Hubby messaging another woman. I need advice please!


#1

I don’t know how to react. I received this message on myspace. I called my hubby and left him a message. I’m so angry. I cannot answer his calls. We’re both at work. How should I deal with this? Being pregnant and all is making me more emotional than usual. I told him on the message I hate him. He’s called back twice but I don’t know what to say to him, I don’t want to talk to him. What should I do? Please help me. I need some advice on how to handle this situation. Should I be mad? Should I be somewhat happy he said the things he said to this woman?

Hey girl, is this your husband? Thought you’d like to know you’ve got a cheater as your husband.

J_____
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ______
Date: Aug 18, 2007 11:27 AM

hey J___ , how you doin? thanks for the complements about my picture , ______ is really nice you’ll love it .You look sexy too , the thing here is I am a happy Married man, and I would really get in trouble if I keep you as my friend over the internet and any other way…
but any way thanks for writing ,I think I better block you from My space Cause She’ll find out and I wouldn’t like if she was doing this to me…any ways take care ,** I got ur number I may call to say Hi I don’t know…**----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: J_____
Date: Aug 8, 2007 3:07 PM

Hey there. Looks like you live near . How do you like living around here? I just moved to ____ and really want to make new friends, whether they are married, single, committed to someone or whaterver. I’m looking for people to be friends with so we can hang out, go out drinking, having some fun. I’m pretty lonely here. I just moved here 4 months ago from NYC. Love the picture you have on there, it’s pretty sexy. Hit me back! Hey if you wanna hang out, my new number is ___--___


#2

I’m not really familiar with how myspace works, but are you sure this is legitimate and not somebody just playing games with you? It may not even be our hubby’s message.

I hope I’m right. Prayers…


#3

From the way it looks here, your husband got a provocative picture from some woman and message in answer to his my space page. He responded and the woman decided to try to stir the pot by forwarding you the message.

It could all be fake, or it could be edited, or your husband might have replied.

My best advice… happily married grown ups do not need my space pages, delete both his and yours.


#4

You rock! Excellent advice.


#5

it’s legit. I hit on the links of his message and it takes me straight to his site. It’s not like this site where you can link pages to words. you can post pix on myspace so she has 9 up and he has a few, but some include our wedding day pix. But his myspace is private, only people who know his email can get to it. I don’t know what to say to him. I’m crushed! :frowning:


#6

I am not exactly sure if he’s cheating; he did mention he is happily married, and that he knows he’ll get in trouble if you did find out. I think it is best to talk about this with him, in a calm way.


#7

I’m so sorry. I know that feeling all too well. :frowning:

Maybe perhaps you should make a stop at an Adoration Chapel (if available) before you go home and face him. You could use some Divine perspective first.


#8

Looks like he rejected her unsolicitated advance. You might not like his compliment to her, but he did tell her he was not interested.


#9

I agree - dump the myspace accounts.


#10

He did tell her he might call her though.

Foxc, I don’t know what to say other than deleting those pages and speaking to him in a nice way. Be calm, your baby can feel all the stress you go through.


#11

I am so very sorry this is happening.

Dump the MySpace accounts (the “site preferred by 4 out of 5 pedophiles”).

And hubby get the sofa for a while.

Personally, I think it is healthy for men and women to have friends of the opposite gender. However, when they are married, these friendships must be totally out in the open.

Your DH needs to be made to understand that internet chatting is the same as cheating. Just like if he looked at porn, that would be cheating too. DH needs to understand that. That is a non-negotiable.

If he does not agree, review the wedding vows and ask him to explain what each one means.

You must also make sure he understands that he has a real responsibility, that he vowed to accept to before the sight of God, to care for you and your children.

May God grant you peace. May your DH come to understand what you need. Especially during the rather emotional time before your baby is born.


#12

I hate myspace…all I ever hear from it is the trouble it brings…I never had an account nor would I recommend it…I agree with PP’s…delete the accounts.

As to your DH, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe he was just trying to be polite to her without blowing her off…even though I totally don’t agree with him calling another woman sexy or that he might call her. This woman sounds like she tries to stir up trouble by messaging married men with sexy photos and then going to the wife and saying “hey, your man cheats!”, maybe in an attempt to get the man on the rebound after he’s dumped or after a big fight…I know it sounds far-fetched, but I’ve heard some crazy stories in the game of love! :whacky:


#13

I have to disagree. I don’t think married/engaged people can have friends of the opposite sex, acquaintances maybe but not friends. It’s never worked for me. All the guys I was friends with wanted something more than a friendship, and it’s been the same with my DH. My DH knows how I feel and he agrees with me on this, unless they are childhood friends and are like siblings, that’s another story. I don’t trust my DH 100% ever since the porn issue we had and some other problems we’ve had, so this is where I’m coming from.

To the OP, your DH did tell her he was happily married, so don’t take for granted the rest of the message.


#14

Hi foxc1, for what it’s worth, I think your husband did exactly what he was supposed to do. I don’t know what the other woman’s intentions are sending you their private correspondence. Your husband did clearly state that he’s happily married, and the other woman also specifically said that she’s looking for friendship. In my opinion, your husband was just letting her down easy, trying not to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what the other woman was trying to accomplish, but I question her motives. I also think that you’re overreacting a bit. Trust is a very important thing in a relationship. You really shouldn’t accuse your husband without hearing his side of the story first. Hear him out, then decide how you feel about it.

Anyway, just my $0.02.


#15

You make good points. cross-gender friendships for married couples can be a very touchy area. I think it is really up to the individuals. Not everyone can do that in our oversexed world.

I have also rethought a few things after reading the texting again. He did say that he was going to block her from his account. It could be that he picked up on the fact that she was trying to pick him up and he did not want to have anything like that. He was simply trying to be polite. And this woman is a snarky, catty and self-absorbed person who is trying to do nothing more than hurt back from being given the brush-off by a married man.

In short, DH may be guilty of nothing more than being too tactful. Give him the benefit of the doubt.


#16

the fact that he called her sexy and that he might call her is why I’m so upset. I don’t think I’m overreacting. messaging another woman secretly sounds normal? I don’t think so. when he was younger dated 2-3 girls at te same time calling them girlfriends. I wouldn’t want him being married to me and dating other women as well. He said he was done with that when he was 19. I feel so sick now because of this


#17

I don’t see the need for married people to have myspace pages, etc…It’s not that I’m against myspace in general…just don’t see the need for married people to have separate sites…with pics of themselves…buddy lists, etc…imagine all the time and energy that could be put into that marriage, that’s being wasted on there?:shrug:


#18

you speak great words. you’re right about him brushing her off. I don’t even know why she’d contact me. It’s just that seeing the words sexy and I’ll give you a call made me so angry. Maybe he didn’t mean it. I don’t want to be paranoid and have to keep an eye on him, he’s a grown adult. he should know better, especially now w/our baby on the way.


#19

The fact that your husband is making you feel so sad, should trigger something in him that is wrong. I wouldn’t want to make my husband feel this upset…we don’t have ‘rights’ as spouses to step on one another. Marriage is to be sacrificing…not self loathing. I think that you have every right to feel hurt, and angry to a degree. I would have a talk with your husband, explain your pain, and ask that he stops using myspace. Not threaten, or ultimatums…just a simple request. If he balks at it or fights you on it–it’s time for counseling…Hopefully, he will agree, and apologize. I know it will be hard to trust him, but give the rest to God. All God expects YOU to do is listen and accept his apology…let God do the healing.

BUT…your husband needs to stop the behavior. Inviting other women into your marriage is not something you signed up for–even if it’s virtual reality, it is still very much real.


#20

Because it appears legit does necessarily mean it is. Its very very easy to spoof this. Happens all the time. Matter of fact, I get at least half a dozen or more emails every month from what appears to be PayPal or my bank, saying theres a problem with my account, please log in using the attached link. Right. Appears totally legit. Trace the IP address and domain servers, its coming from North Korea or some 3rd world country, along with all the attached links that look totally legit.

Before you jump to conclusions, hear him out.


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