I am having a bit of difficulty understanding what it means to be " Called" to a Vocation…
some do not want to say it is a choice, but we have free will, so if people choose to get married because they love each other, how is that not being called to marrage , maybe two people do not feel they are soul mates, but that they " fit together " or " compliment each other " two terms i have heard numerous times but not personally prefer.
I do not feel at peace in the secular world, I don’t feel like i fit in at all. I have always felt at home and at peace at Mass and being raised as Catholic.
I have always had a need to serve others, and have in various ways all my life.
But having to hold down a 9-5 " job " it isn’t working for me, and I have come to a realization over the years and with reflection on my life the one consistancy in my life that i have always loved, is Christ, and the Church and being Catholic.
and a " 9 - 5 " isn’t working for me because i have zero passion to do so, and i guess one could say well you are just lazy, but i am digressing and that isnt the case, i just dont want to write a novel explaining everything and need to get back to my original question in a moment.
I am having strong feelings that I probably have a strong mission to serve as a priest or brother, at this point in time i cant say which.
And I can not properly articulate why ,
what i can say is becoming a Priest or Brother would allow me to serve others through ,with,and for Christ. and allow me to be able to fully and properly pray at any time with out anyone saying well, that is nice you are Catholic and have a holy day of obligation coming up or want to spend a week in retreat and prayer, but we have a deadline coming up and our clients or customers really need this product or report and well you have to choose now, your job or your Faith, pay your bills or lose everything and then you can truely live poor and destitute and pray when ever you want.
I can’t do both, I cant serve Caesar and God .
But if I fully devote myself to a vocation to a new life I am open to fully serving God in so many more ways than i can just living as a devoted lay person.
I see that I have so much to offer, and I am certain I will never live a fullfilled life outside the Catholic faith, Church , or Christ.
I mean if I wanted to I could in a few months say ya know what forget it, im going back into the military, I would hate it 100% but they would take me, they wouldnt ask why i was rejoining after 10 yrs of not serving, they wouldnt care why. Just sign here and off you go to what ever is open. I could do it, I would feel a little bit of honor and pride, but I would mainly be doing just enough to get by until i can retire while avoiding as much hardship as possible.
I could just buck up and say well these feelings i have of a religious life is really admirable but since i cant define why I am being called, or why I think I should be a priest or brother, i should really just stick with what ever degree i can barely get out of college and find a job that wont make me completely miserable that i can at the very least tolerate .
I plan on going on a personal retreat this summer to a Benedictine Abbey hopefully for a solid 3 days, for hopefully some clarification.
I feel that I would bring some much needed honor to the Priesthood, and would love serving a parish, I also feel i could live a life of prayer and service to a community as a brother.
I see myself as either, I know I need to explore and research more, but at what point, and how do i tell a vocational director I am being called and this is why.
I have an unsettling feeling that there is no real way to define a calling, and that very rarely is there a true divine calling by God to a person where that person has a true vision and understands their mission in life.
At some point I will have to make a real discernment as to which it is going to be and why, and present myself to a vocational director to the best of my ability, hopefully with enough honesty, clairity, wisdom, and articulation that I can only hope the Holy Spirit will grant me when the time comes.
and if i am completely wrong about myself, if i am just full of hot air and wishful thinking, God is really going to need to talk to me a lot louder and clearer so I can see what I am supposed to do with my life , now that I am 33yrs old. Because I am about out of fruitful and passionate ideas of what to do with this life if this is not the path for me .