What should I do when my husband’s job has come to a dead end. He is self employeed and as of now, there is no income. However, he doesn’t feel that he needs a second job. He will not even discuss it with me. Yet the bills keep coming in. I have offered to take on a second job while he is figuring out what he is going to do. He has insisted that I don’t need to and that I don’t have time. We have 2 children and after my full time job, I am a full time mom. We all know how busy that is. Life is tense. I feel like I am in a lose lose situation. I either go against my hubby and get a second job in which I will leave behind all of my duties as wife and mother or I will sit and watch us go broke. Help!!!
Praying that your financial problems are resolved soon and for peace in your marriage :gopray: Sorry I don’t have any advice for you.
At least you know there’s a problem. My husband’s parents went through a similar problem over the past two years. My father-in-law wasn’t pulling in enough income and started pulling money out of their retirement fund-all without telling my mother-in-law. My father-in-law paid all the bills and handled all the finances. She found out how bad things were when the electric company shut off their power. It was so bad she almost left him. This past summer they had to sell their house and filed for bankruptcy-all because he wouldn’t tell her what was going on.
My mother-in-law said that if she had known about the problem when it began, then perhaps she would’ve been able to help. She also would’ve insisted that he get another job, or quit the one he had and get a better job. However, because she was kept in the dark, she was unable to help in the way she would want.
I guess my point is that you know about the problem, and you must work together to solve the problem. Don’t keep each other in the dark. Get together as much as possible and discuss the situation. Be open with your husband on how you feel and on ways you believe that you can help-and let him know you want to help. However, don’t be offended if he feels like he needs to do it all on his own (I think many husbands feel it is their responsibility to provide for their families). I would also suggest you seek out a couple that you trust, who are financially responsible, to get advice and support.
I know it’s a frustrating situation, but things will get better.
To Scout: It is really hard to communicate with my hubby. I think he is really depressed about the whole situation. To be honest–so am I!! I am glad that I know what is going on, however I don’t think he is telling me everything. Even so, he won’t let me help. I appreciate your thoughts and will try to keep the lines of communication open.
To CatholicSam: Your advice is well received.
If he’s self-employed he must be marketing a skill/service… with nothing coming in at this time there must be a “lull” or no demand for it… or he doesn’t have the resources to compete in the market.
As much as anyone loves being their own boss, can he “sub-contract” to an established outfit on a temporary basis? After a time who knows… there may be a partnership or merger in the future.
As hard as it would be to “Eat Crow” with what I’m capable of, I’d flip burgers, stuff envelopes, whatever… to keep something coming in until times were better…
I think you have received good advice. I have one other thought that may be worth pondering.
I am thinking of the idea that the husband is the head of the household. This is natural law. This does not mean that a wise wife does not have to consider her options in how she can be helpful to her family and her husband. But it can mean that the wife has to face the challenge of letting the husand be the head. That is letting him sink if that is what he is going to do, but perhaps in letting him be the head he will step up to the challenge and do what he needs to do to take care of his family.
I have been in a similar situation, without the added aspect of my having a job. I was given the advice to let my husband step up to the plate. I was also nagging him about it, so I was told to stop that and trust.
I still nag a little on occasion, but he has been pulling us through very well. His greatest desire is to support us and he is finding ways to do it with the help of God.
This advice may not fit your situation for a variety of reasons, but I encourage you to consider the different perspective.
I am sorry that you are in this situation—I am in a similar situation----I pray that God, the Holy Spirit, lead you in the decision that will suit you and your husband—may the Holy Spirit help you KNOW what to do.Amen, amen.
Jay2 and Scout have hit the nail on the head. You need to work on it together, and he needs to look at a different approach, even if it means a less-than-standard job for a little while.
My husband is a professional adjunct professor and trainer- NOBODY has made money at it as he has. What most people consider a little income supplement, or a lackluster position paying less than $20K a year, he is building into a good business.
When he started doing it, he wouldn’t listen to one word I said, even though I was supposed to be his “partner” as well as his wife. He was fearful of networking, and he was reluctant to put himself forward or talk about his accomplishments. He made some blunders, which effected us ecomonically ( one is known as “The Summer of Rice and Beans”).
He had to get over his fears. He also had to realize the work wasn’t going to come walking through the door, but that he had to go out and get it. He attended workshops, conventions, and seminars dealing with entrepeneurship as well as training and philosophy (his area). He used email to just say “hi” to people and reminded them of when they met him and where, started asking questions about them as people as well as whether or not they had an opening for a seminar or a leftover class he could fill. He made business cards on the computer and put them EVERYWHERE. We have a web site with a domain name and email that has a domain name “alias”.
He’s gone from being this introverted, sloppily dressed, teacher-type guy to having some confidence. He has some sense as to when it’s appropriate to tell people about his accomplishments and not have it be just a brag but fact. He’s not afraid to contact vendors months before events or classes start, because he’s figured out when they plan their schedules. He has even learned how to appropriately “corporate gift”.
We’re still working on the clothing issue.
I had to stand back and let him make some hideous mistakes. I also had to say, “I told you so- now then, how do we fix this” with a measure of kindness. And I’ve had to let him schlep at some awful jobs for a month or two after he’d made a blunder. Funny, he’s always more receptive after one of those episodes.
I don’t know if telling you all this helps. I do know that things WILL change, but you can only change you.
You don’t let things go. You don’t let your kids go hungry. Marriage is an interdependence, not a dependence. If he isn’t doing anything, why can’t he take care of the kids while you find a part time job, until he finds something? There is nothing wrong with a dad taking care of the kids. My husband helps me with our granddaughters. He is their grandfather, and going to be their father. He can brush hair and drive carpool with the best of them, and does.
You might also have him checked for depression, if you can afford it.
So sit down together and do the bills. How does he think they will get paid? Insist on creating a budget and sitting down together to go over income and expenses-- do this frequently.
He cannot ignore the bills.
I don’t know how crafty you are, but my SIL’s husband wouldn’t let her work and they needed money so she started making crocheted dolls and other crafts and sold them at fleamarkets and craft shows and stashed the money away. When they needed money, she deposited small amounts to the bank account and they found things much easier.