Huge Dilema

i’m 16 and have been struggling with sexual immpurity. but the things is i basically “need” it to make life tolerable for me cuz i have a HUGE, grueling classs schedule/ plus a three hour practice right after that/ then 2 hours of homework.every day. i basically need it as a sense of relief from each day and i’m horribly lonely so it helps me forget my lonliness. i’ve basically given up on God’s plan for pure love, which to me is a bunch of horsecrap cuz everyone is having premarital sex these days. and if he wanted me to have a girl in my life, she would of came by now, cuz everyone around me is going in and out of the dating scene.


The time for being in the “dating scene” is when you are ready to marry. If you are not ready to support a wife and children, then, put dating out of your mind.

If your schedule is so stressful it causes you to sin, then, change the schedule. Will practice (sports or whatever) get you into heaven? If not and it is causing you to sin, then, stop the practice.

Spend time with God, get involved with some volunteer work at the Parish, in your youth group, etc.

You are doing a good thing by being busy with school and other activities. Don’t worry about what everyone else around you is doing. I can relate in that I get bored and lonely a lot of times, but by going out and having premarital sex, you are only hurting yourself. Stay busy and do good things, you will be so much happier. Trust me, all those people who go to the bars all the time and get drunk, and have premarital sex are not going to be happy. They are gaining nothing by doing those things. Focus on God. That’s more important!!!

the most frustating thing about it is that i’m really devout spiritually(have dreams where i receive communion,etc.) but i keep asking God about dating but i don’t feel like he doesn’t give me an answer.

There’s nothing wrong with dating. If the date ends in having sex that’s where the problem lies. I think it’s absolutely normal to date at the age of 16.

Give it time, I assure you someone will come along. Will it be the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with? Who knows. I think at 16 you’re supposed to be having fun. Feel free to date several people, as long as sex isn’t a factor I don’t see it as a big deal. Companionship is incredibly important for our overall well being.

Who is this “everyone” that’s having pre-marital sex? I’m certainly not part of it…

I think he meant “everyone” loosely. Of course EVERYONE isn’t having premarital sex. :wink:

Oh, I knew what the OP meant, I was just pointing out the inherent absurdity of the generalization he made.

The huge dilemma is not that you “need” masturbation, but that you rationalize it and try to falsely convince yourself that you need it. All you need is food, drink, medical attention, healthy socialization, and to be One with God in prayer, meditation, scripture reading, and frequent reception of the sacraments. That is all that is needed for basic life, sexuality is needed only to give life to future generations. Masturbation does not eliminate your feeling of loneliness, it only increases it much like how depressed people resort to alcoholism to help them when alcohol is actually a depressant and therefore worsens it. Masturbation impairs your ability to socialize effectively with the opposite sex most especially if you’re attempting to communicate with the very girl you’ve been using in your sexual fantasy. You would view her as a mere object to your animalistic lust rather than a fellow human being, sister, and child of God. When you eventually start dating and attempt to seek a wife it will hurt your relationship with her because you would view her as an object to your lust rather than your lover and eventually you will find her sexually borring, you would try to fantasize of other women while having intimacy with her, and persist in cheating on your wife with masturbation, or even worst you might have an affair with someone else. Also, you will not be looking for a spouse that will match your views and personality, you will only be looking for a woman to sexually gratify you. This would then result in divorce and then the process starts over again leading to more divorces. Masturbation can relieve stress temporarily, but it will later increase your stress because on top of the stress you already have you would have to deal with the stress of controlling your increased sexual lust, desires, and addiction resulting from the masturbation.

Lust is a very deadly sin that you must learn to get rid of. The antidote against lust is true sacrificial love. Love is not merely that warm fuzzy feeling you feel inside of you when romantically involved with a girl or even that sexual pleasure that you feel during intimacy. Love is explained by Christ on the cross, he gave himself entirely and endured much pain for us all. That is love, the willingness to endure suffering, burdens, and displeasure for another person, always wanting to please the other person. In a loving married life, the each one in the union has sex in order to please the other and in the process give life to another (children) and please God in raising these children upright. They do not seek to have sex just to feel physical pleasure for themselves alone. This does exist in this world today, there are many couples who follow this basic truth in their lives and have good healthy marriages for life. What you can do is keep this in mind. Go to confession, confess your sin and estimate how much you have done it and confess it to your priest, pray often, prayer does not necessarily have to be long, read the bible, when you are in stress meditate do something else that relaxes you. Look away when women flaunt their body parts at you, when you have impure thoughts reject them, do not entertain them in your mind. Have religious art in your bed room. Resolve to not masturbate for 2 weeks, then after the 2 weeks do a month without it, little by little you break the habit. Confess frequently even if you feel that you’ve repeated the same sin over again, God is merciful.

A few years ago I might have said that for various reasons I ‘needed’ not just masturbation or premarital sex, but overeating, alcohol and all my other pet sins as well.

You absolutely do not. I absolutely did not and do not. And thanks be to God that realisation has freed me enormously. I won’t pretend to be perfect by any means, but with God’s help, frequent prayer, regular use of the Sacrament of Confession, and a lot of soul-searching and finding non-sinful ways to ‘relieve stress’, I have made an unbelievable amount of progress in all the above areas and many more.

God wants us to do what is good for us, not what is easy. And it may be that your casual attitude to premarital sex and whatnot has in fact pushed away from you that perfect girl that would make a great mate for you - after all, what worthwhile girl would want a guy who thinks nothing of sexual sin? What would it say about her own attitude to fornication for a girl to be OK with a guy who values God’s gift of our sexuality so cheaply?

And if you, or she, are OK with fooling around before marriage there’s no reason on earth that you can’t end up fooling around DURING marriage. Using exactly the same rationale that you need sex to relieve stress. Say, if your wife becomes ill, or for some other reason is unable to give you sex-on-demand.

Not a believer in masturbation as a mortal sin but let’s see if I can help aside from that “handicap.”

Potential sinfulness aside, associating sexual stimulation with stress relief is not a road you want to go down in general.

i basically need it as a sense of relief from each day and i’m horribly lonely so it helps me forget my lonliness. i’ve basically given up on God’s plan for pure love, which to me is a bunch of horsecrap cuz everyone is having premarital sex these days.

A lack of obedience to a divine command is irrelevant to it’s validity- would you give up on the belief that all people were God’s children if you lived during the days of slavery?

and if he wanted me to have a girl in my life, she would of came by now, cuz everyone around me is going in and out of the dating scene.

First of all: People “in the dating scene” generally make a point to make themselves visible in your age group- thus, they are likely to be over represented in your perception.
Second- You’re sixteen. In all honestly you may not even be in the emotional position to have a steady long term relationship- have some patience.

I was exactly where you are when I was sixteen. Believe me, you are not alone. The vast majority of young men are right where you are! Some have girlfriends… most probably do not. I thought the same thing when I was young… I thought all of the guys were “getting some” too. As it turned out, some were, but most of them were completely full of baloney and bragging about something that is sinful anyway. They were bragging to impress each other. Don’t be that guy!

One day you will have a girlfriend… just don’t get too attached because women (and us guys) are pretty flighty at that age. Remember, any girl you date is somebody’s future wife. Your future wife is probably going on a date with somebody this weekend. Does this help to show why respect is so important in dating relationships?

Your feelings are completely normal too. Do not worry too much about these feelings right now and don’t let this stuff stress you out. Stress will only make things worse. These feelings are part of life. At sixteen, the hormones are raging like crazy! That’s why it’s so important to do your best to develop a more “pure” thought life. Don’t dump gasoline on the fire by looking at certain websites, movies or television shows.

You’re probably not going to be perfect all of the time. Being perfect at your age would be like trying to hit major league pitching. It’s going to be really tough! It’s all part of our sinful nature. But you must try your best.

Surrounding yourself with friends who have some decent morals will be your best plan right now. That’s how you meet girls… through friends… through school… through church.

While you are doing this, keep the school work at the top of your list. Your school work success will largely determine your financial future.

You are going to be just fine!

One more thing… If you are masturbating a lot, start skipping days. Stopping completely at any age can be a tall order. But skipping one day… then skipping two days… three days… a week… two weeks… on and on is good practice and discipline. Your goal is to keep your car on the road to purity!

Just about every guy I grew up with was right where you are!

When I was 16, I was very much like you. I even flirted with the idea of suicide because of my feelings of inadequacy when it came to girls. But only one year later, I finally met the love of my life. We’ve now been married for 29 years.

As for the rest, I struggled with conquering an almost daily masturbation habit for several years after that. What finally cured it? I got a Miraculous Medal. I dedicated myself to Our Lady. Whenever the temptation came, it became a great opportunity for prayer.

And also, disagreeing with a previous post, masturbation is a mortal sin, so it must be confessed. Just knowing that I had to confess it went a long way to conquering it.

One last thing. Never think that you have conquered it for good. It can lead to overconfidence and stop relying on God for his assistance. Just remember that if we were able to conquer all sin all on our own, then Jesus died needlessly.We need his help, and he very much wants to.

Hi, friend.

First, watch your language.

Next, one of the defects in modern moral thinking is the word “don’t” – Don’t do this, don’t do that.

The problem with “don’t-ing” is that if you think “don’t” enough, soon you start “doing.” Obsession generates bad habits.

Look at the thinking expressed in your honest paragraph. It says, in effect, “Hey, I GOTTA do it! If I’m not doing it one way, I HAVE TO do it the other.” I used to call this “the exploding testicle syndrome.”

You’re wrong, friend. You really are.

Figure out what POSITIVE thing you’re not thinking and doing, and go do it, and you’re problems will evaporate like a puddle on a hot day.

When I was in college, a friend of mine, Joe Schneider, collected several million dollars for monsoon victims in Bangladesh.

I have a feeling that as he was doing this remarkable thing for God, what was going on in his pants was the last thing in his mind.

Have you done anything for homeless people lately?

Your comments to this young man displays a glaring lack of christian charity. Self righteous and prideful boasting about your friend’s good deed serves no purpose to this discussion either. With the amount of temptation and impurity in modern culture that young people face these days, you ought to be praising God that he came here for help. It is my prayer that he ignore your comments and continue to seek advice from those who have a little more empathy.

It is my experience that those who do the most incredible good works of charity are among those who struggle the most with fighting temptation. You have no idea what your friend may have actually been struggling with.


What language did he use that he needs to watch??:confused: :confused: :confused:

Ofcourse you can do whatever you want, because after all it’s YOU and YOUR life. You should make your own thoughts, and do whatever suits you best.

It sounds like the real problem is Loneliness. You say you spend a lot of hours staying busy, but yet you still are lonely? It’s a trap so many of us even as adults fall into. Maybe its time to evaluate how you spend your time? Is there any time for Jesus, or praying to Our lady either by yourself or with your family? If you have time for a three hour practice, surely you can find 15 min (rosary takes about 20), in your day for daily prayers, and trust me, it will pay off. Like going to practice after school, you need to practice your faith so your heart will grow strong. (I pray in the bathroom, after my shower…NO JOKE. Its the only place of peace and solece left in our house. LOL)

I can relate to the “lonely” part. I felt like that alot in high school too. Twenty years later, husband, children…you never really escape loneliness. My husband works very hard during the day, I work night-shift, and am a full-time mom/wife too. So even in a relationship you can suffer with loneliness.

Have you thought about consulting our Heavenly Father? Start with daily prayers, reading from scripture, going to church (maybe getting involved in a teen/youth group) and working on building a relationship with Jesus first. See, someday if you decide to get married, as a man you are required to love your wife like Jesus loves his Church, ie sacrifices for.

I started doing that around Lent after falling into a similar trap like you, I felt sad and lonely, because my husband and don’t have time together anymore. See my husband and I are a fairly young family with little children, and it has been terribly draining on us, hence we both started feelling lonely again.

It turned out, I was missing my “father”. Since spending daily prayers, rosary and just ‘talks’, and most importantly…learning all the teachings from Jesus, I learned to love him, now, I get this spiritual “high” I haven’t felt in a long time. I Love my husband more than I ever have. I can go my whole lifetime without needing sex or pleasing myself. I asked our Holy Father and Our Holy Mother for intervention, and through our spiritual counseling sessions (and through the blessed sacrement of confession :D.), I don’t feel lonely anymore.

Remember, Jesus is the master of Love, his most important commandment was “Love each other”, you’ll never get better advice from anyone than from him. You never, know…maybe this is God’s way of trying to bring you closer to him so he can ‘season’ you, prepare you for your true love. :slight_smile:

Lorrie, I guessing he was referring to “horsecrap”, hardly bad language in my book. I tell my kids to pick up the “dog ****” from the front yard all the time, so I do not see why “horse ****” would be any worse!

To the OP, I have a nearly 18 and a 16 YO. My 16 YO has no GF, and my nearly 18 just found one, who is now 800 miles away, so they only “see” each other via Skype. Good things come to those who wait! An no, not “every” 16 YO is “doing it”. Many brag about things, but they really have no idea. Take everything you hear from classmates with a BIG grain of salt, because most of it is not true!

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