Life as I know it hangs by a thread; I am broken hearted and refuse to give up on our marriage. How do I get through this?
- Married for 17 years, engaged for 4 (during college)
- 3 children ages 4, 13, and 14
- Husband is a military officer of 17 years and has been deployed over 34 months
- He is a great husband & great father
- No infidelity
Last spring he came to me saying he didn't know if he wanted to married anymore but wasn't sure why. This is the same man who came from a broken family and was dead against even bringing up the word divorce up until now. HE insisted we go to marriage counseling, which I was all for. In addition he has his own therapist that deals with wartime issues (PTS and survivor's guilt). I see someone on my own too. Our counselor is Catholic so she understands my take on divorce. I've talked to our family priest who was very hopeful based on my husband seeking help.
As it stands now we are going through the reconciliation process, but he still has the tendency to become disconnected. He'll snap back and he gets back to normal. This roller coaster has taken a toll on me emotionally and he feels intense guilt for putting me through this. He is going to decide in a couple of weeks what he is going to do regarding staying or getting a divorce. Our relationship (minus his confusion) is great...we are kind and loving to each other and rarely argue, we enjoy each other's company, and we have not other stresses in our marriage. He tells me he loves me and I am the perfect wife -- doing everything right. I can see the pain and confusion in his eyes, my heart breaks for him too. The war has really changed him and his outlook on life. He is still a great husband nontheless.
It is very bothersome to him that he has these feeling that make him want to be single. I believe with all my heart he wants them to go away. I just think it will take time for him to get himself fixed.
Right now I feel so lost. He is gone a lot so it is hard to stay connected. Mentally this is taking a toll on me. I started antidepressants a few months ago to help numb the pain and put on a strong front for him. When I get overly emotional it only makes him feel guilty and pull away. The harder I hang on, the more I love him.
Pray gets me through the day. As much as I want to hang on, I feel like I'm near my breaking point.
Any input/advice/encouragement/prayers would be much appreciated.