

Fosgrove - you may want to do a name search - this is not the OP's first post. This man has put her in a very bad situation with his adultery - including spending the money they needed for bills on strippers and has gotten physical. I wish you all the best but until you solve the situation completely with your wife it is selfish for you to ask this of someone else's and self-serving.


#13

[quote="Corinne3, post:9, topic:213928"]

[/quote]

Thank you so much Julian!!!! This helps me so much!!!! You can't imagine. I will do this!!!!
I have discovered my pain is from betrayal, not from being separated. It's actually a relief not living with an unfaithful husband! IT'S THAT EXACTLY JULIAN, BEING BETRAYED! Thank you for pointing this out to me! It's just the worst hurt imaginable! From someone you loved so much and gave your life to, and made a family with, etc.......What a scum he is!:(

I will give my pain and suffering from this to Jesus~~~~ whenever I feel the pain cropping up, which is usually at night, going to bed all alone.....I guess if I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't feel so hurt. That's a good thing I guess. I feel things so very deeply. He was my prince. Now that's all gone.

I'm presently going through a divorce. I too felt betrayed. I had no clue. Sadly there is no clear reason for my divorce except that my husband decided he didn't love me anymore. He didn't want to be married. He refused to go to marriage counseling with me. He never said a word to our priest or to anyone else in the church.

I think some of my pain is fear for the future and for my kids. We have our first court date next week. I'm praying for wisdom so that I can make good choices for the future of what's left of my family.:crying:


#14

Joan

Sorry…I might be misunderstanding your post. I was given great advice by a person on the forum to pray for my wife that she may return to God and away from the dark place that she was in. I was trying to pass what I thought was excellent advice to someone else (Corinne) going through a difficult time with many similarities to my own situation.

I certainly was not trying to be self serving…I was just trying offer the same support that I was offered and which truly helped me in keeping a proper perspective…


#15

[quote="fosgrove, post:14, topic:213928"]
Joan

Sorry...I might be misunderstanding your post. I was given great advice by a person on the forum to pray for my wife that she may return to God and away from the dark place that she was in. I was trying to pass what I thought was excellent advice to someone else (Corinne) going through a difficult time with many similarities to my own situation.

I certainly was not trying to be self serving....I was just trying offer the same support that I was offered and which truly helped me in keeping a proper perspective...

[/quote]

There is a big difference between praying for your wife to come back when you have committed adultery and counseling a woman that took over six months to throw her abusive, aldulterous husband out of the house to take him back after she has been counseled by many inluding clergy not to do so as he has shown NO repentance. The difference here is repentance of the offender. Jesus ate with sinners, repentant ones.


#16

Joan....sorry....you completely misunderstood me. Never once did I council her to take her husband back. I suggested that she pray that her husband return to God...period. I never once asked her to take him back nor would I ever suggest that. The advice I recieved (and really appreciated) was "pray that your wife returns to God...that she turns back to God, regardless how your marriage turns out..keep praying for her". That's what I suggested to Corinne. Under no circumstances did I suggest she take him back so if I wasn't clear before...I am now.

Corinne....I'm so sorry for the confusion and I will have you in my prayers. God bless you and I hope everything works out for you. I won't comment anymore on this post but I'll be thinking about you.


#17

Corrine, Do your friends know of the situation? usually going out for a girls night helps so you and your friends can talk about it. When you hear somebody else saying that hes not good for you, it usually makes you feel better about the decision. Think of it like this....
no man in his right mind who actually loves you would ever do what he did. Strippers, and adultery? it is sick! You did the smart thing by getting away from him! A very very very good thing! what he was doing was so damaging. You just need to keep telling yourself that you did the right thing. You will find somebody again someday and you can be happy again. Your husband didn't just lose respect for your marriage, but for himself. Look at him now. He obviously has no respect for himself to stoop this low. Let's just say that he'll have alot to explain to god on judgement day. Its good you're away from him, hes no good. Just know that you did the right thing, not only for you, but for your family. Nobody should have to be around this. Why not take a girls night out and go see a movie or something? now that you're free from him, continue to live your life like everyday is your last. Maybe plan a vacation with your family? You need to get out there and see the world for what it is. A big place to do things and meet new people and go new places. Sitting at home wont help you, you gotta get out there to see that life is a beautiful thing and this guy shouldn't bring you down. :)


#18

My apologies - i misread so sorry.:eek:


#19

No worries! Sorry for the confusion:thumbsup::thumbsup:


#20

[quote="fosgrove, post:14, topic:213928"]
Joan

Sorry...I might be misunderstanding your post. I was given great advice by a person on the forum to pray for my wife that she may return to God and away from the dark place that she was in. I was trying to pass what I thought was excellent advice to someone else (Corinne) going through a difficult time with many similarities to my own situation.

I certainly was not trying to be self serving....I was just trying offer the same support that I was offered and which truly helped me in keeping a proper perspective...

[/quote]

Dear Fosgrove:

Thank you. This is great advice. To pray for my husband that he will come back to GOD one day. I could never take him back. Already tried 4 times previously, to no avail.

So thank you so much~!

Corinne~:)


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