Husband Masturbation Problems


#1

Hi there,

Just wanted to get practical advise on how to deal with my husband and his masturbation problems. We are both practicing Catholic, married and we just recently had a baby girl. She is 5 months old. We have been struggling to resume intimacies as our renewed roles as mother and father. Now, there came a time when I am not in the mood because of tiredness, body ache and baby duties (on top of continuing chores). He became angry and claimed that he has been “horny” for a while and threatened me to turn to masturbation. He knows how I feel about it…and yet he still chose to do so. And after he has done the deed…he blames me that he has to resort to that. I feel so guilty about it but I really don’t want to do it. Please pray for my husband and my child. And if anyone can give me sound advice on this, that would be great.


Husband Masturbation Problems - Final Reply
#2

The best advice is to call your parish and set an appointment to talk to the priest (or even a deacon), they are spiritual resources for this sort of thing, and tend to have experience in counseling and such.

This is a case where spiritual guidance is best sought from the clergy, not an Internet forum.

I will pray that you two will go together to visit the priest,
Deacon Christopher


#3

God bless you, you are not alone!

Many women have a decreased desire for sex, especially when nursing. I know I felt all “touched out” and wanted my body to myself.

If your husband’s desires are unreasonable and selfish then of course you don’t desire sex! Is your husband typically selfish? Is he typically manipulative?

Is there a chance your husband is lonely and his desire for sex is normal and reasonable? Sorry if this is personal, but ate you claiming you’ve not had sex or much sex since your baby was born?

God bless you.


#4

Your problem is your husband. He is responsible for his own actions - he has self-control, but instead of utilising it like an adult, he complains like a child.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. His behaviour - trying to push you into having sex when you don’t want to, guilting you because you refuse and getting angry are massive red flags. His feelings of entitlement and superiority over you is something I would recommend taking to marital counseling. Talk to your Priest as well, and make sure he is aware of the way your husband treats you.


#5

Please, have your husband meet with the priest, deacon, or does he have some mentors in the Men’s Groups at the Parish?


#6

I am very sorry for you…

The threats, and more acting upon them in your presence (if I correctly understand) are evil.
My conviction, is, if you cannot do it, you don’t have to do it. Force yourself will be very difficult for you, and perhaps not very satisfying for both. You are not the first young mother in this situation! It is quite common.
It can be very difficult for him, but he has no right here. It’s hard, but he has to recognized that is frustration can be justified, but you are not his sexual object.

It is difficult to give you advises…

If you have the will, the time, and the energy, you can perhaps began some therapy or counseling with a marriage counselor. Not necessarily a long one, but to put to express each others griefs and perhaps find solutions.
Any actions that allowed you to to get closer are more than welcomed.


#7

I’m re-reading here and I agree the husband’s blaming his wife for his choices are not fair and are completely out of line.
However, his wanting sex is normal and reasonable and her expecting him to wait for her moods aren’t fair either.

A spouse of either sex cannot use the excuse they’re tired or don’t feel like it, for months. There’s an element of cruelty to that my opinion.
Ordinarily sexual relations are not an undertaking that take hours and hours of time ordinarily. Spending a small amount of time to honor your spouse, giving them the gift of love is a beautiful gesture.


#8

Ask your husband for help with the chores so that you are not so tired.


#9

So much this. Most therapists will tell you that, barring physical problems, problems in the bedroom are caused by what goes on outside of the bedroom. You need to communicate with your husband what you need from him outside of the bedroom. He needs to deliver. You may be amazed how quickly this will clear up the issues inside the bedroom.


#10

I wouldn’t talk to my priest. It rarely ever has a positive, orthodox result. Unless you already have a good relationship with him and trust his counsel.

Your husband was wrong to threaten you about intimacy, yet he also has reasonable desires. Taking them out through masturbation is not the good way to deal with them.

Trust me, this is very serious! You guys need to make some time for one another!!! Once a week try to have a date night… but if possible, don’t make it too structured. Maybe the day might change or two nights open up in one week… but the idea is to both work at a devotion to one another. Establish prayer together!!! ask him to pray with you, together, and ask as much as it takes! But ask that he says the prayer! And ask for St Rita’s prayers. Invoke her name.

Look into couples retreats like the Retrovaille (sp?)

This is my strongest advice: renew your love for one another, and I mean the love that comes from above!!! Don’t procrastinate this. Refuse to take offense at him and he at you! Forgive and love. Be honest with what you struggle with but reassure him of your love!

You seem genuine, like you care and want to get through this challenge. Express that you WANT to get back into intimacy, but that you need his patience and help for both of you to get there again!

I truly hope you can communicate good, have some heart to heart talks and love each other with the love that comes through your Sacrament marriage! Don’t give up! Don’t be offended! Cast out the spirits that are waging this war on you and many of us in marriages!

ST. RITA PRAY FOR THIS MARRIAGE!


#11

That’s very insightful of you, Monicad! Relationships are usually struggling because of both spouses.

It does no good to beat up on either, yet acknowledging faults is healthy in order to overcome what causes damage.

If both are really loving each other, and God, then offense will fade away.

Appeal to one another’s faith!!


#12

Exactly!! You said it better than I could.

It does sound as if there is a communication problem, and that is not uncommon.

And if it goes on for too long, it can be a violation of the marriage vows, the “marital debt” (which ALWAYS causes a UUGGGEEE debate).

AMEN


#13

PLEASE. Disparaging the clergy is not cool, it is skating close to a violation of forum guidelines.

Our priests have been ordained, they have been trained, they are entrusted with the care of their sheep.


#14

I said I would not. And because I’ve been down that road. I have tried to go to clergy about this very subject, and my real experience was NOT good. Not one priest, but several pastors.

We are in an informal separation, and I have moved parishes now because of the poor pastoral guidance.

The last straw was bringing my little girl to CCD registration… the pastor (who knows my situation well) made the comment in front of her, “I just saw your ex-wife”

I’m not going to share all of the bad advice from clergy because CAFers have used my personal situation to attack me personally.

The OP is free to talk to their pastor. Maybe she feels comfortable with that. Yet, if she really was, I think she already would do so.

FWIW, I’ve been told by priests to mutually masturbate, and use condoms (and after I rejected the advice he said to poke holes in them). Both of those advices I directly said, “I think that is against Church Teaching” they both insisted, quite arrogantly, that it was NOT!

If someone on CAF gave that kind of advice, you would tear into them!

Clergy needs to earn the kind of respect that people want to go to them! Why do you think all these Catholics are not going to them? Why are Pastors not expressing their invitation to come speak with them?

It’s like telling people, “Go to this restaurant! They have a chef with a culinary degree!” But when people go, and don’t like the food, that’s what matters. Let the food speak for itself, and people will come.


#15

All of this raging is entirely unhelpful to the OP.


#16

Have you tried sitting down with your husband and talking it out. Does he realise how overwhelming caring for and breastfeeding a small baby is? How rumpy pumpy is absolutely the last thing in your mind.

Also, he really needs to pull his weight with the chores around the house.

If he wishes to masturbate, that is his choice. Regardless of what you believe about masturbation, his masturbating is down to him.


#17

Not raging. Defending my advice.

My pastors ended up to be counter productive. I had to not only work on my own marriage issues, but contend with unorthodox advice.

I wish someone would have warned and supported me through that. There were a few parishioners and friends.

Things are looking more positive lately. Jesus doesn’t stop working in hearts who seek Him and His ways. Even the most difficult, like myself.


#18

The Bible is clear that Jesus allows for mutually agreed upon separation (abstinence from sex) of spouses for the purposes of increased fasting & prayer, but it says to not for too long so as to give an opening to evil. It sounds like the situation described is:

  1. Not mutually agreed upon
  2. Way too long of a separation because evil was let into the marriage - even after a warning that evil was imminently upon them, the spouse still refused reunification = Both are equally at fault & both ought to seek forgiveness from one another & Reconcile with God
  3. Selfishness of considering oneself’s mood, or lack there of, over the spouse’s legitimate marital need
    At a marriage Bible Study we recently attending, it was said that the minimum for a healthy marriage is 3 times a week. Lol, but who focuses on the minimum if they truly want the best for their spouse? No way, we give ourselves willingly as much as possible not just the bare minimum. Though I guess there’s lots of us that live the minimum when it comes to the Faith, so I guess in marriage people might do the same. But aside from the 40 Days wait after childbirth, it’s unhealthy to go an entire week without renewing the marital covenant via intercourse (unless, of course, a spouse is physically incapable, like paralyzed).
    Praying for your family :prayer_beads:

#19

That said, I honestly wish husbands could share in the child bearing! Lol

“Its your turn, honey!” :laughing:

But it is for the woman to bear!


#21

I hope the speaker at your retreat was making a joke!
Inaccurate Catholic argument: we don’t speak in “weaks”, more if we trying to avoid children via nfp…
Seems scientistically untrue too: more than 1 time a week seems not to benefit more the marriage.

Also not realistic and cruel for all the mothers who have ever given birth. And an exemple is not valid for all.
40 days after childbirth, according to the Leviticus is the date of when a mother of a young boy go to the Temple, for a thankfull sacrifice. But this delay is 80 days for a girl. So it is not a proof that all women should be recovered. Even if they go back to their activities as housewifes and wife.
40 days was usually the time of Churching of post partum mother, in history.


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