How to deal with loneliness!


#1

Not sure if some of you guys read my threads before the crash. Anyway I was with my Husband for 12 years and we have 2 kids a boy 8 and a girl 6. I am 32 years old and he is 33 years old and last year this time I found out that he was having and affair with a 19 year old. They now have a child together and are living together. We are not divorced as I have no intentions of doing as he is the one that wanted out so he should do it. As I have no intentions of getting married again or meeting anybody and starting over again.

But I am so lonely I hardly go anywhere. The friends I used to have I am drifting away from them as they are only couples and I feel the odd one out as I have nobody anymore. The times I did go out with them they were all coupled off and I felt out of place. Also during this tough time I tried so many times to get an appointment with the priest but was unsuccessful. And it really hurt because it was a tough time for me and I got no support from the Church. Sorry to say but the parish I used to attend is in the Portuguese community here is South Africa and if you are not Portuguese and you are not well known by the best forget it. With a result I got no counselling from anybody and I gave up.It was such a emotional time for me. And I really felt hurt and abandoned from the Church. Then a friend invited me to her Christian Church at first I did not feel comfortable but after going quiet a few times I started to fit in. They have prayer on a Wed and Fri and I attended and they guided me in the right direction I would phone those people 12 at night and they would pray with me. Why could my own church not do this for me.

With this whole drama with my husband I was suffering for depression for 10 years of the 12 years we were together and I was seing the Psychiatrist and on Anti-depressants for 8 years and then after these people prayed with me I stopped seing the Psychiatrist and just could not take the medication anymore. I have learnt to read my bible more I have learnt to pray and have faith in God and believe in him.

It is just the loneliness I hardly see my family as they have their own lives and their own issues. My friends have drifted away because I have made the choice not to drink or party anymore it is just my choice nobody has forced me it is just not the life I want. I have no intentions of getting involved with another man and hurting myself or my kids. I do go out now and again to movies or coffee but I just feel so lonely. And no matter how much I pray and ask for guidance I am not getting the answers I want. People tell me that I am still young and that life does go on and I will meet another man. But that is just not for me it is wrong. I always felt that been divorced was wrong and not exceptable I guess that is why I never made the move to do it.

And I get so angry sometimes that my ex is happy and here am I who did nothing is the one who is suffering with making sure that the home loan is paid, medical aid, nanny for the kids, food, homework etc etc. And even though he contributes a very small amount to the kids he wears only Levi’s from top to bottom (I cannot even afford to be so extravacant because I must consider the kids needs first) he has a gym contract, cell phone contract plus a 3 month old baby to take care of. And he is so happy by the looks of things when it suits him to see the kids then he pitches up and asks them a whole lot of questions like I am an unfit mother. Like make sure you brush your teeth, make sure you put lotion on (HELLO I ALWAYS MAKE SURE THAT THEY ARE CLEAN). This is the part that irratated me the most my daughter needs to go to school next year and you need to register her there and pay a certain amount he agreeded to pay that money but changed his mind and bought my son NIKES and the sister clothes. Here is SA Nikes are very expensive what they cost here will be your groceries money for the month. Then I phone him and ask him where is the money as my child will not be able to go to school next year if the money is not paid he had such attitude with me telling that this is not his problem that he gives me money and that I must make an arrangement. I got so angry and upset as this is his children not only mine. Another example with me having to pay for everything I was short for groceries I told the kids to tell him that there is no food he never called them again just stayed away. Lucky for me that I have a very supportive family even though we hardly see each other the made a plan for me.

Sorry I am rambling but this is the only place that you feel comfortable to vent and people give you advice and support and also nobody judges you. You might not feel comfortable talking to a friend about all this.


#2

Robaynne:

I am sorry for all of the suffering you’ve gone through, but I must say how impressed I am by the incredible strength you have in spite of some great difficulties. You are a strong woman and you have the qualities of a woman who can survive the demands you are faced with at this point. Don’t give up, the worst is behind you.

That being said, I feel quite strongly that you must seek legal closure to this terrible marriage, since your estranged husband obviously has no problem whatsoever with being an adulterer. You must continue to be strong, not only for yourself, but for the precious children who depend on you for stability and guidance. You must contact a lawyer as soon as possible and divorce this man. In order to provide a secure future you must see to it that any money he has saved during the course of your marriage, in addition to the house, comes to you and the children first. Think of this: wouldn’t it be awful if this 19 year old chick left your husband and got child-support for their child? I need to go, sorry I can’t post more.

Stay strong and pray constantly. God will never let you down.


#3

I agree, a civil divorce will be the best way to provide for your children. He will be appointed by the court to pay his share of the expenses, and if he doesn’t then he has to answer to the court. The sin is not divorce, the sin would be to engage in a relationship afterwards. As long as you remain chaste to the relationship that is only civilly severed, there is no sin.

I am sorry you are not getting support from you own Church. I hate when I hear things like this…then we wonder why the protestant churches are so appealing to Catholics, and why Catholics look to other churches.

I know you are in a horrible situation, but can it be that part of your emptiness is that you are not availing yourself of the Sacraments? Is there a neighboring parish you could attend?
Remember, it is the humans in the parish (and even the priest is human) who have let you down. God is still with you. Don’t turn your back on Christ in the Eucharist.

I will pray for you. And continue to post here, and try to find ways to reach out to other Catholic people who can support you in your choice to remain chaste and faithful.


#4

I didn’t deal with the loneliness issue: I think that the best place to start is with a church program for mothers of young children. they have meetings and outings geared towards your stage in life. And you cannot allow being single to get in the way of making new friends. By the way you talk (saying things like: “the children are going to their fathers this weekend”), people will get the idea that you are single. What you project with your attitude is what people will see. Other groups might be PTA’s or if you can volunteer at a pro-life pregnancy help center: they are immensely supportive and it is a wonderful setting.

Your husband is abusing your family. You need to get legal help to protect your rights and your financial well-being. You must establish the demise of your marriage, your husband’s unfaithfulness and abandonment of his family, in the eyes of the courts in order to protect yourself and your children. An attorney can help you avoid the needless pitfalls that may well result in your husband getting custody of the children. Do you want this 19 year old to raise your children? You know, at this point your husband has the same legal rights as you do over your children. Do you want him to have them, or you? While the thought of divorce is sad, your marriage may not be valid anyway. You don’t want to hang on to a marriage that in the end might be annulled. Please, find some way to talk to a lawyer asap. Also, are you eligible for government aid? You cannot be in a situation again where you have no food in the house. Call a food pantry before you allow your cupboards to be empty. Call your pastor and tell him that you are desperate. Your children are suffering emotionally because of all of this, the Church must come to their aid. They deserve more and you are finally in a position to give them more. You will feel much better if you are in control. Take charge. You can do this.


#5

Dear Poster:

i do not know how you deal with such loneliness, or what to say to you when your husband is carrying on with another woman in this manner as such. This is just not right or just. Is he sleeping with this woman?

i feel lonely too though and can understand, perhaps in a way different than you. as i have many child in the home, and am fortunate to have home help, still, i feel lonely as my husband, though here, every day, still i feel he is distant to me. Maybe this is just because we have been married for so long now. He works and maintains a living, yet i feel he is not as intimate as i would wish him for to me. He is a man, all the same, and as i know, men are not the same as we women, emotional, close.

i say to you, tell your husband to return today. It will be sad for you if he does not. But perhaps something you will have to endure, for the sake of the Lord. To be long-suffering in the end.

All God’s Blessings On You.


#6

The classic responses really do work: volunteer to help others, get active in the community, make it a point to just do it and not let fear get in the way of making introductions.


#7

Dear Robaynne,

You have been here for so many of us on this forum. As I write this, I am crying for you are a person who is suffering greatly and yet you reach out and help us with your prayers and kindness and especially your words. My dear, don’t give up. I was lonely once also and lived alone and didn’t have much friends for at the times I was in the Air Force, and my friends were interested in party also. I was not. I use to go out alone and workout at the gym, but still was lonely. This was the time the Lord Jesus tested my faith as well. I too had many protestant friends lean me an ear and listened and invited me to their church. They were their for me, but then they started in on the Catholic Church and wanted me to leave or “go to hell.” During this time, to make a long story short, I drew near to the Church, but most of all to Jesus. He was my best friend, as I know he is to you, but I also got to know him more in the Eucharist and not only in the Bible. I got more out of Holy Hours and just sitting there before him, then many hours of reading the Bible. Don’t get me wrong, reading the Bible help me know who and what Jesus was and stood for. I look back now and know I suffered great loneliness, but now I add thankgiving to the Lord for it all. He had his reasons and I would not be the person I am now if I did not have to go through the loneliness. Jesus also suffered loneliness. He was betrayed and abandoned by his love ones and friends.

You are not alone and the words of many here is so true. Please try to get as many Sacraments that you can, especially the Eucharist. This was in my loneliness time and is now my source of strength. Read some good Catholic books. Divine Mercy in my Soul on St. Faustina helped me so much. I am so sorry you suffer like this. I am so sorry that men do this to one another and believe you me, even though your husband may seem happy, he can’t possibly be truly happy when he is offending God. You are almost in the same boat as my sister, Norma, who you pray for. Right now, her ex has not paid child support. She was going hungry to feed her children with what little she earns. I found out and gave her a check. My parents have been paying for her bills, so even though she has the most important things covered for now, she still wants to be able to support herself. She feels humiliated. He has to lean on us for now for she is almost done with school and will hopefully get a good job.

Don’t give up, my sister, for we are all sisters and brothers in Christ. I thank God for you, for you have helped my sister and me more than you will know. My heart is broken that you suffer like this. :crying: It won’t always be like this, but I will say that I agree with those who mention here for you to get a divorce. You could be able to get an annulment and I know you don’t trust men for now, but you never know if the Lord will send you a great holy Catholic man to be your husband and father to the kids. Just think about it and pray about it, don’t let any of us tell you what to do for you have to live with your decision. I know how strongly you feel about marriage and divorce, but remember, it is over.

You have my prayers.:gopray2:


#8

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it and all the positive things that you guys said.

I received the divorce papers today he made the step to end the marriage. I am happy but also a little sad but this had to happen. And better now than 10 years down the line. I guess the 19 year old has put pressure on him to end the marriage.

I just have no words or feelings right now. It is a end to a very hurtful chapter. I should have gotten out of this marriage a long time ago. Not sure why I even stayed in it so long. There was verbal and physical abuse in the marriage beside this affair that finally ended things. But he made his choice where he wants to be and I just pray to God that he does not do the same things he did to me to this girl. I do not hate her I feel sorry for her the reason is she is at that age whereby he can control and tell her what she should and should not do where she should and should not go and who she should and should not be friends with. She also has a drug problem maybe that problem has been sorted out now I do not know.

Last year around Aug 05 he came to me to ask me for help for this young girl as he is a store manager and she was a casual worker. Anyway because I work at the Health Dept and know people he asked if we could help this child. He called her a child. Anyway I got the information and gave it to him. Her parents send her away to stay with the Aunty in another town as she had a serious drug problem and they thought if she can here things would be better. Me the stupid always willing to help did not see what was materialising until it was to late. When I confronted her about the relationship she admitted he lied. Anyway I kicked him out the house this was in Oct 05 and later I heard she was pregnant. This man used to love his kids so much more than anything in this world and all of a sudden after he met this girl things just changed. Now she and the baby are more important than his own kids. This man was so jealous and possessive of me he did not want me to have friends, go out even to go out with family. He wanted me to be at home all the time. And it all just changed when this girl came into his life.

I guess he found his soul mate and we were never each others soul mates. He wanted to control me and when he could not that is when he used to beat me. And I excepted it for 9 years and never told anybody made excuses why I had a blue eye or bruises. And forgave him every time. The amazing part is that I came from a family where there was no fighting and arguing and a good background so why did I except it for so long. He came from a single parent family whereby his mother struggled to bring them up and it hurt him to see his mother suffer like that. And guess what he has done the same to his kids they are watching me struggle and battle now the same thing he did not want for his kids he has done that. I also come from a single parent family but my life was 10 times better than his. My mother some how managed and gave us a good life even though she had struggles which I never saw as I was the youngest. But I wanted my kids to grow up with two parents but I guess I could not give them that.

Life does go on and we both need to move on with our lives and go our separate ways.


#9

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. Please know my prayers are with you (I have a friend going through a very similar situation right now). The suggestions in the other posts are excellent --getting closer to the Lord in the sacraments and prayer and reading Scripture are very important. I would also add reaching out to others in need. Whenever I get depressed or feel lonely, if I reach out to others that goes away. It takes my focus off of myself and allows God to use me in a way to be a comfort and help to others despite whatever pain I may be experiencing.


#10

Hi. I don’t know If you remember me. I used to post under the name Anna’s mom.

I remember reading all your posts before. so much has happened lately. I feel your pain. I am also very lonely and sad.


#11

Yes, I do remember you. Did you sort out the issues that you were having. I hope you had better results than me.

Well the divorce is moving forward. I must admit that I am releaved that it has happened. Found myself a good lawyer who is helping me. So I am hoping for the best.

What my ex seems to forget is that you cannot base your happiness on somebody else’s unhappiness. That teenager cannot base her happiness on my tears of pain and suffering. And she forgets that if he can do this to me after 12 years of marriage that who is to say that he could not do the same to her one day. I feel sorry for her because she does not know what she is getting herself involved in. He is a verbal and abusive man and he will never change because he does not want to.

Thanx guys for all the wonderful advice. Whenever I feel the loneliness coming I just pray to God and also read my bible and also I am reading different religious books at the same time. So I have decided to not let the loneliness consume me or make me miserable. God has a plan for me am not sure what it is yet. When we are so down and miserable we allow so many things around us to distract us we blame God everything else except us. I am also not perfect and have also made mistakes but I have learnt from them.


#12

Hi Robaynne,

I think it might be the best thing, that your husband has gone ahead with the divorce. I don’t think yours was a sacramental marriage, due to the abuse you took from your husband. He didn’t love you as he was supposed to, as Christ loves his Church. It sounds like he didn’t understand the whole sacramental meaning of marriage or he never would have taken up with another woman, nor would he have beat and abused you. I know that my atheist husband certainly did not understand what a marriage entails, and that has led to his straying from our marriage in a very big way. Sometimes marriages are so broken that there is no way to fix them, no matter how hard you try. I know because I tried.

Does your church have no programs for separated and divorced people? A support group like that would probably help you deal with your pain. If anything, you will meet others who are going through what you are going through, and that can lead to new friendships, and that should help ease the loneliness. There are a lot of other people in yours shoes. I don’t know what the laws are pertaining to child support and alimony in your country, but are you and your children not entitled to something?

I am sorry you are going through this, but now that the proceedings for divorce have started, it will give you a chance to move on. Sometimes that is the best thing to do, hard as it is. I know because I am there myself. Continue to be strong for your kids, and realize that you did nothing wrong here, since you were the one who was faithful to your marriage.


#13

Hi, Sweetheart…I think lonliness can be one of the most difficult crosses for us to bear. I know that at times it has almost crushed me, made me so sad that I could hardly move which, of course, added to the lonliness.

For myself, I had to really force myself to be involved in my parish. I began to learn how to do that through my 12 step program - it emphasizes being of service - but it was still really scary. What if no one liked me? What if people thought I wasn’t smart enough or stylish enough? Could I stand being around all those (seemingly) happy couples when I was all alone, struggling to get by in the world?

My spiritual director helped me by having me focus on what I could BRING to a situation, how I could help, how I could ADD to that which I saw around me. It took several years of hard, hard work but I now know the difference between being alone and being lonely.

You are in my prayers, honey…hang in there.


#14

Beautifully and wisely said.


#15

Thank you everybody for all the wonderful response. This is for the best not only for me but also for the kids. I have forgiven him for what he had done. I am not the person to judge him God will be his judge and jury one day not me.

I have gotten no support from my parish I tried so many times to get an appointment with him but I just gave up even trying. As I said before I am not known to him, I am not rich, am not Portuguese. It hurts to think that when you need your parish priest the most he is not there. I tried for many months without any luck to I gave up. I am sorry to say this but in my parish the Portuguese run the show they look after the priest them send him on holidays, buy him a car etc, etc. Even at baptisms the get the priests full attention. Other Churchs are to far for me to go to.

I was at a point whereby I have given up on religion, on God on everything. Here my husband has done all this to me on top of that he has left me, on top of that I was suicidal, got no support from the church. And unfortunately another church rescued me. And maybe me realise that this is not God’s fault. That instead of running away from him run to him that he will give me everything that I need. Read my bible and pray. Pray anytime of the day or night. Joyce Meyer she spoke to me in her preachings.


#16

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