Despite the fact that I post on here reasonably frequently about how I have a very infrequent sex life and my husband’s female friend who I don’t much like, and what I’m about to post about now, I do have high hopes for my marriage…
My husband has struggled with the temptation to look at pornography since he was a teenager, like many men (and women I suppose I should add for the sake of fairness). He told me about nine months ago that he doesn’t look at it anymore because he knows it is wrong and it upsets me. (I have explained to him in detail why I and the Church believe it is sinful despite the world’s embrace of porn.) Anyway, today I ask to use his iPod to research something that I wanted to know - not important really. I went to type in the search bar and accidentally pressed the wrong key - and up various lewd search items came. I was bowled over with shock. I felt so…betrayed, in a way. He confidently lied to me about not looking at porn anymore. I checked the search history on his iPod thought and thought for hours about whether or not to say something, and in the end, I did. I said ‘I thought you didn’t look at women doing dodgy things to one another on the internet?’ ‘No, I don’t.’ he replied. ‘Why?’ I explained what I came across and he attempted to look confused and tried to suggest that somehow these search terms had come BY THEMSELVES. Now I feel humiliated and angry because my husband obviously thinks I am completely stupid. Part of me feels angry because he KNOWS I’m not stupid and am of (slightly) above average intelligence.
I don’t know what to do. Him lying to me avoids the problem. It means I can’t talk to him about how to help him with this problem. I want to scream at him ‘DO YOU THINK I’M !@%$$ STUPID???’ I also don’t understand why he is lying to me because in other ways, he is a terrible liar. When I ask him things like, for example, ‘Did you eat that piece of cake that I wanted for dessert?’, he’ll grin sheepishly and it’s obvious, or so it seems, that he can’t keep a straight face and honestly pretend he didn’t.
To be honest, aside from the gigantic problem that porn presents in a marriage, I am equally worried about the fact he doesn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth.
Sorry for rambling. I honestly don’t know what to do.
(PS. I feel as though there is some kind of strange crisis balance in my marriage. Sex life has improved slightly and his friend isn’t as much of a pain in the backside as usual…and now this!)