[quote="Viki63, post:17, topic:283274"]
She really needs a therapeutic foster home, which unfortunately is not ours.
First thing to say is that you are doing a fantastic job by just being there for her. Have faith - your home is exactly the right place for her. Trust in God! He gives us no task without assisting us with his limitless grace!
Above all, this girl needs love, and stability. It sounds like she hasn't been able to experience many (if any) stable relationships in her life. But, you can be that stable relationship. There isn't going to be a short fix solution. Like our relationship with God, it'll take time, energy and grace. But slowly, be assured, just as our minds are being remade by God, so her mind will be remade, as she experiences love from you.
I beg of you - let her use your home, always be there for her. She needs this stability and love above anything. I imagine that her ability to form relationships has been 'messed up' from a very young age. She wont have developed the normal responses that we learn from our own parents. What I mean is this: when a child calls out, from their very beginning, they start learning about how people respond to them, and they use this as a model for their future relationships.
So, if when a child is distressed, and experiences loves and care, she will learn to expect love when distressed in the future, and therefore learn to respond with love to others who are distressed. However, if the child is responded to sometimes with love, and at other times is ignored, then, she wont know what to expect when she builds relationships in the future, and therefore will find it difficult to respond properly in the future.
It follows that if a child is responded to normally with nothing, or hate, or aggression, this new experience of love ,will be completely new, and she will not know how to act. She'll have built up bad emotional defences which will stop her opening up, (stop her appearing distressed in the future, for example). This then will become her model for future relationships: she wont open up easily, she wont know how to respond to love, etc.
So, in the case of this girl, depending on how she has been treated, she will react and respond to you differently. It sounds like she has acquired some of the defence mechanisms I mentioned above - being quite and subservient back at home might have allowed her to avoid abuse from her brother, and responding with aggression might have been the 'common' response whilst growing up to her needs (therefore, this is how she often responds is some circumstances).
Ah! There's a lot to read there already. I hope some of what I say is making sense!
I mentioned that you need to allow this girl to use your home in the future - it is vital for her to have this stability and opportunity to experience love, if she is to 'righten' her ability to form relationships. (Consequently, some of her difficulties will be being played out in her relationship with your son, but a little on that later...)
Now, I know that you don't want her to become a poor example to your own girl - without wanting to appear ignorant - I would tentatively suggest you take her aside and thoroughly explain everything: she can become a part of the healing process.
Encourage her to form a good relationship with this girl, whilst always making sure she is not led astray. Encourage her to use this time to go further into the faith, encourage her to question and find answers (Truth fears no question!), and grow spiritually. And, I assure you, your own girl will have no small part in the healing of this other, and indeed, this will equip her wonderfully for bringing peace to others!
I don't know what rules your son broke - but reconciliation between yourselves is fundamental. Fashion yourself in the image of God - God who tirelessly sought after us: after we broke his law, and who emptied himself, pouring his entire self out for us in love. Above all, calmly consider that we are all 'rule breakers', but, by the mercy of God, have been bought back into 'right relation' with the divine (righteousness). So let us so mercy, in return!
Talk to him! Communication is the key: love is the most powerful force (for Love is God himself!), but it acts through communication. If your son really knows that you love him, then he will be transformed by that love, just as we are transformed by God's love. But to know that he is loved, you have to communicate it to him!
God has spent many thousands of years telling us how much he loves us! He became like us - humbling himself, for our sake - and came to us where we were at, in order that we might understand. (And, that is how he remains with us, in the ordinary signs, that demonstrate his extraordinary grace! - The Sacraments!)
Your son too, then can become a part of this healing process – indeed, he, at the moment, is possibly in the best position to do so, as to me it seems like his girlfriend is able to open up, at least somewhat, to him.
The last thing to suggest is that you make sure you have educate yourself in this matter: I recommend Dr. Curt Thompson, M.D's fantastic book "Anatomy of the Soul" - an incredible synthesis of Christian spirituality and modern medicine's neuropsychiatrical theory. It will certainly be an interesting read, and should help to illuminate some of the things this poor girl is going through, and why she acts as she does.
Forgive me if I have misread the situation, or have fallen into some blatant error. I've not had time to read this over, but I hope not everything I say is foolishness - if something here can help you and this poor dear- Praise God!