Husband is addicted to porn


#1

Hello,

I am new to this website. I am thankful to find that this ministry exists. I am 30 years old, newly married, with no children. Last night I found out that my husband has been using porn-sites. I know that he had this problem in the past (before we were married) and always suspected that it may still be a problem. Last night my worst fears were confirmed.

To make matters worse, I also found that he was looking up escorts in the cities where he has business trips. He says he hasn’t met with anyone…but I don’t believe this. At the very least, I fear that it is just a matter of time.

I have no idea what to do. I was very firm with him when I found this out and told him in no uncertain terms that I will not stand for this in our house. He is a Christian man and he was literally on his knees begging for forgiveness. He knows he sinned against God and against our marriage. He has promised to seek help. He recognizes this is a sickness.

My question is: What can I do on my end to help this terrible situation and to help build a healthy marriage? I am praying constantly and will continue to pray for his strength to avoid temptation. I feel completely alone in all this because I do not want to share this terrible discovery about my husband with my family or friends. He is Catholic and very active in the church and open about his faith with family/friends. They would all be shocked to hear about this.

Thank you.
Jessica R.


#2

Hi Raine,
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. You say your hubby is very active in his parish. How about a very private chat with your priest. Either just your hubby and the priest or the three of you.
Counseling for your hubby and you together may help as well.
Maybe Something is wrong in your relationship that is making him seek porn.
tell your husband how devastated you are and that now you can’t trust him.
I’m glad your prayerlife is strong. Pray to the Archangel Michael and ask his protection of your marriage and to St. Joseph . he is the patron of husbands and fathers;ask for his intercession before the throne of God.
I hope I was able to help a little. My prayers are with you.
God love you!:slight_smile:


#3

I wholeheartedly agree with Marie Rose about having your dh talk to your priest, but a priest isn’t a pyschological counselor, which is what he needs. Your priest may be able to recommend a good counselor, but if he can’t try contacting your diocese for references to solid Catholic counselors.

With respect, though I have to disagree with Marie Rose in suggesting there’s something in your marriage that is causing your dh to view porn and consider adultery. He had this problem before marrying, after all. But, besides this, people are responsible for their own failings and addictions, not family or friends. Family and friends should encourage them get the help they need and not feed into their problems, but they are not the problem.

And you should pray, of course. You can get others to pray for your need by simply calling it a “special intention.” That way no one need know what it entails.

There are support groups for spouses of porn addicts out there. Your priest or diocese might be able to help you find one suited to your needs.


#4

Thank you, Maria Rose.

I agree that a talk with our priest would be good. I will suggest this. I will also pray for the intercession of St. Michael and St. Joseph.

Yes, I am sure there are some areas in our marriage that could use attention, like in all marriages. However, I am cautious about going down this road to explaining away the behavior. Our priest/counselor will help uncover things we can do to strengthen the marriage I am sure. The point is that it is wrong, period. No matter what else is going on in life/marriage/work there is never an excuse for being unfaithful.

The good news is that he is praying also. We will pray together and I am praying to achieve full forgiveness as I know this is what I have to do.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers,
Jessica R.


#5

Thank you, Della. I agree that he did have this problem before we got married. Primarily it is his problem and, as his wife, it is my problem to help solve also.

Do you have any very concrete things I can do while we go through the healing process? I have told him I don’t want him in our bed right now. I know this is not good on a long-term basis, but for now I just can’t imagine having him next to me.

Anything else you would suggest for a tough-love approach?


#6

Yep. Maybe don’t make it so tough that you would later regret. I always end up regretting it if I make things too tough. Plus, it’s easy to fall into judging the person we’re being tough on, and that’s not good for anyone. I can understand why you don’t want him in your bed, but maybe spend some time with him praying, working, walking, talking, engaging in hobbies? Being hurt and not wishing for intimacy is one thing, but don’t contempt him. We’re all humans and we’ve all sinned.


#7

I would suggest reading Dr. Laura’s book, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”.


#8

I would completely disagree with this. Put him in your bed and have as much sex as you can with him so he does not even think about porn.

I don’t say this to sound “dirty”. I say it because he has a distorted sense of sexuality reality, and as you are married, you are his true reality when it comes to sex and he needs to come back to reality.


#9

I highly recommend it as well as “the proper care and feeding of marriage” By Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Both books are available through amazon.com
or your local bookstore.
God love you!


#10

Thank you, Maria Rose. I look for these books.
J


#11

That does not work. You could have sex all day long and it would do nothing to satisfy what is eating at him: lust.


#12

Before you have sex with him, get the both of you to a doctor now. It doesn’t matter if he said he never did anything, neither of you (and especially you yourself) can afford the risk of disease. He’s putting your life and your family at risk. Get a thorough exam and blood checks. And if he doesn’t like it – well, neither do you, but disease is only the beginning of what this kind of behavior can bring.


#13

Dulcissima,

Thank you for your comments and for putting into words what I was thinking. Also, the truth be told, I have no desire to be intimate after his unfaithfulness in this way. It’s going to take quite a while before I trust him again.
Jess


#14

Excellent point. I will do this asap. Thank you.


#15

Dr. Laura’s book has NOTHING to do with a man addicted to porn. Raine has NOTHING to do with her husband being addicted to porn.

Raine,

I highly suggest the Catholic website www.dads.org… Steve Woods has resources and a support system for men with this type of addiction.

Also, www.pureloveclub.com is a resource although geared towards young people.

There’s also a book called “Every Man’s Battle” which deals with sexual temptation. I don’t know if it’s Catholic or generic-Christian.


#16

This is unsound advice for a number of reasons.

(1) Porn is not about sex. It’s not about how much sex he is or isn’t having with his wife.

(2) If he’s been having relations with an escort, or is suspected of it, she should not engage in sex with her husband until they have both been tested for STDs and HIV.

(3) You are implying that Raine is somehow responsible for her husband’s addiction, which is completely false.

(4) “have as much sex as you can to avoid porn” is demeaning to the Marriage covenant. It reduces sex to a device, a means to an end, and the spouses to objects. And, it does nothing to solve the porn issue. He’ll be right back on the internet tomorrow.


#17

Great points.

Great starting points. One more site that is extremely helpful is Ken Henderson’s TRUE KNIGHTS.

There is some very good reading here. It may be easier for him to start here (or one of the site’s above) for answers to his addiction than to seek professional help (although that may come done the line).

And always pray for him… Satan is attacking, and he knows our weaknesses!

.


#18

Thank you for your suggestions and prayers. This is all very helpful.


#19

Raine, Theres a man on the radio that I think you should call.

His name is Roy Masters , his website is Fhu.com

I also struggled with the same issue as your husband but this man gave me the insight to overcome this addiction through the holy spirit.

Also I know your trying to keep this private , this way would be a good way to go about this with getting some great insight on your circumstance. He has a Radio Show that airs Monday -Friday 10-12pm West Coast time, but check out his website .

I will Pray for you and Your Husband

Michael Of San Diego


#20

Thank you, Michael. Did you also struggle with the same problem? If so, what helped you most?

Thank you.


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