How to tell my husband?


#1

My Dh and I got married outside the church 6 yrs ago. I returned to the Church last year and we had our marriage convalidated last August. I told him around that time that I felt we shouldn’t be having oral sex, he was very upset with me. After a few months of being strong, I started to qualify certain times of the month as okay, such as when I was on my period. (this is strictly me pleasing him during that time) I tried to convince myself that since I was doing it to please my Dh and it wasn’t a fertile time of the month, then it was okay.

Needless to say, I continued to have feelings of guilt, shame and the sense that God was very displeased with me. I became pregnant in March of this year and the nausea kicked in severely, leaving the thought of any oral pleasure just disgusting to me. My Dh understood this, and has hoped that as soon as I feel better, that our oral stuff could continue. Well, I have since been praying and I just cannot continue to disobey any longer. My nausea has recently subsided and my Dh has continued to hint at the subject. I don’t know how to tell him this time that those actions can no longer be apart of our marriage. — I didn’t mention earlier but my Dh is NOT catholic and doesn’t really believe in conformed religion so therefore disregards anything put in the context of “well the ccc says…”

I need suggestions and prayers.


#2

Someone will come along who is better versed than I, but my understanding is that oral sex, as part of foreplay is acceptable. It is NOT to be done to completion on the man. Meaning, he must finish in the form of vaginal intercourse. Even if you are on your period, you should not use oral sex as a substitute, it completely negates the concept of sex being "unitive and procreative".

I understand that since you're pregnant, the procreative part is complete for the time being, but the guidelines still stand.

Oral sex can be done to the woman to completion, if it is part of foreplay or after play for vaginal intercourse to completion.

Hope this helps-- and congrats on your pregnancy! May the rest of your pregnancy pass along with out anymore morning sickness!


#3

[quote="familyof4, post:2, topic:242370"]
Someone will come along who is better versed than I, but my understanding is that oral sex, as part of foreplay is acceptable. It is NOT to be done to completion on the man. Meaning, he must finish in the form of vaginal intercourse. Even if you are on your period, you should not use oral sex as a substitute, it completely negates the concept of sex being "unitive and procreative".

I understand that since you're pregnant, the procreative part is complete for the time being, but the guidelines still stand.

Oral sex can be done to the woman to completion, if it is part of foreplay or after play for vaginal intercourse to completion.

Hope this helps-- and congrats on your pregnancy! May the rest of your pregnancy pass along with out anymore morning sickness!

[/quote]

Thank you for your response. I understand what the church teaches on this and I am not talking about foreplay....I am talking about times set aside to please my Dh only. No sex involved. I am looking for help as to how to approach my Dh about this issue. Thanks again for your post.


#4

It isn’t surprising that he is unmoved by what the catechism says. Well, fine, that has to be coped with. Don’t forget that this is also about what you do and don’t want to do. IOW, you may want to treat this as you would anything else in the category of evolving sexual appetite, desire, and tolerance. Religion is hardly the only thing that changes a person’s mind about their expectations in the marital bed. This is a common issue in enduring marriages of all kinds.

This can be tricky business to talk about, because you want to preserve peace in your marriage. You don’t want to hurt his feelings, you don’t want to provoke him and perhaps have him hurt yours. You don’t want this to become a battleground subject, but an issue that is addressed with two-way communication and give-and-take. It might be worth talking to someone with a professional background about how to go about making this change in the sexual habits within your marriage in a constructive way that has the greatest chance of success with the lowest chance of collateral damage.


#5

[quote="Mamanurse, post:3, topic:242370"]
Thank you for your response. I understand what the church teaches on this and I am not talking about foreplay....I am talking about times set aside to please my Dh only. No sex involved. I am looking for help as to how to approach my Dh about this issue. Thanks again for your post.

[/quote]

You mean "no intercourse," as oral sex is still sex. Well, unless you are a certain ex-President...:blush:


#6

May I suggest that you remind him that although he may not believe in organized religion that he did convalidate your marriage in the Church and that by doing this he did make certain promises to not interfere with your practice of your faith. Surely a promise is a promise no matter what your belief in organized religion is. Therefore, if it can be shown that you doing these actions is interfering with you practicing your faith then he is breaking that promise and should work to keep his promise - just as you need to work to keep your promise by not succumbing to lustful desires within the marriage. (I am not saying you are but it may be helpful to communication to take some responsibility here as well.) Best of luck and God bless.


#7

This is all very true. Having said that, IMHO, I think this is better presented as a “we have a problem between us to work on” than “the Church and I have a problem with you, and the Church is dictating everything, so get on board or stay at the station, because neither of us is in charge here.” You don’t want to give your spouse the impression that it is the Church that is raising this issue. The Church tells you what is right and wrong, but you yourself must decide within your domestic church that “As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” (Josh. 24:15)

It is his wife, the OP, that is raising the issue, about what she wants and needs, about her own spiritual and moral sense of things. It is an emotional issue for her and a profoundly personal issue for her, not just a “these are the rules from somewhere out there, and you signed on the dotted line, so as much as I’d love to accomodate you, no more of your favorite monkey business for us.”

That is not to say that he might not resent the Church over this either way, but it is actually the most honest to say, “This is coming from me, from what I want to do.”


#8

[quote="EasterJoy, post:7, topic:242370"]
This is all very true. Having said that, IMHO, I think this is better presented as a "we have a problem between us to work on" than "the Church and I have a problem with you, and the Church is dictating everything, so get on board or stay at the station, because neither of us is in charge here." You don't want to give your spouse the impression that it is the Church that is raising this issue. The Church tells you what is right and wrong, but you yourself must decide within your domestic church that "As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." (Josh. 24:15)

It is his wife, the OP, that is raising the issue, about what she wants and needs, about her own spiritual and moral sense of things. It is an emotional issue for her and a profoundly personal issue for her, not just a "these are the rules from somewhere out there, and you signed on the dotted line, so as much as I'd love to accomodate you, no more of your favorite monkey business for us."

That is not to say that he might not resent the Church over this either way, but it is actually the most honest to say, "This is coming from me, from what I want to do."

[/quote]

I agree with this. A person who doesn't believe in God can still understand that being a giving lover does not mean doing things in the bedroom that make you feel terrible.


#9

I agree. Given that you can’t discuss this from the perspective of your faith, then you have to do it from the other angle, which is that the act makes you uncomfortable. Hopefully he will be able to understand that. He will probably want to know what cased the change, so think of the way you will phrase that. Good luck and God bless.


#10

[quote="EasterJoy, post:7, topic:242370"]
This is all very true. Having said that, IMHO, I think this is better presented as a "we have a problem between us to work on" than "the Church and I have a problem with you, and the Church is dictating everything, so get on board or stay at the station, because neither of us is in charge here." You don't want to give your spouse the impression that it is the Church that is raising this issue. The Church tells you what is right and wrong, but you yourself must decide within your domestic church that "As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." (Josh. 24:15)

It is his wife, the OP, that is raising the issue, about what she wants and needs, about her own spiritual and moral sense of things. It is an emotional issue for her and a profoundly personal issue for her, not just a "these are the rules from somewhere out there, and you signed on the dotted line, so as much as I'd love to accomodate you, no more of your favorite monkey business for us."

That is not to say that he might not resent the Church over this either way, but it is actually the most honest to say, "This is coming from me, from what I want to do."

[/quote]

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom! I really appreciate that you understand that my Dh will not take anything that I say with the context, the church says.....I really like your approach and will pray for guidance as I broach this subject with him. Thanks again.


#11

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:5, topic:242370"]
You mean "no intercourse," as oral sex is still sex. Well, unless you are a certain ex-President...:blush:

[/quote]

Yes, I am sorry, I meant no intercourse and only oral. (i'm trying to be as discreet as possible with this thread, but unfortunately I am asking about a intimate issue) :o


#12

[quote="Mamanurse, post:11, topic:242370"]
Yes, I am sorry, I meant no intercourse and only oral. (i'm trying to be as discreet as possible with this thread, but unfortunately I am asking about a intimate issue) :o

[/quote]

This is an issue for me as well. There are several things that have been a standard part of our intimacy that are a problem for me now. I don't know how to address it since our marriage is not in good condition at all. I just confess it, and pray.:blush:


#13

[quote="Mamanurse, post:1, topic:242370"]
My Dh and I got married outside the church 6 yrs ago. I returned to the Church last year and we had our marriage convalidated last August. I told him around that time that I felt we shouldn't be having oral sex, he was very upset with me. After a few months of being strong, I started to qualify certain times of the month as okay, such as when I was on my period. (this is strictly me pleasing him during that time) I tried to convince myself that since I was doing it to please my Dh and it wasn't a fertile time of the month, then it was okay.

Needless to say, I continued to have feelings of guilt, shame and the sense that God was very displeased with me. I became pregnant in March of this year and the nausea kicked in severely, leaving the thought of any oral pleasure just disgusting to me. My Dh understood this, and has hoped that as soon as I feel better, that our oral stuff could continue. Well, I have since been praying and I just cannot continue to disobey any longer. My nausea has recently subsided and my Dh has continued to hint at the subject. I don't know how to tell him this time that those actions can no longer be apart of our marriage. --- I didn't mention earlier but my Dh is NOT catholic and doesn't really believe in conformed religion so therefore disregards anything put in the context of "well the ccc says....."

I need suggestions and prayers.

[/quote]

You are in a difficult situation.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! new life is a blesisng!

Sex in marriage should be wonderful. It should not be something that causes distress, either with a physical gag reflex or a bout of guilt.

Sex is meant to be a complete giving of yourself to your spouse. You gift your body to him and he gifts his body to you. He is supposed to please you. So from this perspective, your husband requiring you to perform oral sex for his pleasure only is selfish and contrary to the purpose of the act he desires. You can gift yourself to him for this particular act only if he gifts himself to you with vaginal intercourse.

I hope this helps.


#14

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:12, topic:242370"]
This is an issue for me as well. There are several things that have been a standard part of our intimacy that are a problem for me now. I don't know how to address it since our marriage is not in good condition at all. I just confess it, and pray.:blush:

[/quote]

Well, I am glad I am not alone. I feel though that while confessing as it is good and necessary, it is only a meaningful confession if I promise to or at least try not to do that same sin again. It hit me hard when I told my Dh I was going to confession and he said "well since its been so long since we've done anything orally you at least won't have to confess that". When he said that it made me realize how little I was trying not to sin again, and too how little he understood about confession. :(


#15

People who have not been to confession can be rather flippant about it. Try not to take it too hard.


#16

[quote="Mamanurse, post:14, topic:242370"]
Well, I am glad I am not alone. I feel though that while confessing as it is good and necessary, it is only a meaningful confession if I promise to or at least try not to do that same sin again. It hit me hard when I told my Dh I was going to confession and he said "well since its been so long since we've done anything orally you at least won't have to confess that". When he said that it made me realize how little I was trying not to sin again, and too how little he understood about confession. :(

[/quote]

You and I are trying not to do the same sin again. We have a challenge in that our husbands are not with us in that goal. And neither of our husbands would be happy if we flat-out told them, "The Church says this is wrong and the only way to have sex is this way. Therefore, no more x, y and z. Too bad, so sad."

I definitely need to find a way to talk to my husband about this whole subject. It is more global than just one act. I do not know if that is better or worse than if it were just that one act.

I still sin, a lot. I have a lot of things to confess every week. I am grateful for the sacrament so I can be clean to receive that evening.


#17

TheRealJuliane;.

I still sin, a lot. I have a lot of things to confess every week. I am grateful for the sacrament so I can be clean to receive that evening.

*Juliane, why do you put yourself in a box? Past sins should not define your present state, or make you give up in advance. Whenever you go to confession you go with the intent of not sinning again in that area, no?
Or do you keep sinning to keep the peace? ( a false peace of couse which creates resentment and hardens the soul.)
I hope you will have courage to take responsibility for these things, and really also take the talk with your husband. *


#18

[quote="GraceDK, post:17, topic:242370"]

*Juliane, why do you put yourself in a box? Past sins should not define your present state, or make you give up in advance. Whenever you go to confession you go with the intent of not sinning again in that area, no?
Or do you keep sinning to keep the peace? ( a false peace of couse which creates resentment and hardens the soul.)
I hope you will have courage to take responsibility for these things, and really also take the talk with your husband. *

[/quote]

Hi Grace, thank you for your concern and kindness. I wasn't only referring to my sexual sins! I do a lot of stuff that merits confession! I'm not holy. I pray for the courage to talk about this to my husband, but you realize that he will not receive anything that comes from the Church with a positive response...

I just got this book last night...If You Really Loved Me and I'm only one chapter in, but I love it so far. Jason Evert talks about how we don't have to think of our impure past if we are living chastely. My son needs to know this too, I got the book for him but I actually need it more. I don't believe my husband is capable of understanding this issue and how deep it goes into me, but God is changing me from the inside out anyway or I never would have put a stop to some things we'd been doing. Actually pretty much our whole intimate life has been based on lust, well, all of it really because we were never in the right spiritual condition to be intimate. I keep yearning for intimacy with him but then I have to just give it up to Jesus.

Anyway, I don''t know if that helps you understand where I am. Today is a new day. Thanks again for your concern! :)


#19

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:18, topic:242370"]
Hi Grace, thank you for your concern and kindness. I wasn't only referring to my sexual sins! I do a lot of stuff that merits confession! I'm not holy. I pray for the courage to talk about this to my husband, but you realize that he will not receive anything that comes from the Church with a positive response...

I just got this book last night...If You Really Loved Me and I'm only one chapter in, but I love it so far. Jason Evert talks about how we don't have to think of our impure past if we are living chastely. My son needs to know this too, I got the book for him but I actually need it more. I don't believe my husband is capable of understanding this issue and how deep it goes into me, but God is changing me from the inside out anyway or I never would have put a stop to some things we'd been doing. Actually pretty much our whole intimate life has been based on lust, well, all of it really because we were never in the right spiritual condition to be intimate. I keep yearning for intimacy with him but then I have to just give it up to Jesus.

Anyway, I don''t know if that helps you understand where I am. Today is a new day. Thanks again for your concern! :)

[/quote]

I am so happy you got that book for your son. Thats exactly what I hoped.
I still think it would be good to talk to your husband about those things.. without reference to the Church of course.


#20

I have no idea how to do that! According to the world, those things are absolutely fine and are no problem. Anything sexual that one wants to do is fine! No shame, right? Maybe I will get more inspiration from the book as I read it. Even if I don’t mention the Church, or God’s intentions for us, he would know where it came from because he thinks the Church causes women to become frigid. He thinks sex for Catholics is about guilt and shame. He has no idea that there is MUCH more to it than that. I want to put the shame down forever, but my viewpoint of sexual intimacy is not going to return to where it used to be. Ever.


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