How to help my male friend who has unintentionally conceived a child with his girlfriend


#1

hello,

I'm here to ask advice for my friend. I am 20, he is 21 and his girlfriend is 21 as well. The two have been dating for perhaps 8 months, and he spent Christmas Break with her in her home country of Russia. There a child was conceived under intoxicated circumstances. He just found out today, and they both want to keep the child. They are trying to secure a visa for her to come to the United States under a fiancee visa plan, whereupon the couple must be married within 90 days of the foreigner's arrival.

He has asked me to be a godfather to the child, which I will readily do. They want to be married before the expecting date, which is sometime in September. He is a practicing Roman Catholic and she is Eastern Orthodox.

He comes from a stable family, and they have both agreed it would be best to raise the child in the United States.

Is there anything I should do? Is there anything I must do to ensure a good outcome to such a predicament? I know this does not directly affect me, but I feel that I should help the child be born into the best circumstances possible.


#2

Um, this sounds a bit confusing, so forgive me if I am off topic.

If they're going to get married, and want you as a godparent, why the heck does how the baby was concieved matter?

I'd say go for it. They're going to get married, give it a shot....they made a mistake, yes-but we all have.


#3

[quote="Rascalking, post:2, topic:186518"]
, why the heck does how the baby was concieved matter?
.

[/quote]

I think it's a pretty relevant piece of information, considering they are young, live in different countries and may have to go through a few logistical hoops to secure a marriage. If they were already married, there wouldn't be a problem and this thread wouldn't have been created


#4

My advice would be to make sure they're getting married out of love for one another, and not solely because they're expecting a child.


#5

Pray! Pray for your friend, who is doing a very wonderful and courageous thing, and his soon-to-be wife, and the child they are preparing to welcome.

I’d let your friend know that you’re willing to help him with anything he needs right now, as this must be a chaotic time. Helping with moving comes to mind. Just ask what you can do.


#6

[quote="ChiRho, post:1, topic:186518"]
hello,
Is there anything I should do? Is there anything I must do to ensure a good outcome to such a predicament? I know this does not directly affect me, but I feel that I should help the child be born into the best circumstances possible.

[/quote]

What you should do it pray to God that they follow His will and that you set a good example for your God child.

There is nothing you must do to ensure a good outcome. That is God's role. Pray everyone will see what God wants the outcome to be.

CM


#7

How did they meet? Were they attending college together with her as a foreign student? I am guessing not if she is trying to secure a fiancee visa… Was that Christmas break time the only time they spent together?

Is her family in Russia well off? My biggest concern in any such situation would be that he is being used by her as a way to get a US citizenship.

Dating for 8 months at that age doesn’t sound like enough time to discern marriage. If he is a faithful Catholic, he’d be in big trouble when she left him provided the marriage was valid.

If I were him, I would even doubt the baby was mine. It could be it’s another guy’s baby she is using to get citizenship.

But then, if you can’t tell, I am generally a pretty distrustful and cynical person.


#8

definitely something to think about. They worked together over the summer, and then maintained their relationship online when they weren’t physically able to be together.


#9

[quote="ChiRho, post:8, topic:186518"]
definitely something to think about. They worked together over the summer, and then maintained their relationship online when they weren't physically able to be together.

[/quote]

Where did they work? What does she do?


#10

[quote="flyingfish, post:9, topic:186518"]
Where did they work? What does she do?

[/quote]

they worked at a summer job. (you'll have to forgive me for not being perfectly precise)


#11

[quote="ChiRho, post:10, topic:186518"]
they worked at a summer job. (you'll have to forgive me for not being perfectly precise)

[/quote]

That's fine, I'm only trying to see what position she's coming from. If she's from a wealthy family and if her life is filled with opportunities then there's no reason to worry that she's using him.


#12

[quote="flyingfish, post:11, topic:186518"]
That's fine, I'm only trying to see what position she's coming from. If she's from a wealthy family and if her life is filled with opportunities then there's no reason to worry that she's using him.

[/quote]

she's not poor, so I agree, but that's certainly something that must be kept in mind. You can never be too careful I suppose


#13

[quote="ChiRho, post:3, topic:186518"]
I think it's a pretty relevant piece of information, considering they are young, live in different countries and may have to go through a few logistical hoops to secure a marriage. If they were already married, there wouldn't be a problem and this thread wouldn't have been created

[/quote]

Um...no.

It's totally irrelevant. Whe deprive the kid of a wonderful godparent just because he was ::gasp:: concieved in an unconvential way? It's not the unborn kids fault!


#14

You can even be a Godparent to a child of a single parent if you wish (my husband and I are). Baptized children born outside of marriage need good Godparents too. While their situation certainly matters to them and their child, it doesn't inhibit in anyway you be a Godparent as long as the child is being baptized in the Catholic church.


#15

[quote="Rascalking, post:13, topic:186518"]
Um...no.

It's totally irrelevant. Whe deprive the kid of a wonderful godparent just because he was ::gasp:: concieved in an unconvential way? It's not the unborn kids fault!

[/quote]

I would think the question wouldn't be the child's situation, but the parents - as in, are they actually in a position to fulfill the promises that they will need to make to raise the child Catholic? While I am the godparent of a wonderful girl whose parents weren't married at the time (they married a few years later, after discerning to be sure they weren't just marrying because of the pregnancy), I did need to consider if it was reasonable that the child would be raised Catholic by the parents. Conception out of wedlock is reason to doubt that the parents take their faith seriously (although obviously I don't consider it a litmus test). In that case, the mother was a strong, devoted Catholic and the father was a cafeteria-Protestant - so it seemed quite likely that the child would be raised with her mother's Catholic faith no matter what happened with her parents' relationship.

In this case, however, with the father being Catholic, it makes sense to ponder if the parents are truly committed - since, if they divorce later, the mother will probably raise the child in her own faith, Eastern Orthodox. It's not the only thing to consider, for sure, but it's worth some thought. If it does seem like it might be an issue, the OP might want to continue discerning with a priest.


#16

will they be marrying in a Roman Catholic church or Orthodox? Will the child be baptized Catholic or Orthodox? Or perhaps Byzantine Catholic?


#17

Has he had testing done to know that this child is his?


#18

[quote="Rascalking, post:13, topic:186518"]
Um...no. It's totally irrelevant. Whe deprive the kid of a wonderful godparent just because he was ::gasp:: concieved in an unconvential way? It's not the unborn kids fault!

[/quote]

[quote="rayne89, post:14, topic:186518"]
You can even be a Godparent to a child of a single parent if you wish (my husband and I are). Baptized children born outside of marriage need good Godparents too. While their situation certainly matters to them and their child, it doesn't inhibit in anyway you be a Godparent as long as the child is being baptized in the Catholic church.

[/quote]

Agreed.

[quote="BrokenFortress, post:4, topic:186518"]
My advice would be to make sure they're getting married out of love for one another, and not solely because they're expecting a child.

[/quote]

Also agreed. Both parents have responsibilities to the child, but they do not have to be married to each other to keep them. If they marry only under duress, the consent is dubious.


#19

Hee hee. I don’t think any of us should apply litmus tests to how serious someone takes their faith.

It is reason to doubt, I partially agree with that. All of us need to remember that it is also a reminder that we are all human-that means we do commit sins. Deeply pious and faithful Christians are not immune from that temptation-they fall too. If they don’t admit that they are tempted by all sins, then I doubt they are really as pious as they seem.


#20

I would go a step farther and say those who are the most pious are also those who are the most tempted.


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