Husband and Porn

I have been married for 40 years. My husband has a very addictive personally, pron, drinking & skol addiction. I have put up with this for 40 years & I guess I will still put up with it, but just need someone to talk to. It is very embarrassing. I have stayed with him for many reason… My Catholic faith, no divorce & I promised God I would stay with him for life… The kids (I have 4 & 9 grandchildren)… Money, I have always been a stay at home mom, only a high school education… Now we have built a life with good material things (house & cars paid off & no other debt). He will retire in 2 years, so we have retirement to look forward to. If I left I would be braking my promise to God & giving up the comfortable life we have. The big thing beside God being first, is what would I tell everyone the reason for the split. How embarrassing that would be for him & me & the kids. I would not want anyone to know this is happening.
Other problems he has is drinking. He has 4 to 6 margaritas every night & the glass (regular 8oz) is mostly vodka with a little margarita mix. The 1st drink he is OK- normal, 2nd drink he’s all lovey, 3rd he gets a grouchy, 4th -5th drink he’s ranting & raving, cuss words flying, then by the 6th drink he’s calmed down but letting me know how good he is, almost feeling sorry for himself. This happens every night. I try my best to be calm though this, but he usually gets to me when he’s ranting & raving (example… when he was cooking he ask me to fix him a salad, I had about 30 min to do this, but to him I didn’t get up & fix it fast enough. All you know what broke out. I still had plenty of time before he was done cooking.) That’s to let you know how silly little things can set him off.
I have talked to him about the drinking & the porn so many times. He told me to put a password on the computer, so he can only be on it when I am home. This week I saw him taking photos from his phone of girls leg that were on the TV. I found on his phone porn photos. He cannot get on the internet from his phone, so these must have been taken from the computer before I put the password on it. I plan to talk to him about this tomorrow.
The sad thing is I have lost all love for him. I am not a Barbie doll, but I am not that bad to look at. I cringe when he hugs me. I have started calling him bad names in my mind only, never out loud. I know that is a sin, but I have to get some kind of relief.
Please pray for me & him.

I’m very sorry to hear what you’re going through all these years, buttons. You must be an amazingly courageous and strong woman to be able to get through each day and evening of that craziness. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you.
There’s a support group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity,” that you or any other women reading this may wish to join. It deals specifically with the hurt wives experience brought on by the porn issues and has helped me tremendously in my marriage to a husband with a porn addiction. It might be helpful for you as well.
I would also recommend AlAnon for you for support and AA for your husband if he hasn’t been there yet, although I’m sure it would be hard to convince him to go if he doesn’t want to.
Please know that you and your family are in my prayers. St. Monica and our dear Blessed Mother are also great to ask for intercession and assistance. St. Monica actually experienced a horribly similar situation herself for many, many years, but our Lord answered her prayers beautifully in His time frame. God’s peace always to you.

Porn addiction is one thing but he’s also an alcoholic, and that can be an issue of personal safety, as much for him as for you. And it is a serious health issue for him, that could ultimately be fatal.

Speak to your doctor.

Go to Al-Anon.

Be strong, remember none of this is your fault. You need to hear that repeatedly, from your doctor, your pastor, and as I understand it, Al-Anon will reinforce that and help you with ways to cope.

Meanwhile, you are in my prayers.

God bless.

I’m 40 years married as well.
I can sympathize and recognize some of this long standing behaviour. Like you I’m a faithful Catholic. I believe and acknowledge the great advice that has been given you. And like you, I understand having a place where you can share without fear. I think this is a safe place. You have our prayers.
Buttons, you’re in my prayers, as well as your husband. Please pray for me and my guy. He’s abandoned his Catholic faith years ago and at best he is “tolerant” of my faith.

Good St. Joseph, model of all husbands, we ask you to pray for Button and her husband, and myself and my guy. Intercede that our Lord restores in them the joy of their salvation, and breaks the bondage of addiction that plagues and darkens their intellect.

Peace be with you, Buttons.

In agreement with all the other posters. Please check out Al-Anon.

I am sorry you are going through this trial. It sounds like this as been going on for many years.

My advice would be to address the alcohol addiction first. 6 mostly alcohol margaritas could be the equivalent of 24 beers. That is a massive amount of alcohol for his body to process. He will likely need medical supervised rehab to break free of this.

The porn is also a serious issue/addiction. At least he is attempting to stop, agreeing to a password etc. Given the amounts he is drinking, it is unrealistic to expect him to defeat the porn issues given how drunk he gets everyday. Continue to encourage him to avoid porn, but the alcoholism is the bigger problem at this moment, in my opinion, because it is likely impacting his porn issues as well.

Try not to be embarrassed. He has a disease, addiction and alcoholism is a disease that he developed over many years. Treat it as a disease, do not be ashamed. Do not let embarrassment (yours or his) impede your husband getting help. Ultimately, if having an intervention or moving out (and staying with a relative) is what it takes to motivate him to get the help he needs, you should do it. When your husband is well again, he will appreciate what you have done for him, as will your children. He will be much easier to love too.

Before you take any action, please meet with a priest or counselor and listen to their advice. Get your children involved (regarding the alcohol issue) so that you have support.

Prayers,

Prayers said for your intentions

one tequilla,two tequilla,three tequilla floor.you must know you deserve better than this.what about his promises as a husband?

A couple of people responding to your post suggested that you begin to attend Al-ANON. I support their recommendations. AL-ANON will give you the support you need to work through this.

If you don’t want to go to the initial meetings alone invite a close friend or family member to attend with you.

Praying for your situation.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts & prayers.
I will think about attending an AL-ANON meeting, but I’m thinking they cannot change his behavior. I am a strong person (spiritually, have a lot of patience). I think I’m OK. I just need to vent to someone. Please continue to pray for me & I will you as well. I plan to talk to him today about the latest incident.
I will try to keep in touch.

Buttons - Al-ANON is not for your husband, it is a support group for you. What your husband needs is AA. Having said that, AA will not change him. It will give him the tools for changing himself if and only if he wants to change.

AL-ANON is a forum for you to vent to others, learn how to cope, and get feedback from people whose lives have been or are currently being impacted by alcoholism and other destructive addictive behaviors (e.g.porn).

Peace be with you.

I have also been married almost 40 years, and understand that you don’t think that your husband will ever change. I don’t think that is always true. I can see my husband struggle to overcome some of his personality quirks that bother me. I hope that I am doing the same for him. The behaviors that you discribe are more than just quirks, I realize. Please reconsider AL-ANON. The purpose of AL-ANON is not to “fix” your husband, but to give you new ways to respond to the situation that you are in. You already know that he isn’t going to change unless he wants to. You can change yourself, and these changes could motivate him to change. Maybe, maybe not, but at least at these meetings you will receive help and support to live through your situation. My prayers are with you.

sorry to hear about your struggles. You said you put a password on the computer is porn blocked there? If not I would strongly suggest going to cleaninternet.com a great filter that I use myself and block porn and images. That problem would be solved over time. Then pray together for his recovery and self control. Also for his drinking addiction he should look into help groups or decrese his drinking over time drink 1 or 2 light beer instead.

Remember,
O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known that any one who fled to thy protection,
implored thy help or sought thy intercession,
was left unaided.
Inspired with this confidence,
I fly unto thee,
O Virgin of virgins my Mother;
to thee do I come,
before thee I stand,
sinful and sorrowful;
O Mother of thy Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions,
but in thy clemency hear and answer me.
Amen

Hail Mary, full of grace,
The Lord is with Thee;
Blessed art thou among women,
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
Now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Our Father,
who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.

I am in recovery from porn and alcohol addiction. There is no one including my wife, or kids that could get me to change. Last lent I gave up porn, but porn is just a symptom of a greater lust problem. I had to figure it out my self. I have also used AA to stop drinking. I cleaned up too late to save my marriage I will pray your hubby comes to his senses.

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