Not sure if some of you guys read my threads before the crash. Anyway I was with my Husband for 12 years and we have 2 kids a boy 8 and a girl 6. I am 32 years old and he is 33 years old and last year this time I found out that he was having and affair with a 19 year old. They now have a child together and are living together. We are not divorced as I have no intentions of doing as he is the one that wanted out so he should do it. As I have no intentions of getting married again or meeting anybody and starting over again.
But I am so lonely I hardly go anywhere. The friends I used to have I am drifting away from them as they are only couples and I feel the odd one out as I have nobody anymore. The times I did go out with them they were all coupled off and I felt out of place. Also during this tough time I tried so many times to get an appointment with the priest but was unsuccessful. And it really hurt because it was a tough time for me and I got no support from the Church. Sorry to say but the parish I used to attend is in the Portuguese community here is South Africa and if you are not Portuguese and you are not well known by the best forget it. With a result I got no counselling from anybody and I gave up.It was such a emotional time for me. And I really felt hurt and abandoned from the Church. Then a friend invited me to her Christian Church at first I did not feel comfortable but after going quiet a few times I started to fit in. They have prayer on a Wed and Fri and I attended and they guided me in the right direction I would phone those people 12 at night and they would pray with me. Why could my own church not do this for me.
With this whole drama with my husband I was suffering for depression for 10 years of the 12 years we were together and I was seing the Psychiatrist and on Anti-depressants for 8 years and then after these people prayed with me I stopped seing the Psychiatrist and just could not take the medication anymore. I have learnt to read my bible more I have learnt to pray and have faith in God and believe in him.
It is just the loneliness I hardly see my family as they have their own lives and their own issues. My friends have drifted away because I have made the choice not to drink or party anymore it is just my choice nobody has forced me it is just not the life I want. I have no intentions of getting involved with another man and hurting myself or my kids. I do go out now and again to movies or coffee but I just feel so lonely. And no matter how much I pray and ask for guidance I am not getting the answers I want. People tell me that I am still young and that life does go on and I will meet another man. But that is just not for me it is wrong. I always felt that been divorced was wrong and not exceptable I guess that is why I never made the move to do it.
And I get so angry sometimes that my ex is happy and here am I who did nothing is the one who is suffering with making sure that the home loan is paid, medical aid, nanny for the kids, food, homework etc etc. And even though he contributes a very small amount to the kids he wears only Levi’s from top to bottom (I cannot even afford to be so extravacant because I must consider the kids needs first) he has a gym contract, cell phone contract plus a 3 month old baby to take care of. And he is so happy by the looks of things when it suits him to see the kids then he pitches up and asks them a whole lot of questions like I am an unfit mother. Like make sure you brush your teeth, make sure you put lotion on (HELLO I ALWAYS MAKE SURE THAT THEY ARE CLEAN). This is the part that irratated me the most my daughter needs to go to school next year and you need to register her there and pay a certain amount he agreeded to pay that money but changed his mind and bought my son NIKES and the sister clothes. Here is SA Nikes are very expensive what they cost here will be your groceries money for the month. Then I phone him and ask him where is the money as my child will not be able to go to school next year if the money is not paid he had such attitude with me telling that this is not his problem that he gives me money and that I must make an arrangement. I got so angry and upset as this is his children not only mine. Another example with me having to pay for everything I was short for groceries I told the kids to tell him that there is no food he never called them again just stayed away. Lucky for me that I have a very supportive family even though we hardly see each other the made a plan for me.
Sorry I am rambling but this is the only place that you feel comfortable to vent and people give you advice and support and also nobody judges you. You might not feel comfortable talking to a friend about all this.