How would you handle this situation?


#1

**I have a very close friend who is sleeping with her boyfriend. They are planning a wedding in the spring, but they are not married now. I’m married, but I didn’t wait for marriage either. I have since felt remorse and have asked for forgiveness, but my friend doesn’t feel there is anything wrong since she is getting married soon anyway. She will ask me occationally if I think she is doing the wrong thing, but because I did the same wrong thing, I struggle with what to tell her. How can I explain that even though they love each other and will be getting married, it is still wrong to have sex? What are your views on engaged couples having sex? We all know it is a sin, but do you think there are exceptions? I have my own view, whats yours? **


#2

Since (and ONLY because) she’s asking your opinion I would be willing to share with her what you’ve learned about the unique beauty of married love. Admit that you didn’t fully understand before you were married…but now do. Confirm that her inquiry my indicate the Holy Spirit at work on her conscience and congratulate her desire to elevate her conduct with her fiance as she seriously and soberly considers the vows she is about to undertake.


#3

I’m in a similar situation. My husband and I had sex before we were married, and have since come to regret it and ask forgiveness. My sister-in-law has been dating a guy for a few months now, and she wanted to come to visit us with her new boyfriend. However, we have a rule in our house that couples aren’t allowed to sleep in the same bed if they’re not married. She had a boyfriend about a year ago who came down with her once, and they stayed in seperate rooms then and it wasn’t a problem. However, this new boyfriend doesn’t seem to like it. So, when they come down for Christmas, they’re staying in a hotel.

My sister-in-law doesn’t understand what the big deal is. She isn’t a Christian, in any degree, and so doesn’t see the harm. She even asked if engaged couples could stay in the same room, and I had to tell her that Engaged Isn’t Married. We’ve tried to explain our feelings to her, and how it was wrong of us to sleep together before we got married, but she doesn’t want to understand.

I think since she is asking you, deep down she knows what she’s doing is wrong. Pray for her and offer her any help she might need, but she knows where you stand on the issue. Perhaps you could even apologize for setting a bad example and let her know the harm having sex before marriage did to your relationship. Share your feelings and experiences and maybe that will help.

Scout :tiphat:


#4

[quote=catherinesiena]**I have a very close friend who is sleeping with her boyfriend. They are planning a wedding in the spring, but they are not married now. I’m married, but I didn’t wait for marriage either. I have since felt remorse and have asked for forgiveness, but my friend doesn’t feel there is anything wrong since she is getting married soon anyway. She will ask me occationally if I think she is doing the wrong thing, but because I did the same wrong thing, I struggle with what to tell her. How can I explain that even though they love each other and will be getting married, it is still wrong to have sex? What are your views on engaged couples having sex? We all know it is a sin, but do you think there are exceptions? I have my own view, whats yours? **
[/quote]

She doesn’t think it is wrong. But she keeps asking you if you think it is wrong.

Unhunh. Right.

If she truly thinks it is not wrong, why on earth would she even ask? One asks a question when one has a doubt. and she has no doubts? Right, and I have some waterfornt property for sale in Arizona… she is broadcasting her doubt! You need to respond.

You might look into some of the statistics of divorce rates for those who live together prior to marriage, vs. those who don’t. Curious. Wonder why that is… no, it couldn’t be based on respect… why would anyone think that respect has anything to do with marriage, or committment, or self giving instead of self taking…

Why is it so true, the old saying, that women give sex to get love, and men give love to get sex… and why is it that the love which women get, and the love that men give, looks so much like manipulation instead of what love really is…

It is altogether too simple to say that it is wrong “because {God} {the Church} {the priest} says so”. It is not until we understand what marriage is truly about that we can understand the “why” that living together is wrong. It isn’t wrong because we feel guilty (and therefore, if we can just convince ourselves that that is old fashioned, we magically will no longer feel guilt). We feel guilty because it is wrong. We are hard-wired by God in a certain way; we are hard-wired to seek God; and the only way to seek Him is to become selfless. And living together is anything but selfless.


#5

Everything has a proper order. First marriage, then sex. That’s why it’s called marital relations.


#6

You could just explain to her exactly how you feel about what you did, and why you had remorse about doing it. That way you are not talking about her you are only talking about yourself, so she should not be as defensive. Also, if she is asking you about this then she probably feels remorse herself.


#7

NO SHACKING… :bigyikes: SHEESE… :nope:


#8

A great book that deals w/ this sort of thing from a fictional situation is Bud Macfarlane’s Pierced By A Sword which can be got free here (catholicity.com/). We really are a bunch of wimps when it comes to our spiritual warfare sometimes. :o


#9

[quote=Church Militant]A great book that deals w/ this sort of thing from a fictional situation is Bud Macfarlane’s Pierced By A Sword which can be got free here (catholicity.com/). We really are a bunch of wimps when it comes to our spiritual warfare sometimes. :o
[/quote]

I couldn’t find it via that link.


#10

Try this then:

catholicity.com/saintjude/


#11

choose the 1st option. sex is designed for procreation not personal pleasure.

suppose one day I get a girlfriend and she asks me for sex. if I refuse her, she might doubt my sexuality. that’s the truth in China


#12

It is a sin. Best to wait. If one falls to the temptation it’s not the end of the world. Repent and try again to abstain until married.


#13

Having sex before marriage is wrong no matter what the circumstances are! Sure some of us fail in this,yes, but the main point is that we still aim for God’s plan by repenting and trying again. Even if we sin we still should not give into it and never speak out about it as sin to others. Too many people think “I’m a sinner therefore I can’t ever speak out and say that sin is wrong.” That’s how evil continues, we need to never give into or help others by supporting their weakest point. That’s like giving a depressed person, at their weakest point, a noose and showing them where the tree is but adding a caveat, that you hope they won’t use it.

Another thought, quite honestly, I always hear of people who had planned their wedding and everything was set and then one of them calls it off. They are not married until they are married - anything can happen!

God bless,
Debbie

“This is the good news the prophets foretold: The Saviour will be born of the Virgin Mary.”


#14

It is better that they are engaged though still a sin… it also aint the end of the world…tell her you did it, but now you follow your faith and have realized it was wrong and confessed it. Is she a Catholic? Whats more important then them having sex before marriage is getting her back into her faith…she needs to learn about God and the whys of her faith before realising sex before marriage is wrong…its like putting the cart before the horse. They may not be married, but they are monogomus and if she got pregant before marriage at least she IS marrying the father… I dont mean to trivialize things but being realistic of how people do things needs to be taken into consideration…


#15

[quote=JimG]Everything has a proper order. First marriage, then sex. That’s why it’s called marital relations.
[/quote]

Even better, that’s why it’s called the “marital embrace.”

Sexy, huh?
:rolleyes:


#16

[quote=abcdefg]choose the 1st option. sex is designed for procreation not personal pleasure.

suppose one day I get a girlfriend and she asks me for sex. if I refuse her, she might doubt my sexuality. that’s the truth in China
[/quote]

She may “doubt your sexuality” (ummm, whatever THAT means?)

Like, she wants for you to let her manipulate you as her “boy toy?” Or would figure that you are not in her opinion a “red blooded, all American male who, of course, would act as though he’s an animal?”

Right.

Even so, even IF she “doubted your sexuality,” why would you even care?

You would have ALREADY shown her your “manhood” — as in an adult male who stands on his own hind feet.

Sheesh…
:frowning:


#17

If having sex while engaged isn’t wrong, then why bother getting maried? Start off with what they have already accomplished. Like many married Catholic couple who have engaged in pre-marital sex, they know sex is for the purpose of love. But they also realize something is missing and that is God.

God is placed first. Not until a couple can’t stand before God, each other, family, and friends to proclaim their love they have no business entertaining sexual/love making relations in the bedroom.

Honestly, even though it is a sin. It is easier for a couple that already recognizes that sex is for the purpose of love to get married. Then a couple that gets married, and still doesn’t understand that sex isn’t for themselves.

They have half of the equation right and you should help them move forward in their pre-cana activities preparing for their marriage. Once after being married, then they will realize in reflection what they did was wrong.


#18

[quote=Scout]I’m in a similar situation. My husband and I had sex before we were married, and have since come to regret it and ask forgiveness. My sister-in-law has been dating a guy for a few months now, and she wanted to come to visit us with her new boyfriend. However, we have a rule in our house that couples aren’t allowed to sleep in the same bed if they’re not married. She had a boyfriend about a year ago who came down with her once, and they stayed in seperate rooms then and it wasn’t a problem. However, this new boyfriend doesn’t seem to like it. So, when they come down for Christmas, they’re staying in a hotel.

My sister-in-law doesn’t understand what the big deal is. She isn’t a Christian, in any degree, and so doesn’t see the harm. She even asked if engaged couples could stay in the same room, and I had to tell her that Engaged Isn’t Married. We’ve tried to explain our feelings to her, and how it was wrong of us to sleep together before we got married, but she doesn’t want to understand.

I think since she is asking you, deep down she knows what she’s doing is wrong. Pray for her and offer her any help she might need, but she knows where you stand on the issue. Perhaps you could even apologize for setting a bad example and let her know the harm having sex before marriage did to your relationship. Share your feelings and experiences and maybe that will help.

Scout :tiphat:
[/quote]

Oh this is tacky but tell her when her boyfriend has the manhood to openly proclaim his love for her in ceremony that is when he can the two of them can sleep together.


#19

[quote=abcdefg]choose the 1st option. sex is designed for procreation not personal pleasure.
[/quote]

Incorrect. Sex is designed for both procreation and personal pleasure, as well as the most intimate expression of love between a husband and wife. The error comes when all of sexes purposes are not respected and allowed to blossom. Sex only for procreation treats the other as an object just as much as does sex only for personal pleasure.

– Mark L. Chance.


#20

I agree…JUST procreation? Sorry… much too puritan for my tastes… hope the Church never tries to tell 60, 70 and 80 year old married couples just cause they cant procreate anymore they cant enjoy each other sexually… or for that matter…newlyweds who may find out one or the other or both cant have children…NOBODY …should be telling them they cant enjoy each other sexually either…its just as bad to treat a woman as nothing more than a baby making machine then a sexual being…and I guarantee more women then not would be very offended at NOT being looked at as a sexual being and JUST an apparatus to shoot out a baby… thank goodness the Church is “modern” in that sense of the issue.


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