How would you know that he/she is the right one for you to spend your life with?


#1

How would you know that he/she is the right one for you to spend your life with?

Are there any signs?


#2

I was wondering this too, I guess once you are in a relationship, and you have been through hard times and good times together, you realize that you can commit to each other no matter what.


#3

Well, here’s my advice: Know thyself.

The first step in finding the right mate is to know what your goal and vision is. How do you want to live out your baptismal call to build up the Kingdom?

The second step is to make a list of “must haves” and “dealbreakers” before you begin dating. Always have this list in mind. When you encounter a deal breaker, or find a must-have to be lacking-- that person is not for you. Do not proceed and get emotionally involved. Also, if that person is not on the same spiritual trajectory with the same vision and goals, they are not for you.

When you find someone who has all your must-haves, none of your deal-breakers; shares your Catholic faith, vision and life goals; and also has those other “intangibles” such as both liking the same foods, sports, physical attraction, etc-- then you know you are on your way.

No matter how far down the list we went, DH and I found no deal-breakers or missing must-haves. We agreed on finances, childrearing, shared the same vision of living our Catholic faith, and of course-- both love football.


#4

I couldn’t possibly agree more with 1ke’s post.

Excellent!


#5

I truly believe that God blesses us with a internal feeling…somewhat similar to a sense of peace over our whole selves…something that says “ahh…ive found the one that God has created and meant for me”. I’ve been with my DF since high school, and known him since 7th grade. We come from small farm towns and attended 2 different Catholic feeder schools that came together for a sports team and that’s how I met him. For high school, he went to a public school and I to the Catholic school in the area but he ended up transferring for his last 2 yrs. I hung out with him as friends and things and always thought he was very sweet, funny and cute, but I dated around and hung out with tons of other people until his last yr of high school. He was going through a really rough time, dealing with a girl who lied to him, used him, and broke his heart at the time. There is no other way to describe it but i felt drawn to him. From the beginning of that hard time when we started spending more time together I knew i loved him and I knew I would marry him. He, however, did not. He was so hurt and during that time I was there for him as a friend, expecting nothing more (even though i knew i loved him, i was not worried because i knew i’d be with him in the end and i thank the Lord for this patience and peace). Over time, he came out of the rut he was in and realized how he was able to…through much prayer and never ending support from me. After he realized this he was able to tell me how he felt about me and we both knew then that we were meant to be. He was leaving for college but we never even had a doubt that we’d make it through together, and we started our “official” relationship, even though we’d truly been together for much much longer. About 5 years later we are finishing college and planning our summer wedding.


#6

I agree with above poster. My husband would have failed a check list miserably. I can’t fall in love with someone based on list. I know it sounds like great advice and probably is for some people but I just can’t operate that way.

I was 16 (almost 17) when I met my husband. I never went out with any guys before him because no one ever felt “right”. Then I met my husband and something just clicked. Hard to describe, but I felt the same way when I was 12 and became friends with a girl who is still my best friend 23 years later. So it wasn’t a romantic feeling.

We broke up a few times in highschool and I went on few dates with other guys (pushed into it by my friends who wanted me to stop moping). I just knew right off the bat is was a waste of time.

Finding Mr or Mrs Right does not equate to Mr or Mrs Perfect. There is no such thing because we are all fallen people, we all fall short. It’s not I can love him forever if…but I can love him forever despite… Because marriage is for better or worse. And don’t fool yourself into thinking there will never be disagreements or problems -that your relationship will be different than every other married couple out there. If you can’t get past the despite part that this person is not the one for you.


#7

You will just know. YOu will have doubts, you will be scared, but you will know. One thing you must not think is that things will be different after you marry. If he/she brings certain baggage to the relationship that you think you can change…think again. Change comes from within. I see this so many times with friends of mine who are miserable because they knew going into marriage that a certain characteristic was not something they could deal with and truly thought things would be different after they said “I do.” Make sure any attached baggage (we all have it) is something you can carry.

I knew my DH was the one for me when we went thru a series of bad times and he fought for me and beside me all the way. I thought, this is someone who you want to walk thru life with. When the going got tough, he stayed put. (even when I didn’t deserve it.) Friendship helps too especially when those babies start coming!


#8

I wish I knew for sure. That would make life a whole lot easier. But I know that’s not the case :wink: I just hope God will somehow let me know!

I had never been on any dates, ever, and didn’t find any guys worth knowing my first year in college. So I prayed to God for help. Now I’ve met counting in my head about 5 or 6 decent guys worth knowing as friends.
So I prayed to God to let me know who was meant to be, and that we would meet again soon, whether I knew them already, or if it’s somebody new. I ran into several of them during the next day or two, and the ones I see frequently (but not actually talk to) started waving “hi”.
So now I’m praying for more help from Him. And more patience and wisdom, because I just don’t know. At least I’m getting an idea of what makes me attracted to this guy or that…kind of a guideline of what to look for. (Kind, likes children, pro-life, preferably Catholic, knows/will learn ASL, etc.) :shrug:

God definitely has a sense of humor :smiley:


#9

WOW, I came to this forum just now to ask this very same question! I too was wondering how you “know.” So I guess I’m in a similar situation as the OP. It’s very scary, especially in this age where so many people feel so sure, get married, and then don’t want to be together anymore, you know? Plus I’ve thought several times that I’ve met “The One” but I was wrong. So now I’m finding it hard to trust that voice inside myself.

Do you feel that God really has one special person in mind for all of us (that are called to marriage)?


#10

There were a number of signs that my husband was the one for me. Firstly…God seemed to be blessing he and I so much that it was impossible to doubt how right it all felt.

My second story is a sign I received right from our Blessed Mother! My husband (then fiancee) and I were praying the rosary while he was driving us somewhere on a Sunday. I had my eyes closed and kept imagining seeing Our Mother standing in front of me while I asked her to intercede my intentions and whether or not my fiancee was the one God meant for me to be with.

When I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was a Our Lady of Guadalupe decal on a car in front of us…my heart skipped a beat and I knew from then on that the answer was ‘Yes, he is meant for you’!


#11

Amen to that!


#12

Same here :o

QUOTE]Do you feel that God really has one special person in mind for all of us (that are called to marriage)?

I hope so…but I don’t think it’s like 1 out of 6 billion that are meant to be with us, that we have to go find it. I think there are a number of guys out there who may be the one, and that God will help our paths cross.

I still wish I ‘knew’! It was painful, because at homily today he was talking about love and faith, how when you say i do there’s an element of faith in there. Faith is hard to come by.


#13

I can’t figure out whether I’m being unrealistic in some ways. I feel that for the most part I’ve become a lot more realistic, as I’ve matured spiritually and emotionally…but there is still one thing that gets to me…

When you meet The One, should it be instant fireworks? Or is what was said in that movie true, that “Sometimes love just comes softly”? I know that’s sappy, but it had an impact on me.

I’ve met an absolutely wonderful, devoutly Catholic man. I’ve never met a man that was so devout, actually. And there are just so many similarities and coincidences that are so amazing to think about, you know? The only thing is that I don’t really feel the “fireworks” like I have in the past. I’m not saying he’s ugly! Not by any means. It’s just that in the past I’ve always felt that “head over heels” feeling…and I sort of miss that feeling. And yet those other guys treated me like dirt in the end, and I know this man never would. So how necessary is physical passion, or “fireworks”, in a relationship? We’re not “together” yet, we seem to be taking our time discerning…but all I know is that I don’t want to discount him.


#14

I’ve had the same, but actually… that voice is not always unaffected by our choices. Sometimes we can “upgrade” the feeling to, “this is the right person,” from, “this is a nice man/woman,” or we can ignore bad feelings. Another thing, perhaps some months or years into the relationship, there might appear a genuine feeling of it being the right person, and even one that is correct.

Do you feel that God really has one special person in mind for all of us (that are called to marriage)?

Not really - there is no proof behind that. This isn’t to say God won’t help those who ask, that we don’t receive aid in our seeking. But I can’t think of any proof that God creates us with someone else in mind as a future spouse.

Personally, I don’t want to delve into it. I just pray for the woman I’ll marry, if I will any, whoever it is. I pray to make the right choice. If I will know I’ve found her… who knows. Well, certainly, there will be clues. I’ve just started a PhD programme in law, but I’ve always been both a history buff and a tongue speaker, and an amateur computer programmer (I can build and tune a computer, too) counting hexadecimals in memory using fewer lines of code for a task than professionals do, not like I’ve been oblivious to more proper art - paintings, sculpture, rather than just arts subjects. If I find someone with whom I could relate on all these levels, that will surely mean a lot. It’s not likely that I will, but unlikely things also happen.


#15

I pretty much agree with 1ke’s post, but just want to add the following:

Try to project what life will be like with each other 20, 30, 40, 50 years from now. Can you see him/her as a father/mother to your children? Can you see going Mass together? Will you be able to survive the days when in the evening you will be doing things so mundane such as going through the Sunday paper for coupons while watching TV? If he or she gets sick, do you dread taking care of her?


#16

You will just know… Yes, it’s stupid and vague, but true.

The second step is to make a list of “must haves” and “dealbreakers” before you begin dating. Always have this list in mind. When you encounter a deal breaker, or find a must-have to be lacking-- that person is not for you. Do not proceed and get emotionally involved. Also, if that person is not on the same spiritual trajectory with the same vision and goals, they are not for you.

Are you buying a car, or finding a mate?? :confused:
Some of these points are fine and good advise, but marriage is also about compromise and communication.
Unless you are extremely fortunate or have decades to seach, you may never find the person “who fits your list”… Then remember you’ve got to match their list! The odds of this are staggering IMO.


#17

I am one of those “list” people who was just really, really, lucky! :smiley:

Seriously, I made a list when I was around 12-13, and found my future husband at 15 (we didn’t start dating until we were 17, though). I also prayed constantly that I wouldn’t have to date in college, because I was so scared of what I thought the “dating scene” was, so I asked to meet my husband in high school. My must-haves included:

[LIST]
*]Believed in God (I was not baptized yet, so denomination was unimportant to me)
*]Was a virgin
*]Liked and wanted children
*]Wanted me to be a stay-at-home Mom
*]Liked dogs
*]Was really tall
*]Was smarter than me
*]Had a college degree
*]Was responsible with money
[/LIST]

I know some of those are kinda silly, but I was only 13. :o I even showed the list to my dad, and he added “rich” and “Roman Catholic” to it (the former to be funny, the latter to be serious).

God definitely delivered for me, and in a very timely manner (even on the silly things). I have no idea why He blessed me so quickly, or so early for that matter, but He did. :blush:

I never had “fireworks” with anyone, but I did experience a “new relationship euphoria,” very early on in our courtship. I also don’t believe in soul mates or that any guy is The One for me. The feeling that I had found my future husband only came after I really got to know him as a person, which took about 3 years.

My husband had a much simpler experience. He tells me that he knew he wanted to marry me the minute he met me. How’s that for confusion, for all of you looking for the “right” answer? :wink:


#18

Oh look! A place for me to talk about how much I love my wife!
Woohoo! this place has everything!:dancing:

O.K. the thing is that my wife broke up with me like…3 times when we were dating. She probably didn’t see me as “the one”. But I knew that I would marry her. We fought like an old married couple within a few months of dating. Everything with us had a special importance like we knew this just wasn’t 2 people in a fling.
We could barely stand to be apart for the longest time, I think the intensity is what caused her to break up with me so many times…well, that and I was a loser.:wink:
But I had patience and persistence. I made myself a better person so as to be worthy of such a wonderful woman and in the end she married me because she had never met anyone who loved her as deeply and so consistently with such loyalty as me…plus I had a really good job.:wink:

I guess the thing is that at least one of you knows, but sometimes not both of you. And sometimes if she’s not…you can just make her be the one.:slight_smile:


#19

For me I knew, because he was the first guy that I never got tired of spending time with.

I wanted a practicing Catholic, who saw me as his wife and his best friend.

Personally I don’t believe that a couple has to have everything in common such as the same food likes, music, sports etc. For example, my husband loves lacrosse. I don’t really enjoy it, so if he wants to go out with his guy friends to watch a game, that’s great. Or better yet, my husband hates shopping for clothing, so he’s perfectly fine with letting me go to the mall without him.

I find it interesting that some people would cross a potential spouse off a list who met all other important areas just because they happened not to like sports or shopping.


#20

I grew up a tomboy and always had lots of guy friends, so this one was a kicker for me. With so many seemingly “compatible” guys, how would I know?

I gave up that question and instead asked myself a different one…“who is going to get me to heaven?”

Maybe you are blessed to have met many guys who will get you to heaven, but I have only found one who can really inspire me and bring out my strengths, who can really help me to be a better person and to deny sin.


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