My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have 3 children. 3 months into our marriage, with me expecting our son, he tells me he loves me but isn’t in love with me, that the love of his life is his old girlfriend (10 year relationship, she was married, he asked her to leave her husband and marry him and she said no, she is a few years older). I was devastated. We are Catholic, marriage is forever. I told hime I had enough love for both of us, and he said he would come to love me more over time. Every 6 months or so he hints at divorce. They have been in communication via phone and email and text the whole time. He lies to me about this, I confront him with proof (gathered from snooping), he says he can’t trust me and therefore can’t love me, and says he won’t stop communicating with her because he loves her and she is a true friend. The have seen each other a few times. Today I fould emails from this week where he said she “still takes his breath away” and that he loves her. My husband said to me this morning on his way to work that he loves me. We make love 3+ times a week. We are not young people- I am in my late 30’s and he is in his early 40’s. What on earth do I do? I love him, I love my children, and I do not want a divorce. I want him to stop.
* I have no words, maybe later I will, but I’m just sick to my stomach reading this…I am so sorry!! I will keep you and your marriage in my prayers…forgive me, I’m just stunned reading that a husband would be such a jerk to his wife like this, I’m sorry. *
Why would he stop? He probably knows you won’t leave him. I’d get out of this as soon as possible if I were you. You’re being emotionally abused.
*Okay, I’m a little calmer now…I’m sorry, this just shocks me.
If your husband refuses to stop seeing this woman, and email her, etc. then, your marriage will include another woman. You have to ask yourself if that is what you want for yourself. You matter, you know. :o I would suggest counseling, but if your husband refuses to stop seeing this person, and turn his focus on you, counseling will be a waste of time, energy, and money on your part. He has to stop seeing this woman, and turn his full focus back to you, his wife. If he is not willing to do that, then you have some tough decisions to make…personally, I wouldn’t sleep with him, if he is seeing this woman. You have no idea where she has been…and making love while my husband tells me he is in love with another woman, that just wouldn’t be happening with me.
I am all for forgiveness, and all for repairing marriages…but, your husband doesn’t sound like he is willing to end this ‘relationship’ with this woman, and until he does that, your marriage will remain in this limbo state, and you waiting for your husband to call the next shot. A husband isn’t supposed to be a puppeteer, and wives the puppets. You matter here…I am so sorry this is happening to you. :console:
Have you talked to your parish priest about all of this?? *
Wow, he is really being bold about this affair. In my opinion one of two things is happening:
He is a very wounded man and he is acting out. Maybe he already has a very fragile sense of self due to childhood issues and he is having a hard time “competing” with the kids and life at getting your attention. So, like a child or teen rebelling against their parents, he is hurting you to get a reaction and to feel special. At the same time, he gets to escape into fantasy land with some woman who thinks he is all that. Now he has two women after him, what a stud. The second scenario is that he is just a sick emotional abuser and selfish person who is entirely blind to how wrong what he is doing is and he just wants to bring chaos and pain to anyone and everyone as he gets his own selfish pleasure. Having, never met him I don’t know, but I do know that he either has to end the affair or end it with you. Stop sleeping with him please, you are only giving him the green light to get the best of both worlds and to introduce diseases into your life. I echo the advice of others, see a priest and try your best…but you can only do so much with a man if he is unwilling to give up his mistress. I am definitely of the mindset that marriage is for life…but not at the expense of severe emotional abuse and affairs like this case seems to be. I think that you may already be emotionally abused by him because of the fact that you are still sleeping with him, where as an emotionally healthy woman would not agree to that. You cannot be a doormat, your kids need a strong mother. Keep the door open for him to reconsile with you ONLY if the affair with the other woman is over.
I agree, Mia. Regarding the possiblilites of him rebelling to get her attention…three months into the marriage? Sounds like he never got over this girlfriend, married his current wife, and now the gf is available…and he thinks he can have things both ways. Sad situation.
Speaking from a man’s perspective - this is 100% right on
*Wait…I just reread the OP…so he was dating the ex gf when she was married, too? :eek: I just caught that. He doesn’t seem to have a respect for marriage, in general…others, nor his own. *
Wow, I somehow skipped over this part to.
To the OP - Was he dating a married women for 10 years prior to marrying you? Did you know about it? If this is the case, your husband is going to have to have a complete spiritual overhaul in order for their to be any sort of functional union between the two of you. He is lost in an abyss of adultery and disrespect for God’s union. I also think you need to ask yourself if the affair between the two of them ever ended? You even have to visit the possiblity that he got married only because he knew he would never be able to marry the woman he was truly in love with but also didn’t want to be “alone” in life.
First off, I am very sorry you are going through this. I will definitely pray for you, your kids and your marriage. You deserve to be respected and he is not respecting you. How can he tell you he loves this other woman, tell her “she still takes his breath away” and tell you he loves you when he goes to work?
I agree, he probably has some emotional issues in the past that he never worked out. Did his parents get a divorce?
I also agree that he probably feels like you will not leave him and he is taking advantage of that. I know you love him and you love your kids, but this has to stop.
When you make love, you are renewing your wedding vows. I’m not marriage counselor or Church authority, but if he is not willing to make that vow to you, then I would not make love any more. He promised to love and cherish you in those vows, something it sounds like he is not really doing now. He cannot have it both ways. He needs counseling and I would recommend that the two of you together get some marriage counseling. I would also find a good solid priest and talk to him.
I have heard so many good things about Marriage Encounter and I would recommend it. I would say that if you husband loves you, he will go on one of these weekends with you. That being said, it may be hard to get him to go even if he does love you, because he probably feel like he will be told HE needs to change all these thing. Lets face it, nobody likes to be told they are wrong.
Wow, what is with all these unfaithful husbands!
You have my prayers. I don’t even know what advice to give, this stuff is just so hard. I think a good place to start would be with your priest and a good Catholic counselor.
The truth is your husband is not in “love” with this woman. He is in “love” with a fantasy he has created concerning this woman. And of course since in his fanatasy he never has to see her angry, or sick or fed up after dealiing with three children all day it is impossble for you to compete. Have you talked to the “other woman”? Does she know the problems she is causing in your marriage? The potential damge she will cause to three children becuase she refuses to let go?
In theory, that sounds good bob…but nothing is worse…NOTHING, than two women fighting over a man. :dts: Maybe drinking Clorox :hmmm: …but other than that, nothing worse. He needs to be a man, be a husband and father, and end this. The OP has lost enough dignity already…he needs to end it, otherwise it will never end, frankly.
I suspect you are right-you know us guys-always wanting to “fix”. But the other woman is as much at blame as the husband. And the sad part is if he ever did marry the other woman he would quickly see that the reality of their relationship does not match the fantasy he created.
i think you needsome to go to your husband, drag him out back, and remind him what it takes to be a man. Perhaps with force.
(In the old days, this probably would’ve happend, maybe it still should)
No one deserves this. What a jerk.
Forgot to say this earlier…but since she is still married…have you gone to her husband to let him know what has been going on?
Now, I do not think this is the solution per say, because the goal is not to get your husband back by having the husband find out, but just as a service to this other man who has an unfaithful wife so that he may protect himself from disease and heart ache.
You can’t beat a man into becoming a man; the person described in the OP is a coward, a liar and a sexual thief. He needs to be booted out of the house and told to figure out what he wants. Then, if he is ready to accept and embrace his role, he can return.
There comes a time in certain marriages when if is no longer about the man or woman, but the children. What are they seeing modeled? A man who uses and manipulates his wife like this is showing his children what a bad husband looks like - it’s likely a model they’ll emulate.
One person cannot make a marriage. One can stop a cycle of mutual pain, but one cannot bring back an unwilling party. He needs some “alone time” to figure out his priorities.
I would counsel taking the needs of the children into account at this point. This man is abusive and that is generational.
*No, you’re right, too…I agree. I’m only speaking from my personal opinion. If my husband was hanging out with an old flame, telling me he still loved her, was sleeping with me, not sure if he was sleeping with her, sending me on an emotional roller coaster everyday…I would muster up the remaining parts of what I had left of my dignity, and would not talk to the "other woman.’’ I agree, she is to blame also. Sadly, he could be lying to her too…telling her he is leaving his wife. Never know. Men and women who do this, say all sorts of things to keep both sides suspended.
MinnesotaMom, don’t despair. God never abandons us, He is always with us. Where we are weak, He is strong. Let Him carry you through this. *
I agree. Gives us faithful husband a bad rep a little bit.
No, you can’t, but goodness knows that If I ever did anything like that to my future wife, my dad would kill me.