Husband busted!


#1

late last year I found out that my husband was having an affair when the other woman called me in my own home to tell me that they were in a relationship for 2 years but that it was over and she wanted him to stop harassing her. Imagine my shock since i was totally clueless. When i confronted him he admitted but said that it was over. Foolish me was quick to believe and gave him another chance. Everything was fine again until I accidentally discovered in his facebook account that the girl was now pregnant with his child. I am totally devastated, like my whole world just crumbled in on me. We have been married for 15 years and there were no signs whatsoever that he was cheating on me. Among our family and friends we are known as a "power couple" because our marriage was really solid...a role model for lots of other couples. Now its all "so I thought". The pain is so unbearable and until now I cannot accept that this happening to me. My husband tells me he has no plans of leaving me and that I am the one he wants to grow old with but I cannot accept the fact that he will be having a child with this woman. The only thing I can think of is that all the more reason he will be attached to the this woman forever. The other painful fact is that the girl is someone I know. I don't know how we are going to work this out. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of my 3 kids. I don't want them to be hurt or be part of a broken family. How will i ever trust my husband again and how will I know if his affair is truly over?:sad_yes:


#2

[quote="gumam1223, post:1, topic:253142"]
late last year I found out that my husband was having an affair when the other woman called me in my own home to tell me that they were in a relationship for 2 years but that it was over and she wanted him to stop harassing her. Imagine my shock since i was totally clueless. When i confronted him he admitted but said that it was over. Foolish me was quick to believe and gave him another chance. Everything was fine again until I accidentally discovered in his facebook account that the girl was now pregnant with his child. I am totally devastated, like my whole world just crumbled in on me. We have been married for 15 years and there were no signs whatsoever that he was cheating on me. Among our family and friends we are known as a "power couple" because our marriage was really solid...a role model for lots of other couples. Now its all "so I thought". The pain is so unbearable and until now I cannot accept that this happening to me. My husband tells me he has no plans of leaving me and that I am the one he wants to grow old with but I cannot accept the fact that he will be having a child with this woman. The only thing I can think of is that all the more reason he will be attached to the this woman forever. The other painful fact is that the girl is someone I know. I don't know how we are going to work this out. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of my 3 kids. I don't want them to be hurt or be part of a broken family. How will i ever trust my husband again and how will I know if his affair is truly over?:sad_yes:

[/quote]

Well, you are in hell. It is not easy to be in your position. so, never blame yourself, as you
never did.

The choices are stoic: in one hand, there is hell, on the other hand hell is there, and when I say hell, it is suffering, nothing else.

For me, it is easy to talk and say that I sympathize with you. It is not my problem.

But, as a Brother in Christ, I would say:
[LIST=1]
*]the best would be to stay with him, for your kids, for you, for him. Easy said than done. You must forgive.
*]Forgive is different from forget. Of course, you andhim must dialogue why 1) this happened; 2) for so long a time; 3) what he did not have in you to look for another woman; 6)if he had in you, why did he go outside?; 7) does he need counselling?
*]He must choose: it is either or and with garantees, because words are words and deeds are deeds.
*]In short: ifn staying together, one must go to the bottom of the cause of the problem and treat it. Otherwise, it will recur.
[/LIST]

I am all for keeping marriages together, but Christian Marriages not poligamy!, one wife in one girl outside.

If this helps, OK. If not, just throw away.
I do not want to be right, I want you to be well.

God Bless and that His Will Be Done on You.


#3

There are legal matters that will be of much importance to you and I realize that may not be on the top of your list of things to think about now, but I highly reccomend you seek out legal assistance to be aware of, and prepared for what is next.


#4

I don't have any brilliant advice but I wanted to leave something behind for you.

You are going through something so horribly tough that I can't even imagine what it must be like and I am in AWE of your attitude about it - you are thinking of your KIDS and trying to give them the best home possible. Bravo. Just....bravo. You are clearly an amazing woman and your husband is so lucky to have you, that it makes me even more flabbergasted that he did this. It's like tossing aside gold for a scrap of tin foil. Yeesh.

Jesus loves you, and so do all of us here. Use this forum and the people here to rely on - sure there are a few bad eggs, but most us as are good people. I see that you've not made a lot of posts so I assumed you were new, and I just wanted you to know that.


#5

[quote="Pfaffenhoffen, post:2, topic:253142"]
Well, you are in hell. It is not easy to be in your position. so, never blame yourself, as you
never did.

The choices are stoic: in one hand, there is hell, on the other hand hell is there, and when I say hell, it is suffering, nothing else.

For me, it is easy to talk and say that I sympathize with you. It is not my problem.

But, as a Brother in Christ, I would say:
[LIST=1]
*]the best would be to stay with him, for your kids, for you, for him. Easy said than done. You must forgive.
*]Forgive is different from forget. Of course, you andhim must dialogue why 1) this happened; 2) for so long a time; 3) what he did not have in you to look for another woman; 6)if he had in you, why did he go outside?; 7) does he need counselling?
*]He must choose: it is either or and with garantees, because words are words and deeds are deeds.
*]In short: ifn staying together, one must go to the bottom of the cause of the problem and treat it. Otherwise, it will recur.
[/LIST]

I am all for keeping marriages together, but Christian Marriages not poligamy!, one wife in one girl outside.

If this helps, OK. If not, just throw away.
I do not want to be right, I want you to be well.

God Bless and that His Will Be Done on You.

[/quote]

Thank you. Right now I do not seek what is right. I am thankful for any words of wisdom that can be given to me. You see, I can say that I am totally alone in this as I have not told anyone, family or friend. As I've mentioned everyone sees us as the perfect couple so I don't want anyone to know. I may be ashamed or just too proud to let anyone see the crack in our marriage. The thing is he is not vocal about his feelings for the other girl nor his plans now that there is a baby on the way. He is only vocal about what he feels for me and that he cannot accept that I will be lost to him. But to me now these are all just words. That is the biggest lost here, my trust. I think we both need counselling but to make the first step is hard.


#6

[quote="Whitacre_Girl, post:4, topic:253142"]
I don't have any brilliant advice but I wanted to leave something behind for you.

You are going through something so horribly tough that I can't even imagine what it must be like and I am in AWE of your attitude about it - you are thinking of your KIDS and trying to give them the best home possible. Bravo. Just....bravo. You are clearly an amazing woman and your husband is so lucky to have you, that it makes me even more flabbergasted that he did this. It's like tossing aside gold for a scrap of tin foil. Yeesh.

Jesus loves you, and so do all of us here. Use this forum and the people here to rely on - sure there are a few bad eggs, but most us as are good people. I see that you've not made a lot of posts so I assumed you were new, and I just wanted you to know that.

[/quote]

Yes, I am new here. So desperate to talk to someone, and glad to have found this site. I am carrying all this alone, not telling any of my family and friends. I'm secretly hoping that I can resolve this without a major press release. I don't want to be judged by people I know maybe because I am afraid that they will be right. The funny thing is I can feel that he really loves me but it is beyond comprehension why he still went ahead and cheated on me. For now, prayers and my 3 kids are all that keeps me going, Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me....truly appreciated and valued.


#7

I hope God pours down on you every special grace that has been stored up for you will need every drop!

Please do not despair, I have seen God work huge miracles for my own children when family situations got so extremely unstable that I thought they might crumble altogether.

On a practical level, yes, you should get legal aid, you never know what this can turn into and what kind of demands the other woman will have...her behavior is enough indication as to the kind of person that she is.

You will need time to grieve, as this is anhuge loss, a huge betrayal and really a partial moral, emotional and physical death. Perhaps aCatholic therapist can help you with this. I don't know to what extent you can protect your children from being exposed to this torture you are bearing. Pray that God shields them and that He comfort you and them, like I said, though I haven't walked a single step in your shoes I did experience one horrible horrible blow while I was pregnant with my third. I was sure it was all irreparable and irreversible but with God's grace in a matter of a day He gave us both a change of heart, healed us completely and our 2 young ones seemed completely oblivious as if nothing had happened.

God is all-powerful and that's all that matters! He is your Father and your Spouse and He can make good come out of every Evil.

I will pray, fast and offer alms for your particular situation!


#8

My prayers are with you. You do need to consult your family attorney, even if you decide to stay with your husband, because of the support issues that are going to surround this baby on the way.

I'm a little concerned at your not sharing this with someone you actually know, face to face. Is there an objective, discreet, and closed-mouth friend or family member with whom you can talk? Your husband's behavior should not be a cause for shame for you, you did not cause it. You can use the support and observations of someone who knows both of you.

The reason I'm saying that is that there have been a couple of things I'd call red flags in this situation: First of all, this woman called you late last year and told you that she wanted him to leave her alone. That obviously didn't happen, because she is now (eight months later, at least) pregnant. Secondly, for whatever reason, he decided to post it on his facebook account, or if she posted it, he left it up there. Those two things would seem to fly in the face of his pledging eternal loyalty to you, wouldn't you say?

Perhaps an objective person who knows both of you will help you discern the truth. There is a huge difference between trying to repair a marriage where both parties are committed to its success, as opposed to one where someone has ulterior motives. You really need to be dealing with the truth here.

Sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but you really need to be in a place where you can see objectively what is happening. I hope your faith will help fortify you to discern the truth, and to take appropriate action to protect your children and yes, yourself, in this deplorable situation. And as I said previously, my prayers are with you.


#9

I understand that this is heartbreaking, distressing and confusing for you. You may not be able to see it or feel it, but there is a glimmer of good news to hold on to - your husband does actually want to remain married to you. There are millions of victims of adultery who would have liked to have that option. The pain of finding your spouse in adultery is many times worse if they also decide to leave you for the "other" person, which usually doesn't happen all at once, but only after protracted "will I or won't I" deliberation, which is just drawn out agony for the faithful spouse. Then the next phase of agony starts, as you see your whole world, and especially the kids' world, collapsing. I've been there, and I would have given (almost) anything to have the option of taking my wife back after her affair.

However, these situations are always very messy and confusing. Obviously, you do not want to keep your husband under all possible circumstances.

Tolstoy: All happy families are alike, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.


#10

[quote="gumam1223, post:1, topic:253142"]
late last year I found out that my husband was having an affair when the other woman called me in my own home to tell me that they were in a relationship for 2 years but that it was over and she wanted him to stop harassing her. Imagine my shock since i was totally clueless. When i confronted him he admitted but said that it was over. Foolish me was quick to believe and gave him another chance. Everything was fine again until I accidentally discovered in his facebook account that the girl was now pregnant with his child. I am totally devastated, like my whole world just crumbled in on me. We have been married for 15 years and there were no signs whatsoever that he was cheating on me. Among our family and friends we are known as a "power couple" because our marriage was really solid...a role model for lots of other couples. Now its all "so I thought". The pain is so unbearable and until now I cannot accept that this happening to me. My husband tells me he has no plans of leaving me and that I am the one he wants to grow old with but I cannot accept the fact that he will be having a child with this woman. The only thing I can think of is that all the more reason he will be attached to the this woman forever. The other painful fact is that the girl is someone I know. I don't know how we are going to work this out. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of my 3 kids. I don't want them to be hurt or be part of a broken family. How will i ever trust my husband again and how will I know if his affair is truly over?:sad_yes:

[/quote]

I wouldn't "force myself" to do anything at this point. I would live with him in name only until such time as I could sort it out. Forcing yourself to be affectionate and close is not realistic. I know what I did, I moved out. But children are not happy if their parents are living a lie. My kids, after they got older, told me the tension in the home was horrible and they were relieved when we finally separated.

I wouldn't be able to ever trust him again...forgive...,maybe in time...trust, no way. I am divorcing and much happier. Someone who could live a lie with me isn't worth the effort. I told mine flat out, "You are obviously not the man for me, God will bring me the one who will not destroy my trust." The great thing is I'm not angry at all anymore, I just know that a violation of trust to that degree is not something I can overlook.

You can even live apart for a time so you can sort through your feelings. Don't try to "make" yourself be with him....you'll end up stuffing all your feelings like I did (just keep smiling) and end up in the mental hospital, having a nervous breakdown or worse.


#11

[quote="gumam1223, post:6, topic:253142"]
Yes, I am new here. So desperate to talk to someone, and glad to have found this site. I am carrying all this alone, not telling any of my family and friends. I'm secretly hoping that I can resolve this without a major press release. I don't want to be judged by people I know maybe because I am afraid that they will be right. The funny thing is I can feel that he really loves me but it is beyond comprehension why he still went ahead and cheated on me. For now, prayers and my 3 kids are all that keeps me going, Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me....truly appreciated and valued.

[/quote]

You won't be able to do that for long. If he has a child there is child support, visitation and a whole host of things....find the one person you can count on and let them help you. Also your parish priest can be invaluable.


#12

How sure are you that your husband is actually the father of this other woman's child ? I know that even if he is not , it won't end the pain , but you and your husband should find out for sure .Don't just take the other woman's word . Even if your husband is not the father , you still have to deal with the infidelity . Having said that , you might be surprised at how many other couples have survived this same predicament . Good luck .


#13

[quote="gumam1223, post:1, topic:253142"]
The other painful fact is that the girl is someone I know.

[/quote]

Painful, yes, but also very much the pattern for adultery.

Which reminds me...

Whenever I encounter a victim of adultery in these forums I strongly urge them to read James Dobson Love Must be Tough. He is a Protestant, but his advice is inspired. I wish I had read it when I first saw my wife straying. It would have saved me from making so many mistakes - which were the mistakes most victims make, as described by Dobson, ie. appeasement, bargaining, threatening, letting the other see your sorrow,...

Free pdf of the first chapters

Extract:

Virtually every counseling program now in existence for such
families is designed to bring together two people who can agree, at
least, to discuss their problems. Or if therapy is offered for a single
partner, it is directed at strengthening that individual to cope with the
crisis and go it alone, if necessary. But our purpose here is unique:
we want to help one spouse maximize the chances of preserving the
marriage, and to survive till the long night is over.

Dobson has a tradtional, biblical view of marriage and family, and was invited to a families conference in the Vatican. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Dobson#Ecumenical_relations"]James Dobson [Wikipedia]


#14

My prayers are with you.

It's good that you are gathering your bearings rationally think things through.

You should not be ashamed; this is exactly why people shake their heads when marriages that seemed perfect are (out of the blue) going through a divorce. It's easy to paint a perfect picture to outsiders.

It's not healthy for you to keep all of this inside. We are strangers and you need close support. Is there one person that you could trust and talk to?

What he has done is awful and selfish. He has totally dismissed your feelings and his respect for you when having an affair with this woman. If he chased after her, he must be in-love with her. How do you know for sure that he's not saying the same things to this other woman (that he's saying to you)?

If he can have an affair for years, he can blatantly lie to your face.


#15

i will remember you in my prayers


#16

I am so sorry to read your post. I cannot imagine the pain you must be in, and I am very glad that you found this forum. You will find only charity and help here.

First, you need to get your husband in front of a priest and find out what the truth is. Has he been carrying on with this woman or could her baby have another father? You need the facts. If not with a priest, then someone else, someone who can put your husband on the spot and get the truth out of him. That means someone else has to know about this. The reason is that you will have to plan for that child, if it’s your husband. That woman and that child will be part of his life and if you stay with him, part of your life and your children’s lives forever. There is no way around that, if it truly is his baby.

You also talk to the priest privately, tell him the entire sordid mess and ask him for spiritual guidance, as well as information about separation should you choose to.

Second, legal advice stemming from the above. If the baby is his child, it is entitled to the same treatment as his other children and I believe the law will support that person eventually inheriting his or her fair share of an estate. Also you need legal advice about separation.

Third, marriage counseling. In order to see if you really can remain married, you need to get your feelings out on the table and see if your husband can deal with the consequences of what he has done. If you stuff your feelings and hide this pain, I can pretty much guarantee that you won’t make it. Forget other people’s evaluations of your marriage, what matters is whether or not you can get through this and stay together as a family. Retrouvaille is a great program for damaged marriages but you need to take it one step at a time and not throw everything at your husband at once. Find out whether he really has remorse or whether he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

My prayers are with you.


#17

See a lawyer first off and find out how to protect the rights of your children. Make sure you find out about his finances so he can't hide anything. It's more than likely there was more stuff he was hiding from you.


#18

[quote="odile53, post:8, topic:253142"]
My prayers are with you. You do need to consult your family attorney, even if you decide to stay with your husband, because of the support issues that are going to surround this baby on the way.

I'm a little concerned at your not sharing this with someone you actually know, face to face. Is there an objective, discreet, and closed-mouth friend or family member with whom you can talk? Your husband's behavior should not be a cause for shame for you, you did not cause it. You can use the support and observations of someone who knows both of you.

The reason I'm saying that is that there have been a couple of things I'd call red flags in this situation: First of all, this woman called you late last year and told you that she wanted him to leave her alone. That obviously didn't happen, because she is now (eight months later, at least) pregnant. Secondly, for whatever reason, he decided to post it on his facebook account, or if she posted it, he left it up there. Those two things would seem to fly in the face of his pledging eternal loyalty to you, wouldn't you say?

Perhaps an objective person who knows both of you will help you discern the truth. There is a huge difference between trying to repair a marriage where both parties are committed to its success, as opposed to one where someone has ulterior motives. You really need to be dealing with the truth here.

Sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but you really need to be in a place where you can see objectively what is happening. I hope your faith will help fortify you to discern the truth, and to take appropriate action to protect your children and yes, yourself, in this deplorable situation. And as I said previously, my prayers are with you.

[/quote]

apparently, no one knows of their relationship except the girl's mother. he left his fb acct open one time and as if someone was whispering to me, i typed the girl's name. The first thing that ticked me was he was still "friends" with this girl. There is nothing there that would give away his identity or their relationship. What I saw was the ultrasound of the baby's gender which she posted. I was confused at first, but slowly it dawned upon me that she was pregnant and of course assumed at once that it was my husband's. When I confronted him I was praying that somehow the girl moved on and met someone else but that was me hallucinating. He didn't deny but just kept saying sorry and that he messed up big time. But now, i just can't bring myself to believe anything he says.


#19

Yes betrayal like this is a painful experience gumam1223 . Your husband may still love you very much but he gave in to temptation. Who knows how long he resisted before the urge became overwhelming.

It may be just a lust thing. If he’s an otherwise good man I’d pray to the BVM that you can put this behind you. Spiritually speaking, It may be more profitable to love someone unconditionally rather than to fully trust them. I just hope you can come to terms with this and find some serenity.


#20

[quote="Edmundus1581, post:9, topic:253142"]
I understand that this is heartbreaking, distressing and confusing for you. You may not be able to see it or feel it, but there is a glimmer of good news to hold on to - your husband does actually want to remain married to you. There are millions of victims of adultery who would have liked to have that option. The pain of finding your spouse in adultery is many times worse if they also decide to leave you for the "other" person, which usually doesn't happen all at once, but only after protracted "will I or won't I" deliberation, which is just drawn out agony for the faithful spouse. Then the next phase of agony starts, as you see your whole world, and especially the kids' world, collapsing. I've been there, and I would have given (almost) anything to have the option of taking my wife back after her affair.

However, these situations are always very messy and confusing. Obviously, you do not want to keep your husband under all possible circumstances.

Tolstoy: All happy families are alike, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

[/quote]

If there is anyway that this marriage can be saved, that is the option I wish to take. But for now its really hard to digest everything that happened so quickly. I know I need to get rid of the bitterness that I am feeling before I could take the next step whatever it will be. I know anger and resentment can cloud anyone's judgement. Also, I guess I'm waiting to see what actions he will take if he truly means what he says that he chooses to grow old with me. Waiting for a sign from heaven...


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