I had told him Saturday nite that I couldnt tolerate living in the same home knowing he was seeing another woman. He suggested I take my mom and leave, but he knew that was physically impossible.
The next day (one week from serving me) he came home just before I was going out the door with my son to go to Sunday mass, and he asked if he could come. I could see he was upset, so I asked if he was okay, he cried said no, I told him were strong we would get through this. We went to mass. and I felt close to him again, felt his strength. He teared up during mass, as did I… I knew we would have A LOT to work through, but I am of one flesh with this man (and I told him that I would fight spiritually to save my marriage, for my own sake if for anything else). We went about the Sunday in a loving, family way. He held my hand at mass and all day, and held me all night saying he loved me.
Monday we got on with our day, a little awkward but feeling new promise, new beginning, new things to tackle but together we could come out stronger. That night when he came home he was distant again. Tuesday morning even more so. He picked up my son from school on Tuesday, told our son he was leaving me, and our home. He walked into our home, handing me a note saying he didnt love me, appreciated my fervor to fight, but Sunday was just a fleeting moment… I swear if I didnt know any better I would think he was seriously trying to break my heart so badly I would die, and he would be able to remarry in the church.
I did get a lawyer, but I do NOT want to. To me thats just fuel for bitterness and anger. I dont WANT anything Im entitled to except to spend my life and eternity with my husband. But I do feel extremely vulnerable to say the least. I am not a great wife, Im needy and I cant keep house and weve been closer to roommates than spouses, but I love him and he has loved me. And our son is completely heartbroken (hes special needs with ADD and mild form of autism) but wont show his emotions around his dad at ALL. So I am left in this wake. I know its my fault, but I am willing to FIX my faults and have dove headfirst into doing just that. I am now completely caring for my son, my mom, myself. I have a therapist and Im feeling better a smidge, but I cant control my body very well, and have to pick and choose what I do to keep my body going for the necessities. Most importantly I have realized how much I truly need, and have SORELY missed attending church and being involved. I hope he doesnt see this as me trying flash the “no divorce in catholic faith” thing at him. Well… yes I suppose I am! Like I said… someone might as well tell me, “Im filing to take your baptism away” because I hold my bond to him in the same regard.
I know this is a hugely long post. But its a horribly twisted tale. A nasty rollercoaster I cant seem to find my way off of. I went to mass today and it was about marriage and adultery, He wasnt at mass today. He did meet us for lunch and he looks TERRIBLE. Tired and weary. I want to slap him and say stop all of this (and then hug him)! Even if he wants to divorce, to do it in this manner is so awful for him, too. So my heart breaks again, for him. Because, as I have mentioned. I do still love him.
God Bless you if you made it to the end of this post. Any suggestions would be most welcome.