Husband Not Wanting To Be Physical


#1

I made an account just to post about this. I am feeling very embarrassed about it. My husband and I have been married 4-months now. Before we were married, we had great chemistry. We had to be vary carefully to not become physical. It was something we struggled with. One thing I was looking forward in the marriage (among many things) was not having to worry about that. We could finally be together and not on gaurd.
Well, the wedding came. The first month or so, we were together almost every day we could. We are TTA right now, so that ends up being around 13 days a month. The next couple months that dropped to maybe 7 times a month. This last month we were together twice.

It makes me very sad and feel unwanted. I talk to him about it and he says it isn’t me, that he is just tired and not in the mood. I still can’t help but feel hurt. I feel ashamed that I want to be with him more than me. Especially as the girl. I feel tired of asking and him saying no - to the point that if he wanted to be with me now, I would have a hard time saying yes. It feels like how will I be able to open up to him again after being rejected so much. Even writing this has me tearing up. We have talked about it q number of times. I don’t know what else to do.


#2

Couples counseling. ASAP.

This is not normal…especially for a newlywed and a guy.

He shouldn’t be turning you down so much.

A catholic counselor is best but even a secular one.
Did you guys go through marriage prep? Does your husband understand his vows?


#3

What is TTA?


#4

Trying to avoid is my guess i.e. they do not want a baby at the moment.


#5

Why would it be all that surprising that one of the members of a couple - wherein NFP is the only option they allow themselves and they don’t want to conceive at that time - would avoid sex?

As always, I’m glad my circumstances are such that it wasn’t an issue, but charting safe days sounds like a chore to me and knowing that if I was wrong about the fertile times, then I’d be blessed with a child I didn’t feel ready for would play havoc with my libido.


#6

Maybe he’s just tired.


#7

The number of times a married couple has sex each week/month waxes and wanes over the years. There are times when people are simply too tired, to spent.

When was the last time the two of you did something fun together? As Matthew Kelly tells us in “7 Levels of Intimacy”, remembering our story is important. What did you guys do for fun when you were dating? What does your husband like to do for fun - for instance, if he loves sports could you guys join a co-ed softball team and play together?


#8

I would suggest that he get a complete check up with his regular provider.

What you’re describing is not normal. It could be a mental issue but could also be a physical one.


#9

I thought the same. Marriage is stress, making a new life together is stress, moving, dealing with in laws, having the spouse around all the time, and after a few weeks, when thngs start to get more quiet and everything is hopefully in order, you can be soooo tired.
It may become more frequently and balanced after a time. Newlywed doesn´t meant “time when you have the most sex”.
I second the idea of making something fun together, maybe making a weekend vacation or a daytrip.


#10

Ask him to get a complete physical.

If that turns out well, then I would do what someone else suggested … try doing fun things together that you both enjoy and don’t mention sex at all … try that out for a while and see if he comes around.

But don’t say no to him if he asks to have relations just because you’re annoyed … that would be a childish thing to do.


#11

Yes, I wouldn’t jump to conclusions that there is some kind of medical problem or that he needs to see a doctor immediately. All of these things are very stressful, and make you tired. There’s initial excitement, but it can be difficult for a period when you start living with your spouse and learn how to be in the same household together.

OP, neither one of you is wrong necessarily- it’s not wrong for you to be hurt and it’s not wrong for him to be tired. I’d say you both need to give a little- he should be more generous, and you may need to adjust your expectations about frequency. (Thirteen days in a month seems like a whole lot to me, to be honest…)

Also, if you are avoiding pregnancy, this can be really difficult on a man’s libido, especially if he’s the one who is more careful.


#12

Hah! Try 16 months and counting! (Sorry, couldnt help myself :wink) But seriously, hope you can work it out.


#13

It could possibly just be a season of stress or low libido, or something more serious as the others suggested, but I do agree that you can both find other ways of becoming intimate without having sex. You can both try to cuddle in a way that is sweet for both of you, or just have the enjoyment of looking at each other. You can also bring amusement into the picture, just use the extra time you both used to have for intimacy into something fun and not toiling about romantic issues, or have a great deep conversation about some thought. There is a lot of getting to know each other even after marriage, it doesn’t stop after you’ve got the wedding ring on.


#14

It’s unusual for a newlywed, healthy, guy to say no to sex.

Before seeking counseling maybe discuss this with him, tell him how you feel.
Possibly get him to have a Doctor check his hormone levels.


#15

Most young, healthy guys will wake up pretty fast if their wife is initiating sex.


#16

Figure out what is going on before you bring kids into the middle of this discontent. It isn’t unreasonable to consider hubby is being less than honest with this situation.


#17

It’s really a matter of living condition, we don’t know what he works, where they moved etc. My husband and me didn’t meet for more than a cup of coffee for weeks after our marriage as he worked until the night in a hospital and I worked the days until noon. When we met, we were tired or had to do paper work in 50% of the cases.
But yeah, talking is the way to go here. If they can’t talk openly about sexuality, the marriage won’t be easy.


#18

Despite my original opinion…this is definitely not true.

My husband worked a shift rotation of 12 hour overnights to day shift that switched every 3 months. Weekends and most holidays were on the table. He did this for the entirety of our dating relationship and the first 2 years of our marriage.

To say he was tired is an understatement. Not everyone works 8-4 day shits with every weekend and all holidays off.

Currently, I work a 7 on, 7 off overnight schedule that includes most holidays and weekends. I’m still relatively young and I’m exhausted.

I work as a blood banker in a hospital…hubby has an important job in the military I can’t share here…however…it’s a high stress environment for him.


#19

Eh, I don’t think this is inherently true. I get it, there’s a cultural narrative that men want sex constantly, but I belong to an enormous online group dedicated to candidly talking, celebrating and improving our sex lives with our partners, and I would say the man is the lower desire partner a really significant portion of the time. We may not admit it (because it is still seen as men pursuing and woman fending) but in my online and personal interactions, woman very often want sex more than men.

I’m the higher drive in our marriage. I love my husband, I feel utterly confident in his deep love for me and he has a low sex drive. He had hormone testing done for a different matter, it’s totally fine, even high. He’s just not as into it as I am.

It CAN be off if a partner isn’t into sex with his or her partner for sure. Maybe there’s depression, maybe there’s deeper marital issues, maybe there are communication problems, whatever. But suggesting that just because he’s a man, he’s constantly ready to jump in bed is doing all men a disservice.


#20

This is very true. He might feel pressure and embarrassment as well. This is an entirely new relationship for both of you, adjusting to the new marriage. Not all men fit into the stereotype of being able to have sex at a moment’s notice. He should not be punished for perhaps having a different sex drive.

This situation needs to be approached delicately and with much love and understanding. If your husband says he is tired, believe him. Offer to give him a back rub or bring him something to drink and relax together. I would give the same advice to a husband whose wife said she was tired.

If you do this, your husband will grow to trust you even more deeply. He will learn that when he says he is tired rather than run off in disappointment, you will believe him. This will help build your marriage into a great place of trust. Your marriage will be a place where each of you will learn you can be yourselves.

I know you are disappointed, I have been there. This really hurts I know it. This was actually one of those “Better or worse” moments it was awful. I just had no idea the better or worse moments would come just weeks into my marriage! However, for most of us they really do. The challenges start coming right away. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.