Husband Not Wanting To Be Physical

#22

That’s pretty offensive to the OP.

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#23

Sorry, but what a silly point of view.
This whole “sexy chick versus wife” thing misses one important truth: sexual interest and sex drive isn´t a matter of a mini skirt and dressing up to the limits. It´s a matter of relaxing, a loving atmosphere and not having personal burdens on your mind or body.
Being tired and stress - if this is the case in the OP´s situation - can cause sexual issues, and it´s absolutely not important if you are a man or a woman then.
What a gross dea of human sexuality.

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#24

It’s possible that the man is having some adjustments with accepting his former “sexy girlfriend” as his now-wife. Sometimes people have mental baggage attached to the concept of marriage and spouse. If that’s the case, a counselor could help.

I doubt that in 4 months there has been such a physical change in the wife as to make her suddenly less sexy when the husband obviously thought she was sexy before marriage, so the whole Kim Kardashian business is not only insulting to the OP but unlikely to be relevant here.

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#25

No offense intended. Apologies if she wss.

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#26

You’re speaking from a woman’s point of view and I agree with you. Putting your words into practice is somewhat different. I know married men who have to practice the virtue of chastity even harder now because of the temptations out there that are pleasing to the eye and will always be in comparison with their wives.

I know what you’re going to say, they shouldn’t compare. Easy to say, hard to do…

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#27

I´m speaking from a married person´s point of view.
People who compare their wives to so calles celebrities are, in my eyes, not really ready for marriage. It´s not about “do not compare”, it´s about spouses in a healthy marriage simply won´t do this.

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#28

Please re-read my post carefully

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#29

Even in his 60s, my husband finds sex to be a relief from stress. He actually wants sex more during stressful, tiring times because it relaxes him and puts him in a mellow, sweet frame of mind and heart and helps him to put everything into perspective.

Sex is a picture of the relationship between Christ and His Church. That’s what I mean when I say that it puts everything into perspective. Realizing anew that Christ is in love with His Bride and won’t let anything outside of His plan happen to us really helps to calm nerves and decrease stress and worry.

We’ve been married 39 years, and dated for 6 years before we got married.

I agree with many others that the young husband might just be truly physically or mentally tired, but I think this should warrant a visit to a doctor. It is unusual for a young man, although yes, I realize that there are young men with a low libido.

I think my husband is pretty typical in that he could be working for 48 straight hours on an important work project with lots of stress–but he would still be interested in sex! It would be the icing on the cake for him–making love would be a celebration of the conclusion of his work project and the perfect way for him to fall asleep afterward!

I’m wondering if there’s any chance that the young husband is secretly addicted to something and although he was able to give it up for a few months after the wedding, he is now struggling with that addiction and the result of this internal conflict means that he doesn’t have the energy/mindset to be able to get interested in sex. The addiction doesn’t have to be anything horrible like drugs or porn–it might be gambling or a certain video game or even a compulsion of some type. He might be very discouraged thinking that being married had enabled him to conquer his addiction, but now the desire for it is back and he is conflicted and ashamed. If this is the case, he needs to seek help, and hopefully take his wife into his confidence (which he should have done before the wedding).

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#30

May I ask in which field he works? The single fact that he can work 48 hours non stop and still be able to stand on his feet says me that it´s not one of the most physically demanding jobs. You can´t work 48 hours nonstop without drugs or rest in high demanding jobs withour saying hello to heart attacs in your 40´s, and this is the last I wish for my husband.

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#31

And I know men who never looked at other women because looks took a back seat to other qualities once they were past the initial attraction.

Every person is different. Some women are more into how their husbands look, too.

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#32

Completely agree. It isn’t fair to suggest that men should want it constantly, and if they don’t there is an actual problem. Men and women alike get tired, feel sick, get stressed out, and get some psychological hangups sometimes about body image or performance. Men and women can both feel scared of pregnancy if they’re trying to avoid. And it is very true that often women have higher drives, but nobody likes to talk about that. Not everyone finds sex to be a stress relief either.

I cannot understand the alarmist nature of some of these posts. And it also does the OP a disservice to suggest that one single month of less sex means he has to go see a doctor or psychiatrist, or has a gambling problem or some other kind of addiction. For the first three months of their marriage, they were intimate a lot. Good grief, they’ve only been married four months- it’s okay to have an adjustment period.

We don’t even know what this husband does for work, if the wife works, or what other kinds of stressors they have in their lives. If it continues for several more months, well then yes, maybe time to seek some help or at least figure out together what is going on. But there’s no need to generalize about all men based on one’s own personal experiences.

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#33

I am not generalizing about all men based on my personal experiences.

I think I made it clear in my post that I was basing my suggestion on what I have experienced, and that this may or may not apply to the OP or anyone else. I did say, “I agree with many others that the young husband might just be truly physically or mentally tired…”

But I will stick by what I followed that statement with–this should warrant a visit to the doctor. I could qualify it by saying, “perhaps this should warrant a visit to the doctor.”

Young people have a lot of physical and mental energy–that’s not a generalization. It’s true! For a young person to be tired mentally or physically for a solid month is cause for concern. Maybe not alarm, but some concern.

The OP has asked for advice from an online forum of fellow Catholics. I assume that she is expecting many different perspectives, and she will select those that best fit her personal situation.

One thing that concerns me is that the couple is not communicating well. He doesn’t see the anxiety and feelings of rejection that she has over the situation, instead, telling her that he’s “tired and not in the mood.” She says that she doesn’t feel she can open up to him again after being so rejected. This couple is having some trouble talking things over, and it makes perfect sense to me that they should seek out some help online

If they don’t learn to communicate, I fear for their marriage. With a 50% divorce rate in the U.S., it is good to seek out help BEFORE the marriage hits the skids. Kudos to the OP. If talking to us doesn’t help, I hope that the couple will find a counselor that they trust and learn some good communication skills.

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#34

He’s a system administrator with an international computer company (I don’t think it’s wise to be specific, but it’s one of the big ones).

He does a lot of travel, and he’s frequently working into the wee hours. So far, so good with no heart attacks (doesn’t run in his family, his lipids, BP, and all the other indicators are good to date). But it is high stress.

I certainly don’t wish for my husband to have stress-related illness and die. But the job is what the is. There are a lot of jobs, including mine, that involve many hours at a stretch of high stress and little sleep. We took those jobs of our own free will. Our jobs provide a good living. You won’t find me on this forum or any discussion pontificating about the need for a “basic living wage for everyone.” We work hard, we enjoy our work (even with the stress), and we pay our bills and we’re pretty happy about that.

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#35

“I think my husband is pretty typical in that he could be working for 48 straight hours on an important work project with lots of stress–but he would still be interested in sex!” is a generalization. I guess I can’t speak for anyone else, but I think it’s an overstatement to say that it’s “typical” for anyone, man or woman, to work two days straight and still want sex over sleep.

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#36

Not to offend you, but this is not what I had in my mind when talking about physically demanding jobs.
My husband and me are both historians, and you can work many hours nonstop (travelling, preparing talks, writing books, teaching classes) without dropping dead (even if it´s still not healthy!).
During our study years, he had to work in a hospital, intensive care medicine. You can´t do such a job 48 h nonstop, trust me. Same with a relative who was slag driver. Nothing you can do so long without break.
It´s not a matter of working hard or diligent, so, I don´t really understand why you made comments about politics (the basic living wage thing). I only think you should be careful promoting a rather privileged work and living condition to be the average for every man.

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#37

Yeah, I know when my husband and I were engrossed in work, neither one of us wanted sex. We did want cuddling, companionship and relaxation. Once in a while this would naturally turn into sex but four out of five times one of us would probably just doze off and that was fine.

Sex plays different roles for different couples and its significance can differ at different times in a marriage. If one spouse is relying on the other’s interest in sex to signify something, such as “you still find me attractive” or “you still love me” or “you think I’m a good spouse” or “you understand my sex drive needs and want to take care of them so I won’t be uncomfortable”, it’s a whole different situation from a couple for whom sex doesn’t carry those meanings.

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#38

:…a rather privileged work and living condition…"

Sigh. I wish. He works constantly. He is never free from work.

Anyway…

…FYI everyone–the night before I posted in this forum (Thursday), my father-in-law, who is in his 80s, fell and broke his leg. We were up very very late and all of us were scared and in tears except my mother-in-law (his wife), who has Alzheimer’s and kept asking why he had a towel wrapped around his leg. (It wasn’t a towel, it was an ace bandage covering a splint.)

My husband–thank God that he works from home!–ended up spending the night with his mother at his parents’ house (she cannot be left alone because of her Alzheimer’s) and the house is very cluttered and there is a yippy little dog who has never been house-trained, and I was at home alone and felt so bad for my husband that I didn’t sleep more than a few hours, and finally got up in the wee hours of the morning and went to work.

My husband was with his parents all day the next day (working from the hospital room), and we were having the worst day at the hospital since winter ended and I ended up with a 10-hour workday and finally left–all my co-workers were still there, but I was so tired and worried that I wasn’t very productive after 10 hours. My co-workers were fine–they understood.

So I probably should have stayed off this forum, or at least stuck with posting in the “Casual” section in my two fun threads about retro things and house architecture (two of my interests).

Sorry to have upset you with my “political” talk.

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#39

I’m sorry for your father’s illness and all the pain and stress your family face right now. I didn’t intended to offend you, really, I just said this to make clear not everyone is blessed with a job that leaves enough energy for a satisfying private life. Don’t stick with my term privileged- it’s not bad-but I stay with my words. A lot of families face what you face, but have spouses who don’t work at home or don’t get some days free. I didn’t get a free day for my mother in law’s funeral, for example.
I only try to make clear that we need to be careful with calling things average.

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#40

I am very sorry for you.
But it is a question of Labor Law.
An employee in your situation will have at least 3 days off work for this reason. (No matter the conditions).

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#41

It’s ok. Thank you dear Anicette!
In Germany, two days off are guaranteed as unpaid special free days only for first grade relatives.

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