Husband left wife and kids


#1

Someone close to me recently had her husband leave her on her bday. They have two small children. The youngest one is sad, and the older one is “angry” and “hates” her father.

This woman left the Catholic Church 10 years prior due to this man who “evangelized” her and “saved” her. So sometimes it is hard when she tells me her feelings and sometimes asks me questions because her beliefs are so different than mine now.

I have a hard time with these:

  1. I don’t believe in divorce and remarriage, but he did this not me. He left us, so I have to do what I have to do.
  2. God may have caused this to bring me someone better soon, He wouldn’t want us to live alone.

When asked about moving from her current home due to possible retaliation from her husband who left (whom was served up divorce papers just a few days back):
3) I just have to have faith that’s all.

In case 1: I have a hard time with this cause I don’t believe divorce is “okay” simply cause one spouse decided to leave. Her point though is that God wouldn’t want her to live miserable the rest of her life so she has to find someone eventually to make her happy.

In case 2: Kind of related to case 1, I have a hard time with this one because it makes it seem like God caused the divorce and may be the cause of broken families to bring something “better” along.

In case 3: Where she says she just has to have faith that this guy won’t come around and do her family harm. I have a problem here cause many people of great faith suffered great harm including the Apostles. We can have faith but also we can run from persecution or hide.

Any thoughts of how to make these points logically and with clarity? If it helps to know: she is a member of Calvary Chapel.

God Bless.


#2

Does she think that without a man in her life she cannot be happy/fulfilled? It’s not her fault if he left, but that doesn’t mean she should just start looking for the next guy. Maybe you can encourage her to spend this “alone” time focussing on her Lord (same Lord of Catholics and Protestants) and growing closer in relationship with Him.

Is she afraid of physical harm from her husband? If so, then, I guess I would say “good riddance” but she needs to protect those two small children. Yes, she should have faith in God to protect, but He has given those children a mother to protect them. She cannot just think about herself in this situation.


#3

Is she seeking your advice or are you reacting to her comments about her difficult situation? You don’t explain the nature of your relationship–is she a close relative or a neighbor you know only superficially? If want to maintain a relationship with her and your advice is not being solicited–keep your thoughts to yourself. We are not entitled to meddle in another’s person’s private life EVEN IF we think we know a better way.


#4

Her point aside for now, the Church (in CCC 2383) says “…If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the chidren, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.” As she’s been abandoned by her husband, a civil divorce might be the way in which she can attain child support, etc. so don’t be too hard on her over the divorce.

Now as to her comment, if she indeed said something indicating she thinks remarriage is the way to find happiness, her attitude is troubling. I don’t know if she was originally married in the Church or if the Church might consider her first marriage invalid or not. As she’s not currently Catholic, she probably doesn’t even care about that. Nevertheless, this woman has children to raise–children who were abandoned by their father. Her children could be a beautiful source of happiness for her. God is yet another source of happiness; ultimately He’s the only source of happiness

God wouldn’t cause the break-up, but He does allow evil only to bring about a greater good, like the Crucifixion brings about the Resurrection. Yet, “better” won’t likely be another husband.

Sometimes people refer to the person who first witnessed Christ to them in a way that particularly touched them as being the one who “saved” them, but that phrasing highlights an areas where your friend seems to struggle. Jesus saves us. Spouses and children may participate with Him as we work out our salvation with fear and trembling, but it’s Jesus who ultimately saves us. It sounds like she’s looking for salvation and happiness from a common man, rather than true happiness and salvation that only Jesus brings.

When talking with your friend, don’t sound judgemental, but witness to her the Bridegroom that she really needs–Jesus. Witness to her His bride, the Church which she left a few years ago when she thought this wife-leaving husband of hers “saved” her. If you can help bring this woman closer to Jesus and back to the Catholic Church, the other concerns will fall into place.


#5

She may have ‘left the Church’ but this could be your chance to show her how the Church never left her…


#6

Seeking advice, confiding in me, etc. Extremely close and she is a relative.

God Bless.


#7

She believes that it is a possibility that physical harm can be done especially when he gets slapped with divorce papers. Not sure why that would set him off since he left, who knows? My advice to her was to find a new house in a different area of town so that he doesn’t know her immediate location. She says she just have to have faith, and I guess moving isn’t an option in her mind.

Why wear a seat belt as a precaution then if all we have to do is have faith that we won’t get hurt?


#8

I think that there is more to this story than she is revealing. She may have seen this coming. If he has never been abusive in any form in the past, then she is trying to start the process of making him the bad guy 100%. She first needs to start therapy to get through this pain. Also, she needs to know that she should NEVER bad mouth her children’s father infront of her children, NEVER. No one else should do the same either, NEVER. She does not need to start thinking that God is just going to send her someone else. She needs to be at peace with who she is and the way things sound, she’s not at peace. If she just had the divorce papers delivered, then I would suspect that she knew that he was going to leave, that it wasn’t just out of the blue (especially if she’s talking about God sending her another man).

Everyone I’ve known who’s been through a divorce did not even think about the prospect of another spouse entering their life so soon in the seperation process (unless one of the spouses was having an affair, then the spouse having the affair was the one who thought about the possiblity of another spouse, at least that was the case with my dad who had multiple affairs). SOmething just doesn’t fit right with the information that you have told us.


#9

Red flags went up when I read she said something along the lines of ’needing someone to make her happy’. She needs a professional. yeh, there maybe more to this story.


#10

I think the poor woman is in shock. Her husband left her on her birthday. What a prize he is…she has 2 children to think of. It’s going to take 1-3 years for her to come out on the other side of that tunnel she has just entered. Even when you know that your marriage is in crisis, when it finally comes down to the packing and signing of papers, it’s like a kick to the stomach. So I wouldn’t take anything she says right now very seriously. There’s a lot going on under the surface that she can’t even articulate at the moment. Her old life is over, she has no clue what the future holds and I’ll tell you, it is scary. Divorce is right up there on the list of stressfsul events. So please, just listen to her and don’t judge. A divorce is like a death and there are stages one has to go through, and you cannot rush through them.


#11

I know some people who work for Calvary Chapel here in Montreal. They are very gracious people (my experience).

I will keep your friend and her family in my prayers.
love tony


closed #12

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