Husband is too supportive


#1

I have a strange problem. I've been doing some griefwork recently and it's been hard but worth it. Getting to the point of crying has been long coming but it's been an amazing relief. My DearHusband (and I mean that literally) cannot stand to hear me cry, though, and will come to comfort me by trying to talk me into a better mood. I can't get him to understand that crying is necessary and that if he wants to help he should hold me and provide tissues. Any ideas?


#2

[quote="jazzbaby1, post:1, topic:244030"]
I have a strange problem. I've been doing some griefwork recently and it's been hard but worth it. Getting to the point of crying has been long coming but it's been an amazing relief. My DearHusband (and I mean that literally) cannot stand to hear me cry, though, and will come to comfort me by trying to talk me into a better mood. I can't get him to understand that crying is necessary and that if he wants to help he should hold me and provide tissues. Any ideas?

[/quote]

Thank you for sharing your story! Please be assured of my prayers. Please tell your husband that you love him, then tell him thank you, then tell him you love him again.

Is it possible for you to try (as much as possible anyway) and give yourself space to cry when you are alone and your husband is not home? That way you can get releif and he is not uncomfortable which makes things even more difficult for you.

You should be honest and simply ask your husband to let you cry, but I suspect you may have already done this? Unfortunately your husband may not be at the point where he can just hold you and provide tissues. There may be an instinct in him that he wants to protect you from sorrow and it is painful for him to just let you cry. As his wife you can and should always ask him, but know that he may not be able to do this.

He sounds like such a loving man. You are wonderful in realizing that he is not perfect though, and he never will be. It is good to ask him for what you need but also keeeping in mind that just by telling him what you need does not mean you will get it. Best wishes to you dear one and please be assured of my prayers.


#3

Men, in general, are do-ers. When there is a problem, the like to analyze it and figure out a solution to it. When the problem has to do with their loved one, usually a wife or girlfriend, they want to find a solution to the problem as quickly as possible, since they care deeply about this person and don't want to see them in pain. So, they do what they think is best to help with the situation, when often times women just want to work through their feelings (I know how you feel - I love a good cry when I've had a hard day!).

A good friend of mine came up with a solution for this that works well between her and her husband. When she is feeling overwhelmed and just needs some time to herself, or a good cry, she tells her husband that he can best help her by vacuuming the house. He feels good that he is helping her in the way she has identified as a possible solution to the problem, she gets some time to have her cry, and he is able to take some of the burden of vacuuming off of her plate. This works with dishes, laundry, and making beds as well.

It seems a bit silly, but it works wonders for them. He is very much a problem solver, and she is someone who feels emotions quite deeply, and, as many women know, a good cry can solve many of our problems. I'd suggest having an open and honest conversation about what you need in terms of emotional support, and how that support will look (sometimes being left alone is the best thing for us). Find a way to get what you need, while giving your husband the opportunity to feel that he is helping you.


#4

Here is an idea, not sure if it will go over well but think about it and decide if you think it could help.

At a time when you DON"T need to cry sit your husband down and tell him (and yes use these words)

'Honey, I appreciate your support SO much but I don't think you realize there are some things I need to do myself. When I have nausea, I need to vomit. I realize you don't like seeing me do that but I must do it to get the bad out. Crying is the same thing. If you try to talk me out of it, it gets stuffed. Please when I cry, let me cry. After I am finished then could you please give me a hug'

I feel for you because I personally get VERY angry when I am in the middle of a good cry and someone tries to talk me out of it. I find it SUCH an emotionally impossible torture to have to convince someone to leave me alone when all I want to do is cry. And I RESENT the guilt trip 'But I am uncomfortable when you cry'

CM


#5

Dear jazzbaby1, I understand, but this is the deal with husbands: They love you so much they want to fix everything for you. My husband is the same way. Maybe you just want to vent, but he wants to make your life happy and better. You are so lucky. Thank God for him!:)


#6

[quote="jazzbaby1, post:1, topic:244030"]
I . Any ideas?

[/quote]

with some men, those sometimes uncomfortable about expressing their own emotions, the only solution is crying someplace else, or going to your own room, or out for a walk, when those inevitable moments come on. Then at another time when neither of you is too emotional, thank him for his support, but remind him that crying is a natural way of working through grief and ask him not to do anything at those times but just be there for you. Tell him you know he loves you and he does not need to say anything, just having him there is enough comfort for you.


#7

I had the same problem. My husband would do everything to comort me and would take it personally if I wanted to be left alone and cry. Like he wasn’t doing a good job or something. He would even tell me so. It took a million explanations from me to let him know that some things have nothing to do with him, that he is a great guy, that I love him, etc. It took a while but he got it in the end. Men…:smiley:


#8

[quote="Contra_Mundum, post:7, topic:244030"]
I had the same problem. My husband would do everything to comort me and would take it personally if I wanted to be left alone and cry. Like he wasn't doing a good job or something. He would even tell me so. It took a million explanations from me to let him know that some things have nothing to do with him, that he is a great guy, that I love him, etc. It took a while but he got it in the end. Men...:D

[/quote]

Now I'm really confused as to what women want! :confused:


#9

What he’s doing or even the way he’s doing it, is not a failure of any sort, in fact he’s reacting like a good man should in the default situation! And in fact, I think a woman would be acting similarly here (i.e. worrying and reluctant to accept that she shouldn’t worry and take it to heart but just survive it).

Jazzbaby, have you tried just asking him to “hold you and provide tissues” like you said here? Something like, “Can you please just hold me and provide tissues and not worry about the crying? The crying is necessary, I need to process it.” Short, up to the point communication but in a friendly tone is very efficient with men.


#10

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