How to learn how to have sex?

I know this probably already sounds like a troll thread but I promise it isn’t…embarassing, yes…troll, no.:blush:

My wife and I have never had sex with anyone else and to be honest, we aren’t very knowledgeable about it…fortunately, porn isn’t an issue although maybe we would have some clue of what we are supposed to be doing if it had been something we had seen in the past…LOL… The thing is that while we obviously know how to have sex, we really don’t know how to figure out some more ‘advanced’ stuff about it. Like how to make certain things happen at the same time…or more easily for her for that matter…or how to keep certain things from happening too soon:blush::o we have no desire to do anything to learn that would compromise our faith, so how do we learn what you are doing without seeing or reading or watching things that we shouldn’t? It’s not exactly something that you can ask a friend or parent for advice…so thank heaven for Internet anonymity!

Please help…and try not to laugh too much…

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For the first part of the bolded statement, trust me, even experts don’t have that one figured out. It isn’t easy and there’s no mechanism that just brings simultenous orgasm about.
For the second part, as for everything else, practice makes perfect. But do communicate!
And be patient with each other. It’s not easy to communicate sexual needs or desires usually because you do not want to make the other person feel inadequate, but if you both are willing to admit that you can use some “lessons” than it will be easier to figure out what you need to do and how to do it.

Oh, and don’t jump from one thing to the next to the next all in one session hoping to just find a solution. Take your time, enjoy. Sex is not a performance.

This is one case where Allen Iverson is wrong. I’m talkin’ about practice here and practice is indeed important. You don’t need books or pictures and you sure as heck don’t need pornography. Trust me when on that last part since I’ve got plenty of experience in that; didn’t help me one iota in the bedroom and nearly destroyed my marriage.

What does help is practice. And communication. You’re married. It’s ok to ask what works and what doesn’t in very specific ways. Just do that and keep on practicing. It’s a far more enjoyable experience than a basketball training session.

Practice, practice, practice!

Seriously,though- take it slow, talk to each other, and don’t set your expectations too high. You’ll find your “rhythm”, as you discover each other. It just gets better and better, if you let it.

Well practice sounds great and all…but how do you know what you are supposed to be practicing? What if she doesn’t really know what to tell me to do? What if we really just don’t have ideas for things to try? Where do you learn ‘ok if you hold your pelvis at this particular angle…’ or ‘try x, that typically is a good place to start and build from’?

This is so frustrating and embarassing to have to ask this stuff!

THIS. :thumbsup:

This is not something to be embarrassed about. You are allowed to talk about it and be frank about it. Ask if you can try something new, or something differently. Ask if your wife has a preference (and don’t think that a preference for one thing now means that it will always be there!) Invite her to share her own thoughts. If she says to not do something or do something differently, try to accommodate her. Ask her to be just as open with you. Sometimes these things can be communicated “in the moment” with words or not, and sometimes before or after is the time. The important thing is that you and your wife are open to talking about it.

And if something funny or unexpected happens, it’s OK to laugh - provided you and your wife know you aren’t laughing at each other! Some of the most hilarious moments of our marriage have happened in the bedroom and believe me, they were not on purpose. Even though they’re not the perfectly planned, rose petal on the bed romantic experiences, being able to laugh about those moments is something really intimate that my husband and I share.

Good luck - and practice really DOES make perfect!


If she doesn’t know what to tell you to do, you can always try something and just straight up ask if it feels good. Or ask her to tell you if it doesn’t. Maybe use your experiences so far with her for ideas. If you have particular “erogenous zones” that you’ve noticed (obviously apart from your differing parts;)), maybe think that she might like attention to those as well. If you like a certain kind of touch, ask if it would be okay if you tried touching her in a similar way. These are starting points, of course - if it doesn’t “work” for her, then think about how you can change what you’re doing.

You can also pray about this. Alone or together. :slight_smile:

If you want an external resource, I found this book to be very helpful. I would encourage reading it with your wife.

I can’t help it…I feel stupid and inadequate and like less of a man (or not much of one at all) for even having to consider starting this thread.

And what if you just never even get enough practice to remotely get good at it? I’m afraid that there will never be enough incentive for her to continue to be patient with me and keep trying if it’s not good enough for her.

Well, firstly let’s get one thing straight: it’s very good that you’re trying to do better for your beloved.

Marriage is not just all about children, it is also about the love, support and mutual comfort of each other, and as part of that, the sexual function is important as it is a unitive element in the relationship. So the more you want to do that better, the better you become at doing it, if that makes sense. At least, providing you don’t get stressed about it.

I think the best thing you and your wife can do is to let go of the questions and simply explore each other’s bodies.

No two people will have the same erogenous zones or react the same way to stimuli - some people might be ticklish to the point of it being unbearable agony, while others would find it enjoyable for example: this you can only find out by trying, being aware of the responses of your partner and stopping if one of you doesn’t like whatever is taking place.

Maybe there are books out there for Catholic couples, I don’t know. I wouldn’t bother much with them personally, simply relax with your beloved and have fun with each other. Practise. Enjoy. Do whatever you do with love in your hearts for each other. HAVE FUN. It will draw you together more than any supposed “correct” way to do things.

That is a good answer.

Trying to find the “right” way to do it will get you nowhere. If you stress with getting it “right” and fail to just relax and enjoy, you will never reach the level of intimacy you wish to get.

This isn’t a job; it should be mostly recreational.

Therefore, just let go and spend time with your spouse. You don’t need to spend all your time sexually active; just learn to love spending time with each other in general, and then attempts in the bedroom can be attempted without discomfort.

Speaking of which, are you recently married? That’s what I’ve been guessing.

No, we have been married a while. And that is what makes this even more difficult and stressful and embarassing…

No laughing here. First, try Amazon or the library. You’ll find lots of books about this because it’s a pretty common issue. I think it’s okay to watch whatever you want that is instructive, as long as you avoid sodomy and I doubt you are interested. But porn isn’t very instructive, no subtlety.

Guys learn to put off the moment by thinking of other things very often - or just stopping and telling their partner to stop - take a breath, think about football… it takes practice.

But seriously, don’t just google this or you’ll end up with a bunch of bizarre results, but go to Amazon or Barnes and Noble and search for sex self help. There are going to be some books aimed just at women understanding their own sexual response. Read them together.

Also, if you see something on TV or in a movie or read in a book one of your finds stimulating, tell each other about that! Give it a try. Have fun with this.

I agree with this too. Don’t be disappointed if you try a few things and you don’t get “the results” you want right away. I don’t know if all women are like this, but I do think it is a tendency that is more likely among women than men: we can thoroughly enjoy lovemaking even if we don’t orgasm. Of course it’s nice (more than nice :)), but I don’t equate “no orgasm” to “failure” when it comes to sex. I do not evaluate my husband’s sexual performance (and I definitely don’t share “notes” with my friends!) Over time, we’ve gotten “better” at the technical aspects, sure, but that only happened because we were willing to communicate, and know that it wasn’t going to be perfect every time. And it still isn’t - kids wake up, or you remember that you left the stove on…:rolleyes:

Forget about simultaneous orgasm for now. As JPII noted, it is a holy grail of a good sex life, and the odd occasion where you achieve it it’s lovely, but in reality you’ll just introduce stress if you worry too much about it, and stress isn’t good when trying to “keep certain things from happening too soon”.

Regarding the other issues…how to please her more…and how to control yourself better…there are many resources on the internet that you could try. This can be problematic to a degree, given the amount of porn out there, but there are more discrete sites that don’t use inappropriate images etc and just provide useful information to couples wanting to improve their sex lives. You can learn about various positions you can try, with cartoon illustrations, and advice on how to please your wife through certain foreplay techniques. There aren’t Catholic sources for such things (that I know of), but I don’t see anything wrong with a married couple utilising discrete secular sources in order to improve their marital relations.

Regarding how to improve male stamina, there are also sources that discuss this. Kegels (pelvic floor exercises) can help, and you can learn about sexual positions that help too. Some positions (eg missionary) put a lot of strain/tension on the man’s body and this is known to increase the risk of finishing too soon. Variations of woman on top or side-by-side are known to be better. Also, consider your physical conditioning in general. If you’re out of shape, you’ll have less control of your body in general. Some regular exercise can help you become better at controlling all the muscles in your body, and thereby having greater control when you need it.

And as others have said…plenty of practise.

Well, think about this: if she did something that you either really enjoyed or really did not enjoy, would you tell her? If so, why don’t you think she would do the same for you? More than practice, open communication is key, andthat is a two way street. Say to her, “Do you enjoy our sex life?” She’s your wife and will probably tell you the truth.

The two of you will discover new things together, but only if you remember to talk to one another.

Okay - we shouldn’t get too specific here, but until you get some books that will be very specific with pictures - try this. Get some nice oil, like baby oil. Start at her toes after she’s bathed and lying on her back comfortably… do not aim to have intercourse, this is just instructive. Now - slowly start massaging the oil in from the toes up.

Turn on the lights - take your time exploring gently the … interesting areas. If she cannot articulate, she can guide your hand. This is fun. Then you’ll both find out some stuff she likes.

And - it’s a very very good idea if she takes a turn doing this to you. Might have to be another night. You lie still, let her do her thing.

This usually ends up in intercourse, but you want to hold off as long as possible.

Now go get some books written by experts.

This breaks my heart. :frowning: You are NOT inadequate! You did things the right way by waiting until marriage. And you’ve never defiled yourself with porn? You are so lucky! Please don’t beat up on yourself. This is how marriage is supposed to be. I’d take an unexperienced man over a man who knows “tricks” from past partners, porn or masturbation. :confused: Enjoy this time getting to explore and learn about each other. Also share your concerns with your wife. I’m sure she feels awkward as well since it’s new for her too. I bet she will appreciate that you take the marital embrace so seriously. God bless!

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Can you tell us where in Church doctrine or Theology of the Body this is allowed? Sounds like very bad advice.

I don’t want anyone to think that I am a better man than I am, so I should confess that I have looked at porn, but thankfully it has been so many years ago that I don’t remember a thing about it and it was never something that was an addiction. And unfortunately I didn’t wait for marriage, but I was no good back then either. Sorry to disappoint you about me but it wasn’t fair to misrepresent myself. I wish I could change both of those things. Maybe this is my penance…

It does sound a little like walking right past the hell-gate of pornography.

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