How to get the love back in my marriage?


#1

My husband doesn't want to be with me anymore. He has some depression issues I think (which he doesn't see and doesn't want counseling). He is not attracted to me anymore and there is financial issues in the mix. We had a lot of problems and while we probably should have not let it get as far as it has gone, we have been married for 10 years and have two kids. He wants to end it like I said, but he said he would be willing to stay another year but it's not for us, but for money reasons. Either way, I am hoping for us to get back on track some how. I am trying to work on my weight which is one of his biggest complains. I have to do that for me too though because I am unhealthy. I hate it, but it's something I have to do. The other complaint (money) I can't do anything about, but still I am hoping something good will happen for us in this next year (provided that he doesn't change his mind on giving it a year - he changes his mind a lot on these kinds of things). I just don't know how to bring love back into our marriage. That may seem like a stupid question but if anyone has any answers or suggestions, I am open to them. Thanks.


#2

Pray for him. I will be praying for you both.


#3

What you posted is hopeful. He is willing to stick around for a year. GREAT!

That means he is open to making it work. If the situation were reversed (a wife wanting to get out the marriage) the situation would be much more bleak. Just trust me on this, a woman’s disappointments and decisions are much more difficult to change than man’s.

Retrouvaille is perfectly suited for the two of you. Cost will not be an issue because they accept whatever you are able to pay. **JUST DO IT! **

Tomorrow call your local Retrouvaille and talk to someone. These people can relate.


#4

The Love Dare is a great resource. It is Christian, although not Catholic. The accompanying move, Fireproof, is excellent as well. Getting the book would give you a good place to begin.

Prayers for you and your family.


#5

These ideas are great- also try The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr Laura

If he won't go to counseling for depression- how about confession? If you and he could go to the same priest once a week or month, I know that would be helpful.

If your weight is an issue- how about a family walk every night with the kids. Remind him of what he has AND get healthy slowly.

For this year, PRETEND like everything's fine. Try not to nag. Financial stress is awful and he feels less like a man.

I like the book the Love Dare- people are stubborn- we want the other person to start first- YOU have to start first.

Everyone who has read this post of yours is praying for you- make that your strength


#6

also- since you mentioned weight- sparkpeople.com is a FREE website- better than weightwatchers.com that could really help you


#7

I personally think you should try to go out and have some fun. Not every fun thing requires money so you can still go out have a good time like (you used to?).

I'm sorry that hes complaining about your weight. I personally find that to be quite mean.
What did he used to find attractive about you? It must not have been just your body, right? What do you have now that you didn't back then :confused: I say you guys go out, have a good time and hope those feelings come back. Of course this isn't the only solution but it might definitely help some.

Hope the best for you. (:


#8

Read The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. See if you can figure out your husband's love language, and speak it like crazy. My husband and I read this book during our marriage preparation nearly 9 years ago, and I reread it every so often. :) Best of luck to you.


#9

I dunno what it is about the 10 year mark but it seems like the magic number for so many couples. It's like the 10 year mark makes it or breaks it...it's like the first challenge. If you can make it past this point, you're on your way to the top. :) I sort of envision it like climbing Everest...in the beginning everyone is so excited to get started on their journey...they have all this energy...they're huffin' and puffin and pushing their way up their...and then 3 years pass. They've reached base-camp. Ok...cool...they have a child...a new life! Something new to focus on:) ...they keep moving...and then another child! :) But now they're getting higher up. It's getting colder...the air is thinner - it's harder to breathe. Things aren't so easy. The weight you carry is heavier...you have more baggage and it's starting to press down on you. There seems to be a drudgery to life and you find yourself dragging your heels. The mists envelope you and the routine of it all is becoming oppressive. The desire to turn around and give up is GREAT. I think that's where you and your husband are maybe...somewhere around Camp 2? Probably things are staaaale. You're in the fog. You're both tired...tired a lot. He nags, you nag - in essence, you're beat. You have ZERO energy. You can't see the top anymore. But! "This too shall pass."

Obviously, you're the stronger climber. ;) Ok. So what to do when things are rough? You keep going of course! One thing, is to jazz up the routine a bit. Try something new. I think BlueShadow suggested this. Try to do something, the two of you have NEVER done before, together. It has to be something neither of you have done. You need to both be on on unfamiliar ground. This is key. It will get you both to see each other with new eyes...because sometimes simply a change of environment gives us a new perspective on what was always there. I know you said money is tight. That's ok. Maybe the two of you can take a dance class together? Is that something your husband would be willing to try? Or perhaps bowling? I know that sounds kind of cheesy, but heck I love to bowl...some people enjoy it. Make sure whatever you do is an activity - not something passive like going to a movie or watching TV. Also, if it can span a few months, that'd be ideal...that's why I suggested dancing. In regards to your weight...don't focus on it. I know your husband is nagging you, and perhaps you feel low about it - but please don't. Weight is easy to lose. It's the inside that is hard to work on. If you know how to lose weight it's easy...so don't stress over that...try checking out those sites some folks mentioned. :) Remember, weight comes and goes...it doesn't define who you are. And perhaps you guys can create a budget together? Like a team-effort? My brother and his wife often had money issues (he's tight and she likes to spend) so they worked on this together and it really benefited from having this common, visual goal. Saving money can actually be fun when you have a plan! :) HTH!


#10

[quote="BlueSprite, post:9, topic:218313"]
I dunno what it is about the 10 year mark but it seems like the magic number for so many couples. It's like the 10 year mark makes it or breaks it...it's like the first challenge. If you can make it past this point, you're on your way to the top. :) I sort of envision it like climbing Everest...in the beginning everyone is so excited to get started on their journey...they have all this energy...they're huffin' and puffin and pushing their way up their...and then 3 years pass. They've reached base-camp. Ok...cool...they have a child...a new life! Something new to focus on:) ...they keep moving...and then another child! :) But now they're getting higher up. It's getting colder...the air is thinner - it's harder to breathe. Things aren't so easy. The weight you carry is heavier...you have more baggage and it's starting to press down on you. There seems to be a drudgery to life and you find yourself dragging your heels. The mists envelope you and the routine of it all is becoming oppressive. The desire to turn around and give up is GREAT. I think that's where you and your husband are maybe...somewhere around Camp 2? Probably things are staaaale. You're in the fog. You're both tired...tired a lot. He nags, you nag - in essence, you're beat. You have ZERO energy. You can't see the top anymore. But! "This too shall pass."

Obviously, you're the stronger climber. ;) Ok. So what to do when things are rough? You keep going of course! One thing, is to jazz up the routine a bit. Try something new. I think BlueShadow suggested this. Try to do something, the two of you have NEVER done before, together. It has to be something neither of you have done. You need to both be on on unfamiliar ground. This is key. It will get you both to see each other with new eyes...because sometimes simply a change of environment gives us a new perspective on what was always there. I know you said money is tight. That's ok. Maybe the two of you can take a dance class together? Is that something your husband would be willing to try? Or perhaps bowling? I know that sounds kind of cheesy, but heck I love to bowl...some people enjoy it. Make sure whatever you do is an activity - not something passive like going to a movie or watching TV. Also, if it can span a few months, that'd be ideal...that's why I suggested dancing. In regards to your weight...don't focus on it. I know your husband is nagging you, and perhaps you feel low about it - but please don't. Weight is easy to lose. It's the inside that is hard to work on. If you know how to lose weight it's easy...so don't stress over that...try checking out those sites some folks mentioned. :) Remember, weight comes and goes...it doesn't define who you are. And perhaps you guys can create a budget together? Like a team-effort? My brother and his wife often had money issues (he's tight and she likes to spend) so they worked on this together and it really benefited from having this common, visual goal. Saving money can actually be fun when you have a plan! :) HTH!

[/quote]

You suggested something dramatic and new to try. OP: Are either of you guys dare devils? I could suggest sky diving or climbing a mountain. You will never forget that experience especially since you went through it with your husband.


#11

I like the suggestion of doing something fun together.

My husband and I went to a place and zip-lined. It was alot of fun. My husband looked at me after the first couple of zips and standing on these small little platforms way up in the trees and said, "This really doesn't bother you at all, does it?" He seemed impressed when he said it. There were a couple of families in our group and the moms and daughters were all acting silly and scared and had to take deep breathes and be urged to go each time. We were securely attached the whole time either to the platforms or on the line.

Anyway my point is that my husband saw something in me that day that he hadn't before. He saw me step up to zip-lines with no hesitation and then step off the platforms at each zip and it impressed him. So if you could find something that would make your DH see you differently or remind him of why he fell in love, that would be what you're looking for.

If you really can't afford to do something like that, just find a way to take time for yourselves. If he has a problem with your weight, do like someone else suggested and go for a family walk. That way he is part of it and sees the effort you are putting into it.

Ultimately though, you mentioned depression on his part. That is really what needs to be worked on and if he isn't willing to get help that's a problem. I like the idea of talking to your priest if your husband is willing. Maybe the priest can move him toward going to counseling or getting more help.

You are in my prayers.
Melissa


#12

I second Retrouvaille. I know of several couples who went through this program when their marriages were about to crash to pieces. They rediscovered each other, broke the negative communication loop, and now have marriages that are stronger than ever.

retrouvaille.org/


#13

I have sent for information for a retreat in my area. We're in a tough place right now and not sure hubby has the fortitude to get through it. Thank you.


#14

[quote="forest1970, post:1, topic:218313"]
My husband doesn't want to be with me anymore. He has some depression issues I think (which he doesn't see and doesn't want counseling). He is not attracted to me anymore and there is financial issues in the mix. We had a lot of problems and while we probably should have not let it get as far as it has gone, we have been married for 10 years and have two kids. He wants to end it like I said, but he said he would be willing to stay another year but it's not for us, but for money reasons. Either way, I am hoping for us to get back on track some how. I am trying to work on my weight which is one of his biggest complains. I have to do that for me too though because I am unhealthy. I hate it, but it's something I have to do. The other complaint (money) I can't do anything about, but still I am hoping something good will happen for us in this next year (provided that he doesn't change his mind on giving it a year - he changes his mind a lot on these kinds of things). I just don't know how to bring love back into our marriage. That may seem like a stupid question but if anyone has any answers or suggestions, I am open to them. Thanks.

[/quote]

Well, others have given you some ideas toward hope, the only other thing that I can think of would be to get him to go to a Retrouvaille session. I have heard good things about them but with my 20 year marriage, my wife refused to go. Anyway, I'd like to suggest too, that if "he" is actually going to hang around for a year more, that you "hope for the best and prepare for the worst." Should he refuse to continue in the marriage you need to have a plan in place, some money set aside, and a means bywhich to take care of yourself and the children. I'll pray for both of you. Take care and God bless.


#15

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