Husband isn't sleeping at home


#1

I posted this summer about DH moving in with another woman for 7 weeks, he came home to try and work on the marriage. I thought we were doing fine. He didn’t want to talk about “the past” so we didn’t. We did a few “get aways” and those were nice. Then school started and he started his new job and things just got busy… then the week before Thanksgiving he said things just weren’t working and he was in contact with that other woman again. He said he’d stick around for the holidays. The day after Christmas he started staying the night over there again ;-(

I miss him so much!! We chat often, he mentions things like separation, divorce, bankruptcy etc… it breaks my heart. I haven’t given up though. I see in his eyes he is suffering. It hurts him that he is doing this to his kids and me, but I guess it doesn’t hurt enough. He didn’t call any of us today ;-(

I’m doing my best to treat him well when he is here. I want home to be a welcoming place so he might decide to come back. He says he isn’t planning on moving in with her, but financially he can’t afford a place of his own. All the money still goes to our account to pay bills. He asked what he should do with his wedding band. That broke my heart and made me cry. This was yesterday evening. Before he left for the night I put out my hand and had him give it to me. I’d rather have it here with me than to have that nasty lady take it off for him or something like that. I pray so hard that one day I will be able to put it back on his finger where it BELONGS. Please pray for our three kids, me and my husband??

Thanks,
J


#2

Oh my I am so sorry to hear about your situation… you will be in my prayers.


#3

Dear God, I pray that this man will put aside the false happiness that he finds outside of his marriage. I ask St. Joseph to intercede for this family, that they may be made whole again. Heavenly Father, touch his heart and call him once again to the life of a christian husband and father. Amen.


#4

M’am, I’m nowhere near qualified to give much advice, just do the best you can. Sometimes we men go through a time when we question everything in our lifes (usually around 40) Our career, our choices, wifes and home. Just remind him the grass is NEVER greener on the other side in this situation, and he needs to come, and get forgiveness from those he has hurt and from God. :gopray:


#5

and sometimes men are selfish jerks whose only concern is taking care of what lies below the belt.

OP needs to talk to her priest and her lawyer in that order.


#6

:thumbsup: Well put.

Kathy


#7

J,
I have been where you are. I still can remember the pain of trying to be “good enough” and thinking that if I was nicer, prettier, a better mother, kept a cleaner house, whatever then he would leave her and come home.
My only advice to you is to take care of yourself and your little ones. You have no control over him and his decisions. Just make sure that you and your children are financially, physically, and emotionally OK.
My prayers are with you :hug1:


#8

I third that!! J, you are a child of God and deserve better.


#9

I totally agree!

J, you are enabling him to keep stringing you along and play with your emotions. He is selfish and self-centered. I’m sorry, but, I can’t be charitable when I hear that someone is destroying their family. I would have told him to shove that ring where the sun doesn’t shine.

Oops, I should have paid more attention to my signature! :smiley:


#10

Hi J;

I’m so sorry for what you’re in. Yes, your husband is lost right now–in sin. Sin can sometimes overwhelm us. I think though, if he is ‘shacking up’ with another woman, your marriage really isn’t one, at this point. I had hope at the beginning of your thread, but with the title, I knew he had gone back to her. (I remember your prior thread about this) My advice would be to give him a ‘deadline’ so to speak. That may sound strange, or like I’m telling you to stay in something that is bad–but I asked my husband for a separation 8 years ago, and after about a year and a half, he gave me a 6 month ‘deadline’ and if I didn’t want to move forward (we were just living in limbo, although my circumstance was different than your husband’s) and before the deadline, I wanted to work on the marriage, I went to confession…we grew in our faith together, and here we are now. My husband didn’t/doesn’t believe in divorce, and everyone in his family (except his mom bless her heart) told him to leave me. I might have told him to as well, if it were me.:o But, my problems with the marriage were not the same as yours, everyone’s are different. I actually had a problem with my childhood, and a fear of commitment. I didn’t see myself as a wife, at that time. Now, your husband living with another woman–that is just plain wrong, as you know. It is not an example that you want for your kids.

However, kids don’t need to know everything that is going on. My advice, if you don’t know what to do right now (and when in doubt, do nothing) is to give your husband a set number of weeks, or months…and not a second more. You will need to decide what timeframe is doable for you. But, that he is living and carrying on with another woman is a whole other ballgame too. I absolutely would take the advice of other posters as well, for your own sake…get a lawyer. But, perhaps, giving him a timeline, and just leaving it at that–will allow you to reflect on if you still want to remain with this man, and if he is willing to dump this woman, and do the right and holy thing as your husband.

In the meantime, I’m praying for you. Please feel free to pm me if you like. I’m so sorry again for this. :frowning:


#11

Perhaps in that order, but only by minutes. Please protect yourself and your children, dear OP.


#12

I think it’s well past the time to put an end to this emotionally abusive game. Your husband is waaaaaaay out of line. How dare he think that he can go play with this woman and then come home and pretend you are a family and live in the home?! It’s time for a wake-up call for both of you.

It’s time to give him a choice. The free ride is over. He either needs to decide to stay home and work on the marriage and forget about this woman for good or he needs to get out of the house immediately. He’s not staying in your house because he wants to work things out with you, he’s staying there to suit his OWN financial needs. He’s using you.

Visit your priest, then visit a lawyer, and then it’s decision time for hubby. And in the mean time, storm Heaven.


#13

He isn’t coming home and “playing family”, he pops to see the kids. He picks them up from the bus stop, goes to basketball games, picks up and drops off at various afterschool activities. He’s trying to do what’s right for the kids except where I am concerned.

I have always believed in marriage for a life time. I would no doubt permanently seperate if there was abuse of me or the children. He has always been kind. I can see in his eyes the guilt and he does suffer some when he sees I am in pain BUT he’s in a fog right now. He came over today and we had a nice visit. He’ll be coming by a couple times this week to cook and eat supper with us. I’ve been praying for him. I’ve asked for others to pray for him. I don’t know if he’s in some sort of depression or mid-life crisis, whatever it is I still love him and hope that one day soon he will return body, soul, and heart to us, his family.

I appreciate everyones suggestions, advice, encouragement, but most of all your PRAYERS- thank you!!

J


#14

J, I’m praying for you.

I understand that you believe in the permanence of marriage and that is admirable. BUT…I would advise that you need to take steps to ensure your (and your childrens’) financial security. If your state has legal separation, that is worth looking into. If your state does not have legal separation, you can still visit a lawyer to see if a separation agreement can be drawn up and signed in front of a judge. The agreement covers who pays the bills, where his paycheck gets depositied, and who may make use of the family home.

A man who has given you back his wedding ring is NOT to be trusted to just keep on paying for the house he’s no longer living in. Especially if money is tight and he has a GF on the side who would probably LOVE to have some of his money spent on HER.

Separation doesn’t do anything to hurt the possibility of reconciliation in the future, if he has a miraculous change of heart. And it would be a miracle, dear, I’m sorry.

Get thee to a lawyer, and we’ll all keep praying for you and your hubby and kids.


#15

J…I’ve thought a lot before posting here, I was once in your shoes as many here can attest to. The people here have been wonderful to me and helped me get through some of the toughest times in my life, with their prayers, consoling words and advice/suggestions.

I am in the middle of a divorce from a man who, at the moment, lives with his 20yo mistress and their two kids…I tried everything to keep my marriage together, but I got tired of finding out about his girlfriends, the nights he didn’t come home and the lies. I was also tired of having to be tested for std’s every time I found out about another one of his girlfriends. My ds was 8 months old at the time and I was 4 months pregnant when I decided that I’d had enough, my home wasn’t a place he could just show up when he wanted to, I was not some whore he’d picked up off the street or some bar…I was his wife and with that came some respect and responsibility. He was getting to live the life he wanted and he didn’t care how it affected me. When I talked to him about ending it and separating he’d give me those sad puppy dog eyes, told me that I was the love of his life and he didn’t want to lose me or his family…things were good until the weekend came along and he’d disappear until Monday or Tuesday.

I realized that I was aiding in his treatment of me and his total disrespect and disregard of our family by letting him come back as often as he wanted. I also found out that by allowing that it would be used against me in a divorce case and an annulment case, because I would be told that I “knew” what was going on and accepted it, therefore I couldn’t use it against him. So I made my decision, he was not going to continue to emotionally and mentally abuse me anymore and I knew that I did not want that kind of life for my children. On Dec. 27th 2005 he was no longer allowed in my home, till this day he has just barely stepped into my home.

It hurt really bad…on May 22nd, 2006 I had my little girl and on May 23rd, 2006 I lost her…that was the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through and losing him was nothing compared to losing my child. I have no feelings for him anymore except that he just irritates me and now going through the divorce he’s acting like a jerk…what’s new…and I have a feeling that he’s going to be able to rile up some anger. I pray that once this is over I will never have to deal with him again. I pray for him, I know that he’s a miserable person, I wish him happiness and that one day he may experience the love and mercy of our Lord.

Life goes on and I can say that I am much happier and healthier without him, I can be the mom that I’m meant to be because I have peace. I will pray that God and the Holy Spirit guide you and give you the strength to make the choices you need to make, it’s not easy, but with God anything is possible. I prayed a lot to the Holy Spirit, God and our Blessed Mother…they gave me what I needed to do what I needed, I’m sure they will be there for you too along with these great people on CAF.


#16

I’m scared to go to a lawyer. I still have hopes that he will come out of this, come to his senses. If I go the legal route that might completely push him away. If you could see the way he is, and if you knew his heart, you’d know that he is suffering too. All of his pay goes into our account and I always pay the bills and then he takes out some money if he needs it. I will watch the account carefully, but I really am not worried about that yet.

Thank you for your support and prayers,
J


#17

I will pray for your family. I can imagine your hesitance to see a lawyer when you’re still hoping for your husband to come home and reconcile, but you owe it to yourself and your children to know what your legal rights are if he decides to leave for good. Just because you see a lawyer doesn’t mean you need to file papers or make anything official, you can just visit to see what your options are if it comes to that.


#18

I agree. You need to know how to protect yourself in case he takes this further. I would also make sure with the bank that he cannot block you from accessing the account or that he cannot add his mistress. Ensure that they will notify you before making any requested changes.


#19

You need to go to a lawyer to prove that you are serious. You need the advice he could give.

He might tell you to document things. He might tell of legal things that can be done now that none of us here know about or think to apply to your situation.

On a “that’s not helpful” note, my wife and I think you should change the locks when he’s gone and make him knock to get in, but that’s because he’s a jerk. He gave you back his ring, after all.


#20

Even if he cannot block her from the account, he has every legal right to withdraw all the funds and close the account without her permission. J could wake up one day with no way to pay bills. I’d keep praying and keep working toward reconciliation while seeing a lawyer about my rights.

And, please J, consider seeing a doctor for STD tests if you have not already. Your babies need their mommy in good health.


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