Husband lying to me - what do I do?


#1

Despite the fact that I post on here reasonably frequently about how I have a very infrequent sex life and my husband's female friend who I don't much like, and what I'm about to post about now, I do have high hopes for my marriage...

My husband has struggled with the temptation to look at pornography since he was a teenager, like many men (and women I suppose I should add for the sake of fairness). He told me about nine months ago that he doesn't look at it anymore because he knows it is wrong and it upsets me. (I have explained to him in detail why I and the Church believe it is sinful despite the world's embrace of porn.) Anyway, today I ask to use his iPod to research something that I wanted to know - not important really. I went to type in the search bar and accidentally pressed the wrong key - and up various lewd search items came. I was bowled over with shock. I felt so....betrayed, in a way. He confidently lied to me about not looking at porn anymore. I checked the search history on his iPod thought and thought for hours about whether or not to say something, and in the end, I did. I said 'I thought you didn't look at women doing dodgy things to one another on the internet?' 'No, I don't.' he replied. 'Why?' I explained what I came across and he attempted to look confused and tried to suggest that somehow these search terms had come BY THEMSELVES. Now I feel humiliated and angry because my husband obviously thinks I am completely stupid. Part of me feels angry because he KNOWS I'm not stupid and am of (slightly) above average intelligence.

I don't know what to do. Him lying to me avoids the problem. It means I can't talk to him about how to help him with this problem. I want to scream at him 'DO YOU THINK I'M !@%$$ STUPID???' I also don't understand why he is lying to me because in other ways, he is a terrible liar. When I ask him things like, for example, 'Did you eat that piece of cake that I wanted for dessert?', he'll grin sheepishly and it's obvious, or so it seems, that he can't keep a straight face and honestly pretend he didn't.

To be honest, aside from the gigantic problem that porn presents in a marriage, I am equally worried about the fact he doesn't respect me enough to tell me the truth.

Sorry for rambling. I honestly don't know what to do.

(PS. I feel as though there is some kind of strange crisis balance in my marriage. Sex life has improved slightly and his friend isn't as much of a pain in the backside as usual....and now this!)


#2

Your husband needs to talk to a priest. As always, you will be in my prayers.


#3

How will he? If he lies to me, why would he tell a man he knows even less than he knows his wife that he looks at porn?


#4

I don't know what you should do but I will pray for you, your husband and you marriage.

Now on the more positiver side (at least from your perspective), your husband might be lying about it because he is ashamed and he failed. He fell into a sin that he told you he would stop. Now this doesn't excuse either the fall or the lie, but at least it is a pretty natural human reaction to failure and shame.


#5

If your husband would lie to a priest.........................You all go to Mass every Sunday together?


#6

You could put a filter on all the computers. We have them and only my wife has the password. :D


#7

Tonight or tomorrow, tell him that you are going out to dinner. Once you get him in the car, divert to your parish and have a conservative priest waiting to help you confront him with the filth you have had the misfortune of finding. Remember, shame is a great motivator toward change. I will pray for St. Agnes' intercession on your and your husband's behalf.


#8

It would have been perfectly fine for you to exclaim "How stupid do you think I am?!" It might not have been helpful though.

I used to struggle with porn. I was always honest with my wife about it, but had she actually seen the links, the termonology, the things I searched for (although I told her in detail what I was looking at and my tastes were, as far as porn goes, relatively straightforward and unshocking) I would have been humiliated for some reason. That may partially explain your husband's reaction. It doesn't excuse the lie, but it might partially explain it. That or he just doesn't want you to know he's looking at the stuff again, and that's more sinister.


#9

[quote="Catholic41506, post:6, topic:239930"]
You could put a filter on all the computers.

[/quote]

Now there's an idea...treat him like a child. That does WONDERS for a marriage.


#10

[quote="rick43235, post:9, topic:239930"]
Now there's an idea...treat him like a child. That does WONDERS for a marriage.

[/quote]

Sometimes men need to be treated like children. Filters block out all temptation.

I would also suggest he visit crossingthegoal.com. These guys have a lot of good ideas.


#11

[quote="rick43235, post:9, topic:239930"]
Now there's an idea...treat him like a child. That does WONDERS for a marriage.

[/quote]

With the same level of sarcasm... so does looking at degrading, soul-killing smut on the internet!


#12

[quote="SanctaMommy, post:7, topic:239930"]
Tonight or tomorrow, tell him that you are going out to dinner. Once you get him in the car, divert to your parish and have a conservative priest waiting to help you confront him with the filth you have had the misfortune of finding. Remember, shame is a great motivator toward change. I will pray for St. Agnes' intercession on your and your husband's behalf.

[/quote]

Ambush is a terrible idea. He is a grown man and no one should have this done to them! A priest is not an interventionist! I hope you were joking!

:eek:


#13

You can't - as far as I am aware - put filters on iPods. Plus I wouldn't want him to think I have lost trust in his ability to do the right thing.

In response to the asker, yes, we go to Mass every week. And confession regularly. Now I wonder if he is telling the priest every serious sin. I hope so. I want to go to heaven and I want him to be there too! Perhaps all I can do is pray if he is ashamed enough to lie ridiculously about it.


#14

[quote="Catholic41506, post:6, topic:239930"]
You could put a filter on all the computers. We have them and only my wife has the password. :D

[/quote]

That does not work for iPods.


#15

Ask him to work with you on the internet to look up strategies for not needing porn and the stuff that goes with it.

There is everything on the internet. An hour of topic-specific searching should come up with some useful and practical ideas.


#16

[quote="Catholic41506, post:10, topic:239930"]
Sometimes men need to be treated like children. Filters block out all temptation.

.

[/quote]

Um, no. A grown man should not be treated like a child. If any girlfriend did that to me, it'd be over. If you slap a filter on his computer, he'll find a way to get around it. Period. The person using the porn needs to decide when and how to stop.

Ma'am, my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry about your situation. It must be very hard.

Perhaps the three of you-priest, husband and you-can talk about this?


#17

[quote="SanctaMommy, post:7, topic:239930"]
Tonight or tomorrow, tell him that you are going out to dinner. Once you get him in the car, divert to your parish and have a conservative priest waiting to help you confront him with the filth you have had the misfortune of finding. Remember, shame is a great motivator toward change. I will pray for St. Agnes' intercession on your and your husband's behalf.

[/quote]

but that would be lying which is a sin


#18

for 1 is he willing too quit watching the stuff for if he aint truly willing too quit then theres nothing you cant do but pray


#19

[quote="CountrySteve, post:18, topic:239930"]
for 1 is he willing too quit watching the stuff for if he aint truly willing too quit then theres nothing you cant do but pray

[/quote]

Yup. The "addict" (sorry, I will never thing porn is an addiction except in a SMALL minority of cases. It's usually just a lack of self control, not something physically addicting) decides when they want to get sober.


#20

I agree with some of the other posters that perhaps the lie was out of shame, regret and embarrassment. His first reaction was to lie and then he was stuck in the lie. Be patient with him. If he's going to confession regularly than perhaps he and his priest are already working on the problem.


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