Husband doesn't really want baby


#1

Hi. I’m new here. I’ve been cathoic/married for 10 years. My husband and I have a 4 year old son. He and I have just finished a ton of therapy and we tried saving a very troubled marriage. His issue is that he likes to spend money we don’t have - I am the main breadwinner (even though we both work fulltime) My issue was that I was resenting him and pushing him away.

Anyway - we thought we were doing better - but we have hit another snag. I want another child (always have). He says that since my employment contract is coming up for renewal in 11 months I should not be pregnant. But my concern is that I am 35 and he is 38. We are both getting older…and waiting is what we’ve been doing for YEARS. He always has another excuse.

He also has mentioned in passing that he might want to adopt so we didn’t have another difficult child like our son! I couldn’t believe he said that! Our son didn’t sleep well as a baby…but he’s healthy and bright! He also said that he thinks it would be great for our 4 year old to have an instant brother of the same age through adoption.

I think this is the end of our marriage – what can be done with someone who thinks like this? Am I overreacting?


#2

I have been married for five years now. We have one child, who is four. We too have been through a lot of counseling and therapy. If your marriage is on the rocks, I wouldn’t really be thinking about bringing another life into that mix myself. We women always tend to think that another baby will bring us closer together, but it also involves a lot of hard work as you already know. Adopting another child isn’t the answer either. It sounds like your DH is kind of like mine, wanting to spend money we really shouldn’t. Adopting a child that is the same age as your own child sounds again like he wants that instant satisfaction that he seeks when hes buying something new…not the answer in my opinion. And for that fact that you are both getting older, well such is life.

Since repairing our marriage we have had an ectopic pregnancy, which caused my left tube to be removed. The pregnancy was a huge surprise, but after my surgery we realized that some of the issues we were having weren’t all that important. We continue to work on ourselves and enjoy the child that we do have. We are always open to having more, but allow God to make that call for us. I wish you the best of luck.


#3

The 'end' of your marriage? No, what hes saying is that having a baby is hard work and he doesn't want to deal with it with all the stress that you guys already have. Hes not saying, "i dont want a kid" hes saying, he doesn't want to deal with having to raise another child from day 1. He'd prefer some child who is older and knows a bit already. Ontop of that, I also don't really think he wants another baby but if he must have one (for your happiness), he wants an older one. Plus there are plenty of kids out there who need a home. Why not just go with him and adopt? You'll be happy that you're saving another kids life from disaster.


#4

Adopted children usually come with serious attachment issues from fear of abandonment. It ain’t so easy to tackle. Start talking to some of the other parents on CAF that have adopted. You could begin another thread to ask about it.

As for you guys working on things… I got pregnant with #1 at 35 and #2 at 37 with no problems. Don’t worry about the age thing. 11 months is not a long time really.

you guys need to really continue to work out your issues before trying for a baby. Baby making sex is very unromantic and it’s kinda frustrating that you only have 2 days out of the month to conceive. Your marriage needs to be strong to handle that stuff.

Work on your marriage. Have you looked up consecrating your marriage to the Sacred Heart of Jesus? Google it…it’s AMAZING.

I don’t believe that your marriage is over…you guys have come so far!!! It’s worth fighting for. Don’t give up and you guys may need to compromise on this issue…ie…no adoption (you) vs wait a little longer (11 months him) before trying to have another baby.

Wait until he’s ready to talk and approach the subject with love.


#5

Don't give up on your marriage, think of how many children are harmed from divorce so don't do that to your son. Pray for God to mend your husband's heart to His will. All I can say is PRAY PRAY PRAY!! If you haven't been able to convince your husband to have another child, then ask God to if it is His will.

Remember to pray with the intention that God will hear your prayer and grant it.

Someone once told me that a relationship is a triangle. At the two bottom corners, there is the husband and wife and at the peak there is God. In order to mend a relationship or get closer to your spouse you have to get closer to God. Thus, as you move closer to God, you see the lines getting closer which represent you and your husband. (I hope this made sense, it's hard for me to explain it without drawing it.)

I'll be praying for you!!


#6

I know I'm very much a newlywed, but after listening to Catholic radio, I'm always surprised at the number of couples who admit that they don't really pray together. I really think that is something to be said about coming together as a couple and learning how to submit your wills to God's will and being united under that one will rather than fighting over each of your individual wills. Granted maybe that's niavity, but there is the saying "the family that prays together, stays together."


#7

Thank you for your prayers. I’m just really upset with his attitude. I feel as if he doesn’t “get it”. Our problems revolved also with him failing to be there when needed. My son had an allergic reaction and I had to call an ambulance after giving him an epi shot. My husband was in the cell with me … Questioning why I needed to call an ambulance (expense) since we were a few miles from the hospital. Then he told me he didn’t know if he could get out of work to come to the hospital. He did after I demanded it. Well now I have to fly out of state for an outpatient optional surgery. He didn’t offer to come. I have told him I’m scared about it and he just says “you will be fine”. I have to get a car service to help me out of anesthesia and back to a hotel room. I’m frustrated and sad.
A


#8

[quote="needopinion, post:7, topic:212339"]
Thank you for your prayers. I'm just really upset with his attitude. I feel as if he doesn't "get it". Our problems revolved also with him failing to be there when needed. My son had an allergic reaction and I had to call an ambulance after giving him an epi shot. My husband was in the cell with me ... Questioning why I needed to call an ambulance (expense) since we were a few miles from the hospital. Then he told me he didn't know if he could get out of work to come to the hospital. He did after I demanded it. Well now I have to fly out of state for an outpatient optional surgery. He didn't offer to come. I have told him I'm scared about it and he just says "you will be fine". I have to get a car service to help me out of anesthesia and back to a hotel room. I'm frustrated and sad.
A

[/quote]

I don't want to speak out of turn here, but maybe he doesn't want you to have the optional surgery so therefore doesn't want to be there. I'm sure that if you were scheduled for a medically necessary surgery he would be right there with you. If I may venture to ask, what kind of "optional" surgery is that dire that you are flying elsewhere to have it done anyway?


#9

[quote="Mamanurse, post:8, topic:212339"]
I don't want to speak out of turn here, but maybe he doesn't want you to have the optional surgery so therefore doesn't want to be there. I'm sure that if you were scheduled for a medically necessary surgery he would be right there with you. If I may venture to ask, what kind of "optional" surgery is that dire that you are flying elsewhere to have it done anyway?

[/quote]

There are rather many surgeries that shouldn't be done in just any of the 50 states, and procedures that are likely to be beneficial but that are "optional" because insurance will not deem them "necessary". If the husband has misgivings, maybe he should discuss it with her, and not just opt out. Communication is very very important.


#10

[quote="needopinion, post:7, topic:212339"]
Thank you for your prayers. I'm just really upset with his attitude. I feel as if he doesn't "get it". Our problems revolved also with him failing to be there when needed. My son had an allergic reaction and I had to call an ambulance after giving him an epi shot. My husband was in the cell with me ... Questioning why I needed to call an ambulance (expense) since we were a few miles from the hospital. Then he told me he didn't know if he could get out of work to come to the hospital. He did after I demanded it. Well now I have to fly out of state for an outpatient optional surgery. He didn't offer to come. I have told him I'm scared about it and he just says "you will be fine". I have to get a car service to help me out of anesthesia and back to a hotel room. I'm frustrated and sad.
A

[/quote]

Okay, this may be just me (I'm high stress at the times when I don't need to be and calm and cool at times that usually stress people out), but, since you gave son his epi shot (I had to get them as a child when I was stung), and you were with your son, I don't see why you were so upset about your husband not leaving work immediately. A lot of kids have epi pens and have to bring them to school, that's what they're for, to prevent the allergic reaction from becoming immediately dire. I had the epi and then followed it with Benedryl as well as being watched.

When dd was 3 months she was struggling to breath. I brought her to the emergency room based on her temp (and that the dr. office was closed). I called hubby (not-hubby at the time) to tell him all that was going on. When I was told that her oxygen level was low enough to require her to be hospitalized and that she had a virus that is easily contagious so she had to be in an isolation room (we could obviously be there), I called and told hubby. I didn't demand that he leave work but he came when his shift was over and we both spent the night, for the two nights. When he had to work, he went, when she was released from the hospital and I had to work, I went. Sometimes, if a situation is under control, you have to do what you have to do to pay bills. I'm 36 weeks pregnant and hubby is overseas, and when I'm 39 1/2 weeks pregnant, he'll be out of town (within the US) for work for a week. Would I like him there should I go into labor? Yes! But guess what, we have bills that need to be paid so when he worries about things I just smile at him and tell him, "it will be okay no matter what". I do not, for once, think that he's not there for me when I need him. I thank him for his hard work and know that emotionally it's more difficult for him than me. I have to start work two weeks after giving birth (I work in childcare). Guess what, you do what you have to.

As others have said, keep working on your marriage so that you become a team, not two individuals having your own agenda.


#11

[quote="needopinion, post:7, topic:212339"]
Thank you for your prayers. I'm just really upset with his attitude. I feel as if he doesn't "get it". Our problems revolved also with him failing to be there when needed. My son had an allergic reaction and I had to call an ambulance after giving him an epi shot. My husband was in the cell with me ... Questioning why I needed to call an ambulance (expense) since we were a few miles from the hospital. Then he told me he didn't know if he could get out of work to come to the hospital. He did after I demanded it. Well now I have to fly out of state for an outpatient optional surgery. He didn't offer to come. I have told him I'm scared about it and he just says "you will be fine". I have to get a car service to help me out of anesthesia and back to a hotel room. I'm frustrated and sad.
A

[/quote]

I don't know how epi pens work, but I've never heard of anyone taking an ambulance to the hosptial after the epi shot. I have heard of the child going to the hospital just to be checked after the reaction, but not via ambulance.

As for DH not leaving work, he probably knew that DS was ok since he took the epi pen and it wasn't a life/death situation. He probably thought it could wait until he finished his meeting, phone calls, etc.

Don't mind me mentioning, but I think you are feeling VERY sensitive about everything right now. I think you are making small issues into big issues and I think it all boils down to your fear of not being able to conceive another baby b/c of your age.

You are way too emotional right now to make any rash decisions about your husband's behaviour. IMO he hasn't done anything wrong.

Someone said that maybe DH doesn't agree with your optional surgery. Have you guys spoken about it at all? Has he told you that he doesn't think it's necessary? He is finding it hard to support you b/c maybe he feels that you are acting a bit "over the edge"?

You have every right to feel anxiety and fear; just be careful that you are not internally directing as anger towards your husband.

Hugs and prayers for you!


#12

Thaks for your feedback. Yes, in a headline I have communicated with my husband about all of this - everything that’s been detailed here has been shared with him.

To answer your questions - the reason that I wanted my husband at the hospital is because my son’s epi-shot actually got injected into ME by accident. It’s a long story - but I was getting the adrenaline - not my son. And on top of that my son’s eyes were swollen shut and the eye ball itself was swelling. He was telling me he lost his vision. It was a horrible experience but I did not think 'I" should be driving if I had the adrenaline. I don’t think that’s being “sensitive”.

As for the surgery, yes my husband fully supports it. He told me so - even this weekend. He never expressed any concern or even questioned me about any of it. That’s not the issue. I asked him again if he’s concerned about the procedure itself and he clearly said “no”. Even after having this conversation about my concerns that I’m having to do it all on my own – he hasn’t changed course. I’m still going – and he hasn’t even asked who the doctor is - where it’s being performed - or who is getting me to the hotel after the procedure. Even where I am staying. Nothing.

Thanks for your input and prayers.


#13

[quote="Serap, post:11, topic:212339"]
I don't know how epi pens work, but I've never heard of anyone taking an ambulance to the hosptial after the epi shot. I have heard of the child going to the hospital just to be checked after the reaction, but not via ambulance...........

[/quote]

My son had an epi shot while he was at the allergy clinic of the hospital, they kept him there then they had to give a second one and then they were concerned about blood pressure and other possible issues related to the shots. I do not think that rushing to the hospital after an epi shot is a bad idea. In some cases I know that for some children it is a necessary precaution. I am not going to debate the case for ambulance vs. car because I am not a physician and I was not there at the time but I know how fast people can die in case of allergic reaction even after the first epi shot.


#14

[quote="needopinion, post:12, topic:212339"]
Thaks for your feedback. Yes, in a headline I have communicated with my husband about all of this - everything that's been detailed here has been shared with him.

To answer your questions - the reason that I wanted my husband at the hospital is because my son's epi-shot actually got injected into ME by accident. It's a long story - but I was getting the adrenaline - not my son. And on top of that my son's eyes were swollen shut and the eye ball itself was swelling. He was telling me he lost his vision. It was a horrible experience but I did not think 'I" should be driving if I had the adrenaline. I don't think that's being "sensitive".

As for the surgery, yes my husband fully supports it. He told me so - even this weekend. He never expressed any concern or even questioned me about any of it. That's not the issue. I asked him again if he's concerned about the procedure itself and he clearly said "no". Even after having this conversation about my concerns that I'm having to do it all on my own -- he hasn't changed course. I'm still going -- and he hasn't even asked who the doctor is - where it's being performed - or who is getting me to the hotel after the procedure. Even where I am staying. Nothing.

Thanks for your input and prayers.

[/quote]

Unfortunately, because your response is very defensive, you are disagreeing with me and are not open to any other suggestions for the underlying causes of your feelings towards your husband. As long as you are defensive, you will continue to be angry with your husband and blame him for everything. You need to be open that perhaps you are being sensitive and unreasonable? I am not in your shoes, so only you can dig deep and figure that one out.

SOME (not all) men are kinda falling short on empathy and nurturing instincts and perhaps he didn't realize how bad it was when you first called him and said you were calling an ambulance. His mind was in work mode and he was being a little thoughtless; you demanded he come and he came. Isn't that a good thing? He WAS there for you in the end. Why are you still angry with him for that? I don't understand.

I can count how many times my husband has been thoughtless on both hands. My daughter was very sick at 9 months and she had a fever of over 105 so we drove her to the ER. We waited 6 hours and my husband wanted to go home. I said no we had to stay b/c I wanted to find out what was wrong with DD. He was asking me if we could go home for like an hour until finally a doctor came to see DD and it was determined that she had an advanced UTI. Was I mad at DH...no. Men are just kinda lacking in that department. I'm glad I made us stay at the ER b/c my daughter was very close to having kidney damage.

There are other examples of this, like when my son had colic and DH blamed me for it.

Part of being married is having these occurances...every marriage is different and some husbands are very in tune with their children, but ours isn't. My husband loves our kids to no end, but I'm the one that is in tune with their needs more than he is.

Please give my advice a chance and don't get defensive. Sleep on it and see how you feel about it after a couple of days. Open your heart a little. Ask Mary to pray for your marriage and help you understand your husband better.


#15

I don't believe I was being defensive. All I did was answer your questions. That's all. Again I have already communicated about this with my husband so I have no reason to be defensive. I still feel there was enough of an emergency to warrant him leaving work. He did in the end... You are right.

Am I sensitive? I'm scared as I leave town today for this surgery. I'm all alone. I think it's normal for me to be sensitive... I'm scared. Am if something happens? He won't even know where I am at... But I'll be sure to give him the information myself.

Please just understand that I've discussed this with him... And I'm very nervous. I'm sure anyone approaching an out of state surgery ...Alone.. Would understand.


#16

[quote="needopinion, post:15, topic:212339"]
I don't believe I was being defensive. All I did was answer your questions. That's all. Again I have already communicated about this with my husband so I have no reason to be defensive. I still feel there was enough of an emergency to warrant him leaving work. He did in the end... You are right.

Am I sensitive? I'm scared as I leave town today for this surgery. I'm all alone. I think it's normal for me to be sensitive... I'm scared. Am if something happens? He won't even know where I am at... But I'll be sure to give him the information myself.

Please just understand that I've discussed this with him... And I'm very nervous. I'm sure anyone approaching an out of state surgery ...Alone.. Would understand.

[/quote]

Maybe your husband is scared too and that's what he does when he's scared...he backs off.

If you guys have talked about everything, then you should, (you don't have to agree), understand why he's not coming. Has he just said, he is not coming or has he told you the underlying reason? Usually it is fear of some kind. Is he staying behind to care for your son?

Good luck with the surgery. I'd be scared too.


#17

Needopinion -

Maybe it will help us better help you if you could clarify which problem is in more immediate need of being addressed?
You have mentioned several problems, that have little to do with the thread title:
Husband overspends
Husband is lacking in empathy
Husband refuses to be physically present when needed
Husband doesn't want another baby
Husband more inclined to adopt
Just finished marital counseling for some more serious problems

Could you rephrase your question or narrow it down a bit for us? This forum is beneficial for people seeking specific advice, but it is very hard to address global issues in this format (too complicated with various intersecting themes). There are many wonderful people here who would love to help, as long as they knew what you are actually wanting to address first.


#18

[quote="mommamaree, post:17, topic:212339"]
Needopinion -

Maybe it will help us better help you if you could clarify which problem is in more immediate need of being addressed?
You have mentioned several problems, that have little to do with the thread title:
Husband overspends
Husband is lacking in empathy
Husband refuses to be physically present when needed
Husband doesn't want another baby
Husband more inclined to adopt
Just finished marital counseling for some more serious problems

Could you rephrase your question or narrow it down a bit for us? This forum is beneficial for people seeking specific advice, but it is very hard to address global issues in this format (too complicated with various intersecting themes). There are many wonderful people here who would love to help, as long as they knew what you are actually wanting to address first.

[/quote]

My take is that Needopinion is a bundle of emotions right now and she's not quite sure either. I really hope her surgery goes well so that she can feel better again.

I've been in her shoes before feeling anxiety, hurt, neglect, sadness, anticipation all at the same time and not knowing what to make of it all or what is really bothering me. I'm hoping that when her surgery is over, she fills us in on anything that is still bothering her so we can help her better.


#19

[quote="needopinion, post:7, topic:212339"]
Well now I have to fly out of state for an outpatient optional surgery. He didn't offer to come. I have told him I'm scared about it and he just says "you will be fine". I have to get a car service to help me out of anesthesia and back to a hotel room. I'm frustrated and sad.
A

[/quote]

Please don't take this any other way than confused, but what kind of surgery would require you to fly out of state? You say it's optional. Couldn't you find a hospital closer to home? Just speaking for myself if I'm going to have surgery, I'd want to come home to my own bed to recuperate.


#20

[quote="Nanny_PK, post:19, topic:212339"]
Please don't take this any other way than confused, but what kind of surgery would require you to fly out of state? You say it's optional. Couldn't you find a hospital closer to home? Just speaking for myself if I'm going to have surgery, I'd want to come home to my own bed to recuperate.

[/quote]

I'm from Canada, but another poster mentioned that some optional surgery is not offered in some states. That's what I'm gathering.


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