Catholic distance counseling
I think you are doing the right things the right way. Even though he is an adult, shaming is the wrong thing and counter productive. [The same holds true to alcoholism for example.]
Understanding, compassion, with concern, goes a long way. So does positive support, but with expectations. We are visual, and if we have been hooked for years, it is very difficult, but most certainly NOT impossible to improve. You understand and forgive, but time to put on your big boy pants.
Even after progress, expect a rare fall now and then, but as long as your husband tows the line the vast majority of the time your BOTH doing well. It is a life long struggle for most of us, but I must say, it has to be easier for married.
Kudos to you for not confronting him during the act. Shame like that is really difficult to overcome in a relationship.
I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through, Sunshineseeker. There has been a lot of excellent advice in response to your above post, so it sounds like you’ll definitely be headed in the right direction. As a wife who made similar discoveries about my husband’s porn use several years ago, I can fully relate to the feeling of betrayal and disrespect. I think it is an excellent sign that your husband is remorseful and will go to confession (my husband still won’t apologize or go to confession after years of this in our marriage.) There used to be a great support group here at CAF for wives and women experiencing this hurt titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity,” but the new CAF format unfortunately no longer allows for any groups. It appears we will likely be able to start up something similar again via the use of a private messaging group here at CAF, so if you or any other women reading this wish to be included in that, please just let me know. In the meantime, I’ve found great comfort and assistance in praying for St. Monica’s and Our Lady of Sorrows’ intercession and highly recommend that. As several people already mentioned, staying positive is excellent, and it sounds like your marriage is headed in the right direction, so please take care. May our dear Lord and our Blessed Mother be by your side always!
Thanks 2towers, hopefully this approach gets us to where we need to be. I don’t aim to be looking over his shoulder trying to catch him, I think he feels bad enough about it as it is without me on his back. He said he would read the resources mentioned above and be accountable to himself and honest with me. I can definitely see how it’s addictive and falls possible.
Bmaj, I saw that support group mentioned in another post but couldn’t find it (now I know why!). I’d definitely like to be included in the messaging group, thank you so much and thank you for your prayers
Hi Sunshineseeker - I just sent you a group message invite which should be titled, @WSBU (CAF’s method of giving the name of the former group, "Women Suffering Because of Unchastitiy.) Just let me know if you don’t get it. Thanks, and hang in there. I hope and pray better days are on the horizon for you and your husband!
It doesn’t appear that the trial “group message” actually went through even though it indicated “sent”, Sunshineseeker, so I’m guessing that the admin at CAF may still be trying to work out a solution to help make it be a viable alternative to the support group. I’ll let you know if I’m eventually able to get a group message going, but in the meantime, please know that you’re in my prayers and definitely not alone in what you’re going through in your marriage. I hope everything is improving daily for you and at least somewhat easier for you now. Our Lord’s love and peace always!
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