How to turn down a guy nicely?


#1

Usually guys aren’t interested in me for whatever reason so I’ve not really had to deal with turning them down but I’ve got kind of a tricky problem here. This guy I’ve known and seen at social events off and on for the past few years. It’s true I was interested in him when I first met him but that’s before I knew two ladies he went out with and realized what a lucky escape I had. He’s another of the noncommitment types and I know he doesn’t share my values so it would be a total waste of time. Any ideas on how I could turn him down nicely without offending him. He’s not really a bad guy just not someone who would be good for me. I know I’m bond to run into him from time to time. I’m also kind of still getting over a previous relationship plus a busy schedule kind of make the idea of dating not that attractive at the moment. :shrug:


#2

[quote="Sierrah, post:1, topic:178808"]
Usually guys aren't interested in me for whatever reason so I've not really had to deal with turning them down but I've got kind of a tricky problem here. This guy I've known and seen at social events off and on for the past few years. It's true I was interested in him when I first met him but that's before I knew two ladies he went out with and realized what a lucky escape I had. He's another of the noncommitment types and I know he doesn't share my values so it would be a total waste of time. Any ideas on how I could turn him down nicely without offending him. He's not really a bad guy just not someone who would be good for me. I know I'm bond to run into him from time to time. I'm also kind of still getting over a previous relationship plus a busy schedule kind of make the idea of dating not that attractive at the moment. :shrug:

[/quote]

Sierrah, so what is it: being busy and not interested in dating or that guy not being what you're looking for? ;) I'm not saying it would necessarily be wrong just to tell him you aren't dating at the moment if that's true, but you can tell him, "Thank you, but I'm not interested." If he asks for more information, you can but don't have to tell him he isn't the kind of guy you're after or that your personalities and views are incompatible. You don't need to be apologetic. And in fact, it's better when you aren't.

Don't know about other guys, but if I were to be turned down, I would expect and appreciate two things:

  • that it were understood that I wasn't doing anything wrong, abnormal etc. by merely being interested or asking;
  • no confusing and overly apologetic tone that makes you wonder whether a woman really means what she says (and isn't going to give you call a week after you start seeing someone else).

And that'd be no hard feelings. Problems start when the rejection implies it was wrong even to ask (or to feel that way) or when the refusal is ambiguous (there's a reason I'm not saying "rejection").


#3

*I think just simply saying...'' Thank you for asking, but I don't see us as being a good match...and I don't date for fun...so, I think us dating wouldn't make sense for me.''

He may say...''what do you mean we are not a good match?''

You: ''Just a feeling.''

If he persists, I'd say, again...I appreciate your offer, but no thank you.

You don't need to elaborate....Just be gracious...Good luck! :)*


#4

No, Thank You - I only date practicing Catholics.


#5

[quote="kage_ar, post:4, topic:178808"]
No, Thank You - I only date practicing Catholics.

[/quote]

:thumbsup: Love this--perfect!


#6

I am confused, because he didn’t commit to the other 2 ladies, he’s labeled a “non-commitment type”? IPerhaps those weren’t the right women for him and that is why he didn’t commit. Have you talked to him, and asked him what happened on those relationships? Sounds to me like you are just writing him off without having all the information. If he is a friend, you should at least be able to talk to him. Then after you have all the information and if you still feel the same way, he will respect you more, and his feelings probably won’t be hurt when you explain to him why you aren’t interested.


#7

You invite him deeper into sharing your values. “I’d love to get together with you. Why don’t we meet for Mass Sunday morning and then we can go for breakfast.” If he backs off… well, he then makes the decision “She’s too Catholic for me” and he beats feet. If he accepts your offer, well, maybe you’d be good for him for a while and he’d see what being around a nice girl was like. Maybe the other girls weren’t good for him. You’d get to know him on your terms.

Let your own values be your refuge. That’s the nice thing about having them. They are like a protective wall beyond which only certain people will venture. (Not always, but if you get to that point and realize he’s a fraud, come back and I’ll tell you how to handle that.)

You don’t need to diminish yourself, or lie or diminish someone else to turn them down. You give them a free choice. Having you means accepting your values. It puts the burden back on them. And maybe you didn’t get the whole story from his last two GFs.

Maybe they weren’t as special as he wanted them to be. Maybe they’re jealous. Maybe they’re right. You’ll only find out by talking to him yourself.


#8

[quote="chevalier, post:2, topic:178808"]
Sierrah, so what is it: being busy and not interested in dating or that guy not being what you're looking for? ;) I'm not saying it would necessarily be wrong just to tell him you aren't dating at the moment if that's true, but you can tell him, "Thank you, but I'm not interested." If he asks for more information, you can but don't have to tell him he isn't the kind of guy you're after or that your personalities and views are incompatible. You don't need to be apologetic. And in fact, it's better when you aren't.

[/quote]

It's really all of the above combined. But mostly he sleeps around, lies to his girlfriends and doesn't seem to know what he wants. Been there done that bored with that type really.


#9

Somehow that seems a little harsh to me and having used that before it doesn’t seem to work but always gets a negative response like. "What do mean? Not a good match? then they get argumentative. I think I’ll just tell him I’m way too busy and am just not interested in dating anyone right now. I sort of told him that a few weeks ago away so at least I would be consistant and there’s a lot of truth to it.

I’m just not interested in him…he lives a lifestyle that I’m not comfortable with.


#10

[quote="Liberanosamalo, post:7, topic:178808"]
You invite him deeper into sharing your values. "I'd love to get together with you. Why don't we meet for Mass Sunday morning and then we can go for breakfast." If he backs off... well, he then makes the decision "She's too Catholic for me" and he beats feet. If he accepts your offer, well, maybe you'd be good for him for a while and he'd see what being around a nice girl was like. Maybe the other girls weren't good for him. You'd get to know him on your terms.

.

[/quote]

I don't want to get together with him. That's the point. :rolleyes:

Maybe I should ask him when he thinks we should set a wedding date....that's a good way to get rid of guys...you think?...Sorry just kidding :D


#11

[quote="kage_ar, post:4, topic:178808"]
No, Thank You - I only date practicing Catholics.

[/quote]

He may consider himself Catholic for all I know we've never discussed religion...:shrug:


#12

Yes, I could see how it might turn into a bit of a debate/argument. (my suggestion)


#13

*You don't have to elaborate...just as you said, about being busy, etc. But, if you're not interested in having him ask you AGAIN, say in a few weeks when you might not be so busy...you should just tell him outright...I'm not interested in dating you, it's nothing personal...I just don't think we'd be a good fit.

That's it. Nothing more to explain.

If he gets upset or argumentative...walk away. You don't need to debate it.

Just my two cents. *


#14

[quote="Sierrah, post:8, topic:178808"]
It's really all of the above combined. But mostly he sleeps around, lies to his girlfriends and doesn't seem to know what he wants. Been there done that bored with that type really.

[/quote]

That doesn't exempt him from charity, but it's not like you need to pretend his behaviour isn't wrong or isn't the reason you don't want to date him. I'd just tell him your values and views on life were not compatible.

[quote="whatevergirl, post:13, topic:178808"]
You don't have to elaborate...just as you said, about being busy, etc. But, if you're not interested in having him ask you AGAIN, say in a few weeks when you might not be so busy...you should just tell him outright...I'm not interested in dating you, it's nothing personal...I just don't think we'd be a good fit.

[/quote]

Yeah, those "busy" excuses get too close to white lie and they can be annoying when you see the same woman with some other guy the following evening or when you keep hearing them again. Besides, logically, let's consider two situations:

Situation A. Marge kinda likes John, but Marge is really busy. She says, "Sorry, John. I really can't. I'm awfully busy these coming two weeks."
Situation B. Marge kinda likes John... as a friend. She says, "Sorry, John. I really can't. I'm awfully busy these coming two weeks."

How is John supposed to know which is which? Unless John is a psychologist or an investigation cop, he probably stands little chance and even then, he can't be positively sure!


#15

ok then what is a diplomatic way to say - Friendship is ok but I'm not interested in you romantically. :shrug::confused:


#16

[quote="Sierrah, post:15, topic:178808"]
ok then what is a diplomatic way to say - Friendship is ok but I'm not interested in you romantically. :shrug::confused:

[/quote]

Sounds great! I mean, not something I'd love to hear every day (obviously), but it's good. :) Better than anything I could come up with.


#17

[quote="chevalier, post:14, topic:178808"]
That doesn't exempt him from charity, but it's not like you need to pretend his behaviour isn't wrong or isn't the reason you don't want to date him. I'd just tell him your values and views on life were not compatible.

Yeah, those "busy" excuses get too close to white lie and they can be annoying when you see the same woman with some other guy the following evening or when you keep hearing them again. Besides, logically, let's consider two situations:

Situation A. Marge kinda likes John, but Marge is really busy. She says, "Sorry, John. I really can't. I'm awfully busy these coming two weeks."
Situation B. Marge kinda likes John... as a friend. She says, "Sorry, John. I really can't. I'm awfully busy these coming two weeks."

How is John supposed to know which is which? Unless John is a psychologist or an investigation cop, he probably stands little chance and even then, he can't be positively sure!

[/quote]

Poor John. :D

All kidding aside, you really have to tell him straight out that you are not interested in him romantically. Because otherwise, it will be like in college, when I was very good friends with a guy, and then became romantically interested in him. He told me he was going into the seminary. Ok fine.......but then 8 days later he was dating another girl, whom he married. And I'd be lying if I said this has not affected me and how I perceive men. Men, ladies, you have to be strong enough to just tell the truth to the opposite sex. It may hurt them, but it's better than a lie.


#18

[quote="SeekingWisdom, post:17, topic:178808"]
Poor John. :D

All kidding aside, you really have to tell him straight out that you are not interested in him romantically. .

[/quote]

Yes but I'm looking for a gentle way to do that.:shrug:


#19

Seems a bit - odd - is this man so enraptured with you that he will be crushed when you say “no” to a date? Will he slit his wrists because you turn down coffee? Is he so obsessed that he will hound you to give him a real answer?

Chances are, you are way overthinking this. If he asks you out, either go and see how it goes or say “No, thank you.” If he does not take that for an answer, get a restraining order.


#20

[quote="kage_ar, post:19, topic:178808"]
Seems a bit - odd - is this man so enraptured with you that he will be crushed when you say "no" to a date? Will he slit his wrists because you turn down coffee? Is he so obsessed that he will hound you to give him a real answer?

Chances are, you are way overthinking this. If he asks you out, either go and see how it goes or say "No, thank you." If he does not take that for an answer, get a restraining order.

[/quote]

Sorry my question seems odd to you but I don't like to hurt people...I guess that does make me an oddity these days. :eek:;)


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