I long for Jesus Christ. I have experimented with all kinds of different religions and different spiritual techniques over the years, many of which have given me incredible and profound insights and spiritual experiences beyond anything I could have imagined. None of the other spiritual experiences I have had, really mean anything to me, if they don’t lead me to him, because to him my heart belongs.
Unfortunately however, I feel as though my relationship with Jesus has been damaged over the years due to my great struggle with sin. I fear God greatly and am terrified at the thought of his wrath. I can’t help but think of the time he struck Uzzah dead simply because he reached out to steady the Ark, then I think of some of the things I have done and I feel hopeless, like I will surely end up in the lake of fire, because I am weak and have a tendency to sin.
I know that the love of Jesus can heal me, if only I allow him into my heart. But I feel like something is blocking me or holding me back and I dont even know what it is. I trust that he forgives me after I go to confession, but somehow I dont feel forgiven and this is what I mean by saying I need to heal my relationship with him. You see I have grown so used to looking myself as a dirty, despicable, wretched sinner who does not even deserve to think about Jesus that I find that I continue thinking myself in that manner even after I leave the confessional. I then have to keep reminding myself that I am forgiven, but it seems as though I have developed a fear of Jesus as pertaining to him as just judge. Because I am afraid of him, I am unwilling to truly give myself to him or put my trust in his love and at least I think this is the reason I feel so distant from him and yet long for him day and night. When I go to adoration, I can always feel his wonderful presence washing over and lightening my burdens but I am still afraid to really open the door to my heart and let him in. I am afraid I am just too wretched inside and I need to become pure first I guess? But then I never seem to attain purify I hunt for. I am depressed and afraid of Jesus and I am so frustrated at my own failure to not sin. I dont even enjoy sinning half the time anymore and then I feel so much guilt afterward, yet for some reaoson I sill commit sins.